Thursday, March 31, 2011

some times you meet people in the strangest ways. and well, today was one of those days i guess! :)
what are the chances of you going for a run after AGES, only to be caughy huffing and puffing by a buff greek god, who is also actually probably the most eccentric person you've come across!

picture this... you've taken about 3 rounds around the park. and are down on your knees in the middle of the path, when this HOT man who was sitting on a bench in this lazy fashion playing around with his iPod suddenly decides to notice you. UNFLATTERING.
as if that isn't enough, he actually calls out to you, and says..."maybe you should give it a break. you're way out of shape for anything too much."
you- thanks for the free advice.
he- anytime.
he- hmmm..i like your face. but it says, BACK OFF! why so serious?
you (in your mind)- oh no babe, it's just because of a minor heart attack that i'm having.
you (out loud)- maybe, maybe not. either way, none of your concern you know?
he- friendly, aren't we?!
you- always! -smile-
he- ah! -smile back-  i am Atharva. and you are..?
you- nevermind
he- so nevermind, what do you when you're not trying to scare people off?
you- try to run?
he- ooh, i so expected you to do an eyebrow dance. most women LOVE doing that. they think its hot i think...
you- -laugh out loud- (like really! score one for the guy you idiot!)
he- ah! (then he goes quiet)
you- what now?
he- you don't laugh. you CACKLE!
you- you know what? i've known you for 15 minutes! and you just won't...

he- let me complete? you cackle...and it's so bloody hot!
you- whatever. you're weird. am off. bye!
he- see you around babe. tomorrow?
you- as if.
you (in your head)- bloody obnoxious cad! who made him this hot? :|


PS- for those who read my last post...just one of those off days people. am sane. really! :)


Wednesday, March 30, 2011

tired she is. of everything around her. would be so easy to simply pick a few things and throw them around, break them. she wants to just get away, run away...from it all. everything. everyone. everyone has a complaint

she's an easy punchbag. come to her, lash out at her. take your frustrations out on her. you know she won't react. you know she will understand. she always does. she doesn't say anything. things don't bother. they don't affect her. she can take it all. she will do this for you, that for you. ask her. she has all the solutions. she will know what to do. what not to do. this that, this that...

know what? she's sick of it all. SICK of it. she can't take it anymore. she feels too you know. it hurts her too. she cries too. she breaks down too. your words don't just bounce off her. they leave an impact. a very very deep impact.

she cries when you're not watching. she sits by herself in a dark room, with a journal in her hand, the only place where she can let go, with tears streaming down her face. she just doesn't know how else to express her anguish. she doesn't believe in making scenes. never has.
 it's ok to expect from her, to hope for things, but whom does SHE turn to for help when she needs it? can her journal talk back? 
 you feel you can depend on her when things don't make sense to you. but where does she go? why can't she depend on you to be there for her?

every fucking time...every fucking time she falls. she is hurt. she cries. she thinks about it. lets those tears flow. thinks. and somehow wipes them off and tries getting up. she doesn't believe in giving up. she doesn't stop believing.

she is used to this by now. has somehow convinced herself to stop expecting anything because it feels more like an obligation. but then again, there are times when she can't help it either.
all she wants, is for someone to understand her. to be there for her. to be with her when she needs that occasional support, occasional shoulder. someone to run to, to hold onto, to turn to...when things get too much. someone with whom she can let go of herself. someone who's hers.  someone who doesnt need her to explain things. someone who tells her its ok if things don't always go her way. someone who feels her. understands her. someone who's all hers to depend on.

is it too much to ask for? 

Saturday, March 26, 2011


Blue blue caravan
Winding down to the valley of lights
My true love is a man
Who would hold me for ten thousand nights
In the wild wild wailing of wind
He's a house 'neath a soft yellow moon.
So blue blue caravan
Won't you carry me down to him soon

Blue blue caravan
Won't you drive away all of these tears
For my true love is a man
That I haven't seen in years
He said, "Go where you have to
For I belong to you until my dying day."
So like a fool, blue caravan

I believed him and I walked away.

Oh my blue blue caravan
The highway is my great wall
For my true love is a man
Who never existed at all
Oh he was a beautiful fiction
I invented to keep out the cold
But now, my blue blue caravan
I can feel my heart growing Cold
Oh my blue blue caravan
I can feel my heart growing Cold

-- Vienna Teng

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

feels so near, and yet so far
is it real or not, cannot say.
felt and sensed, yet the wonder
is there, or is it just imagination?

tired. irritated. annoyed. pissed off. angry.
unnerved. agitated. wound up. hyper. agitated.
contemplative. introspective. broody.
suffocated. disappointed.

i need something to believe in...give me something to believe in!
and RIGHT NOW might be a good time...

Saturday, March 12, 2011

very mani ratnam this...

dil hai chota sa, choti si aasha.
masti bhare mann ki, bholi si aasha.
chand taaron ko, chhoone ki aashaaaaa,
aasmaano mein...udne ki aashaa!

dil hai chota sa, choti si aasha,
masti bhare mann ki, bholi si aasha!

[this track was playing somewhere today...can't get it off now. heh. but i like! ]

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


i want to be like Heidi. live up there, somewhere on the Alps, in a tiny little hut on top of the hill. with my old grandpa and shaggy monster of a dog. i want my room to be up in the attic, with my bed next to the huge circular window, my peephole into the universe.

 i want to fall asleep while looking outside, counting the stars, talking to the moon, staring out in the space or down into the forests, trying to fathom the mysteries that those ancient trees hide.

i want to wake up with the sun's rays falling on my face, the nippy breeze rustling my hair, caressing my face. i want to wake up to the goat herder's call as he tries to get his flock in order. i want to eat melted cheddar and a loaf of bread for breakfast, gulping it down with fresh goat milk. then soon as i'm done i want to rush out, after Peter, the goat herder. Peter, my best friend. i want to run like the wind, up and down those beautiful hills, exploring those valleys everyday, going down into the village to pick up nicknacks, making small conversation with the villagers i come across. to go into the forests and climb those trees. to climb up a hill, and lie there on the green grass, at the top, looking down into the valley.

to come up there in the evening maybe, just as the sun sets, bringing along someone i would like to share this view with. to sit there, the two of us, watching the lights come up, the stars come out. to just be, high up there. with noone else.

ANDD! while i was writing this, dev called. i asked him if he thought it was silly of me to wanna be like heidi? he surprised me. he said not at all! infact, he would like the same thing, pretty much... the little cottage and the window and the the hills and everything. (ofcourse he isn't a closet romantic like me, so he pretty much kept to the original heidi theme!)
hehe. we'l do it together Geeko, someday. we'l be the 'grown up children' and laugh at it all, rolling around, holding our sides, like we do always. :)

Sunday, March 6, 2011

thousand thoughts crowd her mind. various scenarios. so many conjectures.. what if this happens? what if that? is this possible? could that be? varied visualizations. an annoying obsession. a sort of dread. a horrible unease. something claws at her insides. it hurts, the thought, the whole what-if scenario. soo bad. makes her think and panic.

but then cold reason comes does it matter now? why should it affect her? it has nothing to do with her in the first place, and most probably never will again. so why should it affect her so much.

and then the momentary calm. once there, it's easier to put it all aside in the corner of her mind, and get on. for a while atleast...

Saturday, March 5, 2011


[something i recorded in my notes a few days back while going for my class. you know...metro and boring gotta do something!]
  • There's a woman standing next to me in the metro..talking to a guy...explaining to him exactly why she had to hang up on him in the daytime. he isn't very apparently very convinced with her reasoning. maybe he doesn't feel that her husband's sudden entry at the scene is a valid enough reason to abruptly end their 'red-day-voz- plans.

  • There's a lady sitting across me...she's travelling with about 3 bags and 2 kids. one seems to be around 5, the other around 10. they're sikhs. the younger one is wearing a purple scarf to cover his bun, instead of a turban... purple with yellow print and silver sequins. maybe they're going somewhere formal? the kid seems to be a playful one. has been playing with the seat belt that's attached to the corner seat of the metro. pulled it so hard that it almost came out. then panicked and left it suddenly. the resultant THWACK! got him 'the look' from his mum, and brought a guilty expression on his face for a second. just. now, he's back to putting his left foot on his brother's knee and trying to kick him with the other...

  • there's a 6 month baby on the other side. with a cute toothy grin. oh 6 month olds have all their milk teeth? so maybe he's a bit older? sigh...i'll always be bad with kids. he's travelling with some relatives. the mother seems to be the least interested in him. not judging...just observing. another boy travelling along with the kid has been digging his nose the last half hour. maybe burrowing his finger in there is a pleasure we can't really fathom? now the kid is crying... oh man. i don't particularly like kids, especially the crying ones...

  • and then there's another kid...particularly fond of shrieking at the top of her li'l voice. quite whiny. if only it was perfectly acceptable for co passengers to stuff something down the throats of shrieking kids. makes me a troll i guess. who cares? am not particularly fond of headaches you know.

however, even with the progressive urge to thwack her, i know why she is so upset. i think it might have something to do with the metro moving at the speed of a snail. the yatra is very vilambh struck, you see. perhaps 8 stations in one hour was how these new metros were supposed to do in germany, where they come from..

i don't even feel like going through the notes anymore.
hmmm...tra la la...lalala...
i want to keep myself occupied. and simply not think. what do i do now though? people are just annoying me now. oh, and that whiny kid is smiling now. no, sorry...just not crying anymore. staring at the people getting off with her mouth half open. heh. she CAN be normal after all. what joy. ah. damn. vilambh again. did i mention how much i hate this fucked up vilambh that keeps happening all the time??
ah well...
Ho Hum Ho,
Metro, please go!
god. that was sooo bad...and that kid has started off again. someone SAVE ME!
thank god my salvation is just 2 stops away now...
. .
. .
. .
"The next station is Pragati Maidan. Please stand..."
sounds like music to my ears at the moment.

alright then people, more observations later. right now, time for Direct Taxes.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

another ordinary day...

11.25 am. Yours Truly (henceforth referred to as YT in this post) has just walked down from one class to the other. at Ghalib auditorium now, with 5 minutes to spare. not bad, huh? now for the class pass. YT opens the jhola, looks in. then looks around. then ruffles through stuff. then smacks her head. forgot to take the pass sheet out of the other module. bother! now what? that cranky old man at the door won't let her in without making a fuss.

a not so strange stranger comes to rescue. he's been around in quite a few classes and smiles everytime he catches YT's eye. "hey...don't worry. take my pass. i got an extra." sweet. he gets an extra wide grin.

once in, wait for the class to start. soon, VG is on screen. YT is all attention. no talking. at all. ofcourse the fact YT doesn't have many of her people there has little to do with that. 2 hours, all diligence. except just this once, when YT doses off for a li'l while. hey..don't judge. slept at 2.30 am, got up 5.30 am. WHO wouldn't?! and just ten minutes. then the cramp in the neck. ouch. so anyway, now awake, pops a gum in her mouth. chew chew chew. the exercise helps keep the sleep at bay.
disaster strikes. in the form of...
a yawn. yes. you read it right.
one yawn, and it all goes wrong.
the gum falls out, right into those beautiful black tresses that YT had washed at 2 am last night.bloody hell indeed. gets stuck there, in a lock.
ofcourse, panic! what now??
scissors?? no...
knife?? no...
anyone who can help? no...
think think... oh yeah. tissues in the bag.
gets one out. takes out as big a gob as possible, wraps and throws. then goes to the washroom, and spends the next 20 mins washing away the gum. and the remnants. laugh all you like, you sadists. but the efforts pay. finally, victory. just as the rest of the people start arriving. thank god no one notices. though bet many wonder who is the bespectacled wild haired chick monopolizing the only working sink. sigh. torture over, on the way back.

once outside, YT can finally see the funny side of it. is just laughing to herself when Geeko, ie Dev, calls. tells him about it. has him rolling around, laughing like a madman for good ten minutes. then general talk follows.

now, while talking, notices 2 of her batchmates walking a few steps ahead of her. one of them is pretty cute, and also assumed to be a fellow metro traveller, YT unintentionally starts following them, thinking they are taking a shorter way to the station. all the time jabbering on the phone.

suddenly it hits home...THEY ARE AT THE LOCAL RAILWAY STATION!!! Whhatttt?? where?! how?
and the way out?! damn! tells geeko about it, expecting sympathy. the only answer-- another spasm of laughter. and ofcourse, those patent, lame wisecracks. His Highness is kicked by the idea that all this is happening LIVE and he is getting a running commentary. thats men for you.

but hey...YT isn't to be underestimated. ever. she finds her way, somehow. and discovers a new shortcut in the process. not to mention the wonderful walk. so yeah...back on track, at the metro station, and back home.
once home,
mum- how was the day? anything interesting?
YT- oh, the usual. nothing new.