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Thursday, June 22, 2017

Zindagi.. Kaisi Yeh Paheli Haaye!

Zindagi... kaisi yeh paheli haaye!
Kabhi yeh hasaaye, kabhi ye rulaaye!

Nahi samajh aata kis taraf jaa rahi hoon main.. kahaan jaa rahi hoon. Kaise jaa rahi hoon. Kahi jaa bhi rahi hoon kya? Ya phir bina pata hue wahin khadi reh gayi hoon.. 
Kahaan kabhi chahti thi ki kisi cheez se na bandh jaaun. Kisi ko koi jawaab na dena pade, rishte aur unke saath ki uljhano se door bhaag jaaun.. aur aaj aisa lagta hai unhi mein lipat kar reh gayi hoon.
Magar galti kisi aur ki nahi hai.. galti sirf meri hai. Kyunki maine kabhi apne aap ko apni khud ki nazar se naa hi dekhne ki koshish ki, na samajhne ki. Bas hamesha doosron ki hi nazar se apne ko dekhne ki koshish karti rahi. Hamesha dhyaan isi mein raha ki meri kareebi log mujhse kya chahte hain, mujhme kya chahte hain. Kya sochte hain woh mere baare mein.. sab accha hi sochte hain na, ya phir unhe kuch naa pasand hai mere me? Shayad main agar ye kar loon to mujhe thoda better samjhenge, aur agar yeh kar lun, to shaayad woh bhi mujhe utna hi pyaar karenge jitna main karti hoon unhe..
ye sochte sochte main apne aap ko aaj tak kabhi aise badalti rahi hoon, to kabhi waise. Aur ab haal aisa hai ki main khud hi bhool gayi hoon ki main khudse kya chahti hoon. Nahi samajh paa rahi hoon ye kya chal raha hai mere dil me, mere dimaag mein. Ye ajeeb si hulchul kyun hai? Yeh chidchidapan kyun hai? Doosron ki pasand napasand ki shatranj khelte khelte, shaayad main apni hi zindagi ka sirf ek pyaada ban gayi hoon. Hona to rani tha, magar mujhe lagta nahi main kabhi apne aap ko itni acchi tarha samajh bhi paaungi. 

Dar lagta hai mujhe. Kaise samjhoon apne aap ko main. Kaise is paheli ko suljhaun? Mere andar ki ye hulchul ab to mere har roz ki baaton mein bhi dikhne lagi hai. Choti choti baaton par gussa aa jaata hai mujhe. Main unpar Alok se jhagad leti hoon. Kuch bhi akele nahi chhoda jaata. Jab tak har cheez ko kured kured kar usko acche kheench kar, tod kar, marod kar us baat ko khatam nahi kar paati, use khatam nahi hone deti. Kya karoon main?! Mujhe pata hai ki jab tak mere andar woh shaanti nahi aayegi, jab tak main khud ko nahi dhoond lungi, main kabhi is kami ko nahi poora kar paaungi. Mujhe jo chahiye, main uska jawaab baahar kisi cheez mein, ya kisi aur mein nahi dhoond sakti. Woh sirf mere hi andar mujhe milega.. magar kaise dhoondo? kaise us tak pauhnchu? 

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Sometimes we are so wrapped up in our own zone and our own world, we fail to pay any heed to how our words or actions, no matter how insignificant they might seem to us,a affect those around us. And more often than not, we do this barbaric thing with people who are closest to us, whom we have the power to affect the most.
It's really sad when it happens, but what might worsen the blow is a pre existing weakness in the other person, which you trigger unintentionally when you talk heedlessly.
And that's what i request of everyone who's reading this blog post.. Please, no matter how close you might be to someone, no matter whether they're your soulmates or childhood buddies or children or parents or whatever else.. Please please please, stop a minute before you say things to these people. It's not as much about how harsh or ordinary your words are, it's about the impact they have on the one who's listening. And surely, if they genuinely are as important to you as you claim, you would be aware of the potential impact of your words on them, nay? For what's most banal for you could be profuse for the other. And once the damage is done, the hurt cannot be simply wished away.. Nor the showdown that might follow it.

Saturday, January 28, 2017

It's 2 AM by the clock, and I'm still wide awake. Had a fabulous evening where the husband cooked an amazing dinner of veg potpourri and toast, post which we watched The Girl on The Train with a drink each. He's now pleasantly asleep, but sleep eludes me right now. So here I am, fixing myself some cup noodles and reading a good book while listening to some Eric Clapton. Can't say am missing sleep.. This solitude just feels too nice. :)
Ah well! Sweet dreams, you all!

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Now that I'm married and have become an aunt by extension, and have had the chance to observe some of those typical parents and children interactions, I can say that we as adults are less than perfect towards children in a number of ways! Because I feel that, in our wish to continuously protect them and be around them and shield them and feed them, we are smothering them. Even when we are right,  I feel we are partly wrong. Why? Because we give them the answers even before they have asked a question! Because we feed into their tiny heads what they should or shouldn't do, even before they realize the choices in front of them. Because we want to protect them from the cold or the rain or the heat, irrespective of whether the weather is that formidable or not. Because we forget what it felt like when we were young, and loved to go out in the rain and get wet, or eat those ice lollies or run around in the sweat and the mud, or..

I see kids and their mothers and try and compare it with how it was when I was a child.. Were we also constantly told how to do this or that, wear this or that, eat this or that, think this way or that way?

I wonder if aren't we hampering their own experiences by cushioning them too much? By having one long list of DO's and DON'Ts, instead of raising disciplined individuals, aren't we raising biased individuals? Breathe please, and let them breathe as well!