Random Thoughts...

YOU

2012-03-21T09:02:00.002+05:30

There's always something in the way
There's always something getting through
But its not me
Its you
Its you

Sometimes ignorance rings true
But hope is not in what I know
Its not in me
Its in you

Its all I know

I find peace when I'm confused
And I find hope when I'm let down
Not in me, me
In you
Its in you

I hope to lose myself for good
I hope to find it in the end
But not in me, me
In you
In you

Its all I know

CANNONBALL

2012-03-18T09:32:00.004+05:30

There's a man all alone
Telling me his friends are gone
That they've died and flown away
So I told him he was wrong
That you friends are never gone
If you look to the sky and pray

- Brandi Carlile

...CAUSE THERE IS A LIGHT, IN YOUR EYES

2012-03-09T02:46:00.004+05:30

Breathe in, breathe out,
Tell me all of your doubts,
& Everybody bleeds this way,
Just the same.

Breathe in, breathe out,
Move on and break down,
If everyone goes away i will stay.

We push and pull,
& I fall down sometimes,
I'm not letting go,
You hold the other line.

Cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes.

Hold on hold tight,
From out of your sight,
If everything keeps moving on, moving on,
Hold on hold tight,
Make it through another night,
& everyday there comes a song with the dawn,
We push and pull and I fall down sometimes,
I'm not letting go,
You hold the other line.

Cause there is a light, in your eyes, in your eyes.
There is a light, in your eyes, in your eyes.

Breathe in, and breathe out.
Breathe in, and breathe out.

Look left look right,
To the moon in the night.
& everything under the stars is in your arms.

Cause there is a light, in your eyes in your eyes.
There is a light, in your eyes, in your eyes.

I'M COMING HOME...

2012-03-09T02:07:00.001+05:30

I’m coming home
I’m coming home
Tell the World I’m coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes
I’m coming home, I’m coming home
Tell the World that I’m coming.. home.

2012-03-01T22:37:00.002+05:30

करत करत अभ्यास के, जड़मति होत सुजान
रसरी आवत जात ते, सिल पर परत निसान

translation:

with honest efforts, persistence and hard work, the biggest of fools and the most simple headed of persons can become intelligent,

just as by repeatedly passing to and fro over a stone, even a rope leaves an indelible mark on the stone.

Kashmir

2012-02-27T00:59:00.002+05:30

Oh let the sun beat down upon my face, stars to fill my dream
I am a traveler of both time and space, to be where I have been
To sit with elders of the gentle race, this world has seldom seen
They talk of days for which they sit and wait and all will be revealed

Talk and song from tongues of lilting grace, whose sounds caress my ear
But not a word I heard could I relate, the story was quite clear
Oh, oh.

Oh, I been flying... mama, there aint no denyin
Ive been flying, aint no denyin, no denyin

All I see turns to brown, as the sun burns the ground
And my eyes fill with sand, as I scan this wasted land
Trying to find, trying to find where Ive been.

Oh, pilot of the storm who leaves no trace, like thoughts inside a dream
Heed the path that led me to that place, yellow desert stream
My shangri-la beneath the summer moon, I will return again
Sure as the dust that floats high and true, when movin through kashmir.

Oh, father of the four winds, fill my sails, across the sea of years
With no provision but an open face, along the straits of fear
Ohh.

When Im on, when Im on my way, yeah
When I see, when I see the way, you stay-yeah

Ooh, yeah-yeah, ooh, yeah-yeah, when Im down...
Ooh, yeah-yeah, ooh, yeah-yeah, well Im down, so down
Ooh, my baby, ooooh, my baby, let me take you there

Let me take you there. let me take you there

-- Led Zeppelin

2012-02-26T13:34:00.001+05:30

11 AM- upbeat and rearing to go.
1.30 PM- want to shoot half the world. strangle the rest.

SUFFOCATED! ANNOYED! HYPER! HORMONAL! TICKED OFF PISSED OFF CHEESED OFF!
i need to breathe... i need to breathe in some fresh air. i want to feel whole. not as fragmented and fragile as i feel right now. but i DON'T KNOW what to do about it! except cry in anguish, shout at people, and throw things around.

i think i'll go and take a cold shower. that should clear my head, even if it makes my teeth chatter. :|

"I take refuge in (devote or submit myself to) the Wonderful Law of the Lotus Flower Sutra"

2012-02-25T14:19:00.002+05:30

[ THAT… is a general, universally acceptedinterpretation of the Daimoku, which goes something like, Nam Myōhō Renge Kyō.

This is an experience which Apurva sharedwith me, in the hope that it might motivate me and help me fight MY demons, givingthings my best shot. I love you, you wonderful amazing woman! With a hundredthings going on around you, you still manage to find time to gather motivationfor me.. :)

And well, i would like to share with whosoever wishes to read it and know about it.. :) ]

I am Vandana Gauria, and was introduced toNichiren Diashonin’s Buddhism 4 yrs ago.

My father passed away in 2007 and thefamily was left to fend for itself both financially as well as mentally. Therewere frequent fights at home and the environment was gloomy. My father was a CAand left behind an office to be taken care of by us. At the age of 19, I wasdealing with clients more than double my age and solving their financialissues. Besides, I was a CA student myself and had just cleared the entrance exam.My work occupied most of my time and it had always been a struggle to studywhile taking care of the office. I took to this philosophy as a fish takes towater. On hearing members experiences, I realized that if I wanted a change within the family, then I had totake action. Thereon I have been actively participating in the Gakkaiactivities and chanting Daimoku with firm faith in the Gohonzon.

I have received numerous benefits duringthe course of the last 4 yrs in the form of a happy and joyful family, clearingmy CA Inter exams in the first attempt with good marks, shifting to our ownhouse, winning the trust & respect of people around me, work that I enjoydoing among the other benefits that I receive in my daily life, including bothconspicuous as well as inconspicuous benefits. Being human, issues keepcropping both in my personal as well as professional life as they did earlier, however my perspective of viewingand handling them has changed. In such times I challenge to maintain a high life conditionand pray to polish my own inner life. The practice has taught me to look for causes withinto be able to understand the environment better and undertake my humanrevolution to be able to resolve the situation. The benefit of thepractice reflects in my personality and nature as well.

In July last year, I appeared for theCHARTERED ACCOUNTANTS Final exams and got through one group. Disheartened withthe fact that I could not clear both the groups, I could not savour the joy ofthe victory that I had just achieved. Eventually, after taking guidance Irealised that my result had been a benefit of my practice as despite one of mypapers not going too well, I had managed to clear it.

I expressed my deep gratitude towards thegohonzon and determined to bring glory to my parents and my mentor by passingthe next set of exams with good marks and become a CHARTERED ACCOUNTANT .

After wasting a month by virtually notstudying anything, I was left with three months to study four subjects.Meanwhile, we had 3 due dates in the office to take care of and there wereother work commitments. The entire 3 months were marked by immense workpressure and late nights at the office leaving little time to study. One monthbefore the exam, there were many days when I could not even open the books. Senseisaid “Study hard to surpriseyourself”. It was time for me to implement this guidance in the form of exerting myself to the maximum extent and bring out myinherent potential. All thiswhile, I based myself on chanting Nam Myoho renge kyo and kept reminding myself of my determination. Beinga practioner of nichiren daishonin’s buddhism, I could not give up and I had toshow actual proof of my practice. Not ready to surrender to anything, I finally took an off from my work 10 days before the exam and I was still left with 2 subjects to complete.As the gosho says “you hadbetter cut short your sleep by night and curtail your leisure by day, andponder this! You must not spend your lives in vain and regret it for tenthousand years to come.” Basingmyself on these lines, I prayed to be able to stretch my day. During these 10days I was coordinating work during the first half of the day over the phone aswell as studying hard till late in the mornings. I chanted to be able to studywith the buddhas wisdom and to grasp, remember and recall everything that Istudied. Mystically, I managed not just to complete the syllabus but alsothoroughly revise the course as well.

Usually, the course of certain subjectsundergoes changes in every exam that is held in may. However, this time therewere a number of changes in one of the subjects in the November exam as wellwhich we had not known about. The protective power of our daimoku came forth when mysister’s friend informed her about the changes and both of us were thusprotected from an exam going haywire due to this.

I am happy to report that I managed to manifestcourage and not get nervous before any paper. My prayers were answered when Iwas able to recall everything that I had studied during the last few days andvery joyfully gave all the exams.

With deep gratitude towards the gohonzon, Iwould like to report that both me and my sister have passed the exam withflying colours and have become CHARTERED ACCOUNTANTS. Our family and office hadbeen waiting for one CA since the last 4years, and today they have two. The happiness around is unbound. Ikeda senseisays “ Daimoku has boundless power. It is the source of all victory. Abrilliant and indestructible triumph begins with Daimoku.”

Throughout the period of practice and thelast three months particularly, I was able to manifest a high life condition andmanifest my buddha nature in the form of courage and perseverance through thepower of daimoku.

Today, I determine to excel in my professionas a CA and earn trust and respect from society and expand my network offriends. I further determine to strenghthen my faith, practice and study andwork for the happiness of people in my environment.

2012-02-24T07:26:00.002+05:30

take me away...
a secret place...
a sweet escape..
take me awayyyy..

so tired. feeling worthless. need a change. need to do something. something thats empowering. something to throw right back in their faces.

NOT AT ALL A CHEESY POST ;)

2012-02-19T20:55:00.000+05:30

Dear B

WHY, and HOW, are you so sensible and right, always? How is it that you have a solution to everything under the sun, and function under crisis as if the damned thing was planned to the last milestone? I am not USED to having such people around me, you see, the ones who have their head screwed on right and who are as balanced as you are! You are so much more concerned about my targets and my goals than i am, which is amazing and nice, but just a bit of a black spot on my otherwise spotless conscience, you see. Kindly share as to what you eat and drink, to keep it that way.

You get along with everyone, connect with all my friends at an individual, personal level and find something to talk about with everyone! And my sister, my own flesh and blood, prefers you over me! And not just her, HER FRIENDS as well! How weird is that? The Secret, please?

And while we are at it, could you also explain as to how you manage to be the most awesomely romantic guy on this planet without being sickly mushy? Your surprises, how i love them. How can you be the corporate slave that you are, and still manage them? You take the bar higher everytime i try to compete. Again, NOT good for my ego! :|

Oh, and how can i not mention your patience! I have done anything and everything i could think of under this sun, to test it and annoy you. But alas, i never do succeed. You are well aware of how i lack on that particular front, and HOW short tempered and impatient i am, right? So would you mind sharing a tip or two?

And, most importantly, would you kindly explain to me as to why does it seem like you have always been a part of my life and everything around me, when we started dating not 2 months back, and i was virtually unaware of your existence till 6 months before that?

Looking forward to a detailed reply,

Yours
G

PEOPLE ARE STRANGE...

2012-02-16T06:41:00.000+05:30

something is really puzzling me. something is amiss. a certain someone insists on telling me something, going in excruciating details, whereas others simply say things to negate those very details. it's funny. i wonder whose version is true. and what's the need to lie anyway?! :|

YESTERDAY, TODAY AND TOMORROW..

2012-02-12T20:36:00.000+05:30

“If you failed yesterday, strive to win today. If you were defeated today, strive to win tomorrow.”

this wonderful lady has been kind enough to share her experiences with me, the tough times she has gone through in the last few years, and how she overcame them. Her troubles somehow seem to be very similar to what i am going through right now, what a lot of my friends are going through right now, even if they might not be as vocal about it as i am. She feels that sharing them with me will help me draw inspiration from her and help me fight my own devils.

“Misfortune will change into fortune. Muster your faith and pray to this gohonzon. Then what is there that cannot be achieved.”

Now i do not practice Buddhism, neither this particular sect nor any other sect. But i do believe that putting your trust in a higher power, trusting something out there with infinite faith helps you get through your tough times. Some might roll their eyes at this. Maybe they are those rare brilliant examples of our race who have never been low on self confidence or somehow never doubted themselves or their motives. I have, quite often, and i am not ashamed to admit it. But i have also resolutely climbed out of those hellholes, on my own, BECAUSE of my belief that all is never lost, that there IS someone out there somewhere looking out for me. My faith has been shaken often, i have questioned it often, have come very close to losing it on a few occasions, the last one being very recently infact. The point is, most of us occasionally need something to hold onto, believe in when nothing else seems to be going right. And that, i think, is what she is trying to explain to me. Someone summed it up for me from somewhere a couple of months back... it's all about the eternal combination.. 1 quart faith and 3 quarts hard work.

Work, unwavering, diligent, honest hard work is the only way out.. complete focus and a willingness to fight the devils (metaphorically ofcourse!) is the only thing that can get you through...

OF MIDNIGHT CONVERSATIONS..

2012-02-09T02:29:00.001+05:30

It'a 2.04 A.M. right now... i am holding my phone against my ear, and i can hear your slow, even breathing. Yes, you have fallen asleep while talking to me, covering the distance of 7% within a span of 30 seconds...

I know, i know, i should probably disconnect the call, but it's just such a nice feeling to hear you sleep so contently. You sleep like a baby, oblivious to the world, except for the one that you enter in your slumber.. :)

I even tried slow talking to you, whispering in your ears a couple of time, trying to verify if you had fallen into a deep sleep, or simply dozed off (ah well.. what can i say, an accountant's habit? :) ), but you're fast asleep.

I should probably feel guilty for keeping you up this late after a grueling day at work... but then again, you did insist you wanted to fall asleep talking to me... kind of flattering, to be honest, hehe.

Sleep well, you. :)

ANOTHER RAMBLE... ;)

2012-02-08T21:51:00.002+05:30

There is a lot of shit happening in my life at the moment. I don't have a minute to give to myself. Something or the other keeps going wrong. As always, there's some confusion or the other around me. There are days when i can't stop cribbing about the unfairness of this and that, of how annoying he is, or what a pain she is.

But if you were to ask me if i would do things any differently from the way i have chosen to do them, if i would want to change anything, my answer would be a negative. I like where i am right now.. By no means does it mean that i am satisfied with how things are, and am content with my lot. No. It simply means, the small things amiss here and there do not take away from the sense of looking forward.

Till a few days back, everything seemed so dark and bleak. But now, in my weird typical way, i have decided to deal with it. And by deal with it, i mean not paying special attention to these ups and downs, by simply facing things one at a time, as they come up, instead of sitting and crying about them. Ofcourse i crib, all the bloody time, but then again, that's a part of the game, isn't it? Doesn't mean i am going to go and hide for eternity, no sir! And well, a lot of credit for all this goes to the amazing people around me... my dear baby sister who annoys the crap out of me most of the time but is always ALWAYS there, Alokick (that immensely patient man.. God bless you! lol), Reeeeeshu (you lanky typical boy uncle, you baniya businessman, you!), E (the lady with all the solutions), Geeko (even your name says you're an ass at most times :P ), Kuki (that slightly off her rocker but adorable to death woman, who chants for clarity of my mind and has the most incredible spiritual-mature-nutcase balance lol)....... whenever i feel blue, these people ensure that even if my shoulders might momentarily droop, my chin stays up and the smile doesn't disappear for too long. Sigh. Where would i be without you people.

PS - it's just another random ramble, and probably won't make much sense. But i just felt like typing all this. And well, my space and all that, you know! ;)

JUST SAYIN'

2012-02-05T12:27:00.000+05:30

It's a warm pleasant Sunday afternoon. A perfect early February day. The whole clan is assembling at the farmhouse in Chhatarpur for a theme party and lunch..

... AND I AM HERE, HOME, WRITING THIS LAME POST. But then, did i mention, i've got FEMA and Holding Companies to keep me company. Joy.
Oh well...

IT'S THE WAY YOU MAKE ME SMILE...

2012-02-04T00:17:00.001+05:30

There are so many things i could say. But i won't. For the simple reason that i don't want to share any of it with anyone. (Yes... a lesson learnt the past few days, albeit a little late! :P )

But i WILL say one thing.. you are the best thing to have happened to me in the longest time. They don't make them like you anymore. I think i just got lucky. And am i glad i did! :)

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE ONE ABOVE

2012-02-01T08:30:00.002+05:30

Lord, give me the strength to persevere, to fight this sense of desolation that engulfs me with the crack of dawn every morning that i open my eyes. To not give up when all i want to do is hang in my boots and walk away. To keep away the distractions from my now fragile mind. To keep my trust and confidence in myself when everything and everyone around me points to the contrary. To ignore the negatives for a while and concentrate my energies only on the positive forces around me. To fight the demons that mock me at every turn. To overcome my fears of failure.

And in the midst of it all, help me keep my eyes open to the little things of beauty around me, to appreciate the good and respect the laws of nature. To turn the hopelessness that i feel into a sense of anticipation of facing a challenge head on. And to keep at it till i win. To keep my trust in those i trust, and not let petty things affect it or shake it, to feel the confidence in the good cheer that the positive souls around me try and spread around me.

Help me not turn my back on life and keep my chin up. I know i try to do that, but help me try harder... .

Amen.

'HER' AND 'HERS'...

2012-02-01T02:06:00.001+05:30

"How could you?! how could you do and say what you did? One day they get angry at you, once they say a few things to you... and you throw dirt on everything they've worked for all these years, throw muck on their life's work?! aren't you feeling ashamed of yourself? doesn't something inside you, torment you?
They have given this their entire life... this IS their life. the fruit of their labor, their hard work, their EVERYTHING! and all it took was one bout of anger to throw cold water on all of it. imagine the pain and the trauma your words must have caused. is it any wonder that you are being treated the way you are? is it unfair? you have disappointed me... and disappointed them. so much... so much they've done. and so much you forgot all about. in that one moment of anger. you lousy ungrateful bitch!"

ENTRY #3 FOR THE DAY...

2012-01-28T22:49:00.000+05:30

I might be no expert, but i have always believed that where literature is concerned, i am no ignorant fool. I am an avid reader and love prose. I know my Dickens from Twain, Dostoevsky from Tolstoy, Amitav Ghosh from Hari Kunzru and so on.

However, where poetry is concerned, my knowledge is extremely lacking. It's not like i can't appreciate poetry or the delicacy and subtlety of this form of literature from the more direct force which characterizes most of prose. It's just something i have never really paid much attention to. For some reason, i have always dismissed it as something for the more serious readers, and the academicians.

It is a notion i've always had since my middle school days. Prose meant something straight and direct, something more absorbing, something which spun a web of wonder around me, made me travel from one era or one place to another.

Poetry on the other hand, was something which always seemed more difficult to understand, something which first needed to be interpreted, and then enjoyed. Atleast at that age, and in that time.

As a result of all that, i never really did pay much attention to it.

However, now i wish i hadn't been so dismissive of it. Because the more poetry i read, the more wonderful it seems to me. And the more my earlier notion annoys me. I regret not having read more.

Hence, i have decided, i am going to read atleast one poem everyday. I am going to pick a particular poet, and read as much of his/her works as i can lay my hands on. And well, the first poet(ess) i have decided to pick, is Maya Angelou, mainly because i have read some of her works, and one of her poems, I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings, has always been a particular favorite.

Suggestions are welcome! :)

JUST ANOTHER RANDOM RAMBLE...

2012-01-28T21:35:00.000+05:30

A random status message on facebook says,

"You can never make the same mistake twice ,because the second time you make it,it's not a mistake,it's a choice."

Usually, i pass this kind of preachy advise without a second glance. But well, this time the person seems to make just a little bit of sense. I guess it might have had something to do with the fact that the above quote is eerily applicable in my case. Having fallen in the same ditch repeatedly, and making a pattern of it does qualify i believe, nay?

ah well. so that's that.

YOU DEVIL, YOU!

2012-01-28T15:13:00.003+05:30

oh no oh no oh no... the devil is creeping in once again! that monster with a trident and red horns? yes, he is upto some mischief!
he's making me feel restless once again.. giving me this itch to simply get up and get out and do something drastic, prodding me with that infernal three edged needle.. something fun, something exciting, something excruciatingly exhilarating, something, drastic, something dramatic, something adventurous, something different from the mundane and ordinary... something which is a mix of all of these and bound to play havoc with my mind, that stupid part of me which i am trying so hard to tame!
i am trying to convince him, telling him, "listen, it's because of you i've flunked once again, and i can't afford to serve you this time!" but apparently, i am not being too convincing!
he simply sits there, grinning that mischievous 'do-what-you-will-you-know-it's-me-who'll-win' grin.
he has even manipulated the weather god! it's so bright and sunny, warm and brilliant!

DEAR LORD! SAVE THY CHILD!

LIFE AIN'T ALL HAA HAA HEE HEE

2012-01-24T23:27:00.001+05:30

she said i feel stranded

and i can't tell anymore

if i'm coming or i'm going

it's not how i planned it

i got a key to the door

but it just won't open

i know i know i know

part of me says let it go

that life happens for a reason

i don't i don't i don't

because it never worked before

but this time

this time

i'm gonna try anything to just feel better

tell me what to do

you know i can't see through the haze around me

and i'd do anything to just feel better

i can't find my way

god i need a change

and i'd do anything to just feel better

any little thing to just feel better

she said i need you to hold me

i'm a little far from the shore

and i'm afraid of sinking

you're the only one who knows me

and who doesn't ignore that my soul is weeping

tell me what to do

you know i can't see through the haze around me

and i'd do anything to just feel better

i can't find my way
god i need a change

and i'd do anything to just feel better

any little thing to just feel better

i'm tired of holding on

to all the things i leave behind

it's really getting old yeah

i think i need a little help this time
i'm gonna try anything to just feel better..

Life can be surprizing.. unexpected, harsh, cruel, unfair, yet inspiring.

Under most circumstances, we turn towards our perceived strengths, looking towards them for inspiration, motivation and belief, hoping that they would get us through when all else and everything else fails.

But then, there are those occasions, rare as they might be, when it's the failure of that source of inspiration, that spurs you on.
When something that you've counted on, turns against you, the sheer intensity of the pain that it causes, shocks you into action.

When something that you always thought and hoped would HELP you prove a point, becomes the thing you need to prove a point to..
____________________

i read this somewhere..

"May you have the mindless/fulness to mute the judgments around you and tune-into your awesomeness and be in YOUR element".

I WON'T GIVE UP...

2012-01-23T21:17:00.000+05:30

..I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily

I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

..'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up..

ME AND MURPHY... AGAIN!

2012-01-19T09:07:00.001+05:30

So the D-Day came and went... and brought nothing new to offer to me. Except probably, just another lesson in perseverance. The worst bit? Finding it out in the presence of 50-60 odd people, AFTER an announcement in the newspaper. what's with the Institute and suddenly media frenzy anyway?!

Ah well.. we shall come to that bridge soon enough. Not as if i am getting away from it anytime soon! Anyway..
the wedding is done with. Quite wonderful last 3 days, except for that dark spot yesterday.
And now... it's close to the time for our Act! And i need to get everything in order to ensure everything falls in place, or else, we are gonna be NOWHERE! Plus, you can't really build up expectations all around, and then do nothing about it. Just not cool man, just not cool. Heh.

Moreover, it helps keep me busy and distracted. He (i.e. the one above) doesn't give me much to thank Him for these days, but... THANK GOD FOR SMALL MERCIES!

THE ROAD NOT TAKEN

2012-01-13T12:00:00.000+05:30

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

- Robert Frost

WHAT'S UP, K ?!

2012-01-10T09:14:00.002+05:30

The dawn is breaking

A light shining through

You're barely waking

And I'm tangled up in you

Yeah..

there are about a hundred reasons for me to be writing a blogpost... but but BUT... i FINALLY have a new journal, which obviously gets priority! i had, i think for MONTHS now, been going on and on about how i needed one. i think i pretty much chewed people's ears off, going on about it. hahaha! a funny thing though- i hadn't written anything in it till last night. ah well.. that is taken care of.

Anyway, a quick update on what keeps me busy these days-

my parents' 25th Anniversary preparations which include a lot of planning on my behalf, trying to devise every possible way of making a fool of myself in front of everyone, ESPECIALLY the ones i invite. -headdesk-
this stupid annoying client, which seems never ending, the work being so scattered, manually maintained records, absent supervisors, absent entry passes, absent escorts, absent cars and wottnottt!
now, if i am talking of work, how can i NOT mention my delightful coworker. she's a right ray of sunshine, that one! i can't stop talking about her! ask A, D and E! -heh heh heh-
this never ending cough. it's my winter mistress. doesn't let go of me through the season. it does go a little dormant once in a while, but never EVER leaves me be!
this, though occupies my mind every waking (and sleeping!) moment, it's something i like to talk about the least. the word in question starts with 'R' and ends with a 'T'. the intelligent ones won't take too long to figure, am guessing!
and ofcourse, some random thoughts which keep occupying my mind off and on, which make me wanna go back under the blanket and never come out. lol

so yeah, my little list, a sort of answer to the title question!

PS- i might have got my journal, but we are STILL going journal shopping! now that i have started, mine won't last too long anyway... ;)

2012-01-06T09:18:00.001+05:30

Toohey asks, "What do you think of me?"

Roark answers, "I don't think of you." ("What about you?")

And they continue on their separate ways, never meeting again.
(The Fountainhead)
__________

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life...

HOW TO SAVE A LIFE

2012-01-05T16:46:00.000+05:30

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

YEH MERA DEEWANAPAN HAI

2012-01-05T01:24:00.000+05:30

the music, the lyrics... the VOICE.. simply amazing.

The Lyrics
Dil Se Tujhko Bedili Hai
Mujhko Hai Dil Ka Guroor
Tu Yeh Maane Ke Ya Na Maane
Log Maanenge Zaroor

Yeh Mera Deewanapan Hai
Ya Mohabbat Ka Suroor
Tu Na Pehchaane To Hai Yeh
Teri Nazron Ka Kusoor
Yeh Mera Deewanapan …

Dil Ko Teri Hi Tamanna
Dil Ko Hai Tujhse Hi Pyar
Chaahe Tu Aaye Na Aaye
Hum Karenge Intezaar
Yeh Mera Deewanapan…

Aise Veerane Mein Ek Din
Ghut Ke Mar Jayenge Hum
Jitna Ji Chaahe Pukaro
Phir Nahin Aayenge Hum
Yeh Mera Deewanapan…

BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT..

2012-01-02T15:18:00.003+05:30

Hold on hold tight,
From out of your sight,
If everything keeps moving on, moving on,
Hold on hold tight,
Make it through another night,
& everyday there comes a song with the dawn,
We push and pull and I fall down sometimes,
I'm not letting go,
You hold the other line.

Cause there is a light, in your eyes, in your eyes.
There is a light, in your eyes, in your eyes.

EDGE OF THE OCEAN

2012-01-02T00:30:00.000+05:30

There's a place I dream about
Where the sun never goes out.
And the sky is deep and blue.
Won't you take me there with you.

Ohhh, we can begin again.
Shed our skin, let the sun shine in.
At the edge of the ocean
We can start over again.

There's a world I've always known
Somewhere far away from home.
When I close my eyes I see
All the space and mystery.

Ohhh, we can begin again.
Shed our skin, let the sun shine in.
At the edge of the ocean
We can start over again.

...AND IT'S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR AGAIN! :)

2011-12-27T14:28:00.001+05:30

a year that started on a horrible note... the first of january.. the date is etched in my memory forever. felt as if the things ending on a horrible note that would govern the rest of the year..
and maybe it did, but not everything... :)

the year in which i failed, and failed again, when i disappointed myself, disappointed so many others..
the year in which i hit the bottom of that U again, and painfully crawled my way out of, all the time feeling how it would be infinitely easier to simply rot there..
the year where i lost all belief- in myself, in Him, in everything. when the words 'motivation', 'willpower', 'trust' and 'strength' went out of my vocabulary..
the year in which people who were closest to me hurt me, changed me and transformed me forever, a period during which i believed we could never be the same again.

...the year in which i fought my demons, by myself, time and again..
the year i learnt how to forgive, how to let slights pass, how not to let one off things affect my relationships.
the year in which i realized how much emotionally stronger and self dependent i was than most..
the year when i came across so many new and wonderful people, found how unlike yet alike we were..
the year my trust and faith in Him were shaken, then reaffirmed..
the year when, in spite of mental exhaustion, burnout, lack of motivation, i didn't give up..
the year i met someone wonderful, and realized it's okay to trust and depend on someone occasionally.

A year in which i both lost and found myself..

i can't believe it's already coming to an end. so much has happened in these 12 months, yet it feels like just a few days.
it's been good and bad... wonderful and not quite. met some people, lost some people. certain new equations were built, and some old ones lost their sheen. but hopefully the new ones will be able to evolve and stand the test of time and uncertainty.. and old ones won't be lost forever. hopefully soon enough, it will be possible to put the complications and anger aside, and start over on a clean slate.

as for the new year that swiftly approaches, the feelings are quite nicely captured in these lines by Christina Rossetti..

New Year coming on apace
What have you to give me?
Bring you scathe, or bring you grace,
Face me with an honest face;
You shall not deceive me:
Be it good or ill, be it what you will,
It needs shall help me on my road,
My rugged way to heaven, please God.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, WORLD! hope it brings you good cheer, good luck and everything that you hope for and work towards.

2011-12-26T21:59:00.001+05:30

'Cause I've had the time of my life
Yes I swear it's the truth
and I owe it all to you.. :)

TRAAAAAAA LA LA

2011-12-21T15:35:00.002+05:30

something has changed.
can't quite figure where.
can't quite figure how.
can't put a finger on it.
but it's somewhere inside me.
i guess it is about what D said.
only after that first bite you know what you were missing.
and well, i am HAPPY!
if i could write poetry, if it came as naturally to me as prose,
i would fill pages in expressing myself.

heh. heh heh.

...

2011-12-21T02:22:00.004+05:30

ये रौशनी के साथ क्यूं
धुआं उठा चिराग से
ये रौशनी के साथ क्यूं
धुआं उठा चिराग से
ये ख्वाब देखती हूँ मैं
कि जग पड़ी हूँ ख्वाब से?

(Why does the wisp of smoke

dull the glow from the lamp
Is this all a dream,

or have I awakened
from one?)

A CONVERSATION BETWEEN MISS K AND HER C- 3

2011-12-19T13:15:00.000+05:30

Hold not your anger within you, for not only does it spoil the memory of that which is precious to you and inside you and yours to cherish; it also poisons the future. It spoils that which is yet to come, embitters and affects the sweetest of dispositions, leaving behind nought but a shadow of that which was once unique.

The memories are yours, the pain is yours. Let the memories bring a smile on those lips when a frown clouds that bow; let the pain make you stronger and prepare you for that which is yet to come.

You are but a projection of all that resides within, whether good or bad. That which lives in there, in the depths of your being, warms the blood that flows in your veins. That blood warms the mind and the thoughts that it shields. The mind warms the brain that thinks, hence brightening all that you believe and all that you are.

Trust. Believe. Love. Give. Forgive. Feel. Emote.
Show.
Cherish.
And once your work is done, once there is nothing left to look forward to, move on.
Leave the regrets behind. Leave the pain of parting behind. Think of what is to come. So many more to meet, so much more to see.
The world, this universe, its mysteries.. They're unfathomable. There's so much to see! So much to feel! The tangible..the intangible.

Your dreams,when you dreamt them, were bigger, brighter. Never put reigns on them, not for anything, not for anyone. Even when they seem difficult to attain. The more difficult they are, the more determined you ought to be.

Don't hold back. Don't hold it in. Let the imagination soar to the hitherto undiscovered heights. Once their, open your eyes. Get on your feet and get going. To start working to make those dreams happen..

2011-12-12T21:30:00.002+05:30

9 PM
never count your chickens before they hatch... similarly, never count your joys before the day ends. you never know when you might jinx it. especially if you and Murphy share a special bond, something on the lines of yours truly...

10.35 PM
it also greatly depends on how you deal with it. a simple apology can make a world of a difference, and make you feel all warm and better inside. of course, all the remaining effects can be overcome with a fifteen minute conversation with a friend who's standing in the cold, outside his own house, trying to make you feel better.. :)

MY HAPPY PLACE!

2011-12-11T20:49:00.001+05:30

i am exceptionally happy right now. i think it might have something to do with having the eleven hour sleep i had last night (!!!!!), or maybe the fact that the weekend has been great almost brilliant, or maybe the fact that i finally implemented my decision to get under a blanket and do absolutely nothing except read my LOTR, or maybe the fact that the chocolate walnut cake i have just baked has come out fantastic (even if the icing is PRETTY screwed up), or maybe simply the fact that i am surrounded by some really amazing people, and getting to know more and more of those...

whatever it is, i am in a good place right now. my happy place. and yes, very comfortable and settled for the moment. :)

Verse of The Rings

2011-12-06T09:20:00.001+05:30

Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,

Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,

Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,

One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne

In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.

One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,

One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.

...

2011-12-06T02:53:00.001+05:30

And my destination makes it worth the while
Pushing through the darkness still another mile
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
Ill cross the stream - I have a dream

I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything

I have a dream, a fantasy
To help me through reality

A LI'L BIT OF THIS, A LI'L BIT OF THAT...

2011-12-05T01:19:00.001+05:30

came face to face with a ghost tonight, a phantom that has haunted me for a while now.
it was like, seeing your nightmare right there, infront of you.
OR...
that's what i thought till i realized that,
it was nothing more than a mirage that i had somehow conjured, that went BUST!
it was something i had built up in my head for a long while.
something i had thought was too hard to deal with for me.
but then when i came across it, it was nothing.
the anticipation didn't live upto the actual performance.
it was nothing... it did nothing to me, no emotions whatsoever.
and it made me realize... i have moved on. much further than i ever thought.
things that once hit me hard, once affected me, don't really matter anymore.
people who mattered, they have become a part of the past.
it's like a memory, all of it..
a memory that i am trying to avoid as of now, because i don't want to deal with it.
but a memory nonetheless, which i HAVE relegated to the past.
yes i have, lock stock and barrel.
when i cared, it was with everything i had.
but the moment the tie was broken, everything fizzled out with that.
there is no baggage, no luggage, no cargo.
and it feels wonderful... it feels like i can breathe again.
i feel like i can rise up and stretch my hand once again,
that if i jump, i could probably touch the sun!
for anyone who doubted me when i did make the decision,
yes, i can handle it. yes, i have handled it. and yes, i bloody well can.
because i know what i am looking for, and i know how to reach out to it now.. :)

PS- NOBODY disrespects my mum dad and leaves unscathed. not even phantoms. they better remember this the next time.

2011-12-03T11:09:00.001+05:30

1) I am in a good GOOD mood!
2) i still think Twilight is one of most ridiculous bits of fantasy fiction, EVER. kill me. HA!

ok thanks. :)

MANN KE MANJEERE

2011-12-01T20:36:00.001+05:30

Was just listening to some old songs from the 90s... and Shubha Mudgal, as usual, stood out. That powerful beautiful voice, matched with those equally strong lyrics. This one is from a series of BreakThrough videos, which help spread awareness about various social issues.

PS- Meeta Vashisht is a brilliant actor in my opinion.

मन के मंजीरे आज खनकने लगे
भूले थे चलना, कदम थिरकने लगे
अंग अंग बाजे मृदुंग सा, सुर मेरे जागे
सांस सांस में बांस बांस में,
धुन कोई साजे
गाये रे, दिल ये गाने लगा है,
मुझको आने लगा है
खुद पे ही ऐतबार
खुद पे ही ऐतबार

बादल तक झूले मेरे पहुँचने लगे,
आँखों के आगे गगन सिमटने लगे,
डाल डाल पे, ताल ताल पे , छु के हवाएं
खेत खेत ने, रेत रेत ने, फैलादी बाहें
आये है, सिन्दूरी सुबाह आई,
घुलती जाए सियाही
रातों की रातों की

खोले जो दरवाज़े तो देखा हर शाई थी नयी
उजली उजली सी थी मेरी तन्हाई रे
बदली बदली सी बदली मेरे अंगना में थी छाई
वीरानी रानी बन के मेरे पास आई
अपनी नज़र से मैंने देखि दुनिया की रंगोली
मुझको बुलाने आई मौसम को टोली
खोली आँखों की खोली मैंने पायी अपनी बोली
मुझमे ही रहती थी मेरी हमजोली रे ..
सुन लो.. अब ना अकेली हूँ मैं,
अपनी सहेली हूँ मैं,
साथी हूँ अपनी मैं
साथी हूँ अपनी मैं

मन के मंजीरे आज खनकने लगे
भूले थे चलना, कदम थिरकने लगे
अंग अंग बाजे मृदुंग सा, सुर मेरे जागे
सांस सांस में बांस बांस में,
धुन कोई साजे
गए रे, दिल ये गाने लगा है,
मुझको आने लगा है
खुद पे ही ऐतबार
खुद पे ही ऐतबार

बादल तक झूले मेरे पहुँचने लगे,
आँखों के आगे गगन सिमटने लगे,
दाल दाल पे, ताल ताल दे, छु के हवाएं
खेत खेत ने, रेत रेत ने, फैलादी बाहें
आये है, सिन्दूरी सुबाह आई,
घुलती जाए सियाही
रातों की रातों की
रातों की रातों की

THIS IS WHY I LOWVE MY PEOPLE - 4

2011-11-28T20:41:00.001+05:30

K- E, you have no idea... yada yada yada... yada yada yada..

E- Dude. you ARE yellow bus special! WHY would you even THINK about something so useless when there's something special in store? i mean SERIOUSLY?
and... YOU HAVE NO IDEA. all this shit in your life is better than being bitten by a dog. trust me... (she recently got bitten by a dog, and got about 3 anti rabies injections in one go).
Kritika, you're the normal one here, believe me. your biggest problem is, you are surrounded by way too many abnormal ones.

hahahahahahaha! hahahahaha! i lowve you. :)

sometimes, it's when you are able to laugh at your problems, and look at the ridiculous side of them, you suddenly realize how lame you have been acting.
sometimes, it takes a friend ridiculing the whole situation and the people involved that helps you realize that the problem isn't as serious as you thought it was. it's when THEY laugh at it, help you look at the stupidity and immaturity of it all, when you realize how bizarre all of it is. helps you let go, like nothing else does. helps you feel whole again, realize that it's NOT you, not your fault.
small petty things, insignificant people... why in the world should they or anything else matter, even for a minute? who gives a flying fuck about them anyway?! you gotta keep things in perspective. sift and sort, sift and sort. when there are ten things going for you and one thing going against you, just forget the damned thing, and concentrate your energies where it matters, where they count.

sigh. and all it took, was a pack of cloves, hot coffee, a brilliant nippy evening, cold wind in my face, and some good company. cathartic, all of it.

PS- i am surrounded by some really amazing people. and it's at times like these that i realize this fact. :)

2011-11-28T11:42:00.001+05:30

funny how relationships become overlapping, how your relationship with someone is affected to such a marked extent by someone else's equation with them. how they themselves realize it to a degree, and know how it might be thus affected... and how, correspondingly, their behaviour towards you changes or varies.

also, funnier still is how you sooner than later realize where you stand in their lives, how, no matter what you do, and no matter how they might be disgusted with someone or something that they complain to you about, they might still be more important.

funniest of them all? how the smallest of things can make you wonder if you ever really truly did mean anything at all..

ah well.. such is life, isn't it? you give some, you lose some. then again, you also learn some.. :)

2011-11-26T15:25:00.001+05:30

"Jacob, the world's run on tricks. EVERYONE PLAYS. but it's having a true talent, a gift born within, something no degree can give you.... (a toast) To TALENT AND DELUSION!"

The Way I Feel

2011-11-26T12:37:00.001+05:30

I feel like I’m floating through existence
I feel like I’m living after time
I feel like I’m forced to break the silence
Is that a crime? Is that a crime?
I feel like we’re all following shadows
And shadows they don’t know where to go
I feel like I’m waiting for tomorrow
While today wastes away

It’s not that I don’t know
It’s not that I can’t see
It’s not that I haven’t noticed
It’s driving me insane
It’s not that I don’t know
It’s not that I can’t see
It’s just the way I feel
It’s just the way I feel

I feel like a child without a father
And mama tries oh lord knows mama tries
I feel like the world is on my shoulder
I wonder why, wonder why
I feel like I’m not the only one who’s frustrated
I feel like something’s going wrong
I can’t escape it
I feel like the destinies of those meant
To be the best
Are in the hands of liars now the world is on fire

I feel like we’re not angry enough
That while we wait, time’s ticking away
I feel there’s gonna be an explosion!

It’s not that I don’t know
It’s not that I can’t see
It’s not that I haven’t noticed
It’s driving me insane
It’s not that I don’t know
It’s not that I can’t see
It’s just the way I feel
It’s just the way I feel

2011-11-25T20:11:00.001+05:30

this one is for someone who took away my moroseness today. THANK YOU! the surprise was really sweet, and well, so were the chocolates :)

you did pass on the happiness as you promised, and it stayed. just so you know, i am completely out of that phase now. and the two reasons for that happen to be the upcoming outstation audit, and your surprise.

PS- to kill the suspense, THIS POST was for you. too bad you didn't guess it. lol. took away half the fun. :)

BRING ME TO LIFE

2011-11-25T00:54:00.001+05:30

How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb
Without a soul, my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

Wake me up
Wake me up inside
I can't wake up
Wake me up inside
Save me
Call my name and save me from the dark

Wake me up
Bid my blood to run
I can't wake up
Before I come undone
Save me
Save me from the nothing I've become

Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life

Wake me up
Bid my blood to run
I can't wake up
Before I come undone
Save me
Save me from the nothing I've become

I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life

Without thought, without voice, without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life

I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life

YOU ARE THE AUTHOR AND THE HERO

2011-11-23T21:50:00.001+05:30

i have to stop looking for my story elsewhere.. i need to stop looking for it in the books i read, the movies i watch, the people i observe, the music that i listen to and the words that i hear.

they were not written about me, not made about me. the beautiful images that they spin, the pathos that accompany them, the pain, the tragedy, the joy and the satisfaction.. they are not mine.

the script of my life has NOT been written yet. it is still a work in progress. and it can NOT progress unless and until i work on it.

"...the individual writes and performs the script for his
or her own life. Neither chance nor a divine being writes the script for us.
We write it, and we are the actors who play it.
You are the author and the hero. To perform your play well, it is important to
pound the script into your head so thoroughly that you can see it vividly before
your eyes."

dreams are beautiful even when they are tragic. but at the end of the day, they ARE but dreams. they end soon as your eyes open. they leave you disoriented, if you forget to make a distinction between what's but a mirage, and what's the reality.
dream, believe, feel, imagine. let your imagination soar. test your boundaries with the power of your imagination.
then get off your ass and make it happen. it's YOUR life. YOU got to live it the way you see it, not simply see it happen to someone else and then look for satisfaction or sadistic pleasure in what enfolds in their's.

"the reason i keep bringing it up is because i don't ever want you to be disillusioned. i was a believer once too, but reality sunk in soon enough. but i don't want the same to happen with you. i don't want you to stop believing."
don't you worry... i won't be.

2011-11-19T23:29:00.001+05:30

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

CHORUS
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

CHORUS
I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong

FADE
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman

2011-11-19T17:45:00.001+05:30

..On my wall the colours of the maps are running
From Africa the winds they talk of changes coming
The torches flare up in the night
The hand that sets the farms alight
Has spread the word to those who're waiting on the border

In the village where I grew up
Nothing seems the same
Still you never see the change from day to day
And no one notices the customs slip away

Late last night the rain was knocking at my window
I moved across the darkened room and in the lampglow
I thought I saw down in the street
The spirit of the century
Telling us that we're all standing on the border

In the islands where I grew up
Nothing seems the same
It's just the patterns that remain
An empty shell
But there's a strangeness in the air you feel too well..

HOW COULD I HAVE NOT POSTED THIS?!

2011-11-17T21:48:00.001+05:30

THIS... this, is one of my oldest favorites. A brilliant BRILLIANT song by Ustad Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan. The lyrics, the music... everything. Unlikely as it is, it always has me up on my feet, dancing and throwing myself around. The energy, the spirit of the song.. it's contagious! LOWVE EET!

PIYA RE...
.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO CALL THIS...

2011-11-13T18:02:00.001+05:30

running and running... running so hard. yet, stopping right in the middle, waiting for you to catch up with me, before i start the race again... no one around, nothing else around. a gripping dread. but also an assurance somewhere deep inside. both equally justified.

sometimes it's an ocean, sometimes it's a dead road. but always the night. always me, alone. me alone, running. alone, yet not quite.
abstract, so abstract. i cant see my own face, i cant see your face.
i don't know if you are good, i don't know if you are bad. yet i am running from you. irrationally.
only because i don't know you. only because i don't understand you. only because i can't see you.
all i know is, you are there somewhere, right behind me, running after me.

what is it? why is it? years and years... yet the same dream. a dream? or a nightmare?
i don't even know.
feels like a nightmare sometimes. but then again, if thats what it really was,
why would i stop in my tracks, waiting for you to catch up?

and all it ends with, ever, is a cold sweat. and me sitting up in the bed, trying not be scared of the shadows, trying to convince myself that there is nobody there apart from me and mona... nobody is standing next to me, the presence i feel and fear, even in these known surroundings, is an unjustified irrational fear.

all i do, is wake mona up, hold her hand, and close my eyes, holding onto it, hoping i will fall asleep soon enough...

LET IT BE...

2011-11-10T19:37:00.001+05:30

the power of lyrics... the play of words... whether the color for the moment is blue, black, red, grey, green, white or yellow... there is always a bit of verse for everything..

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be. yeah
There will be an answer, let it be.

And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

LOOK WHAT I FOUND! :)

2011-11-09T14:19:00.000+05:30

The latest song we have up on the Top Tunez site... it's a wonderful cheerful melody that will have you nodding your head and tapping your feet with the music!

Check it out!

HEY JULIE
Working all day for a mean little man
With a clip-on tie and a rub-on tan
He's got me running 'round the office like a dog around a track
But when I get home,
You're always there to rub my back

Hey Julie,
Look what they're doing to me
Trying to trip me up
Trying to wear me down
Julie, I swear, it's so hard to bear it
And I'd never make it through without you around

Hours on the phone making pointless calls
I got a desk full of papers that means nothing at all
Sometimes I catch myself staring into space
Counting down the hours 'til I get to see your face

Hey Julie,
Look what they're doing to me
Trying to trip me up
Trying to wear me down
Julie, I swear, it's so hard to bear it
And I'd never make it through with out you around
No, I'd never make it through with out you around

[Bridge]
How did it come to be
That you and I must be
Far away from each other every day?
Why must I spend my time
Filling up my mind
With facts and figures that never add up anyway?
They never add up anyway

Working all day for a mean little guy
With a bad toupee and a soup-stained tie
He's got me running 'round the office
Like a gerbil on a wheel
He can tell me what to do
But he can't tell me what to feel

Hey Julie,
Look what they're doing to me
Trying to trip me up
Trying to wear me down
Julie, I swear, it's so hard to bear it
And I'd never make it through with out you around
No, I'd never make it through without you around
No, I'd never make it through with out you around

The Human Side

2011-11-09T12:56:00.000+05:30

"Our time is distinguished by wonderful achievements in the fields of scientific understanding and the technical application of those insights. Who would not be cheered by this? But let us not forget that human knowledge and skills alone cannot lead humanity to a happy and dignified life. Humanity has every reason to place the proclaimers of high moral standards and values above the discoverers of objective truth. What humanity owes to personalities like Buddha, Moses, and Jesus ranks for me higher than all the achievements of the enquiring and constructive mind.
What these blessed men have given us we must guard and try to keep alive with all our strength if humanity is not to lose its dignity, the security of its existence, and its joy in living."

EK WOH DIN BHI THE...

2011-11-07T11:56:00.001+05:30

कुछ लोग पीछे छूट जाते हैं
यादें वोह अपनी छोड़ जाते हैं
उन्ही यादों के बारे में सोचो
तो कुछ पुराने किस्से याद आ जाते हैं
उन पुराने किस्सों की थी अपनी कहानी
जो हमने लिखी थी अपनी ज़ुबानी
उन दिनों की बात कुछ और थी
जब ज़िन्दगी न सिर्फ एक दौड़ थी|

अपने से लोग, अपने से चेहरे
वोह सीधे से सुलझे से सपने
जब किसी मुखोटे पर न शक था
जब एक हसीं और आंसूं के बीच
सिर्फ एक मिनट का फरक था |

माना यह सब पुरानी बातें हैं
मगर कभी कभी ये याद आ जाती हैं
जब तुम अपने बारे में सोचते हो
जब तुम उन लोगों के बारे में सोचते हो
जो कभी तुम्हारे साथ हर पल थे
लेकिन आज कोई इधर कोई उधर है
उन चेहरों की कहानी है तो पुरानी
मगर लगती है अकेले पल में सुहानी|

वोह अपने से लोग, अपने से चेहरे
जो अब हो गए हैं थोड़े धुंधले |

LIFE'S A DREAM

2011-11-06T12:34:00.000+05:30

Miles till dawn
But it feels so dark till then
Drowns you out
But you can't be too certain

Common wants
Only fill me up with need
Everybody
In this world is just like me

So I row on

Sounds like fear
Thinking there might be a cure
Waste your life
But you don't know what it's worth

Comb your mind
For all the treasures of this earth
Too close to find
Anything outside yourself

So why row on
Life ain't nothing
But a dream
Realistic
As it seems

Destiny's vulgar
So I might as well resist
Out of the darkness
And all the secrets still exist

Finally decided
And by decide I mean accept
I don't need all those
Other chances I won't get

ANOTHER CHAPTER COMES TO AN END..

2011-11-06T11:00:00.002+05:30

Something inside her died that night,
When the blinds were removed from her eyes;
All alibis have run their course,
She was, but a temporary recourse.

Another chapter comes to an end,
Broken pieces to pick and mend;
Walls of dreaming, once again shattered,
But then, to who but her does it matter.

Another dawn, another morrow,
A chance new to forget the sorrow;
No longer shall the dreamers tarry,
As life beckons, they shall board the ferry.

2011-10-31T11:44:00.004+05:30

... It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishment the scroll,

i AM the master of my fate:

i AM the captain of my scroll.

The one up above has His own was of making you aware of your insignificance in this world. One minute you are cribbing about how difficult everything around you is, when something happens that shakes you, and how. One minute you are sitting there, thinking that the biggest problem in this world right now is how to prepare for your exam tomorrow, and not think of anything that screws with your head. The fact that you are somehow managing to do that fills you with pride, makes you smug regarding how wonderfully capable you are of dealing with the biggest of problems.

The next second, you are bombarded with the news of sudden death of someone you practically grew up around, someone who was there when you were born, a part of that wonderful extended family that you grew up with, someone who was present at every important occasion since you were born. He was a part of that circle which has been a family since day one, for all practical purposes, people you have laughed with, laughed at, whose kids are your friends, whose wives are your mother's friends.. one of your dad's closest friends. You have grown up listening to the stories of how the five of these friends did this together, did that together, what vagabonds they were, how they had each other's back through EVERYTHING.

It shakes you, especially since just the other day he had been over at your place, laughing with your dad, having a good time.

But even that doesn't have the same effect on you, as the sight and sound of your father. The man who has been your ideal always, who has been strong and positive through everything, your rock, the support of so many, not just his family... to see him affected. To see him grieve the loss of his friend. The one who, though older than him, always somehow brought out his protective side. To hear the catch in your dad's voice when he calls you from his friend's place, midday, to check on you, to see if you're doing ok... no words can express it. It twists your gut, changes your perception of the world, how you view it. THAT... can make you cry, even if the news of the death itself did not. Your heart goes out to him, everytime you think of how this very morning, before the news of the death, he was trying to cheer you up, making tea for you, how he got up early just to wake you up early... and how someone else's father will never be able to do any of this anymore. How Moushmi, Siddhart, Amrita, Supriya aunty will never be able to see their baba again, her husband again. How the 'Five' will never be the same again... Daddy, Raju uncle, Deepak uncle, Mukul Tauji, Sonu Uncle... the last one no more...

And all it took was a stupid drunk fuck who hit him, killed him and ran away. Fuck you, you hear me?! If there is any justice in this world, you won't one day of peace in your life from now on! Fuck you straight to hell! I hope you go through hell for every tear that is wept, everytime those poor kids realize their father is never coming back home, for everytime there is something for which the family needs Sonu Uncle.

May you find all the peace up there in heaven uncle, that ever eluded you here. And don't ever worry about the ones you left behind. They will always be taken care of.

JUM TAASH!

2011-10-26T15:41:00.003+05:30

This is the third year in a row that i have missed both, the Dusshera and Diwali celebrations. And it sucks. For a lot of people it might be something ordinary, almost old fashioned. But they weren't born in this 'great Mathur clan' (as somebody has started addressing it! :) )

Holi, Rakhi, Dusshera, Diwali... they are many of those numerous occasions on which the entire extended family comes together to celebrate the occasion. Ofcourse, these are but excuses for meeting up and the bonhomie, for which there are plenty of other chances THROUGHOUT the year, but when you are born in this family, and take it for granted, the loneliness that hits you when you're not a part of it.. it's palatable.

Diwali and Dusshera usually entail a lot of preparations. Like, about two weeks in advance, it's decided as to who will be playing the host. Then, the yummy food items, drinks, snacks etc are distributed.

On the D Day, once you get to the destination, you loaf around, sit on the white bedsheet with 'Saket wale babaji/ nana/ chacha*' (that's what we call the septuagenarian, my dad's uncle!), who teaches the kids of the family how to play cards and various card tricks, while waiting for everyone to turn up.

Once all the families are there, everyone sits together for the puja. The funniest part is the ''current'' bit, where everyone is supposed to connect with someone, who is connected to the person in front of them, who is..till you are connected to the direct source of connection with God. Gives everyone plenty of chances to poke, pinch or annoy each other!

Once puja is over, everyone sits down to have the mithai and paapris and pudina chutney and all other assorted things which different families prepare and get, which are graded by the elders of the family. (And no one gets higher than 6, unless ofcourse, their paapris are exceptionally crisp and yummy!)

Post this comes the card session, where a special white bed sheet is laid, drinks prepared and distributed, and everyone gets down to business. Ooh, and there are two groups of these as well.. one, where the stakes are quite low, and the other, where they are comparatively higher. Initiation of the wee ones into the game is a (pseudo!) formal way of bringing the kids out, much like the official introduction of the kids-who-are-now-all-grown-up to to alcohol! Yes, you got that right! People in our family actually introduce the wee ones to their first sip of alcohol, sometimes when they are as young as a year or so old! :) ( Ofcourse, it is but a sip of their dad's scotch or Ramesh babaji*'s beer mug at that age! But still.. could any family be cooler?! )

Around 4-4.30, everyone is reminded of the lunch, which as already mentioned, is a pot luck. Some of the typical Mathur dishes are matar ki tahiri (matar/pea pulao), kadhi chawal, mutton pulao, mutton koftas, chicken curry, roomali roti (the paper thin soft white roti), bakar khani, (the sweet brown bread that's made only in Old Delhi)... (sob! makes me wanna drop the pizza am having right now).

Again, the pseudo grading of the preparations and the leg pulling ensues. Oh boy, everyone in my family is fond of pulling each other's leg and making that occasional jibe!

Once the lunch is over, comes the second session of cards. This time, the ones who are in the red, try and buck up their game and even things out soon as they can.

Around 5.30, they usually deal the last game, post which is the "good luck" game, where in, open cards are dealt, 3 times, and in which everyone, including the tiny tots, has his cards dealt. Packing of the last deal signals the packing up of the game, which is followed by a mug of steaming hot tea, prepared in a HUUUUGE utensil. Everyone sits around for another hour or so, lazily sipping their tea and gossiping or making plans of the next party or occasion or discussing anything and everything which of common interest to most. Once done, everyone disperses to go back.

And this time, considering my parents' itinerary, i don't think they will be back anytime soon, which means i will be home all alone till then...

How i hate this! :'(

UNTITLED

2011-10-25T11:53:00.001+05:30

Hey, man I'm alive I'm takin' each day andnight at a time

I'm feelin' like a Monday but someday I'll be Saturday night...

Ever been in a situation where you realize that your weakestmoment is but a revelation of your true self? How, when you are at your worst,you suddenly realize what it takes to survive. And that survive you can, onyour own, without a shoulder, without any support.

Hell, at that point it doesn’t seem possible. It isn’t, notwhen months’ worth of frustration, anger, pressure, pent up emotions,uncertainty and whatever else suddenly burst out of you. They have you lying onthe floor, shouting, crying, broken. It feels like nothing can take away fromthat pain. You, in your last attempt, summon whatever little self control youcan, and call your best friend. But he, groggy from sleep, can’t understandyou, nor can he stand your incoherence and refusal to divulge the details andreasons. You cut the call, and finally let yourself go. In the house, allalone, aching for someone, anyone to be with, you let go. You tear a tee to pieces, with your bare hands, hoping that would help therage. You spend yourself, letting it all out.

Once you’re done, you sit up. Look around you. Try to gatheryourself. Tell yourself you are strong enough, can handle it. You go back towhat you were doing. You keep at it, urging yourself on, telling yourself youare more than capable to deal with it.

You feel better. A couple of hours later, you call anotherfriend, looking for a much needed diversion, but unable to talk to him aboutwhatever had happened. But he is angry with you.You’ve somehow unknowingly distressed him. You try and explain, but you are in nocondition to argue your point. He hangs up on you. You make one last effort,then you let it be.

Then comes the second breakdown for the day, something newfor you as well. But thankfully, your mother is home now. You can put your armsaround her and vent, simply cry for the next half hour. Surprisingly, sheunderstands the need for silence, and doesn’t plague you for reasons.

And you melt down, once again. Not as badly as before, butyou do.

Two hours down, you are sane again. You’ve decided to stopbeing such a wreck and to sort yourself, for the sake of your sanity more thananything else. And fight it you do. All by yourself, not letting anyone see, fora second, the storm raging in your head. It’s taken you 2-3 days, but slowly,you have come to terms with the reality- once again. What’s that? It’s simplereally...

When it really comes down to it, it’s just you. And that’senough.

AGONIES OF THE INTERWEB

2011-10-22T15:51:00.001+05:30

i am scared of the social media. and the fear, already of phobia proportions, is going to last a while i think. it evades your privacy, your mind space, can be used as a tool to either make or break something.. you name it, and it's possible. i don't like it. i detest it. suddenly. i just do.
hi5, orkut, facebook, blogger, twitter, linkedin, youtube.. hell, even y! messenger, gtalk, windows messenger... i've used everything.. EVERYTHING. i just feel like running away in the other direction when i think of it or hear about anymore. i guess it's just started ruling my life too much... not to mention the monotony that's set in. know that feeling when you looking at someone's wedding pictures, or farewell pics, people you haven't ever talked with while you were in college or school or wherever, and you have a million things to do, and like a moron, you sit and look at them and analyze their clothes. and god forbid you point them out to a friend on phone! there goes a good hour or two down the drain. ofcourse, the laughs and those gossip sessions are fun, but only while you talking. once done, hello guilty conscience! also, once you done, the whole "hmmm... what if someone else is sitting there, doing the exact same thing with MY pics and date?"... exactly. horrible feeling that.

YouTube! the boony bane of my existence! booney bane? well..that's when you get addicted to something, love it, every minute of it, but still know you should be as far away as possible from it!

not to mention what a voyeur it has made of all of us, me included. everything is out there, your every action, open to people's scrutiny, intrusion. either you go hide everything every second, or simply stop using it (rather difficult, considering 90% socializing happens online these days!), or just get used to it. that reality just hit home, a few days back, when someone i hadn't connected with for ages suddenly popped up in my gtalk window and started talking with me. to his usual queries of "whats up?", i was answering with the socially accepted "not much, you tell me.." when he is like.."come on! you got so much happening!" and "who is she? who is he? where is this pic from? what is this thing..." and so on. freaked me out. yes, it did.

enough to get me off this damned thing (ALL THESE THINGS!) for a while at least!

hmmm.. might seem a little contradictory to everyone, considering i am still typing here, was active on facebook not too long ago, and watched a coupla videos on youtube a few minutes back. but this is my last interaction for a while now. rest assured...

toodles! see you when i see you next!

__________________________________________

My Occurence

2011-10-21T17:09:00.001+05:30

"See, with Ben, it's either of the 2 things- either your instincts are right, or your brain is trying to protect you from something. I say you've got pretty good instincts. Trust them..."

Hmm...

HOLD ON HOPE- GUIDED BY VOICES
Every street is dark
And folding out mysteriously
Where lies the chance we take to be
Always working
Reaching out for a hand that we
can't see
Everybody's got a hold on hope
It's the last thing that's holding me
Invitation to the last dance
Then it's time to leave
But that's the price we pay
when we deceive
One another/animal mother
She opens up for free
Everybody's got a hold on hope
It's the last thing that's
holding me
Look at the talkbox in mute
frustration
At the station
There hides the cowboy
His campfire flickering
on the landscape
That nothing grows on
But time still goes on
And through each life of misery
Everybody's got a hold on hope
It's the last thing that's holding me

IF IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE THE END OF THE ROAD, IT ISN'T...

2011-10-18T12:17:00.003+05:30

ok... this is absolutely an unplanned post. as in, i had completely decided that i wouldn't be putting up anything more here till the time i was done with my exams. but then again, something got me here...

i was on my facebook page, just randomly going through the news feed on my home page, when i came across this image that someone had posted...

it said, focus on the red dot, and like the picture if the blue circle disappears. i usually pass things like these, but since Rishabh had liked this post, i decided to give it a go. and turns out that the blue circle actually disappears. now i dont wish to get into the scientific or psychological aspects of this.. but the reason this image had me writing this post was, it brought things back in perspective for me.

i haven't exactly been in the best of spirits recently. i hate talking about it because it gets everyone else around me all concerned and worried and they try and help me in any way they can, without realizing that they can't do anything about it unless i decide to help myself... anyway, so this pic reminded me of something i had written long back... and well, like i said, helped get things back in perspective..
this is the post i was talking about...

OF THE SUN AND THE CLOUDS...

FAR FROM HOME

2011-10-18T01:21:00.006+05:30

Another day in this carnival of souls
Another night's sands end as quickly as it goes
The memories are shadows, ink on the page
And I can't seem to find my way home

And it's almost like your heaven's trying everything
Your heaven's trying everything to keep me out
All the places I've been and things I've seen
A million stories that made up a million shattered dreams
The faces of people I'll never see again
And I can't seem to find my way home

'Cause it's almost like your heaven's trying everything to break me down
'Cause it's almost like your heaven's trying everything to keep me out

'Cause it's almost like your heaven's trying everything to break me down
'Cause it's almost like your heaven's trying everything
Your heaven's trying everything to break me down
To break me down, to break me down

Your heaven's trying everything
Your heaven's trying everything to break me down

BETTER MAN

2011-10-17T20:16:00.000+05:30

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man

Go easy on my conscience
'Cause it's not my fault
I know I've been taught
To take the blame

Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
I'm in pain

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man

Once you've found that lover
You're homeward bound
Love is all around
Love is all around

I know some have fallen
On stony ground
But Love is all around

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doin' all I can
To be a better man

2011-10-16T21:54:00.000+05:30

Hate to admit it, but maybe Dev D is right? Is it inevitable? But how does it matter now... new everything is the new code, all around, right?

TO THE FAMILIAR STRANGER...

2011-10-14T15:20:00.001+05:30

Thank you for giving me something i didn't even know i needed. For being so unassuming and sorted. For the laughter and the jokes. For stepping in unobtrusively and drawing me out ever so quietly.
I don't know what i did to inspire such an open act of friendship. But whatever it is, I am glad i did...

M

She..

2011-10-13T12:41:00.000+05:30

She wants to cry, but the tears won't come out.
She wants to talk, but the words won't come out.
She is scared. Petrified. Nervous. Agitated.
It's happening again..
She is clamming up..
And this time, the stakes are higher than they have ever been..
What does she do?
It is paralyzing her it seems. Or something inside her. She can sense it, sense the cold existence of that black cloud. But it's still so intangible.
And yet, she can't seem to react. It's making her go hide behind the walls and look at everything from a detached third person perspective. She can't talk about it, she can't express herself. She hears, but she doesn't listen, she speaks before she can think.. she is so absent minded.
But it's there, it's always there.
And it's scaring her..
Where words fail her, her psyche is acting up. It affects what she says, what she thinks, what she doesn't think, how she simply keeps running away from things, how she pays attention to what is absolutely unnecessary just because it gives her that much more time to hide.
First time in ages that she is being able to use words to express it, and now that she has started, they are flowing, and just won't stop..
She sees all that she is doing, she can see herself wreck it all, sabotage her own life, everything that she has worked for...
But she feels incapable of doing anything about it...
Because she is so far away. Because everything seems to be happening to a third person.
She needs faith... an answer... Something to believe in... Something that gets through her, affects her, penetrates through this iron shield that her protective reflexes have erected around her, making her incapable of really feeling, perceiving, understanding...

Read Somewhere...

2011-10-11T11:43:00.000+05:30

"may the best of our past be the worst of our future"...

Teardrops

2011-10-08T09:05:00.005+05:30

Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath
Gentle impulsion
Shakes me, makes me lighter
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Nine nights of matter
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my...

Water is my eye
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath
Teardrop on the fire
Of a confession
Fearless on my breath
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

You're stumbling a little
You're stumbling a little

SOUND OF SILENCE

2011-10-06T12:32:00.000+05:30

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

"Fools", said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you"
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls"
And whispered in the sounds of silence

A NONSENSICAL LAMENT

2011-10-04T17:03:00.004+05:30

I WANT TO RUN AWAY! FROM IT ALL. ALL. EVERYTHING. EVERYONE.
I NEED A CHANGE. I WANT A CHANGE.
choices. it's all about choices. the choices we make, for whatever reason.
sigh... if only i was as perfect and brilliant as DC thinks i am. If only i could have it all by simply snapping my fingers.

FOOLS RUSH IN WHERE ANGELS FEAR TO TREAD?

2011-10-04T16:48:00.002+05:30

ditch. same. detour. options. change. proximity. uncertainty. stagnation. instability. void. clarity. clear headed. upbeat. comfort. change. ease. levity. care. interest. circle. same. addiction. confusion.
______________________________________

2011-10-01T20:24:00.003+05:30

..Little child
Be not afraid
The storm clouds mask your beloved moon
And its candlelight beams
Still keep pleasant dreams
I am here tonight

...In the morning

Everything's fine in the morning
The rain will be gone in the morning
But I'll still be here in the morning

THE DEVIL PEEPS THROUGH THE HOODED OCULI

2011-09-29T20:16:00.000+05:30

Those veiled orbs..
They tug at something so basic, so primal.
A plaintive call that shakes through and through.
But what they say is in stark contrast to everything else.
The stories they hold, the sorrows they shield, the wants they shelter, the wounds they fiercely cover...
all but glimpsed fleetingly as they appear for a second, then disappear.
The disquiet, the unsaid words, the fears, the fatigue, the wishes, the dreams;
the disappointments, the hopes, the expectations-
all that's masked otherwise, resides in those dark stars.
But stars, are they?
Or black bottomless holes, with their unfathomable depths.
And their mysteries...
For everything is hidden; nothing shared or discussed.
It is the unintentional communication that ever gives out the clues, rare and short lived as it might be.
It shouts out loud a minute, looking everywhere for a release.
A temporary solace, if nothing better..
Always looking, but never quite successful.
Thunder and lightening- flashes of wrath.
Pent up frustrations; disappointments not openly discussed-
They all live in those wells of darkness; echoing within those closed chambers;
Always sheltered with unwavering determination,
But always looking and searching, hoping for answers...

2011-09-28T01:29:00.000+05:30

i see a way, but i dont know how to walk the distance...
i see a clearing, but i dont know how to avoid the bushes...
i see a river, but i dont know how to avoid the currents...
i see IT, but i dont know how to reach out to IT...

2011-09-28T01:27:00.000+05:30

Everybody plays the fool, sometime

There's no exception to the rule, listen baby

It may be factual, it may be cruel, I ain't lying

Everybody plays the fool

JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS...

2011-09-26T13:32:00.002+05:30

pieces...going to pieces...
thats what it feels like sometimes.
at others, it feels like everything is so in control...
seems like a bi polar disorder is setting in...
the psyche is splitting into various fragments..
one often in conflict with the other..
no, not merely often,
all the time.. all the fucking time..
pain..sometimes it is unbearable..
at others, it feels like thats what everything is depended on..
------------------------------------------

god... i am turning into a sadist...
AND i sound so fucking emo. blast it all! :|

SAIBO

2011-09-26T01:12:00.004+05:30

had this track on the loop for a while... love it. and ofcourse, Sendhil Ramamurthi.. sigh.. :)

Mann yeh sahib ji
Jane hai sab ji
Phir bhi banaye bahane

Naina nawabi ji
Dekhe hai sab ji
Phir bhi na samjhe ishare

Mann yeh sahib ji
Haan karta bahane
Naina nawabi ji
Na samjhe ishare

Samjhe ishare
Dheere dheere
Naino ko dheere dheere
Jiya ko dheere dheere
Bhayo re saibo

Dheere dheere
Naino ko dheere dheere
Apna sa dheere dheere
Lage re saibo

Surkhiyan hai hawaon mein
Do dilon ke milne ki
Ha haan arziya hai nazaron mein
Lamha yeh tham jane ki

O kaise hazuri ji
Yeh lab dikhaye
Chupi laga ke bhi
Gazab hai yeh dhaaye

Dheere dheere
Naino ko dheere dheere
Jiya ko dheere dheere
Bhayo re saibo

Dheere dheere
Begana dheere dheere
Apna sa dheere dheere
Lage re saibo

Saibo, saibo…

Dheere,

Dheere (Aa….)

Dheere, dheere

Saibo

Dheere

BALDERDASH

2011-09-24T01:45:00.003+05:30

Against the wind

We were runnin' against the wind

We were young and strong, we were runnin'

Against the wind..

it isn't fair. and never has been. guess never will be. but know what? that's life. deal with it. or end it. no point in cussin'. or throwing tantrums. or explaining to people. some things never change. some people never change. and can't be willed into it. doesn't work that way. and no, explanations and venting are pointless. hard to communicate. what good does that do anyway? nothing. just adds to the frustration by that much. so much better to just close down and deal with it. WAS not, IS not, WILL not be... of consequence. never. EVER.

SEVEN DAY MILE- THE FRAMES

2011-09-22T18:18:00.001+05:30

Your will changes everyday
It's a road you've come upon
I can't help you if you want to
Down here nothing gets a chance
It's a threat that's real enough
We can burn this bridge or stay here
It's a breeze everlasting like time
Making so sure that
I can return just to see it from your side again

Always never seems to work
It's a word you never learned
I don't really see a way clear
It's a sea ever churning in tides
In the sureness of time
And our words will repeat now forever again
Well this might take a while to figure out
So don't you rush it
And hold your head up high right through the doubt
'Cause it's just a matter of time
You've been running so fast
It's the seven day mile
Has you torn in between here and running away

I don't have a choice in this
It's a road I've come upon
You can join us if you want to

Always never seems to work
It's a word we never learned
Time will be the judge of all here
This might take a while to figure out now
So don't you rush it
And hold your head up high
Right through the doubt now
'Cause its just a matter of time
You've been running so fast
It's the seven day mile
Has you torn in between here and running away
It's a line you've been wanting
It's your time
It's the seven day mile
Has you torn in-between here and never again
Never again

And down here nothing gets chance
It's a world too big for us
Time will be the judge of all here
This might take a while to figure out now
So don't you rush it
And hold you're head up high
Right through the doubt now
'Cause its just a matter of time
You've been running so fast
It's the seven day mile
Has you torn in-between yeah and never again
Never again

MILES TO GO...

2011-09-21T13:27:00.000+05:30

Lord I'm one..
Lord I'm two..
Lord I'm three..
Lord I'm four..
Lord I'm 500 miles from my home.
500 miles, 500 miles, 500 miles, 500 miles..

but...

learning...understanding...amazed...grateful..
thank you.. :)

A BEAUTIFUL MESS

2011-09-19T18:19:00.002+05:30

i know i have been posting way too many songs and lyrics off late, both here and on my other blog, but i have been listening to a lot of music these days, (which is pretty much my only indulgence these days!) and i can't help but post the lyrics and songs which i find particularly appealing!

and well, here we are again, another video and some more lyrics. a friend shared this song with me today, saying it reminded him of me and somehow seemed to describe me, which is umm..weird, but whatever. the song is beautiful and so is Jason Mraz's voice.

so here we are... again! :)

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is

Hey, what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions, dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks ‒ they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words that paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess, yes it is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And the kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt
'Cause here, here we are, here we are
Here we are [x7]

We're still here
What a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is "Yes"

Through timeless words and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds not of this earth

And tides ‒ they turn ‒ and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together

And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But it's nice today. Oh, the wait was so worth it.

PERFECT

2011-09-18T09:38:00.003+05:30

...Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than Fuckin' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me...

...So complicated,
Look happy, You'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game.
It's enough, I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same.

Oh, Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than fuckin' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me.

THE TYGER AND THE LAMB

2011-09-14T11:41:00.002+05:30

Two of my favorite verses by William Blake, simply because of the contrast they portray... and how, apparently one seems to be the complimentary opposite of the other

The Lamb...

(from Songs of Innocence)

Little Lamb who made thee
Dost thou know who made thee
Gave thee life & bid thee feed.
By the stream & o'er the mead;
Gave thee clothing of delight,
Softest clothing wooly bright;
Gave thee such a tender voice,
Making all the vales rejoice:
Little Lamb who made thee
Dost thou know who made thee

Little Lamb I'll tell thee,
Little Lamb I'll tell thee:
He is called by thy name,
For he calls himself a Lamb:
He is meek & he is mild,
He became a little child:
I a child & thou a lamb,
We are called by his name.
Little Lamb God bless thee.
Little Lamb God bless thee.

AND

...The Tyger
(from Songs of Experience)

Tyger Tyger. burning bright,

In the forests of the night:
What immortal hand or eye,
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies.
Burnt the fire of thine eyes!
On what wings dare he aspire!
What the hand, dare sieze the fire?

And what shoulder, & what art,
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand? & what dread feet?
What the hammer? what the chain,
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp,
Dare its deadly terrors clasp!

When the stars threw down their spears
And water'd heaven with their tears:
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?
Tyger, Tyger burning bright,
In the forests of the night:
What immortal hand or eye,
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

THISTLE AND WEEDS

2011-09-13T15:33:00.003+05:30

Spare me your judgements and spare me your dreams
Cause recently mine have been tearing my seams
I sit alone in this winter clarity which clouds my mind

Alone in the wind and the rain you left me
It’s getting dark darling, too dark to see
And I’m on my knees, and your faith in shreds, it seems

Corrupted by the simple sniff of riches blown
I know you have felt much more love than you’ve shown
And I’m on my knees and the water creeps to my chest

But plant your hope with good seeds
Don’t cover yourself with thistle and weeds
Rain down, rain down on me

Look over your hills and be still
The sky above us shoots to kill
Rain down, rain down on me

But I will hold on
I will hold on hope

I begged you to hear me, there’s more than flesh and bones
Let the dead bury the dead, they will come out in droves
But take the spade from my hands and fill in the holes you’ve made

But plant your hope with good seeds
Don’t cover yourself with thistle and weeds
Rain down, rain down on me

I CAN'T THINK OF A TITLE FOR THIS...

2011-09-12T18:20:00.001+05:30

I like the phoenix. The creature is admirable. Reborn from its own ashes every time it bursts into flames. But then again, a phoenix is a mythical being, isn't it?

SAPNON SE BHARE NAINA...

2011-09-12T13:20:00.001+05:30

bagiya bagiya baalak bhaag
titli phir bhi haath na laage
iss pagle ko kaun bataye
dhoond raha hai jo tu jag maikoi jo paaye toh mann mai hi paaye

sapnon se bhare naina
toh neend hai na chaina
sapnon se bhare naina
toh neend hai na chaina

aisi dagar koi agar jo apnaaye
har raah ke vo aant pe rasta hi paaye
dhoop ka rasta jo pair jalaye
mod toh aaye chhaaon na aaye
raahi jo chalta hai chalta hi jaaye
koi nahi hai jo kahin usse samjhaye

sapnon se bhare naina
toh neend hai na chaina
sapnon se bhare naina
toh neend hai na chaina

naina re….. naina re
naina re….. naina re

door hi se sagar jisse har koi maane
paani hai woh ya ret hai yeh kaun jaane
jaise ke din se rehe rahe alag hai
sukh hai alag aur chain alag hai
par jo yeh dekhe vo naina alag hai
chain hai toh apna sukh hai paraye

sapnon se bhare naina
toh neend hai na chaina

sapnon se bhare naina
toh neend hai na chaina

LIKE ALL DREAMERS I CONFUSE DISENCHANTMENT WITH TRUTH....

2011-09-07T22:47:00.000+05:30

'Cause Baby Tonight, The DJ Got Us Falling In Love Again...

2011-09-06T09:51:00.000+05:30

Old hatchets buried, things talked through, sorted. That infectious, all pervading sore finally healed. Forgiven and forgotten, for all those concerned, forever. A sense of liberation. The freedom to move on, to move forward along more fronts than one.

LITTLE DROPS OF WATER..

2011-09-05T13:14:00.001+05:30

The most amazing weekend in ages. Crazy people, funny stories, Punjabi Spiderman (!!!), sitcoms, movies, music, TV shows, people..

Shared laughter, shared confidences, some corny confessions, chanced meetings and stupid behaviors around exes from half a decade ago..

Crazy drives, open spaces, secret hideouts, cloves and hidden balconies...

New associations, new faces, new inspirations...

I feel alive again! Fresh and rearing to go! And as always, it's the little things that make me smile...

Bring it on, bring on whatever you got. I'm A-Ready! :)

BETWEEN THE LINES...

2011-09-03T20:24:00.001+05:30

well we can’t change the world
we sure can change the way we live

we can’t only take
also have to learn to give

people corrupt
’cause they don’t understand
there’s book of truths
and a book of lies
think with your heart
read between the lines

things aren’t always how they seem
we got to make the best of it
eye for eye
tooth for tooth
sometimes we’re blind
we can still see the truth

sometimes we’re lost
sometimes we’re blind
think with your heart
read between the lines
---

{PS- The video isn't exactly great. But whatever. Love the song.}

COME AWAY WITH ME...

2011-09-02T18:39:00.000+05:30

Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song

Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can't tempt us
With their lies

And I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won't you try to come?

Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you

And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me

SIGGHHHHHH!!

2011-09-01T23:22:00.000+05:30

so i just did the impossible... temporarily deactivated my Facebook account for the next 2.5-3 months, till my exams. Why? Well, because it's the biggest distraction right now, whether on phone or on the comp.
It's like an addiction, that social networking site. Shows you the power of the social media. Ah well.
Boy...am i gonna be fidgety! But we shall fight this. Humph! Just like everything else, this too shall pass.
- wipes away the tears-
So long FB! see you soon! -blows into the handkerchief-

2011-08-28T22:33:00.002+05:30

i keep pricking it. prick prick prick. in every possible way. and then i wonder why it won't simply stop bleeding...

JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY..

2011-08-28T12:42:00.007+05:30

Tell me, and I will forget
Show me, and I may remember.
Involve me, and I will understand.
- Confucius

If only Confucius was alive today... He could probably hold a workshop on this and explain-

a) how do you guess the other person WANTS you to tell him, show him, involve him...that he wishes to understand?

b) how do you know the other person even wants to tell you, show you OR involve you?

THE BANE OF HAPPINESS

2011-08-26T13:45:00.008+05:30

A sudden realization... there is no such thing as unadulterated happiness. THAT state of being is a myth. Know why? Well, simply because of this little thing called 'the bane of happiness'. Don't know what that is?

Well, know that moment when everything is in its right place, the Gods are smiling at you, and that disturbing feeling is completely at rest? The moment when the universe seems to be as it ought to be and you feel you in your happy place.. well, that is when the blinds are lifted off your eyes, off their own, and you see things the way they really truly are. What had been wrong all this while, what was it that had been bothering you. Where you finally have the courage to call a spade a spade, thus revealing your Self to your self. Understand the distinction?

You see yourself for who you really are, and not as how you would like to perceive yourself. You see your follies, the wrongs done to none other but the Self, in this mad rush of going for something you believed was more important than that fabulous being which lay unnoticed and ignored within you all this while. You stifled it, gagged it, and shackled it. You didn't let it speak up. And all this while you wondered exactly why it was that you were unhappy.

How CAN you be happy when you ignore your own wants and needs, undermine your Self so blatantly, in pursuit of everything else that is but temporary and fluid? That one constant which is forever a part of you... you ignored it for a fleeting glimpse of a glamorous mirage? How is it that everything else and everyone else becaome more important? What made you run so far from yourself? A need for approval? A need for affection? Attention? Recognition? Why would anyone bother with you, when you so grossly refuse to value yourself?!

You want success, money, recognition. You dream, you aspire, you desire. You are ambitious. And in pursuit of these things, you choose to ignore yourself. How can you achieve these, when you don't listen to what lies inside you, your only guide.

That feeling of dissatisfaction... doesn't it eat away at it all, slowly but steadily? Oh yes it does. It saps you of your willpower, you determination, your motivation. What are those dreams and fantasies then? A farce, nothing more. A farce which you use to delude yourself and those around you- How utterly driven, everything pointing towards but one word, S.U.C.C.E.S.S

But what are you really? You don't exactly know, but nothing close to your dream YOU for sure!

For what are you, who are you, when you refuse to show your true feelings, emotions, wants, preferences, choices? Every Yes when you wanted to say a No and vice versa...it takes you further away from your dream. And one fine day you forget what it really was in the first place. You wake up, and are confused as to where you are at that moment. You don't know. But you still don't forget to expect OTHERS to figure it out for you. The ones whom you so blindly followed all this while at the cost of your Self. Ones, who were not foolish enough to commit the same mistakes as you. And you expect THEM to somehow show you the way. But why should they? Did they force you to do what you did? Ofcourse not! But how do you explain what made you do it... that you were scared of what you might have to do, the effort you might have to put if you did listen to yourself.
And when you see this realization dawn in their eyes, it makes you shrink away. And reassess.
For THIS is when you see yourself for what you came close to becoming.

Thank heavens for realizations and those little mercies. Heh.