tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41455845572366309412024-03-06T14:22:22.078+05:30Random Thoughts...no intelligent idea can
gain general acceptance
unless some
stupidity is mixed in it.
-Fernando PessoaUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger410125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145584557236630941.post-89969358812378076572018-05-01T09:40:00.001+05:302018-05-01T09:40:31.244+05:30Turning unfaithful..<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
To all of you who have been visiting my blog over all these years.. thank you. thank you for making me feel that there was something that i have been doing for more than a decade now (!!) that did have some meaning. Believe it or not, the thought that i have been read by so many of you, that there are people who though might not have been following me, have still looked up my blog and read what i wrote, gave me so much confidence, words can't express it.<br />
<br />
However, i feel that after all these years, i am finally ready for something new. So i am shifting my blog to wordpress.com. It's still not my own domain yet, i know, but someday soon i promise. Till then, please DO keep reading my thoughts, becoming a part of my world, and show some love on the new blog! My new blog's name is <b><i>Random Thoughts</i></b> (big surprise, that lol!), and the URL is <a href="https://kritzmat.wordpress.com/">https://kritzmat.wordpress.com/</a> .<br />
<br />
Please continue to visit the new page, and do share your thoughts, your opinions with me through your comments. Continue to share with me what resonates with you, what you like, or even what you don't.<br />
<br />
So long, Blogspot! Thank you for having given me this beautiful outlet for my thoughts and feelings. You will always be my first :)</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145584557236630941.post-63730816251971869032017-10-24T12:47:00.000+05:302017-10-24T12:47:44.677+05:30IF I COULD (By Maurice Yvonne)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
if i could, <div>
i'd wish a magic wand.</div>
<div>
if i could,</div>
<div>
i would build dreams</div>
<div>
brick by brick </div>
<div>
the kind</div>
<div>
one could hang on to</div>
<div>
one could live in.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
if i could, </div>
<div>
imagine</div>
<div>
upside down </div>
<div>
rainbows </div>
<div>
so the sky </div>
<div>
baby blue</div>
<div>
would look as if</div>
<div>
it was smiling. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
my bestest hope</div>
<div>
wipe away the tears from</div>
<div>
the hungry </div>
<div>
the abused </div>
<div>
the sickly children</div>
<div>
and elderly. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
this first, </div>
<div>
fore all else,</div>
<div>
yes the children and the elderly. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
if i could, </div>
<div>
replace every tear with a smile </div>
<div>
a hug</div>
<div>
a tickle </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
if i could, </div>
<div>
snap my fingers make money obsolete, </div>
<div>
plenty for everybody to share.</div>
<div>
clap my hands medical care everywhere would be there.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
in my heart, live dried out tears.</div>
<div>
there, i hear the pulse of our planet. </div>
<div>
so many good people, </div>
<div>
people who care.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
there's a black venom </div>
<div>
such a small dose </div>
<div>
affects the masses. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
if i could,</div>
<div>
supply all with the antidote.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
if i could, </div>
<div>
i would build an arc </div>
<div>
sail 'till the world was cleansed </div>
<div>
move in with everyone </div>
<div>
on one land. </div>
<div>
call it OURS. </div>
<div>
yes definitely OURS. </div>
<div>
i like that name. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
i can't. </div>
<div>
i can't do all those things. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
i can kiss where it hurts. </div>
<div>
give hugs freely. </div>
<div>
give what possessions, </div>
<div>
i can do without, </div>
<div>
share my physical wealth. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
i fear nothing. </div>
<div>
least of all poverty </div>
<div>
happy to share what i can. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
i can offer you my love </div>
<div>
love comes easy to me. </div>
<div>
it never feels like enough. </div>
<div>
but i am here, arms wide open. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
tell me what is it you need, how can i help. </div>
<div>
i love you, unconditionally.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<i>[I came across this poem on this website called Poetry Soup. It was so raw, so beautiful i couldn't help but re post it here. Whoever you are Yvonne, know that your words resonate with me, and affect me like things haven't in a long long while. You are one beautiful soul, whoever you are.</i></div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
<i>The original link where i found this poem is: https://www.poetrysoup.com/poem/if_i_could_625737 ]</i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145584557236630941.post-48713053344690254082017-08-04T12:24:00.001+05:302017-08-04T12:24:50.541+05:30<p dir="ltr">I am now beginning to understand the differences between fairytale romance as we are exposed to, and real life love. In real life, the stories do not end with merely the girl and the boy walking away into the sunset hand in hand, after having won their love against all odds. </p>
<p dir="ltr">It goes beyond those small insignificant problems that you might have been used to thus far. It's about how you understand your partner. Whether you look at their feelings as being free of you/independent of you, or whether you look at them from your lens, and only stay fixated on yourself. </p>
<p dir="ltr">It's about expectations - where do you draw a line on what/how much you can expect from them. </p>
<p dir="ltr">It's about whether you recognize and respect your differences for real, accept that you both might be different as light and day, or do you try and colour the other in your colors, expect them to be like you, feel like you, love like you, be like you. </p>
<p dir="ltr">It's about NOT pretending. About having to feel the burden of always being right in the other person's eyes. Of taking that freedom of thought, emotions, actions and feelings for granted, and not feeling OBLIGATED to behave a certain way and act a certain way, afraid to be yourself for the fear of hurting the other. </p>
<p dir="ltr">It's about establishing trust, and not taking its existence for granted. It's about when somebody entrusts you with their confidence and considers you trustworthy enough to be themselves around you, to cherish and value that trust. To acknowledge that the person in front of you is an individual in their own right, and NOT someone you have chosen to merely echo your feelings and thoughts and opinions. </p>
<p dir="ltr">It's about giving as much as taking. When you want someone to be physically and emotionally invested in you, you need to ensure that you make it worth their while.</p>
<p dir="ltr">And more than anything else, it's about understanding that the relationship is worth it all only when you view your partner as an EQUAL, not just in words and on paper or while talking in social circles, but in your mind, actions, opinions and expectations. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Know that what you are, who you are, as an individual, stays. When you accept someone in your life and are willing to make them a permanent part of you, KNOW that you are putting them above all others in your life. But NEVER above yourself. And NEVER beneath yourself. Always an <u>equal.</u></p>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145584557236630941.post-67359955215158293782017-06-22T22:17:00.000+05:302017-06-22T22:17:59.740+05:30Zindagi.. Kaisi Yeh Paheli Haaye!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Zindagi... kaisi yeh paheli haaye!<div>
Kabhi yeh hasaaye, kabhi ye rulaaye!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Nahi samajh aata kis taraf jaa rahi hoon main.. kahaan jaa rahi hoon. Kaise jaa rahi hoon. Kahi jaa bhi rahi hoon kya? Ya phir bina pata hue wahin khadi reh gayi hoon.. </div>
<div>
Kahaan kabhi chahti thi ki kisi cheez se na bandh jaaun. Kisi ko koi jawaab na dena pade, rishte aur unke saath ki uljhano se door bhaag jaaun.. aur aaj aisa lagta hai unhi mein lipat kar reh gayi hoon.</div>
<div>
Magar galti kisi aur ki nahi hai.. galti sirf meri hai. Kyunki maine kabhi apne aap ko apni khud ki nazar se naa hi dekhne ki koshish ki, na samajhne ki. Bas hamesha doosron ki hi nazar se apne ko dekhne ki koshish karti rahi. Hamesha dhyaan isi mein raha ki meri kareebi log mujhse kya chahte hain, mujhme kya chahte hain. Kya sochte hain woh mere baare mein.. sab accha hi sochte hain na, ya phir unhe kuch naa pasand hai mere me? Shayad main agar ye kar loon to mujhe thoda better samjhenge, aur agar yeh kar lun, to shaayad woh bhi mujhe utna hi pyaar karenge jitna main karti hoon unhe..</div>
<div>
ye sochte sochte main apne aap ko aaj tak kabhi aise badalti rahi hoon, to kabhi waise. Aur ab haal aisa hai ki main khud hi bhool gayi hoon ki main khudse kya chahti hoon. Nahi samajh paa rahi hoon ye kya chal raha hai mere dil me, mere dimaag mein. Ye ajeeb si hulchul kyun hai? Yeh chidchidapan kyun hai? Doosron ki pasand napasand ki shatranj khelte khelte, shaayad main apni hi zindagi ka sirf ek pyaada ban gayi hoon. Hona to rani tha, magar mujhe lagta nahi main kabhi apne aap ko itni acchi tarha samajh bhi paaungi. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Dar lagta hai mujhe. Kaise samjhoon apne aap ko main. Kaise is paheli ko suljhaun? Mere andar ki ye hulchul ab to mere har roz ki baaton mein bhi dikhne lagi hai. Choti choti baaton par gussa aa jaata hai mujhe. Main unpar Alok se jhagad leti hoon. Kuch bhi akele nahi chhoda jaata. Jab tak har cheez ko kured kured kar usko acche kheench kar, tod kar, marod kar us baat ko khatam nahi kar paati, use khatam nahi hone deti. Kya karoon main?! Mujhe pata hai ki jab tak mere andar woh shaanti nahi aayegi, jab tak main khud ko nahi dhoond lungi, main kabhi is kami ko nahi poora kar paaungi. Mujhe jo chahiye, main uska jawaab baahar kisi cheez mein, ya kisi aur mein nahi dhoond sakti. Woh sirf mere hi andar mujhe milega.. magar kaise dhoondo? kaise us tak pauhnchu? </div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145584557236630941.post-25057094141062653652017-05-16T10:31:00.001+05:302017-05-16T11:43:05.958+05:30<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div dir="ltr">
Sometimes we are so wrapped up in our own zone and our own world, we fail to pay any heed to how our words or actions, no matter how insignificant they might seem to us,a affect those around us. And more often than not, we do this barbaric thing with people who are closest to us, whom we have the power to affect the most.<br />
It's really sad when it happens, but what might worsen the blow is a pre existing weakness in the other person, which you trigger unintentionally when you talk heedlessly.<br />
And that's what i request of everyone who's reading this blog post.. Please, no matter how close you might be to someone, no matter whether they're your soulmates or childhood buddies or children or parents or whatever else.. Please please please, stop a minute before you say things to these people. It's not as much about how harsh or ordinary your words are, it's about the impact they have on the one who's listening. And surely, if they genuinely are as important to you as you claim, you would be aware of the potential impact of your words on them, nay? For what's most banal for you could be profuse for the other. And once the damage is done, the hurt cannot be simply wished away.. Nor the showdown that might follow it. </div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145584557236630941.post-59932187589842084722017-01-28T02:07:00.001+05:302017-01-28T02:07:18.293+05:30<p dir="ltr">It's 2 AM by the clock, and I'm still wide awake. Had a fabulous evening where the husband cooked an amazing dinner of veg potpourri and toast, post which we watched The Girl on The Train with a drink each. He's now pleasantly <u>asleep</u>, but sleep eludes me right now. So here I am, fixing myself some cup noodles and reading a good book while listening to some Eric Clapton. Can't say am missing sleep.. This solitude just feels too nice. :) <br>
Ah well! Sweet dreams, you all! <br>
</p>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145584557236630941.post-59839711699845378092017-01-17T08:38:00.001+05:302017-01-17T08:38:42.611+05:30<p dir="ltr">Now that I'm married and have become an aunt by extension, and have had the chance to observe some of those typical parents and children interactions, I can say that we as adults are less than perfect towards children in a number of ways! Because I feel that, in our wish to continuously protect them and be around them and shield them and feed them, we are smothering them. Even when we are right,  I feel we are partly wrong. Why? Because we give them the answers even before they have asked a question! Because we feed into their tiny heads what they should or shouldn't do, even before they realize the choices in front of them. Because we want to protect them from the cold or the rain or the heat, irrespective of whether the weather is that formidable or not. Because we forget what it felt like when we were young, and loved to go out in the rain and get wet, or eat those ice lollies or run around in the sweat and the mud, or.. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I see kids and their mothers and try and compare it with how it was when I was a child.. Were we also constantly told how to do this or that, wear this or that, eat this or that, think this way or that way?</p>
<p dir="ltr">I wonder if aren't we hampering their own experiences by cushioning them too much? By having one long list of DO's and DON'Ts, instead of raising disciplined individuals, aren't we raising biased individuals? Breathe please, and let them breathe as well! </p>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145584557236630941.post-79447656236622784992016-12-02T23:43:00.001+05:302016-12-02T23:48:09.069+05:30DUNIYA KA SABSE BADA ROG, KYA KAHENGE LOG!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Self worth.. the phrase that has been going around in my head since morning. What got me thinking about it? A conversation with someone very close and very dear to me. She is facing a problem, but has sort of become indifferent to it. When i suggested that why don't you share your feelings and fears and insecurities with those immediately around you, she refused point blank, stating categorically that she has no confidence in them. And went on a step further to add that she feels that the self doubt and issues in her mind right now, are a result of ignorant emotional attacks by those very people, wherein, while expressing their uninhibited concern and support for something in a not so positive way, they ended up being the reason for self doubt and lack of self worth in her<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Why do we do this? Why do we overstep our lines and destroy somebody's confidence or worth or value, simply because they do not adhere to the ideal image that we have in our heads? Why is it so important to you that the other person looks, talks, walks, think, or for that matter breathes, in the manner you seem fit? No matter how close you are to them, you can NOT become that person! You can NOT take up the onus of judging them AND THEN, take up the responsibility of setting the list of action items they need to undertake in order to fall in line. How atrocious and ignorant of you! Do you realize what you do? The 'concern' that you have shown over all these years, has wiped away slowly at the feeling of self worth that is the basic right of that very person! If anything, your responsibility is to help that very person for that very thing, by lending them all the positivity and strength that you can muster. Stop taunting and shaming them, and start with some understanding, some counselling, some encouragement, and lots of strength. Tell her that she's perfect the way she is, that there are so many qualities in her that even you don't possess, that her personality outshines then sheen brought on by the most expensive of illuminators. That when you listen to stories of others, your heart swells with gratitude and your head goes a little higher with pride. That her inherent potential, her skills, and her dogged persistence, makes her jewel in today's world!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
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There are times when we all fail to do these things - appreciate a person for who she is, NOT BECAUSE we don't value them or don't recognize their worth, but because we love them so much, or because we want so much MORE for them, we want everything to be added in that one little human spirit, to make it bigger and bigger, just like the love that we feel for them or the wishes that we seek for them. But then, without realizing it, we are creating our own shackles around them, which bind them and tear at them bit by bit, till it leaves behind only a fragment of what once was.. Don't do it. Don't destroy something precious in your attempts to protect it and harness it. You will never even realize the damage that you instil..</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
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And you, don't you let it chip away at yourself. You are more than just words, or taunts, or opinions. You are bigger than anything else in your own universe. Your first responsibility, today and always, is only and only towards yourself. Only when you yourself are happy, can you ever make anyone or anything happy. And nobody has the right to make you feel anything that you don't wish to. They can say whatever the fuck they want, but it can't be worth anything ONLY WHEN you decide to give it any weight. You are stronger than that. You are stronger than anything else. Because you have absolute and uncontrolled power over one thing and only one thing in this planet - yourself. Don't squander it away, don't delegate it to anybody else. Your own willpower will guide you, your own reasons will guide you.. give them freeway. Let facts and situations talk to you. Listen to that voice inside of you, which tells you the most honest thing. Don't ignore it, not in the favor of the cacophony around you, and most certainly not in the favour of that little elf called Self Pity. These two things will always try and overpower you. But they can, only if YOU let them, Don't let them.</div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145584557236630941.post-66582185989364465792016-08-22T19:46:00.001+05:302016-08-22T19:46:11.899+05:30<p dir="ltr">The entire day today, I've been wondering about one thing - when did I stop trusting  my own validation of myself, and when did I start looking for it outside? Was it because I was always a fat child, a fat girl, and I always felt inferior to my other friends, who were all (and still are!) strikingly shapely and beautiful as far back as I can remember? Was it the fact that this one thing made me feel so small about myself, I started depending upon the kind words spoken by others, appreciating my naturally sharp features and pretty face? Did I start looking for that compensation everywhere, fishing  for those few words, to quench my thirst for appreciation that usually fell in the laps of my more dainty friends? Perhaps. And funnily enough, now I feel no sense of shame or embarrassment in admitting to it on a public forum. It's definitely not the easiest thing  to say, but it doesn't really matter to me anymore. Because I'm not insecure anymore about what I am or how I look. And I'm equally unashamed to admit to the fact that it has as much to do with the fact that I understand myself more, as the fact that I understand those very people a lot better today. And they aren't as perfect or beyond reproach as my naive mind once felt they were.</p>
<p dir="ltr">And yet, I regret that small loss of control and independence over my confidence even now, more than I regret feeling inferior or superior or whatever. Because it sort of travelled to other aspects of my personality. I started looking for validation and ratification from others. I always had a knack for words, and that ability came from the fact that I felt everything I wrote, and I wrote only what I felt. But then, besides a few cases here and there, those words became jargon. They sounded good, damn they sounded good! They sounded so good in my head and while I said them, that I loved the idea of believing them. They made me sound ambitious, smart, intelligent, intellectual, and very very corporate. Ambitious I'd always been. But now, it was more like commercial ambition. And this path seemed easier than the one I'd originally thought for myself anyway, because there, I'd have had to write my own course of action. Here, the path was well written and everyone was walking it! And where I was skeptical, I looked for guidance towards others.. Who well meaning as they were, could never be me, and hence could never give me the advice that I was subconsciously craving or truly in the need of. They were risk averse and always believed in playing safe, which worked brilliantly for them. And so, without questioning much, I once again looked for the path, the route outside, and then endeavored to walk it. And because it didn't really mean much to me, I looked for approval from outside for my small victories and feared the disapproval and disappointment that accompanied my failures. I judged myself, and allowed people to judge me. To the extent that I couldn't hear what my own mind was saying anymore..</p>
<p dir="ltr">And it took me ages to realize how horribly caught up i had become in this vicious circle of my own making. And how important it is for me to get out of it! The personality complexes, the constant inward comparisons, questioning the intentions of the most normal things, doubting support that came my way, and worst of all, looking at smallest of achievements as if I'd conquered the whole world and self proclaiming myself as a cut above the rest.. Conflicting personality traits, bursts of anger, extreme mood swings, constant self pity.. You name it and i was feeling it. And justifying it all in my head. All for what? To convince myself that the decisions I'd taken over all these years were actually not all that bad...</p>
<p dir="ltr">It took a lot of patience on my end as well as those who were closest to me (unaware as they are of the reasons for my erratic behaviour), and a lot of undoing of all that negativity in my head to get to this point now when I can so objectively talk about it, write about it. I'm still a work in progress and it will still take me a long time to reach those levels of confidence that I had when I was a mere 16 year old.. But I am trying, a little too slowly perhaps, but I am.. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I have been in transit all this time, between office and home. And somehow this constant movement of the cab has proven to be more settling for my thoughts than a stagnant sit down approach would have been. I basically wanted to pen this all down somewhere before I took any steps towards a new beginning, where I am going to try and push my own boundaries for the first time, and allow myself to experiment with things I feel I might be decent at. So there! <br>
</p>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145584557236630941.post-6725727426940742952016-08-07T00:28:00.001+05:302016-08-07T00:28:45.857+05:30<p dir="ltr">Mumma.. I miss you. I miss your warmth. I miss being able to lie next to you, holding onto you, without having to explain myself. I miss your hands in my hair, your soothing words. Nobody can take your place or make my heart and mind feel calm the way you can. Just knowing you're next to me, talking to you, have you talk to me.. Laughing with you, joking with you, pulling your leg.. Fighting with you, crying when you shout at me.. Sharing my problems with you and Mona.. </p>
<p dir="ltr">.. Who do I turn to, who can do for me what you could, without judging me, without forming any opinions about me. Neither you nor daddy.. No matter how you disapproved of some aspects of mine, your words never made me feel do despondent. I'm missing you guys so much. Staying away from you people is harder every time anything makes me realize how irreplaceable you guys are. I love you! I can't wait for the next time I come for a long long time. </p>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145584557236630941.post-55159309968346958092016-07-22T19:10:00.001+05:302016-07-22T19:10:24.662+05:30Murphy Returns<p dir="ltr">Worst mood possible! Hot sticky evening, and I'm in an auto on my way back home from work. After having waited on the road for 30 mins to get a conveyance of ANY form. The auto guy just had to get gas refilled today. The weather is sticky and humid and I'm sweating buckets, sticky all over. As the auto moves, the breeze slightly blows. But then, we get stick at the signal once again. And the auto driver is sweating dollops as well, and stinking of mouldy stuff. Yeurgh!! God knows how my judgemental ass is smelling to others though! And now I have to go to one of those highbrow South Delhi malls, all messed up. Oh man! I want to vent off on someone /something!! </p>
<p dir="ltr">Of all the days, why did I choose this opportune day to travel by auto you ask? Well, because as today happens to be my lucky day, my phone internet stopped working because of which I couldn't book a pool ride. </p>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145584557236630941.post-38989557665183777452016-05-01T02:31:00.001+05:302016-05-01T03:10:42.719+05:30END OF AN ERA.. OR MAYBE TWO<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
so, there it is, in big bold letters. End of an era. All those age old crushes, those subjects of my puppy love, my adulation, the reasons behind my heartache, and some of the most moving (hell, at that time!) posts.. they are all now officially either married or betrothed. And lo and behold, SO AM I!<br />
<br />
I have just spent a good part of last one hour trying to stalk one of these people, and their would be. And no, WITHOUT the remotest of emotional turmoils.. no envy, no ego, no heartache, nothing. Well, okay, maybe, a little bit of that ego thing, which makes you wonder as to what the man might have seen in this lady! But that was a passing whim, and is not really the focul point of this post.<br />
<br />
The point is, i realized today how fluid everything in life is. And how we are designed to evolve and adapt.We only have to allow ourselves the chance to do so.To know when we have reached our saturation levels, and to know that obstinately sticking to that one thing (or person) is not really the best thing for us. To know when to call it quits, whether it is with respect to a lost love, a career going nowhere, or a degree, or any other tragedy. There is always an option of a Plan B, we just have to be willing to accept failure, and look towards it. There's no second guessing of the power that this gives you! Because when you accept this small thing, it is YOU who is choosing to walk away from something which is clearly NOT good for you, instead of leaving yourself at its' mercy. And that's a huge achievement in itself!<br />
<br />
I fell for around 4 people, before i finally met the GB. And all of those times, it was unrequited. Well, partly at least. One of them was came close to being a real relationship, but it was toxic as it could be. I was trying to be somebody else's saviour, and destroying my life in my attempts to do so. I as an individual, held no value for the other person, except maybe being their fallback option. And i was okay with all of it, till i finally reached my saturation level, and my eyes opened to the fact that he was completely hollow, and i actually did not trust him at all. Because he had nothing worth offering to me, and i wanted SO much more than most anyway! He could never be the prince of my fairy tale because he himself needed saving! He was drained and empty. And he was trying to drown out his misery by clinging on to me, and making me his crutch. And the moment that realization dawned, i never looked back, I never felt the need to.<br />
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Because i then came across this other person, who actually made me realize what being a 'man' truly meant. What it meant to trust, to depend, and to be basically offered everything unconditionally. For the first time in my life, i felt like i belonged! And all this only happened when i chose to take a call with respect to my life, and walk away just at the right time. Any sooner, i would have probably not learnt the life lessons that i did, and any later, i would have probably missed out on my GB!<br />
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And this.. THIS is what i want to explain to myself once again at this stage in my life, to realize that time has come once again to take some more tough decisions, and make them your life choices. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145584557236630941.post-46820671718925734412016-04-26T09:45:00.001+05:302016-04-26T09:59:56.207+05:30<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Two people who give up on their own comfort and pleasures, just to ensure that you have everything you want for. That you are protected and sheltered. They might not indulge you and your whims on the face of it, or encourage you to buy those big brands, but when you need that money for a reason, it WILL be there, without even a second thought, and only God knows from where! They are like your emergency credit card. For themselves, they will think, and think thrice, before they buy anything. But for you, they always want to make sure that you have what you want, even if they do try and exercise a little bit of rationality while looking at the tags. Oh yeah, they will negotiate even the smallest rise in your pocket money/allowance. But i believe that's just a ploy to help you become a better negotiator haha! Oops.. just realized i haven't specifically mentioned i am talking about parents. Then again, who could have assumed otherwise, reading what i have written thus far, heh.<br />
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But what happens when you grow up and aren't really dependent upon them for all your whims and fancies? Oh sure, you talk about independence and our rights and their duties and individual choice. But how do you REALLY strike a balance with all these things, and a genuine feeling that you are what you are because of them and their small sacrifices over these many years? Do you continue to be okay with how they still treat you like the young one, looking out for you, trying to advise you about things, telling you what's best for you and what isn't good for you at all, protecting you and sheltering you? Or do you simply shout and fight, trying to exercise the good ol' "my life, my choice!" right? How do you ensure that you become an independent, open minded, confident individual who doesn't depend on them for his or her needs, without becoming a stranger to them and breaking their heart?</div>
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I am 27 and still struggling to figure THAT one out! It would be nice to know what others think as well! ;)</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145584557236630941.post-40677093130082344392015-09-29T09:05:00.001+05:302015-09-29T09:05:52.319+05:30Metro Diaries #2<p dir="ltr">Men watching exercise videos.. Women holding bags from "Joylukkas Jewellers", (apparently world's favourite jewellers as their tagline proudly proclaims), college girls sitting on the metro floor in all their trendy glory, young men discretely checking out women, women subtly encouraging with a glance and a half <u>smile</u> here and there.. Do you observe all this, or do you continue reading your same old boring law book?<br>
</p>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145584557236630941.post-83324290787080838822015-09-08T09:29:00.001+05:302015-09-08T09:29:55.474+05:30Metro Diaries<p dir="ltr">In all my (limited) years of working, I have never really seen much of office politics in my workspace, in either of the two firms I have been with. Or maybe, I was just not am active participant, considering nobody considered me to be their sharing partner. But right now, as I'm on my way to work, I can actually see it and understand it. Two girls, probably early twenties and hardly out of college, seem to enjoy nothing more than discussing a coworker at length.. Why is she how she is, why she isn't as comfortable (if not more) with them as she is with a certain Sunny from their office team, and if she is that close to him, then there must be something up between them, and no she's apparently not interested in him really but just using him for her office space convenience. Nice. I think work life is going to be even more interesting outside of work than in it. Welcome back to metro diaries as recorded by a certain KMG! </p>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145584557236630941.post-2599202951577794372015-08-06T02:29:00.001+05:302015-08-06T02:29:10.185+05:30The Way I Feel<p dir="ltr">I feel pain when they try to bring me down<br>
But as long as this world keeps turning round<br>
I know it won't last forever<br>
Ok ok my life is moving<br>
But demons are fighting<br>
Ok ok tears are dry now<br>
But demons are fighting</p>
<p dir="ltr">I feel like I'm floating through existence<br>
I feel like I'm living after time<br>
I feel like I'm forced to break the silence<br>
Is that a crime? Is that a crime?<br>
I feel like we're all following shadows<br>
And shadows they don't know where to go<br>
I feel like I'm waiting for tomorrow<br>
While today wastes away</p>
<p dir="ltr">It's not that I don't know<br>
It's not that I can't see<br>
It's not that I haven't noticed<br>
It's driving me insane<br>
It's not that I don't know<br>
It's not that I can't see<br>
It's just the way I feel<br>
It's just the way I feel</p>
<p dir="ltr">I feel like a child without a father<br>
And mama tries oh lord knows mama tries<br>
I feel like the world is on my shoulder<br>
I wonder why, wonder why<br>
I feel like I'm not the only one who's frustrated<br>
I feel like something's going wrong<br>
I can't escape it<br>
I feel like the destinies of those meant<br>
To be the best<br>
Are in the hands of liars now the world is on fire</p>
<p dir="ltr">I feel like we're not angry enough<br>
That while we wait, time's ticking away<br>
I feel there's gonna be an explosion!</p>
<p dir="ltr">It's not that I don't know<br>
It's not that I can't see<br>
It's not that I haven't noticed<br>
It's driving me insane<br>
It's not that I don't know<br>
It's not that I can't see<br>
It's just the way I feel<br>
It's just the way I feel</p>
<p dir="ltr">-Asa </p>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145584557236630941.post-90715036815832042742015-06-03T16:09:00.001+05:302015-06-03T16:09:57.528+05:30<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
For the last four months (almost), my focus and efforts have been concentrated upon being a good wife, daughter in law, sister in law, and a daughter who's now living away from her parents, and learning to juggle all these new hats. It IS a considerable effort, let me say. It is a slow, tedious process, of acquainting and adjusting to new people, environment, relations and expectations. Managing the house, ensuring that it's a comfortable home to all those living in it, including me.<br />
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The first phase required me to adjust to the new ways your new relations live, how they like to have things done. Heh, even things which were once as simple as making a mug of tea have now had to be undone and redone. The second phase started when a month after our marriage, the in laws, who were pretty much in charge of things so far, had to leave for a couple of months and go to their hometown to settle some pending work. That suddenly put me in the driver's seat. A little bit of drama and incline was added to the whole process when the maid went on leave for a month, and i was in charge of everything, from cleaning up to cooking to maintaining stocks to managing the finances and interacting with various persons who are usually on the periphery, associated with running of the house. This phase was obviously also full of some other interesting happenings, like the two of us getting to spend some lone time (of course, subject to my husband's availability from his work, which is his first love i feel!), and the freedom that comes with the responsibility of doing things on your own, and the empowerment it gives you, being the one who runs the show. The third phase kicked in after two months, when we got the news that in laws were coming back. Good as that news was, because we had all missed them, it also filled me with some concern and very justified apprehension.. after having been the primary decision maker for two out of three months of married life, just when i felt i had begun to get used to running things my way, i would have to re align and re adjust. And not just that, the other concern was, what if the in laws didn't like the way i had been running things, the little tiny subtle changes i had made in and around the house? Well, as luck would have it, they arrived, and saw the changes, but didn't have any objections to them. Nor have they really had any problem with my way of doing things, at least so far! We are back to how things were before they left, and hopefully things have settled down now, with a few differences here and there, a major one being my increased role in the way things are done around the house.<br />
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And now that all that has been done with, i think it's time for the fourth phase to kick in: focus on myself again. I need to start focusing on things that i want now, things that are important to me. Enough of idling around, of simply running around to have things in order and keep them that way. I now need to prioritize myself, and not because someone else might expect me to do it, but for my own sake. Because sooner than later, the usual restlessness at the monotony of things will kick in, and i won't have anyone to blame but myself for having missed opportunities that were willing to knock on my door had i allowed them to. And i don't wish for any more regrets in life than the ones i have already done. So yeah, phase four kicking in NOW. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145584557236630941.post-35255073514099629732015-05-21T05:20:00.001+05:302015-05-21T05:20:41.382+05:30<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">A search for an old mail brought me across some of my oldest gmail chats with a very dear friend who has now become distant for the last 2-3 years. A natural process, i am sure. Especially in our case, where i came across him at the age of 16, and have never met him once. Strange, nay? Stranger still, (now that i think about it), was the fact that he is 11 years older than me, but for the longest time i was more comfortable talking to him about almost anything in this world, than any of my other supposedly closer friends. I suppose that's why they used to be fond of having pen friends in the past. Creepy as it might be, it's freeing.</span><div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">i sat for the last 30 minutes, reading our old conversations.. conversations about our daily lives, our trivial daily problems, issues. The college, job stress. Boy-cant-find-girl and girl-kind-find-a-boy problems, heartaches. Silly jokes, stupid sarcasm. And this complete lack of inhibition.. I mean, what could be a bigger testimony to our friendship but the fact that he knew/remembered my various friends from school, college, CA and beyond, and so did i? In my case, i actually became friends with (and still occasionally catch up with) some of them. It's bizarre how somebody becomes a part of your life, attached to you, without making any demands on you. And i guess those are the ones you remember long after, even when those people's importance in your lives doesn't remain the same any longer..</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">i miss him. I miss our pointless, random conversations, wherein we could have been colleagues sitting across each other at the workstation, and sharing small tidbits of the things as usual. I miss not having to always make a point, to be answerable to somoene when i wish to walk away from a pointless conversation, to always sit and think and analyze the impact of my spoken words on the person across me. i miss that freedom where i connected with someone on almost a daily basis for around 7-8 years, even when we didn't have much to say to each other.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">But more than that, more than anything else, i miss myself from that time, where i was self contained, practical, level headed and unperturbed by what the world expected of me. Or, to be fair, where i felt that living upto those expectations was the easiest thing in the world to do. Where distractions, social and societal obligations meant shit to me. I miss the me who never felt obligated to put an '!' after every sentence written, or using emoticons in the hope they might convey an emotion that i may or may not even feel. i miss small things about me.. being a doer instead of a yawner, being driven and ambitious, being on top of my game.. and not giving a flying fuck about the rest of the world..</span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145584557236630941.post-85337507711060250142014-11-09T13:24:00.001+05:302014-11-09T13:24:42.669+05:30SOMETHING ABOUT LIFE.. <p dir=ltr>"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you, no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain't gonna have a life."</p>
<p dir=ltr>Sylvester Stallone, Rocky Balboa</p>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145584557236630941.post-49076759998738537112014-11-02T19:45:00.001+05:302014-11-02T19:45:58.969+05:30<p dir=ltr>This world is a funny place indeed. Or maybe the inhabitants make it so?<br>
Always looking for kinks and chinks in your armour, that one small thing that can undo you. Forbearance just can't be accepted. It's all about mind play and gaining that upper hand. That satisfaction of saying in one's mind, "Ha! Gotcha!" on discovering your weakness, and using that discovery wherever required to step over you, hold you back.. To keep you in line, to keep you behind 'self', to to keep you in check, to keep their control. Parents, lovers, siblings, teachers, competitors, bosses, society.. They all do it. To you, to me, to him, to her.</p>
<p dir=ltr>And then they wonder.. why doesn't he open up, why doesn't he share their pain. Are we not his own? Who else would do it but us?</p>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145584557236630941.post-23438524449267403962014-10-31T19:55:00.001+05:302014-11-01T09:09:21.557+05:30OH, THE WISDOM OF CUSTOMS! <p dir=ltr>When it comes to Indian weddings, odd traditions and rituals are not an unheard or unexpected thing. You try and prepare yourself for the weirdest, but certain things when they come to your knowledge, still manage to leave you dumbfounded. One such thing is an experience that I heard of for the first time from a cousin who got married a few years back, and went through, and which (let me be very clear in stating) I didn't remotely like.. And that is this odd ritual of a <i>sister in law being allowed to pick up and keep any of the many sarees/garments that come in your troeussuee. </i>The poor girl had QUITE a <u>few</u> SILs, who somehow ended up picking all her carefully selected, colourful pieces, and left the drabbest of the lot for her! </p>
<p dir=ltr>Yep, apparently they have the liberty to just put their hand into the suitcase, and pick up whatever they like. The fact that each of those garments has been carefully and tastefully selected by you for yourself, that you might hate to part with it, that it might have cost a bomb are apparently of no consequence whatsoever. You're supposed to just open the bag, and stand in a corner allowing them to sift through the precious things and take whatever they fancy! <br>
Now I'm a very understanding person usually, and have surprising patience and forbearance when it comes to many of these odd traditions. But there happen to be certain things that make my head swirl at the very thought, confusing me as to what I'd like to do more.. a) put my two cents worth of wisdom across the table and try to at least discourage the lameness and stupidity I see, or b) keep quiet and simply ridicule the whole thing in my own head. This is one of those things. I'm amused and unimpressed with this whole nonsense in equal measure for many reasons, some of which are stated below:</p>
<p dir=ltr>1. You and your parents put in a lot of effort in picking every individual item lovingly, smiling and discussing each and every thing that you pick. Why does someone have the right to take it without your permission?! </p>
<p dir=ltr>2. Selecting your troeussuee is one time where you don't budget much, going for the beauty over the value. each and every piece that goes in is usually expensive,  that money being spent by your parents lovingly on YOU. How can anyone else put their claim over it?! </p>
<p dir=ltr>3. There are times when  there's a reasonable enough explanation to the most bizarre of customs, which, when explained, you can at least wrap your head around. If there's any sense around, things would be the other way round, where the new member of the family was welcomed with gifts by members of the family on entering the house. What sense can THIS one make?! </p>
<p dir=ltr>4. The new entrant of the house is supposed to open up her bags, and her stuff (and hence her heart maybe??)  to the daughters of the house.. But why isn't there a return obligation for the daughters to do the same for her? Would they be willing to let her pick absolutely anything from their precious sartorial collection and trinkets, and shower some lowwwve in return?! </p>
<p dir=ltr>5. There are so many gifts, things etc already being given to each and every member of the family.. What's the NEED for this in that scenario?! </p>
<p dir=ltr>6. Even if you absolutely have to, why can't you simply pick up stuff yourself (big enough gesture if you ask me), and give it.. Why the random selection?! </p>
<p dir=ltr>I don't understand what kind of "love all" emotion does this promote? If anything, I think it just leads to grudges on the very first day! It's so ridiculous, even the idea makes me scoff!</p>
<p dir=ltr>Ah well.. To each his/her own! If those involved dont complain, then who am I to!</p>
<p dir=ltr><b><i>DISCLAIMER - let me clearly state that I'm aware that this doesn't happen everywhere, including my own family! It's by no means a generalization. This is just a not so subtle opinion piece on the oddity of things, completely based on the story told to me by a particular person. Thoughts and opinions here are entirely my own, and you're more than welcome to disagree.</i></b></p>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145584557236630941.post-34138261489175190372014-10-27T23:46:00.001+05:302014-10-27T23:46:50.458+05:30My father's daughter.. <p dir=ltr>Things don't ever make as much sense as they do in the shower. And some riddles that are there in your head for aeons take a few seconds to suddenly make sense, although even the solution doesn't make life any easier to be honest.</p>
<p dir=ltr>My mother and my sister are constantly telling me how alike my father and I are.. In habits, in tastes, in our walk, in our talk, in our gestures, and even our sleep patterns! Is it any wonder that some of the struggles I'm facing right now (and have for a while) are the same as his? The pain I'm going through right now is exactly the same as he went through when he was my age, the difficulties the same. How do I know? He's described it to me, tried to warn me against it, encouraged me to take action before it came to this. But I guess it was inevitable. To realize the value of a few things (not the least of them being time and value of perseverance alongside intelligence), I think it was predestined that I go through this.. To discover myself, what I want (still figuring THAT one out!), and what I don't want. To learn the art of patience and temperance. To go through the breakdowns to achieve the level of <u>supposed</u> invincibility.</p>
<p dir=ltr>Anyway.. I digress, getting carried away by the power of the written word.</p>
<p dir=ltr>The point is, I just realized that I can do it, it can happen for me as well. And the 'can' will change into 'will' only when I throw the negativity out. And how can that be impossible? Our lucks are probably designed the same way.. I'm my father's daughter after all.</p>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145584557236630941.post-82416072560094079992014-10-27T15:38:00.001+05:302014-10-27T15:38:52.746+05:30<p dir=ltr>Calm.. Why do you have to always be calm. Why can't you roar when you're angry, or cry when you're hurting. Or throw things, break things when you're raging within? Why is it that even in an outpouring of such tumultuous emotions you've got to watch what you say or do, paying more heed to how it might hurt others than to that dire need to vent? </p>
<p dir=ltr>I don't know.. Maybe it's because it's the things or people that you love the most, that make you this angry, or have that power to hurt you. Maybe it's what they say or think that affects you the most. And those are the very things or people that you wish to protect, even as you battle the urge to hurt them.</p>
<p dir=ltr>I'm scared of ever unleashing the full fury of my anger on anyone. There's nobody I know who I feel is strong enough to withstand it, to not get burnt. I guess that's the reason why most of such times I'm alone by myself, where the only who has to bear the brunt of it all is me, or my own things. And when I can't be myself in my anger, when I can't allow myself that luxury of self destruction before being reborn, I wish to escape, to run away.. Leave behind all that's causing the unbearable pain. Heh. These are the times when I think I'm glad I don't own a car. Else who knows where I would be now.. </p>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145584557236630941.post-41155581839881286102014-10-24T02:33:00.001+05:302014-10-24T11:50:17.539+05:30Aakash ka soonapan, mere tanha mann mein.. <p dir=ltr>What does one do when they feel absolutely alone even in a room bustling with people? Of course, not always, but on occasion? When it feels like no matter the love all around, in varied forms and degrees, you don't belong there? Infact, when you feel that you don't belong anywhere that you could fathom! That feeling of hopeless dejection, where there are so many around, but still you feel lost and vulnerable, and the smallest thing has the power to break your heart, and the others around you just don't see it? And it feels like it's not just one or two people who make you feel that way, but everyone? What, when you know that you don't fit any specific moulds that have been created for most people to fit into, to be accepted as per varying societal norms? </p>
<p dir=ltr>And I'm so afraid that this is how my life is always going to be.. I mean, what if I feel the same way when I'm married and living with my new family? If there are so many mutual issues with people who probably love me the most in the world, how will it be with those who don't even remotely know me? What will I do then? Who will I go to then? Will I always be confused? Will I always feel this alone? </p>
<p dir=ltr>How is it that though we give so much importance to love, love can't always be the only thing sufficient? It can't substitute understanding each other, it can't substitute the need to feel accepted just the way you are, without judgement, without preconceived notions.</p>
<p dir=ltr>How do you make people understand that when you love someone so dearly, and they love you back equally, it's still not enough till you completely and whole heartedly accept them the way they are, and not just  for the present, but forever. I mean, would it be true love if the person I am with would accept me just as I am - nagging, bossy, opinionated, less than delicate, with no real professional achievements to boast of even at 26, or qualities to brag about, as a girlfriend and a lover, but expect me to change when it comes to <u>marriage</u>, to mould myself into the caricature of someone more 'suitable' with respect to the wants of all those around him? Wouldn't in that case it been better for him to have gone for a woman more suited to his requirement via the route of an arranged match? And in the case where all these scenarios were true, what would I have done with my life? Would I have resigned myself to my fate and agreed to everything that's expected out of me, or would I have agreed to most things with bad grace, but in the process become bitter and indifferent towards the one who professed to love me but wasn't strong enough to stand for me? Or, another scenario still, would I have walked out of such a relationship  never to turn back again towards either him or his family or my own, who, to be honest, had never understood me any better than him? <br>
I'd like to believe I would be courageous enough to choose the last alternative.. To walk away from all the toxin all around me, to breathe freely for the first time in my life and follow the dreams that I see now, and have seen for years? To FINALLY colour my future with my own palette of colours. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Now, before anyone starts making assumptions that this is the kind of relationship I'm currently in, I'd like to correct them.. <br>
A) I've recently read a few posts on this blog where men have treated women less than fairly which has made me think of these various grim scenarios, at least the parts applicable on me. <br>
B) I'm with the most wonderful man its possible to find. I love him and trust him to the extent that when I am upset, it's only the thought of him, and the assurance that he's there that helps me hold myself together. And it's this very love and trust that scares me. I am scared of things ever changing, of ANY possible scenarios where this love, trust and faith on either end are compromised.</p>
<p dir=ltr>I often wonder who would I then run to, looking for shelter.. </p>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145584557236630941.post-85681992475339564322014-10-22T23:11:00.001+05:302014-10-23T08:41:49.773+05:30<p dir=ltr>Just sinking in.. The fiancé has already been asked to join us for two of the upcoming typical Mathur occasions. That's obviously besides the fact that he's now a regular at my own home on almost every occasion. While my cousins have merely restricted it to calling him 'charming', one of my uncles actually said that if he was a woman, he would totally marry him. What is this world coming to?! Same time this year we wondering what would it be, how would things turn out. Now we know.. He has invaded the Mathur turf, and is slowly taking over.. </p>
<p dir=ltr>... Am not sure I mind much though. :) </p>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0