CONFUSION GALORE

Don't know what i feel. Don't know what i want. Don't know who i want.

Just that i do. Feel. Want.

What was a solution yesterday, has become the puzzle today.

What was nonexistent yesterday, has become a reality today.

What i wanted yesterday, no longer moves me today.

What i saw happening yesterday, seems but a mirage today.

What i want tomorrow, doesn't seem to motivate me today.

Am i a wuss? an escapist? Do i get carried away by inane random immaterial things?

Am i too foolish to let small things affect me now, affect what i am doing now?

Is it atrocious to let emotions and feelings influence you?

Am i foolish not to know how to get out of this? Or try hard enough?

Maybe. No not maybe, maybe. Actually.

LIFE. HAPPENS

You get up, go to college, sit for exams, screw yourself. Meet people, laugh with them. Whether you find their jokes funny or not. You sit through classes, sit through work. Then you are on your way home. On the way you decide to take a detour. Go to the bakery, look around. Grab a thing or two. Benetton sale. Some funny memories pop up in the head. Grin, looking at the people grab whatever they can lay their hands on, dig into your chocolate eclaire, walk towards home.
The wind...wonderful. Wonder why people complain about the poor thing all the time. In winters too cold, in summers too dry and hot. Maybe in the extreme weather. Right now, its calm, pleasant and refreshing. Slaps your face when you are in danger of getting lost. Ugh. Twilight. Worst and the most hated part of the day. Quicken your pace. Can't wait for the dark. Get home. Talk with mum, jump around, crack some patent lame ones, have some potato chips. Then go to the room and get under the sheets. To get some sleep. Switch lights off. Its nice and cosy. Just you and the darkness. Some find it eery and brooding. Not you. Darkness lets you be. Covers for you. No one can see whether you sleep or lie awake with your thoughts. It makes you think. About things without any preconceived ideas, prejudices, without letting you make the things less painful and more factual. Doesn't let your vision color. You lie and think. Think and know your own mind. Know your mind and deal with facts. Deal with facts and accept them. In the meantime you let the tears flow. Let the silent sobs out. More than a year it has been. A year of pretending to others and yourself that it didn't matter. That it would be the way you want it, sometime. But the reality strikes in darkness. And with it comes a relief. Finally putting an end to it all.

People say teenagers or people in their 20s are dramatic, extreme, idealistic. But i disagree. This is life. Life happens to everyone. Period.

ah pegheadedness!

i refuse to initiate things. REFUSE. and yes, i don't care for how bloody long. period.

WHAT WOMEN WANT

For the past few days, a number of my friends have been having problems in the 'girls department'-- why did she leave me? what are they looking for in a guy? how do i ask a girl out? what do you look for in a guy? and the like...



They seem to think that one person's tastes and preferences, thinking etc is somehow applicable on the whole race. I don't know what is it that attracts ALL females towards a guy per se, or what keeps that attraction there. So here is an attempt. Any more questions and i send you right on this page ;)

One thing i have noticed, atleast among my friends and those around me, is that a girl doesn't go for a guy simply for his looks. Sure, they would like their men to be decent looking, tall, lean, strong and what not. But thats merely an add on, not a prerequisite. And fair guys, especially those fairer than the girl are a usual no. Sorry, but atleast in most cases. They usually believe that a man's looks and brains don't usually go together.  If a man looks good, generally either he won't know how to talk, or be gay. And unfortunately, most use it as a thumb rule which hasn't been proved wrong. MOSTLY.

Personally i feel an ordinarily decent looking guy is a lot better than a perfectly chiselled greek god. Why? Because sooner or later the charm wears off and you are looking for a way out. Whereas, with a normal regular guy it is sort of the opposite. Reasons:
a) when you are attracted, you know for a fact that its not just the looks and that you "appreciate them for who they are"
b)you notice smaller details about them over time as they grow on you.

Besides this, he ought to be able to understand you without you having to put everything into words, without feeling that you need to justify your actions. You should be able to feel secure about the fact that somewhere down the line his insecurities, ego and competitiveness are not going to come forward and wreck it all. Silences shouldn't be awkward and filled with a need to out in words to avoid them.You should be... i don't know... able to feel ok just sitting around each other simply doing your own thing without grudging each other that. And yes, please don't expect her to always do all the understanding. Being the female, she is expected to understand the situation, understand HER emotion and YOURS as well. Then, she is expected to accommodate hers in a way which would spare your ego any sort of pain. AND THEN expected to forget all about it. NOT fair.
Yes, a guy should be protective, assertive, possessive and willing to play Lochniver for his damsel. All fairy tales teach us that. But what is EQUALLY important is not to get overprotective, aggressive, obsessive OR unnecessarily take up our fights for us. That is i guess what differentiates chivalry from chauvinism.It is a great feeling to know you can depend upon someone for their support irrespective of the magnitude of the problem.

The biggest thing however, is DON'T try to cover up your weaknesses with false bravado and machismo. Trust me, we might be credited with a pea sized brain but even through that we are able to see through the facade mostly. And WHEN that happens it makes everything about you seem like one big illusion- the good points fade, the bad ones get highlighted. So yeah, stick with facts. But that doesn't mean you whine about them. Simply let them be what they are-- facts about you.

And here, i end my monologue. Comments are welcome. :)

PS: this whole post is based on what i've observed or seen around me-- the likes, preferences and dislikes. On reading through, the portrait conjured seems to be a tough one to live upto. In case you do, FIND A GIRL WORTHY OF YOU! ;)

US and us

"Post attacks, Bush sends Rice to India", reads the headlines of one of the articles in a daily today. The reason for the visit-- but obviously the Mumbai siege.It is to 'show US's solidarity with the people of India and hold the extremists responsible', as more commonly being propogated. However, a bigger and more valid reason is the loss of American lives that has spurred it into action, as against its usual stand of distancing itself from the multiple terrorist attacks that India has suffered over the years.

Moreover, the recent chill in Indo-Pak ties after the Mumbai carnage and its possible repurcussions is another major reason. The US would not like any unilaterally punitive measures by New Delhi to adversely impact its war on terror along Pak's western front. Hence, the US is seeking to temper New Delhi's response and come up with jointly beneficial options.
This appears to be an undermining of the Indian sovereignty to a certain extent, as many would have us believe, especially since the US support seems to be more for its own benefit. And to a certain extent, it wouldn't be a wrong conclusion.

But then again, this sort of outside intervention, even if it might be for their own interesr, is welcome at this point. For hasn't the inability of our successive governments and our ineptness to deal with the scourge of terrorism harmed us enough? One might accuse the Americans of ALWAYS selfishly putting their own interests ahead of everyone else's, even when seemingly offering support, but can they deny the fact that if any country knows how to take care of its own, its America? No, for no matter whether its one life or 6 lives or hundreds of lives, they will never back away from punishing the guilty.
Furthermore, US support, in the form of intelligence aid, including technological inputs, collaboration of the US investigative agencies with the Indian agencies, etc. is too necessary to be frowned upon.

As per the article referred to earlier, one of the actions being informally considered is to strive for a UN resolution empowering a coalition of the affected countries to dismantle terrorist camps in Pakistan, including Pakistan occupied Kashmir.These affected countries include India, US, UK, China and Russia, and also some countries from the European Union and Israel due the loss of lives suffered by them in the Mumbai siege.

What will be the result of all this, remains to be seen. However, what makes THIS tragedy different (apart from the scale of loss suffered) is the unequivocal response that it has generated the world over, which goes beyond the usual condolences. Hopefully all this will bear fruit and arouse those in charge enough to work together for avoidance of similar pathetic tragedies in the future.

WHAT IT TAKES

Takes but a small thing to make you happy.

To make you cherish someone's company.

To make you feel special.

Takes but a small thing to make you wanna live forever.

To wish that the day would never end.

To make you dream those tantalizing dreams for the future.

To pin your hopes for that future on a flimsy yet ideal premise.

But then again,

Takes but a small thing to bring those wishes and expectations tumbling down.

LOOKING AT THE EAGLE AND OBSERVING...

I feel...

• The election was fought between an idealist and a realist.
• The idealist's election campaign centred around fighting and working for what he thinks and believes to be the reality. The realist's take- for what he thought would be an ideal campaign.
• Finally, in the reality struck nation, the idealist won.
• For the first time in a long LONG time optimism and belief in what CAN be and SHOULD be done seems to have actually won over cynisicm.

Hah! for the first time i feel its not completely foolish to hang onto a picture perfect kind of scenario. Plus, the euphoria and madness sweeping over the world, NOT just to mention the US, seems kind of ironical, considering not so long ago any sort of quixotic utopian ideas or feelings were laughed at in your face, being taken as a synonym for naivete, and derision and cynicism lauded.

Funny how one man, who wasn't even heard of till not so long ago, can change the way things go around the world.

Does this signify a change, truly? Can he help bring back that lost hope, make the nation once again THE POWER as he promised? Would he be more in news for his policies and their implementation than his political gaffes? Can he make the people look at the Americans as something more substantial than pop culture struck Paris-lusting-Britney-bashing-emo-promoting nation of slackers?

PS: I have ALWAYS wondered but never figured... HOW is it that though everyone has something negative to say about America, yet they don't mind packing their bags and rushing for its shores every opportunity they get?

:'(

This is the first time in years that i am sitting at home on Diwali while everyone else is meeting up for the usual extended family reunion! and i can assure you, i absolutely ABHOR it! Even 12th Boards didn't reduce me to this. : It better be worth all this!

...

how funny is it, when you writing something for a particular situation or a particular someone, thinking what you saying or writing perfectly captures something unique. Something which won't be applicable to anything or anyone else. But then, surprizingly, it is. It fits so perfectly that you get confused in your own mind as to what/who the actual intended subject was. :)

A CONVERSATION BETWEEN MISS M AND HER C

Miss M: i have been trying. its not like i haven't. but it just won't do!

C: true that. but then again, how is dilly dallying over it going to help you? just get it done with. who knows, you might just clear them!

Miss M: see, my clearing not clearing is really not the point here. its just that the reasons for doing it are not convincing enough. somewhere down the line the plot has been lost.

C: what is it that you wish for? whatever you wanted... that Audi, that pad, being able to go around the world... all of it is but a while away.

Miss M: its so much easier when things happen to someone else. you are a mere observer and in a position to tell them what they need to do from a very objective, unbiased point of view. but how do you do it with yourself when your brain tells you to simply get down to it and the gut tells you to chuck it and simply give it up?

C: forget about the gut and the brains for a while. tell me will you be able to look back at this sort of failure, this giving up on your part, 10 years down the line? won't it seem like a futile waste of a) time b)labour c) resources ? won't you feel guilty even now, when you have wasted so much of time, money and everything?

Miss M: People notice that i become a recluse during the exams, around exams. they attribute it to my 'drive', my 'commitment', my 'hard work'. how disappointed (or maybe secretly glad?!) will they be when they see how wrong and mistaken they were? how attrociously i have been deceiving them all this while? they think i sit and study at home while they are enjoying themselves, that she is definitely going to excel in whatever she takes up. and THAT, is the scariest part of them all. that idea that i might just not live upto it, that i won't be able to make it is what is so scary. and what is acting like a deterrant. i have almost given up hope of making it. i am hopeless. whatever bits and pieces i am now taking up are merely like a few drops in an ocean. i no longer have that conviction in what i've taken up, which i used to be so proud of. and the lack of which in others i used to look down upon. it seemed so natural then, the only way of being, knowing your way so clearly. all the time. how was i to know then how it feels to be suddenly stranded midway? to lose the plot completely. like you realize you are headed towards antartica when it was the arctic circle you had always aimed to reach.

C: that definitely is a bummer. but ever tried looking at this from this point of view? that maybe it WAS for the better in a way. now that you are so close to antartica, why fear the glaciers and the thin ice? why NOT experience this land too and try and discover its joys before writing it off completely? it might simply add to the experience of the arctic, nay?
don't damn something just because it turns out to be different from what you had ideally imagined it to be. for even if it lacks all the things you were looking for, it might not be that bad. maybe might even contain a few surprizes, and pleasant ones at that?
it is so much easier to leave things mid way. that's what most do, don't they? and most of them end up regretting it too, because when they see others finish their task, they realize that it wasn't as tough as it had seemed initially. one last heavy push, and they could have been through!
when you work for it so hard, give up so many things you like, then why not make that count? why let them all go waste and feel all the worse for it?

Miss M: i know, and this has crossed my mind so many times. it does motivate me to work, no matter how little. but then i see how much others are putting in, and then i panick. i panic because i know i will never be able to be as good as they are, or reach close to where they are right now. they have the conviction that is required, the self belief that is required and the energy, the willpower to carry them forward. whereas presently (and only presently!) i lack not just one of these, but all. that's when simply giving up and going into the oblivion for a while sounds so tempting.

C: look, thinking so much about it, giving it so much energy to it is anyway not helping you, is it? then why even bother wasting time on it?! i know for a fact that when you get down to it, you actually like what you are doing. but then you suddenly realize how huge the task is, and how little you have achieved, or what little you are now even TRYING to do, will not even help you scratch the surface.
but then again, given all that has been written and said about the topic, even if you don't make it, you won't have the additional burden of the 'loser' tag, would you? you would have given it the best shot you could have, under the circumstances. making the cut would simply be an added bonus.
atleast you won't feel like a fool for having given up midway. and this too, when you ABHOR the idea of giving up on things in between.
so chin up, and go for the damned thing!!!