IT AIN'T ABOUT HOW HARD YOU HIT...

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!"

Ever since I was a child, especially after my younger sister was born and as a consequence of her becoming the apple of everyone's eye, I learnt to move away with a smile. As a child, as a result of many illnesses that afflicted me simultaneously and lasted for long periods and as a consequence confined me to my house for long, i gradually withdrew from people, became shy, reserved. I learnt very early build walls around me that protected me, at the same time kept people from coming close beyond a point. I never made many demands because I a) didn't wish to rely on them for every fancy b) nor wanted to face the disappointment of not having them met. And believe me, I was happy! I was mature for my age, level headed, a good student, ambitious and pretty much sorted in life, even if I did sometimes wonder what it would be like to let go of myself completely, lower the walls, let people in, not try and keep myself secluded behind those walls...

Then came college, and I did exactly that. And life changed completely.

It made me discover many things about myself, the world, people..so much. It was, and is, a wonderful feeling. But it also made me see the benefits of being by myself, closer to myself than anyone else. It taught me how much simpler life was earlier. And how I sometimes regret not being able to go back... No, not sometimes. Often. Very often.. To the times it was just me for myself, and there was no need for anyone else. If only...

Battles Before Wars..

A week or so.. Plate full.. So much to do... So many mind devils to fight, points to prove..
This is going to get interesting!

THERE ARE NO GHOSTS BUT THOSE THAT YOUR VISION OFT CONJURES...

I am in the middle of my studies, but so strongly struck by something that i can't help but type here and let things flow...

I can't believe what an idiot i was for the longest time! I can't believe i was intimidated by something so stupid, by someone so... ordinary (for the lack of a better word) and regarding something so baseless and pointless!

And it has taken almost 3 and a half years for the realization to sink in, for me to realize all this. What i ran after was all in my head. Now, when i know myself better, when my head is clearer, when i actually have something which is worth fighting for, i now wonder what was it that i saw at that point that made me fight as long as i did. More than what it really was, it became all about how i WANTED it to be, wanted things to be. And the leverage i gave it, made it bigger than reality. An exaggerated though half baked premise. I don't know how or why i stayed for as long as i did.. but i guess if i hadn't, i would have never known really what it was that i really wanted, as compared to what i THOUGHT i did.

And none of it would have been possible without that one presence that made me see the difference between the two. And it's a funny feeling, to realize that all this while, what you confused for something so huge, was nothing but a result of perceived ideal scenarios and an overdose of drama and emotions.
My friends, those blessed souls, and my baby sister... they all saw and understood and tried everything they could to make me understand, see things as clearly as i do now. But to no avail.

But i guess, it was meant to be the way it turned out to be. It's like pieces of a puzzle falling into right slots after multiple attempts.

And it's things like these which make me appreciate what i now have, even more. If that phase of my life taught what i DIDN'T want from life, this one teaches me everyday what i do want. And every realization is a new revelation... :)

The Morning After Post...

..Ok. So that post was last night. A lament full of self pity. Something I absolutely loathe. And something that was momentary. The moment has passed, and I'm very much myself now. And I'll be damned if I ask for anyone's sympathy!

And nor are my wishes, my wants, my desires, ambitions, goals going to be subjected to anyone's observations, comments, cynicism or opinions anymore. There's one thing I have always dreaded, and that is, being written off insignificantly. Nobody can do that to me. And I'm NOT going to do that to myself. Bloody hell! I'm not even 25, even if the last 3 years have been bad, they are hardly something that's going to impact the rest of my life! And if one thing doesn't work out, I'll find another way, something else. But I will NOT be written off into insignificance, as someone who COULD be something, had the potential to be something, but broke down and lost her plot. If ONE plan doesn't work out, I'll figure something else out. I'll make my own way. And I'll do it alone, however I have to. And anyway, professional help? Sure, why not! If I DO ever need it, why not go for it! It doesn't imprint me with the scarlett letter! And its anyway better to go to a professional than roll up in a corner and cry your eyes out for rest of the day. Nothing could be worse!

A 4AM Lament

The past few years,  as most are aware, have been kind of hard for a. Number of reasons, most of them being interrelated and inter woven. I have tried to deal with them the best I can. Sometimes, I'm able to convince myself that I've done better than anyone else would have. At other times though, I'm not so sure. The last few months have been like that... Full of unsurity, a lot of insecurity, constant fear, a sort of hopelessness that's settling in. But unlike every time before this, I'm not being able to get over it, deal with it on my own. And when I'm not, I look around me. For someone who could help me with it, sometimes even feel I have people who could help me. But it's always a disappointment. And every time it happens, it breaks me down a little bit more. Sometimes I even wonder if I need professional help to help me deal with things. Because what was once just one single aspect of my life, has now come to define it. Everything that I am or am not, is defined by that one fact.. And its related failures. And now it has become such a part of my psyche, I've begun to wonder who I reaaly am! What am I? What are my capabilities? What am I good at? Am I good at anything? I don't know any longer! Forget that, I don't even know what I like anymore, or what I want from my life! I run from things, refuse to face them, acknowledge some sad truths. I try and lose myself in the moment, trying to find a permanent solution in my temporary escape.. I start having undue expectations from people around me, expecting them to have answers to MY problems that I've myself failed to solve for years! I let myself get affected by petty things, let things hurt me easily, grant so much mind space to smallest of things... Lose myself in others to the extent that when I don't find the same reciprocated in the same manner, it sends me back in my shell, blaming. The world for its unfairness.

Who hasn't had to go through hardships? Aren't hard times supposed to be the real test of character? Aren't they to motivate us to overcome all trials and tribulations? Doesn't everyone say how strong I am, how truly intelligent I am? Then why don't I have that confidence in me? Why do I insist on slipping into this vulnerable, broken girl who can't do anything with her life, a picture I myself loathe? Why dpi let myaelf slip into that dark abyss?

What, why, when, where, how.....

BLANK

Where words fail, silence might just prevail.

Maybe the constant expression of thoughts and opinions isn't the best thing to do after all. Maybe distance, silence, space, time pose the same questions better and alongside procure their answers too.

The questions, though pertinent, may not always obtain the best answers after all. What are words after all, when they don't mean the same thing to everyone involved. How will the answers be forthcoming when the questions are not understood the same way.

Time.. Patience.. Distance.. Detachment..

Challa ki labhda phire...

So this track is from the movie Jab Tak Hai Jaan, sung by Rabbi Shergill. It has recently become a favorite. It's been around for a while, yes, but somehow it has caught my fancy just recently.. Decent lyrics, great music, and that amazing voice!

Challa ki labh daa phirey
Challa ki labh daa phirey
Yaaron main ghar kehdaa
Lokan ton puchdaa phirey
Challa hansda phirey
Challa rounda phirey
Challa gali gali ruldaa phirey

Challe tu sab daa
Challe tera koi nahi
Challa gali gali rul daa phirey
Challa ki labh daa phirey
Challa ki labh daa phirey
Yaaron main ghar kehdaa
Lokan ton puchdaa phirey
Challa ki labh daa phirey

Rang satrangi de bulbula di boli
Dhoop de pairi chale, chhavan ni lay dolee
Rang satrangi rangi de, bulbula di di bolee
Dhoop de pairi chale, chhavan ni lai lai dolee
Hun kaale kaale badaalan ch chand labh daa
Goongiyan hawa va diyaan waaja soon da
Yaaro aas paas wasdaa aiy yaar mera
Dikhdaa ni ohdiyaan khusbuaan sunghdaa

O Challa ki labh daa phirey..
Challa ki labh daa phirey
Yaaron main ghar kehdaa
Lokan ton puchdaa phirey
Challa ki labh daa phirey

Naa visaal hoya kadi na judaai hoi
Ishq de qaidi ki naa rihaai hoi
Lokon sufne ch milne daa wadaa usda
Saari saari raat naa ankh lagdi
Mere saa vee thode thode ghhat aaunde
Meri nabz vee thodi ghat wajdi

Challa ki labh daa phirey
Challa ki labh daa phirey
Yaaron main ghar kehda
Lokan ton puchdaa phirey
Challa hansda phirey
Challa rounda phirey
Challa gali gali ruldaa phirey
Challe tu sub daa
Challe tera koi nahi

Challa galee galee rul daa phirey
Challa Challa ki labh daa phirey
Challa ki labh daa phirey
Challa ki labh daa phirey