Murphy Returns

Worst mood possible! Hot sticky evening, and I'm in an auto on my way back home from work. After having waited on the road for 30 mins to get a conveyance of ANY form. The auto guy just had to get gas refilled today. The weather is sticky and humid and I'm sweating buckets, sticky all over. As the auto moves, the breeze slightly blows. But then, we get stick at the signal once again. And the auto driver is sweating dollops as well, and stinking of mouldy stuff.  Yeurgh!! God knows how my judgemental ass is smelling to others though! And now I have to go to one of those highbrow South Delhi malls, all messed up. Oh man! I want to vent off on someone /something!!

Of all the days, why did I choose this opportune day to travel by auto you ask? Well, because as today happens to be my lucky day, my phone internet stopped working because of which  I couldn't book a pool ride.

LOST MY HAPPY PLACE..

Broken, disturbed, frustrated, tired. Reached that point of saturation. Even a mosquito seems to have a more ambitious, a more purposeful life than I do. I'm hurting so bad right now, I don't know what to do or who to turn to. Everyone is busy with their lives, has their own set of worries. How can I go to them for answers to questions that are half evolved in my own head? Things seem so desperate that I, one who has never believed in self help books, thought I might find an answer in this book I came across today, Finding A Purpose In Life. But sadly, that hasn't been of use either thus far.

Forget that level of satisfaction, I am not even close to deciphering the path to it. Everything, every aspect of life seems to be coming undone- professional, academic and personal. I don't know what's going on in any aspect of my life. There's so much confusion with respect to everything! I feel like a pendulum, oscillating between despair and optimism.

I just want to get away from everything, everyone, cut myself off.. Or cut off those various pieces of me that are attached to these various aspects.. I just want to close my ears to the cacophony, put on my rose tinted glasses and go into a world where everything is fine and sorted and where I can be happy.

THE SONG OF THE ROAD

Usually i love this time of the year. It somehow fills me with good cheer and this hope that good things are on their way.

But right now, it's annoying me. Why, you wonder? Well, because it's still making me feel the same. But unfortunately, reality, that bitch, has twisted its dagger deep in, the tip being coated with an overdose of realization, that's spreading through every bit of my body.

And you know what it's saying to me? It says,

                               "Welcome to the world of grown ups! I hope you have bid goodbye

to those days of childhood, where whims and fancies and hopes and wishes
all co existed? If not yet, then please do. Here, in our world, you are only allowed to do

and concentrate on what is required and expected of you. Once the choice is made, it can't be unmade.

No more will anyone laugh at your whims and wishes, or pass off your idealistic talks as harmless jabber, with that good natured shake of the head. No more will you be permitted to get distracted, without being considered directionless and wayward. The consequence and the price of detours is indeed heavy here. There's no going back without losing your way. Just keep walking straight, without any hope for respite.

The path might be monotonous, annoying, dreary, tiring and painful. It might periodically wear you down.

But you would be a fool to let yourself be bogged down by any of this. 

For when you do successfully walk down this road, the results shall be tremendous.

So think only of those."

I don't like this weather anymore. Where once it made me happy, now it suffocates me. Now it makes me feel as if my happiness is conditional to the successful walk down this road. Without completing it, i will always be stranded somewhere in the middle, always made to feel guilty for those little joys and stolen laughs...

11 AM- upbeat and rearing to go.
1.30 PM- want to shoot half the world. strangle the rest.

SUFFOCATED! ANNOYED! HYPER! HORMONAL! TICKED OFF PISSED OFF CHEESED OFF!
i need to breathe... i need to breathe in some fresh air. i want to feel whole. not as fragmented and fragile as i feel right now. but i DON'T KNOW what to do about it! except cry in anguish, shout at people, and throw things around.

i think i'll go and take a cold shower. that should clear my head, even if it makes my teeth chatter. :|

JUST SAYIN'

It's a warm pleasant Sunday afternoon. A perfect early February day. The whole clan is assembling at the farmhouse in Chhatarpur for a theme party and lunch..

... AND I AM HERE, HOME, WRITING THIS LAME POST. But then, did i mention, i've got FEMA and Holding Companies to keep me company. Joy.
Oh well...

JUM TAASH!

This is the third year in a row that i have missed both, the Dusshera and Diwali celebrations. And it sucks. For a lot of people it might be something ordinary, almost old fashioned. But they weren't born in this 'great Mathur clan' (as somebody has started addressing it! :) )

Holi, Rakhi, Dusshera, Diwali... they are many of those numerous occasions on which the entire extended family comes together to celebrate the occasion. Ofcourse, these are but excuses for meeting up and the bonhomie, for which there are plenty of other chances THROUGHOUT the year, but when you are born in this family, and take it for granted, the loneliness that hits you when you're not a part of it.. it's palpable.

Diwali and Dusshera usually entail a lot of preparations. Like, about two weeks in advance, it's decided as to who will be playing the host. Then, the yummy food items, drinks, snacks etc are distributed.

On the D Day, once you get to the destination, you loaf around, sit on the white bedsheet with 'Saket wale babaji/ nana/ chacha*' (that's what we call the septuagenarian, my dad's uncle!), who teaches the kids of the family how to play cards and various card tricks, while waiting for everyone to turn up.

Once all the families are there, everyone sits together for the puja. The funniest part is the ''current'' bit, where everyone is supposed to connect with someone, who is connected to the person in front of them, who is..till you are connected to the direct source of connection with God. Gives everyone plenty of chances to poke, pinch or annoy each other!

Once puja is over, everyone sits down to have the mithai and paapris and pudina chutney and all other assorted things which different families prepare and get, which are graded by the elders of the family. (And no one gets higher than 6, unless ofcourse, their paapris are exceptionally crisp and yummy!)

Post this comes the card session, where a special white bed sheet is laid, drinks prepared and distributed, and everyone gets down to business. Ooh, and there are two groups of these as well.. one, where the stakes are quite low, and the other, where they are comparatively higher. Initiation of the wee ones into the game is a (pseudo!) formal way of bringing the kids out, much like the official introduction of the kids-who-are-now-all-grown-up to to alcohol! Yes, you got that right! People in our family actually introduce the wee ones to their first sip of alcohol, sometimes when they are as young as a year or so old! :) ( Ofcourse, it is but a sip of their dad's scotch or Ramesh babaji*'s beer mug at that age! But still.. could any family be cooler?! )

Around 4-4.30, everyone is reminded of the lunch, which as already mentioned, is a pot luck. Some of the typical Mathur dishes are matar ki tahiri (matar/pea pulao), kadhi chawal, mutton pulao, mutton koftas, chicken curry, roomali roti (the paper thin soft white roti), bakar khani, (the sweet brown bread that's made only in Old Delhi)... (sob! makes me wanna drop the pizza am having right now).

Again, the pseudo grading of the preparations and the leg pulling ensues. Oh boy, everyone in my family is fond of pulling each other's leg and making that occasional jibe!

Once the lunch is over, comes the second session of cards. This time, the ones who are in the red, try and buck up their game and even things out soon as they can. 

Around 5.30, they usually deal the last game, post which is the "good luck" game, where in, open cards are dealt, 3 times, and in which everyone, including the tiny tots, has his cards dealt. Packing of the last deal signals the packing up of the game, which is followed by a mug of steaming hot tea, prepared in a HUUUUGE utensil. Everyone sits around for another hour or so, lazily sipping their tea and gossiping or making plans of the next party or occasion or discussing anything and everything which of common interest to most. Once done, everyone disperses to go back.

And this time, considering my parents' itinerary, i don't think they will be back anytime soon, which means i will be home all alone till then...

How i hate this! :'(

AGONIES OF THE INTERWEB

i am scared of the social media. and the fear, already of phobia proportions, is going to last a while i think. it evades your privacy, your mind space, can be used as a tool to either make or break something.. you name it, and it's possible. i don't like it. i detest it. suddenly. i just do.
hi5, orkut, facebook, blogger, twitter, linkedin, youtube.. hell, even y! messenger, gtalk, windows messenger... i've used everything.. EVERYTHING. i just feel like running away in the other direction when i think of it or hear about anymore. i guess it's just started ruling my life too much... not to mention the monotony that's set in. know that feeling when you looking at someone's wedding pictures, or farewell pics, people you haven't ever talked with while you were in college or school or wherever, and you have a million things to do, and like a moron, you sit and look at them and analyze their clothes. and god forbid you point them out to a friend on phone! there goes a good hour or two down the drain. ofcourse, the laughs and those gossip sessions are fun, but only while you talking. once done, hello guilty conscience! also, once you done, the whole "hmmm... what if someone else is sitting there, doing the exact same thing with MY pics and date?"... exactly. horrible feeling that.

YouTube! the boony bane of my existence! booney bane? well..that's when you get addicted to something, love it, every minute of it, but still know you should be as far away as possible from it!

not to mention what a voyeur it has made of all of us, me included. everything is out there, your every action, open to people's scrutiny, intrusion. either you go hide everything every second, or simply stop using it (rather difficult, considering 90% socializing happens online these days!), or just get used to it. that reality just hit home, a few days back, when someone i hadn't connected with for ages suddenly popped up in my gtalk window and started talking with me. to his usual queries of "whats up?", i was answering with the socially accepted "not much, you tell me.." when he is like.."come on! you got so much happening!" and "who is she? who is he? where is this pic from? what is this thing..." and so on. freaked me out. yes, it did. 

enough to get me off this damned thing (ALL THESE THINGS!) for a while at least!

hmmm.. might seem a little contradictory to everyone, considering i am still typing here, was active on facebook not too long ago, and watched a coupla videos on youtube a few minutes back. but this is my last interaction for a while now. rest assured...

toodles! see you when i see you next!

__________________________________________

A NONSENSICAL LAMENT

I WANT TO RUN AWAY! FROM IT ALL. ALL. EVERYTHING. EVERYONE.
I NEED A CHANGE. I WANT A CHANGE.
choices. it's all about choices. the choices we make, for whatever reason.
sigh... if only i was as perfect and brilliant as DC thinks i am. If only i could have it all by simply snapping my fingers.

FOOLS RUSH IN WHERE ANGELS FEAR TO TREAD?

ditch. same. detour. options. change. proximity. uncertainty. stagnation. instability. void. clarity. clear headed. upbeat. comfort. change. ease. levity. care. interest. circle. same. addiction. confusion.
______________________________________

just one of those days...

want a lot of noise around right now...loud, disturbing, constant din. something which won't let you concentrate or think. something that drowns out the voices and the monologue going on in the head...

BIZARRE BIZARRER BIZARREST !!

so what do i call this? the Almighty's little joke on me?

i mean... WHAT in the world is going on these days?! there i am, sitting with this absolutely amazing guy in this lounge, talking over a couple of drinks and a couple of smokes. mind you, the person was a complete stranger till an hour back! sensing that we are quite enjoying each other's company, my darling friend, who is a mutual friend, decides to leave us for a while, and conveniently vanishes for one hour on the pretext of a work emergency.
so as i was saying...

there i am, sitting with this absolutely amazing guy in this lounge, talking over a couple of drinks and smokes, a virtual stranger at that..the guy is joking around, flirting, nothing too over the top, very subtle and understated, just how i like it...looks amazing with his curly hair and chocolate brown, bespectacled eyes and that cute smile...

...and i feel nothing. nada. zilch. all i can think of is my bed, where i can rest my weary head, zone out the world, and go off to sleep.

and as if that wasn't weird enough, this guy, who i had a thing for an age and a half back, and well, never completely got over till a while back, he walks into the place...and very nonchalantly comes up, long hair, beard and glasses and all...and gives me a hug...and talks for a few minutes, then leaves.. congratulating me for having found someone. i mean..WHAT?!

DC

i don't like change. especially if it involves people that i am close to. it takes so much getting used to... the entire changing of equation and everything. i miss my DC... he was the funnest coolest most amazing guy i knew. and now he is lost somewhere, just like so many others. sigh... i miss you DC :(

tired she is. of everything around her. would be so easy to simply pick a few things and throw them around, break them. she wants to just get away, run away...from it all. everything. everyone. everyone has a complaint

she's an easy punchbag. come to her, lash out at her. take your frustrations out on her. you know she won't react. you know she will understand. she always does. she doesn't say anything. things don't bother. they don't affect her. she can take it all. she will do this for you, that for you. ask her. she has all the solutions. she will know what to do. what not to do. this that, this that...

know what? she's sick of it all. SICK of it. she can't take it anymore. she feels too you know. it hurts her too. she cries too. she breaks down too. your words don't just bounce off her. they leave an impact. a very very deep impact.

she cries when you're not watching. she sits by herself in a dark room, with a journal in her hand, the only place where she can let go, with tears streaming down her face. she just doesn't know how else to express her anguish. she doesn't believe in making scenes. never has.
 it's ok to expect from her, to hope for things, but whom does SHE turn to for help when she needs it? can her journal talk back? 
 you feel you can depend on her when things don't make sense to you. but where does she go? why can't she depend on you to be there for her?

every fucking time...every fucking time she falls. she is hurt. she cries. she thinks about it. lets those tears flow. thinks. and somehow wipes them off and tries getting up. she doesn't believe in giving up. she doesn't stop believing.

she is used to this by now. has somehow convinced herself to stop expecting anything because it feels more like an obligation. but then again, there are times when she can't help it either.
all she wants, is for someone to understand her. to be there for her. to be with her when she needs that occasional support, occasional shoulder. someone to run to, to hold onto, to turn to...when things get too much. someone with whom she can let go of herself. someone who's hers.  someone who doesnt need her to explain things. someone who tells her its ok if things don't always go her way. someone who feels her. understands her. someone who's all hers to depend on.

is it too much to ask for? 

feels so near, and yet so far
is it real or not, cannot say.
felt and sensed, yet the wonder
is there, or is it just imagination?

tired. disappointed. annoyed. under pressure. irritated. anti social. theatrical. dramatic. sad. blue.confused. scared. clueless. aggressive. short tempered. easily distracted. hyper. emotional. insecure. masked. high.

just blowing off steam...

i just wanna disappear. go away. from everyone. everything. i don't want to be around people.

silence, complete and absolute; solitude, uninterrupted; introspection, completely objective; objectivity, now that's something i've kind of lost over the years; willpower to actually do what i have in mind, well..that needs complete detachment too...these are the things i really need.

 and that's not possible if i don't completely distance myself from anyone and everyone. soo many opinions, so many advices...and all so varied. somewhere along the line i've lost my own point of view. some are looking out for me, some trying to protect me, some trying to goad me, some trying to test me. some think i'm naive and gullible. others think i lack a backbone. some think i am too trusting. others think i doubt and analyse and second guess too much. you know what? thank you all, but i've had enough. i respect your opinions and concerns and everything, but i am not a child. i can look out for myself.

i need time out. time away. from everything and everyone. especially from certain people. i need to clear my head. and i really need to examine my relationship with some who i thought were the closest...funny, how everyone saw through the 'facade' when i couldn't, not in all these years. anyway, enough ranting  i guess.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

I am disgusted, to the core. of all the articles, editorials, news reports and whatever else that i've been seeing all around. it seems people have suddenly woken up to the knowledge of upcoming Commonwealth Games. everyone suddenly seems to be of the opinion that we shouldn't be hosting the Games in the first place. what bull!

where were these intellectual geniuses when Delhi was putting in the bid ages ago? when we won the bid the impact of the expenditure on our 'poor developing economy', 'dwindeling resources', 'malnourished kids' was not the foremost thought on their minds! i can bet quite a few of them gave interviews, wrote articles and fought over tv space, gushing about what a proud moment it was for India.

the country won the bid quite a few years ago. but it's just now that they have woken up to the impact and the uselessness of it all. delhi has been in a pitiable state for the longest time now. every corner you go to, every street you drive through, some construction work is going on. roads are dug up, every second route diverted, trafffic in a chaos, metro schedules and functioning abysmal, pathetic powercuts, water shortage, what not. to top it, not only does our CM, lady dikshit turn down the offer of companies to lower the tariffs, the govt even levies additional taxes for the CWG. all these, no matter how painful and annoying, had been defended by most average delhiites for a long time. so much so, my cynicism was almost gone. but now, after years, seems most of the people in power or with the power are losing this optimism, doing their best to ensure that others follow suit.
'is it all worth the expenditure?', 'can we afford all this?', 'shouldn't the funds by delegated somewhere more useful instead?', 'people should boycott the Games if they know what's good for them' -some of the oft repeated sentiments these days. common people being tired of the difficulties they face, complaining about them is understandable. people worried about losing face due to the lax attitude of authorities, and moaning about the pathetic speed of work is justified. cursing in the crazy traffic jams and chaos is ok. taxpayers coming out in arms over misuse of their money is TOTALLY ok.
BUT... a former cabinet minister of the presently ruling government declaring publicly that he hopes the Games fail is NOT ok! people forgetting these Games all these years, overlooking the lax preparations, ignoring the blatant misuse and embezzlement of funds, staying quite all this while is loathesome. newspapers and TV channels doing exclusives on new stories everyday to further trash these Games at this last minute is downright careless and questionable. the governments (both central and state) forgetting about it all this while, uncontrolled epidemics, the doubts arising in the minds of the international community are abhorable!
as if the world doubting our ability to host CWG wasn't enough, now even we are looking down upon ourselves, booing what we've been working for all these years.

there was plenty of time to speak your mind. but none of you did. not till this minute. probably would not have made shrewd business sense, huh? but for once put your popcorn patriotism, your pseudo concerns for the damned non issues under scanner. if you can't be bothered to go buy a ticket, don't. just stop maligning the whole thing at this last hour over concerns which are general and in no way related merely to these games.

AS THE CHAPTER COMES TO AN END...

Ugh. Feels like there's a brick lying inside me...like there's something being suppressed, waiting to explode. It's pinching. I wanna crawl in that direction...simply put it all right. Assure and be assured. Be told that everything is ok. Nothing has changed, nor is it going to change. But i won't...simply because i know this cycle would go on. I would never be able to get out of it. And i want so much more than what is on offer. How can i put aside what i want and feel, and pretend to be satisfied with a fraction of it because only that is on offer? If i refuse even that, the pain my refusal causes takes everything away completely...

There's a sort of relief too...at finally putting all of it to an end. But this sinking feeling, this sense of loss just won't go. Why couldn't it all be simple to understand, easy to sort out? i wish i could be like those who can look at everything in a detached sort of way..no pain, no complications.

There's this crazy need, this impulse, this wish to be with someone...someone who would help put all this at rest.

Human emotions...and human love for everything complex. Or more like...human love for making everything complex. heh

VICIOUS CIRCLE THIS ?

miss how it was 3 years ago... wish things could go back on the same track again. words, though plenty come to mind, could never do justice to what am thinking or feeling. wish certain illusions could turn to be the reality... if only a reality revealed years on. funny. heh

:'(

This is the first time in years that i am sitting at home on Diwali while everyone else is meeting up for the usual extended family reunion! and i can assure you, i absolutely ABHOR it! Even 12th Boards didn't reduce me to this. : It better be worth all this!