Two people who give up on their own comfort and pleasures, just to ensure that you have everything you want for. That you are protected and sheltered. They might not indulge you and your whims on the face of it, or encourage you to buy those big brands, but when you need that money for a reason, it WILL be there, without even a second thought, and only God knows from where! They are like your emergency credit card. For themselves, they will think, and think thrice, before they buy anything. But for you, they always want to make sure that you have what you want, even if they do try and exercise a little bit of rationality while looking at the tags. Oh yeah, they will negotiate even the smallest rise in your pocket money/allowance. But i believe that's just a ploy to help you become a better negotiator haha! Oops.. just realized i haven't specifically mentioned i am talking about parents. Then again, who could have assumed otherwise, reading what i have written thus far, heh.

But what happens when you grow up and aren't really dependent upon them for all your whims and fancies? Oh sure, you talk about independence and our rights and their duties and individual choice. But how do you REALLY strike a balance with all these things, and a genuine feeling that you are what you are because of them and their small sacrifices over these many years? Do you continue to be okay with how they still treat you like the young one, looking out for you, trying to advise you about things, telling you what's best for you and what isn't good for you at all, protecting you and sheltering you? Or do you simply shout and fight, trying to exercise the good ol' "my life, my choice!" right? How do you ensure that you become an independent, open minded, confident individual who doesn't depend on them for his or her needs, without becoming a stranger to them and breaking their heart?

I am 27 and still struggling to figure THAT one out! It would be nice to know what others think as well! ;)

Random Wandering Thoughts Captured..

LOST MY HAPPY PLACE..

Broken, disturbed, frustrated, tired. Reached that point of saturation. Even a mosquito seems to have a more ambitious, a more purposeful life than I do. I'm hurting so bad right now, I don't know what to do or who to turn to. Everyone is busy with their lives, has their own set of worries. How can I go to them for answers to questions that are half evolved in my own head? Things seem so desperate that I, one who has never believed in self help books, thought I might find an answer in this book I came across today, Finding A Purpose In Life. But sadly, that hasn't been of use either thus far.

Forget that level of satisfaction, I am not even close to deciphering the path to it. Everything, every aspect of life seems to be coming undone- professional, academic and personal. I don't know what's going on in any aspect of my life. There's so much confusion with respect to everything! I feel like a pendulum, oscillating between despair and optimism.

I just want to get away from everything, everyone, cut myself off.. Or cut off those various pieces of me that are attached to these various aspects.. I just want to close my ears to the cacophony, put on my rose tinted glasses and go into a world where everything is fine and sorted and where I can be happy.

BLANK

Where words fail, silence might just prevail.

Maybe the constant expression of thoughts and opinions isn't the best thing to do after all. Maybe distance, silence, space, time pose the same questions better and alongside procure their answers too.

The questions, though pertinent, may not always obtain the best answers after all. What are words after all, when they don't mean the same thing to everyone involved. How will the answers be forthcoming when the questions are not understood the same way.

Time.. Patience.. Distance.. Detachment..

Lone Ranger, Lone Miles...

As you walk that walk home,
Troubled by many a thorn;
Trudging on with a heavy heart,
Waiting for the sorrow to depart.

You meet strangers; some passersby,
They wave to you with a smile,
That beckons you on another mile;
Close you follow, on your heel
If required willing to kneel.

The hopes renewed, you follow on,
Looking, hoping for a hand to hold on.
They look at you and pat your head,
You're now our own, their eyes said.

With confidence you carry on,
Hope and optimism edging you on.
But then stumble over a cobbled stone,
Fall, then look up to find all gone.

Something has been reaffirmed today.. At the end of the day, it's just you for yourself. Everything else is a myth..

Potpourri...

This post has been a while coming. I don't know why I haven't written for so long.. Maybe its because I've had a lot on my plate, maybe nothing noteworthy has happened that needed to be chronicled.. Or maybe I've just forgotten the art of stringing words together.. Even now I don't have anything specific to write about, just this wish to once again see my thoughts appear in words.. To sort them as I type them..

What's my current state of mind? I can't really understand. Its a thought potpourri.. And my emotions, a forest on fire. There's so much in my head, yet its so difficult to put it together coherently.. But I guess it would be safe to say that I'm kind of discontented with my lot. Because where I am right now, is nowhere close to where I'd like to be.. I want to be free, soar high, not be bound my limits or restrictions.. I want to see the world, and what all it has to offer me. I don't want to be tied down to things or people, with obligations and duties, with the dos and don'ts... I want to travel, try different cuisines, write, meet new people, work with people, FOR people..

The world is limitless and boundless.. it has so much to offer, to teach, to feel, to accommodate. So how can confining ourselves to our safe spots be justified? Doesn't it fill any of you with this unquenchable thirst to see, to experience, to feel, to learn?

I haven't lived my purpose in life yet.. I feel like I haven't done anything that I was meant to do, this far. Every day when I get up, this feeling of dissatisfaction niggles. Its not the people, its not my surroundings.. Its the role I'm being expected to play, forced to play, to fit within the set parameters that makes me restless. I am living in direct conflict of my very nature.. So how can I be completely truly satisfied? Is it any wonder that I feel so lost and out of my depth? If I wish to play by the rules, do what everyone expects out of me, I could.. But that would mean I'm denying my very nature, that in trying to be dutiful towards others, I'm being unfaithful to myself.. What then?


But, worry not. It's not all as grim as i just made it sound.. Work is erratic as usual, and soon i will be going on leave.. as usual. Exams are less than 2 months away and i haven't started doing much. Although this time, i am more determined to make progress than i have been for the longest time, to actually to my brains to use.

More than anything else, i have been a lot more grounded and at peace with my vagabond inner thoughts than i have been for the longest time, thanks to the GreenBoy.. poor bloke has a hard time of it though! :)


Aaaaaaaaand... how can i forget... it seems like the whole world and its mother is now aware of my relationship status, both sets of parents included. I am not sure whether the idea terrifies me or excites me more... Thankfully, after those constant initial discussions, things have sort of sunk in. For now.The next 2-3 months though, are going to be tough on both of us. Hopefully we will both get out with our sanity intact!

Confusion Galore!

In a very unsettled frame of mind. There's this restlessness that just can't be really expressed in words. There's so much uncertainty on so many fronts. My mind is in a constant state of flux. Where are we headed? What's going to be the final outcome? What's going to be the reaction? How different is the future going to be from the present as I know it? The tiny doubts, those questions that niggle me, bother me.. What about them? What can assuage them, quieten them? Why do I have this constant need for being calmed down, assured? Why does it feel like the slightest touch of hand (forget about a push or shove!) can make my castle of cards topple over? No matter the faith, the sense of security..that tiny doubt still remains. Can my partner in crime be counted on to stand up if and when required? Can I do so? What if we are not? Is that going to spell the end for this?


I think my dad knows me better than I have ever suspected. He doesn't want to influence my decisions by himself. But he wants me to see things for myself and see them reach their logical end, one way or the other. He doesn't want it to be his decision or mumma's decision because he doesn't want me to look back and wonder how it could have been. So neither has he gone out of his way to accept it, nor has he forthrightly refused it. He has given us, (not just me) some time to look at it from that perspective, for things to settle down, and not make up our minds in a hurry.. To take into account more factors than just how vehemently we feel and believe right now, and live with this kind of a realization instead of looking at only as things stand now. After all, when its a matter of forever, its not just what you feel, but how other things around you play along with those feelings.. Whether they take away from it, or add to it, whether you accept them or reject them.

But keeping everything else aside, what do you do, how do you respond, when apparently the only thing that might matter with respect to you, is the one aversion you have always had.. When you heard of the same thing being said to someone else, it made you wonder how could THAT be the sole basis of judging someone? Its the one thing that my parents always told me would be a point of concern with anyone, for whatever reasons. Something I always scoffed at. But now I HAVE to accept it. Probably that was the reason I never tried hard enough..because I always wondered if people's behavior towards me would change FOR THE BETTER only because of that one thing? And that question made me rebel against it, do the exact opposite. But I will do it. Not because I will bow down to the pressure on all fronts. I will do it because the one person who is the reason for all this and more, did not judge me for this. It never took away from anything. It never mattered enough to influence where we are right now. And everyone else is concerned, they who don't know me, what better grounds do they have to get that first impression? Isn't that how we are, when we see or get to know someone for the first time? And when we do figure them out, that's when we DO get to know them better.

Another reason is because I wanna make a statement to everyone around me.. 1) I can do it if I wish to, and 2) it still doesn't change the person I was or am.

LIFE, AS IS

Have you ever had those times when you have managed to convince yourself that you want something? That you will do something. That all it requires, is a single push from you. That you care about something or someone. That you are, somewhere in there, the same person that you were 8 years back.

... And then have you seen those false premises break in front of your very own eyes? Feel them desert you inside? The words that you use, sound hollow to your own ears. The negatives start overpowering the positives of an idea even before it has formulated completely, germinated. No matter how much, for what, or for who you cared, you realize they are NOT your responsibility? The change that others see and you feel, is permanent. That even if you were wiser, maturer, more focused and determined at the age of 17 than you are right now, it still IS you.

And it's okay. You haven't necessarily let go of yourself, but simply broadened your horizons beyond the familiar. You have allowed yourself to think and dream of things which you didn't, at that point. You have probably allowed yourself to be honest with yourself.

Some of these realizations make you happy, ecstatic even. Like the knowledge of letting go of the rotten egg in favor of a freshly baked bread loaf from the oven?

Others aren't quite so pleasant. Foremost among those, is the acknowledgement of the reasons for the lack of energy with respect to what you are doing with your life. It isn't your end goal. And you know it. And you can't fool yourself into convincing yourself to do something you don't even care for in the first place. The motivations, the driving forces will always desert you. But then there ARE reasons why you stick on, the major ones being...
1.  you have done this for so long, you are scared you don't know anything else.
2.  you can feel the confidence of your loved ones in you dwindle. People who once believed you to be unbeatable and your self confidence unshakable, are now forced to wonder if you can even just merely make it through.
3.  this one thing is bringing your life to a standstill. Everything else has been put to a stop. Life is going about in circles of those same 6 months, changing into each other. And you feel helpless, caught in the vicious circle.
4.  all things said and done, this IS a BRILLIANT all access pass into the corridors and areas you seek to explore and finally make your own. So why quit now, at the last leg?

Then you suddenly read something which reminds you of the dream you saw when you were but 15.. the one that motivated you to give it your EVERYTHING when you were but a child. The dream that you lost somewhere between all this, and forgot about... But you saw it again today. You saw it other people's eyes too, and saw them work for it. And it made you see...

And so, it SHALL be done. Maybe kind of slowly, but definitely.

PS- You know GM, i admire you so much.. your conviction, your belief, your passion. The way you refuse to give up. How you conquer your fears, face your demons instead of running from them like a coward. For being so unorthodox and willing to accept change, take up risks. And that too, so early on. I know i pick on you like crazy, but that doesn't take away from the fact that i respect what you wish to do, where you wish to go, and what are you doing for it.

SAP SOB MUSH MASH!

you make me smile, when all i wanna do is scream.
you make me laugh, when i simply wish to cry.
you calm me down, when i let nothing else work.
you show me sense, when my brain refuses to listen.

people around me saw something that i didn't. not immediately. and for once, they were right.

so many spend their lives chasing a mirage, stubbornly forcing themselves to see something that isn't really there, something that probably never was. and probably, maybe, shaayad.. so would have i...
had i not met you. and realized how it should be, what it really is.

and now i don't think i could ever have it any other way... :)

CONVERSATION BETWEEN MISS K AND HER C

FIND MY WAY

 Speak your mind to me again
Force your words to deep within
You try to tell me how you live
Now I see you everyday
I push I pull I run away
I'm sick and tired of living this way
Pictures moving in again
I turn around and it fades away
Now I realize it's all I got
Coz I've been waiting time after time
For the reasons in my mind
Coz I've been looking deep inside
To find my way in my life
And the words I try to find
Never seem to fall in time
And now I wonder if I could draw the line
Unfold the truths I seek within
Loneliness and mannequins
Rushing through the silver screen
Crash and burn I'm down and broken
To find my reason, find my way

LIFE, AS IT IS RIGHT NOW :)

Happy and content. Life has taken a 180 degree turn, and for the better, at least for the most part. I don't know how it all happened, all i know is, i am grateful to the forces that be.

The last few months have just reaffirmed by belief in the fact that so long as you are willing to fight, are stubborn, and refuse to give up on the ideals that YOU formed during the good times, you will sail through. Always.

There is just one thing that you need to do... hold onto hope, tight. not out of desperation, but as a belief that's beyond being challenged.

I am in a good place right now, have some great people around me, who love me (whether inspite of who i am or for who i am, i dare not say :S) and they make life wonderful. I can't thank god enough for them. Thank you, all of you, for being a part of my life.

A VERY ANGRY POST

There's something on my mind that I can't put across in coherent words. It does not distract me while i am busy with other things. However, the moment my brain is free for a minute or two, it goes right back on the topic. I wish G had never told me about it. It has just made my prejudice stronger, and my anger deeper. Ofcourse i'm not delving into it much, and consciously making an effort to keep all stray thoughts at bay. But anger is soon transforming into obsessive hatred.

The bitch of it is it affects people who are SO important to me... one, so naive and trusting.. the other, well, my backbone in so many ways.

Tell you what? I won't say a thing and ruin anything for anyone for now. I don't give a flying fuck about what stories you cook up about who, and how you bitch about one person to the other... But you have managed to involve 2 PEOPLE who mean the world to me! And IF it anyway affects or impacts the people in question, i am NOT gonna leave anyone out of it, no matter if it's relationships that have been nurtured for years. You CANNOT hurt one or take advantage of his goodness, nor can you spread stories about the other... AND get away with it.

THE SONG OF THE ROAD

Usually i love this time of the year. It somehow fills me with good cheer and this hope that good things are on their way.

But right now, it's annoying me. Why, you wonder? Well, because it's still making me feel the same. But unfortunately, reality, that bitch, has twisted its dagger deep in, the tip being coated with an overdose of realization, that's spreading through every bit of my body.

And you know what it's saying to me? It says,

                               "Welcome to the world of grown ups! I hope you have bid goodbye

to those days of childhood, where whims and fancies and hopes and wishes
all co existed? If not yet, then please do. Here, in our world, you are only allowed to do

and concentrate on what is required and expected of you. Once the choice is made, it can't be unmade.

No more will anyone laugh at your whims and wishes, or pass off your idealistic talks as harmless jabber, with that good natured shake of the head. No more will you be permitted to get distracted, without being considered directionless and wayward. The consequence and the price of detours is indeed heavy here. There's no going back without losing your way. Just keep walking straight, without any hope for respite.

The path might be monotonous, annoying, dreary, tiring and painful. It might periodically wear you down.

But you would be a fool to let yourself be bogged down by any of this. 

For when you do successfully walk down this road, the results shall be tremendous.

So think only of those."

I don't like this weather anymore. Where once it made me happy, now it suffocates me. Now it makes me feel as if my happiness is conditional to the successful walk down this road. Without completing it, i will always be stranded somewhere in the middle, always made to feel guilty for those little joys and stolen laughs...

MY LIFE, A (FAIRY ??) TALE

Sometimes it seems like life is an ongoing novel. One that never seems to end. At times, it's a  pacey page turner. At others, it's a dreary old song. Unfortunately, unlike a paperback (or a hardbound book for that matter), you can't skip pages. You have to sit through the interesting and not so interesting bits. And have the patience to go through it, page by page. Patience.. Oh God, the patience!

It's a story, a narrative, a history, being written or narrated every second of the day. It's a play, being performed day after day, everyday. But.... without a script, without a cue card, without a director, without a backspace/delete key.

Some might argue there is The Almighty, directing us all. Others might say there IS no God. Whether He exists or not, it's a no brainer. We do. We breathe, we eat, we sleep, we walk, we run, we laugh, we cry, we love, we give, we take, we hurt..............

And then, the page turns, the day ends... and the plot changes once again.

But have any of you ever wondered how sometimes, JUST SOMETIMES, our own lives take a 360 degree turn. That the script, though it remains the same, the characters suddenly change. It's the same story, the same theme, the same script, the same lines.... But the characters reverse, their dialogues get exchanged, what they are required to emote, gets exchanged.

THE STORM

There's a dark solitary road infront of her,
Lined with huge dense trees on either side,
Partly illuminated by the light of the crescent moon that shines from behind grey clouds,
Towering giants, standing on either side, caging her, intimidating her.
She has been running, long and hard.
She is out of breath and thirsty, tired and hungry.
But none of this registers right now, now of that matters right now.
Her little body is writhing with pain, shaking with sobs.
There's a dread setting in, a fear, that's terrifying her.
She can't breathe, she can't think.
All she wants, is to get back to her home, where she feels safe.
But she is lost.
When she started off, she was confident she could make it.
But for the dreaded storm this night...
It made her run for cover, anywhere that she could go.
Now, she is directionless once more, lost once again...

11 AM- upbeat and rearing to go.
1.30 PM- want to shoot half the world. strangle the rest.

SUFFOCATED! ANNOYED! HYPER! HORMONAL! TICKED OFF PISSED OFF CHEESED OFF!
i need to breathe... i need to breathe in some fresh air. i want to feel whole. not as fragmented and fragile as i feel right now. but i DON'T KNOW what to do about it! except cry in anguish, shout at people, and throw things around.

i think i'll go and take a cold shower. that should clear my head, even if it makes my teeth chatter. :|

ANOTHER RAMBLE... ;)

There is a lot of shit happening in my life at the moment. I don't have a minute to give to myself. Something or the other keeps going wrong. As always, there's some confusion or the other around me. There are days when i can't stop cribbing about the unfairness of this and that, of how annoying he is, or what a pain she is.

But if you were to ask me if i would do things any differently from the way i have chosen to do them, if i would want to change anything, my answer would be a negative. I like where i am right now.. By no means does it mean that i am satisfied with how things are, and am content with my lot. No. It simply means, the small things amiss here and there do not take away from the sense of looking forward.

Till a few days back, everything seemed so dark and bleak. But now, in my weird typical way, i have decided to deal with it. And by deal with it, i mean not paying special attention to these ups and downs, by simply facing things one at a time, as they come up, instead of sitting and crying about them. Ofcourse i crib, all the bloody time, but then again, that's a part of the game, isn't it? Doesn't mean i am going to go and hide for eternity, no sir! And well, a lot of credit for all this goes to the amazing people around me... my dear baby sister who annoys the crap out of me most of the time but is always ALWAYS there, Alokick (that immensely patient man.. God bless you! lol), Reeeeeshu (you lanky typical boy uncle, you baniya businessman, you!), E (the lady with all the solutions), Geeko (even your name says you're an ass at most times :P ), Kuki (that slightly off her rocker but adorable to death woman,with the most incredible spiritual-mature-nutcase balance lol)....... whenever i feel blue, these people ensure that even if my shoulders might momentarily droop, my chin stays up and the smile doesn't disappear for too long. Sigh. Where would i be without you people.

PS - it's just another random ramble, and probably won't make much sense. But i just felt like typing all this. And well, my space and all that, you know!  ;)

ME AND MURPHY... AGAIN!

So the D-Day came and went... and brought nothing new to offer to me. Except probably, just another lesson in perseverance. The worst bit? Finding it out in the presence of 50-60 odd people, AFTER an announcement in the newspaper. what's with the Institute and suddenly media frenzy anyway?!

Ah well.. we shall come to that bridge soon enough. Not as if i am getting away from it anytime soon! Anyway..
the wedding is done with. Quite wonderful last 3 days, except for that dark spot yesterday.
And now... it's close to the time for our Act! And i need to get everything in order to ensure everything falls in place, or else, we are gonna be NOWHERE! Plus, you can't really build up expectations all around, and then do nothing about it. Just not cool man, just not cool. Heh.

Moreover, it helps keep me busy and distracted. He (i.e. the one above) doesn't give me much to thank Him for these days, but... THANK GOD FOR SMALL MERCIES! 

WHAT'S UP, K ?!

The dawn is breaking

A light shining through

You're barely waking

And I'm tangled up in you

Yeah.. 

there are about a hundred reasons for me to be writing a blogpost... but but BUT... i FINALLY have a new journal, which obviously gets priority! i had, i think for MONTHS now, been going on and on about how i needed one. i think i pretty much chewed people's ears off, going on about it. hahaha! a funny thing though- i hadn't written anything in it till last night. ah well.. that is taken care of.

Anyway, a quick update on what keeps me busy these days-

• my parents' 25th Anniversary preparations which include a lot of planning on my behalf, trying to devise every possible way of making a fool of myself in front of everyone, ESPECIALLY the ones i invite. -headdesk-
• this stupid annoying client, which seems never ending, the work being so scattered, manually maintained records, absent supervisors, absent entry passes, absent escorts, absent cars and wottnottt!
• now, if i am talking of work, how can i NOT mention my delightful coworker. she's a right ray of sunshine, that one! i can't stop talking about her! ask A, D and E! -heh heh heh-
• this never ending cough. it's my winter mistress. doesn't let go of me through the season. it does go a little dormant once in a while, but never EVER leaves me be!
• this, though occupies my mind every waking (and sleeping!) moment, it's something i like to talk about the least. the word in question starts with 'R' and ends with a 'T'. the intelligent ones won't take too long to figure, am guessing!
• and ofcourse, some random thoughts which keep occupying my mind off and on, which make me wanna go back under the blanket and never come out. lol

so yeah, my little list, a sort of answer to the title question!

PS- i might have got my journal, but we are STILL going journal shopping! now that i have started, mine won't last too long anyway... ;)

A CONVERSATION BETWEEN MISS K AND HER C- 3

Hold not your anger within you, for not only does it spoil the memory of that which is precious to you and inside you and yours to cherish; it also poisons the future. It spoils that which is yet to come, embitters and affects the sweetest of dispositions, leaving behind nought but a shadow of that which was once unique.

The memories are yours, the pain is yours. Let the memories bring a smile on those lips when a frown clouds that bow; let the pain make you stronger and prepare you for that which is yet to come.

You are but a projection of all that resides within, whether good or bad. That which lives in there, in the depths of your being, warms the blood that flows in your veins. That blood warms the mind and the thoughts that it shields. The mind warms the brain that thinks, hence brightening all that you believe and all that you are.

Trust. Believe. Love. Give. Forgive. Feel. Emote.
Show.
Cherish.
And once your work is done, once there is nothing left to look forward to, move on.
Leave the regrets behind. Leave the pain of parting behind. Think of what is to come. So many more to meet, so much more to see.
The world, this universe, its mysteries.. They're unfathomable. There's so much to see! So much to feel! The tangible..the intangible.

Your dreams,when you dreamt them, were bigger, brighter. Never put reigns on them, not for anything, not for anyone. Even when they seem difficult to attain. The more difficult they are, the more determined you ought to be.

Don't hold back. Don't hold it in. Let the imagination soar to the hitherto undiscovered heights. Once their, open your eyes. Get on your feet and get going. To start working to make those dreams happen..