Turning unfaithful..

To all of you who have been visiting my blog over all these years.. thank you. thank you for making me feel that there was something that i have been doing for more than a decade now (!!) that did have some meaning. Believe it or not, the thought that i have been read by so many of you, that there are people who though might not have been following me, have still looked up my blog and read what i wrote, gave me so much confidence, words can't express it.

However, i feel that after all these years, i am finally ready for something new. So i am shifting my blog to wordpress.com. It's still not my own domain yet, i know, but someday soon i promise. Till then, please DO keep reading my thoughts, becoming a part of my world, and show some love on the new blog! My new blog's name is Random Thoughts (big surprise, that lol!), and the URL is https://kritzmat.wordpress.com/ .

Please continue to visit the new page, and do share your thoughts, your opinions with me through your comments. Continue to share with me what resonates with you, what you like, or even what you don't.

So long, Blogspot! Thank you for having given me this beautiful outlet for my thoughts and feelings. You will always be my first :)

IF I COULD (By Maurice Yvonne)

if i could, 

 i'd wish a magic wand.

 if i could,

 i would build dreams

 brick by brick 

 the kind

 one could hang on to

 one could live in.

 if i could, 

 imagine

 upside down 

 rainbows 

 so the sky 

 baby blue

 would look as if

 it was smiling. 

 my bestest hope

 wipe away the tears from

 the hungry 

 the abused 

the sickly children

 and elderly. 

 this first, 

fore all else,

 yes the children and the elderly. 

if i could, 

 replace every tear with a smile 

 a hug

 a tickle 

if i could, 

snap my fingers make money obsolete,  

plenty for everybody to share.

clap my hands medical care everywhere would be there.

in my heart, live dried out tears.

there, i hear the pulse of our planet. 

so many good people, 

people who care.

there's a black venom 

such a small dose 

affects the masses. 

if i could,

supply all with the antidote.

if i could, 

i would build an arc 

sail 'till the world was cleansed 

move in with everyone 

on one land. 

call it OURS. 

yes definitely OURS. 

i like that name. 

i can't. 

i can't do all those things. 

i can kiss where it hurts. 

 give hugs freely. 

 give what possessions, 

 i can do without, 

 share my physical wealth. 

i fear nothing. 

 least of all poverty 

 happy to share what i can. 

i can offer you my love 

love comes easy to me. 

it never feels like enough. 

but i am here, arms wide open. 

tell me what is it you need, how can i help. 

i love you, unconditionally.

[I came across this poem on this website called Poetry Soup. It was so raw, so beautiful i couldn't help but re post it here. Whoever you are Yvonne, know that your words resonate with me, and affect me like things haven't in a long long while. You are one beautiful soul, whoever you are.

The original link where i found this poem is: https://www.poetrysoup.com/poem/if_i_could_625737 ]

Two people who give up on their own comfort and pleasures, just to ensure that you have everything you want for. That you are protected and sheltered. They might not indulge you and your whims on the face of it, or encourage you to buy those big brands, but when you need that money for a reason, it WILL be there, without even a second thought, and only God knows from where! They are like your emergency credit card. For themselves, they will think, and think thrice, before they buy anything. But for you, they always want to make sure that you have what you want, even if they do try and exercise a little bit of rationality while looking at the tags. Oh yeah, they will negotiate even the smallest rise in your pocket money/allowance. But i believe that's just a ploy to help you become a better negotiator haha! Oops.. just realized i haven't specifically mentioned i am talking about parents. Then again, who could have assumed otherwise, reading what i have written thus far, heh.

But what happens when you grow up and aren't really dependent upon them for all your whims and fancies? Oh sure, you talk about independence and our rights and their duties and individual choice. But how do you REALLY strike a balance with all these things, and a genuine feeling that you are what you are because of them and their small sacrifices over these many years? Do you continue to be okay with how they still treat you like the young one, looking out for you, trying to advise you about things, telling you what's best for you and what isn't good for you at all, protecting you and sheltering you? Or do you simply shout and fight, trying to exercise the good ol' "my life, my choice!" right? How do you ensure that you become an independent, open minded, confident individual who doesn't depend on them for his or her needs, without becoming a stranger to them and breaking their heart?

I am 27 and still struggling to figure THAT one out! It would be nice to know what others think as well! ;)

SOMETHING ABOUT LIFE..

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you, no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain't gonna have a life."

Sylvester Stallone, Rocky Balboa

AS TIME GOES BY...

Lyrics to one of my favorite tracks of all times, along with the video (of course, the video doesn't include the prelude)..

Prelude

This day and age we're living in
Gives cause for apprehension
With speed and new invention
And things like fourth dimension.

Yet we get a trifle weary
With Mr. Einstein's theory.
So we must get down to earth at times
Relax relieve the tension

And no matter what the progress
Or what may yet be proved
The simple facts of life are such
They cannot be removed.

Main Song

You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh.
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by.

And when two lovers woo
They still say, "I love you."
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings
As time goes by.

Moonlight and love songs
Never out of date.
Hearts full of passion
Jealousy and hate.
Woman needs man
And man must have his mate
That no one can deny.

It's still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die.
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.

Oh yes, the world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.

LOST MY HAPPY PLACE..

Broken, disturbed, frustrated, tired. Reached that point of saturation. Even a mosquito seems to have a more ambitious, a more purposeful life than I do. I'm hurting so bad right now, I don't know what to do or who to turn to. Everyone is busy with their lives, has their own set of worries. How can I go to them for answers to questions that are half evolved in my own head? Things seem so desperate that I, one who has never believed in self help books, thought I might find an answer in this book I came across today, Finding A Purpose In Life. But sadly, that hasn't been of use either thus far.

Forget that level of satisfaction, I am not even close to deciphering the path to it. Everything, every aspect of life seems to be coming undone- professional, academic and personal. I don't know what's going on in any aspect of my life. There's so much confusion with respect to everything! I feel like a pendulum, oscillating between despair and optimism.

I just want to get away from everything, everyone, cut myself off.. Or cut off those various pieces of me that are attached to these various aspects.. I just want to close my ears to the cacophony, put on my rose tinted glasses and go into a world where everything is fine and sorted and where I can be happy.

THERE ARE NO GHOSTS BUT THOSE THAT YOUR VISION OFT CONJURES...

I am in the middle of my studies, but so strongly struck by something that i can't help but type here and let things flow...

I can't believe what an idiot i was for the longest time! I can't believe i was intimidated by something so stupid, by someone so... ordinary (for the lack of a better word) and regarding something so baseless and pointless!

And it has taken almost 3 and a half years for the realization to sink in, for me to realize all this. What i ran after was all in my head. Now, when i know myself better, when my head is clearer, when i actually have something which is worth fighting for, i now wonder what was it that i saw at that point that made me fight as long as i did. More than what it really was, it became all about how i WANTED it to be, wanted things to be. And the leverage i gave it, made it bigger than reality. An exaggerated though half baked premise. I don't know how or why i stayed for as long as i did.. but i guess if i hadn't, i would have never known really what it was that i really wanted, as compared to what i THOUGHT i did.

And none of it would have been possible without that one presence that made me see the difference between the two. And it's a funny feeling, to realize that all this while, what you confused for something so huge, was nothing but a result of perceived ideal scenarios and an overdose of drama and emotions.
My friends, those blessed souls, and my baby sister... they all saw and understood and tried everything they could to make me understand, see things as clearly as i do now. But to no avail.

But i guess, it was meant to be the way it turned out to be. It's like pieces of a puzzle falling into right slots after multiple attempts.

And it's things like these which make me appreciate what i now have, even more. If that phase of my life taught what i DIDN'T want from life, this one teaches me everyday what i do want. And every realization is a new revelation... :)

BLANK

Where words fail, silence might just prevail.

Maybe the constant expression of thoughts and opinions isn't the best thing to do after all. Maybe distance, silence, space, time pose the same questions better and alongside procure their answers too.

The questions, though pertinent, may not always obtain the best answers after all. What are words after all, when they don't mean the same thing to everyone involved. How will the answers be forthcoming when the questions are not understood the same way.

Time.. Patience.. Distance.. Detachment..

Potpourri...

This post has been a while coming. I don't know why I haven't written for so long.. Maybe its because I've had a lot on my plate, maybe nothing noteworthy has happened that needed to be chronicled.. Or maybe I've just forgotten the art of stringing words together.. Even now I don't have anything specific to write about, just this wish to once again see my thoughts appear in words.. To sort them as I type them..

What's my current state of mind? I can't really understand. Its a thought potpourri.. And my emotions, a forest on fire. There's so much in my head, yet its so difficult to put it together coherently.. But I guess it would be safe to say that I'm kind of discontented with my lot. Because where I am right now, is nowhere close to where I'd like to be.. I want to be free, soar high, not be bound my limits or restrictions.. I want to see the world, and what all it has to offer me. I don't want to be tied down to things or people, with obligations and duties, with the dos and don'ts... I want to travel, try different cuisines, write, meet new people, work with people, FOR people..

The world is limitless and boundless.. it has so much to offer, to teach, to feel, to accommodate. So how can confining ourselves to our safe spots be justified? Doesn't it fill any of you with this unquenchable thirst to see, to experience, to feel, to learn?

I haven't lived my purpose in life yet.. I feel like I haven't done anything that I was meant to do, this far. Every day when I get up, this feeling of dissatisfaction niggles. Its not the people, its not my surroundings.. Its the role I'm being expected to play, forced to play, to fit within the set parameters that makes me restless. I am living in direct conflict of my very nature.. So how can I be completely truly satisfied? Is it any wonder that I feel so lost and out of my depth? If I wish to play by the rules, do what everyone expects out of me, I could.. But that would mean I'm denying my very nature, that in trying to be dutiful towards others, I'm being unfaithful to myself.. What then?


But, worry not. It's not all as grim as i just made it sound.. Work is erratic as usual, and soon i will be going on leave.. as usual. Exams are less than 2 months away and i haven't started doing much. Although this time, i am more determined to make progress than i have been for the longest time, to actually to my brains to use.

More than anything else, i have been a lot more grounded and at peace with my vagabond inner thoughts than i have been for the longest time, thanks to the GreenBoy.. poor bloke has a hard time of it though! :)


Aaaaaaaaand... how can i forget... it seems like the whole world and its mother is now aware of my relationship status, both sets of parents included. I am not sure whether the idea terrifies me or excites me more... Thankfully, after those constant initial discussions, things have sort of sunk in. For now.The next 2-3 months though, are going to be tough on both of us. Hopefully we will both get out with our sanity intact!

EVERY POST DOESN'T ALWAYS NEED A TITLE

The quiet stand, taking every blow silently. Slowly distancing themselves from all they care about.. and the world watches, unaware.
It's like the weight of the world has been placed on those shoulders. Every trouble felt so keenly and acutely, it can't be put into words. And it's not only the burden of the sorrow felt by self, but also a realization and pain on seeing those who are close, go through troubled times.
Feigned indifference is a way, negating the pain is a way. Putting it all in a box, somewhere at the back of the mind, away from conscious self till the time it has to be brought out due to compulsion is a way.

It breaks me to see. I wish i could do something to make it better. I wish i could make all the pain disappear instead. If i could, i'd do anything to keep you from all this. But since i can't, i'll do the next best thing- give you your space, while ensuring am always around.

But always remember..
there is no second you, no one comes close. no one can care so much. probably it exasperates me at times but also amazes me at the same time. you surprise me. and you win my admiration every time.

Confusion Galore!

In a very unsettled frame of mind. There's this restlessness that just can't be really expressed in words. There's so much uncertainty on so many fronts. My mind is in a constant state of flux. Where are we headed? What's going to be the final outcome? What's going to be the reaction? How different is the future going to be from the present as I know it? The tiny doubts, those questions that niggle me, bother me.. What about them? What can assuage them, quieten them? Why do I have this constant need for being calmed down, assured? Why does it feel like the slightest touch of hand (forget about a push or shove!) can make my castle of cards topple over? No matter the faith, the sense of security..that tiny doubt still remains. Can my partner in crime be counted on to stand up if and when required? Can I do so? What if we are not? Is that going to spell the end for this?


I think my dad knows me better than I have ever suspected. He doesn't want to influence my decisions by himself. But he wants me to see things for myself and see them reach their logical end, one way or the other. He doesn't want it to be his decision or mumma's decision because he doesn't want me to look back and wonder how it could have been. So neither has he gone out of his way to accept it, nor has he forthrightly refused it. He has given us, (not just me) some time to look at it from that perspective, for things to settle down, and not make up our minds in a hurry.. To take into account more factors than just how vehemently we feel and believe right now, and live with this kind of a realization instead of looking at only as things stand now. After all, when its a matter of forever, its not just what you feel, but how other things around you play along with those feelings.. Whether they take away from it, or add to it, whether you accept them or reject them.

But keeping everything else aside, what do you do, how do you respond, when apparently the only thing that might matter with respect to you, is the one aversion you have always had.. When you heard of the same thing being said to someone else, it made you wonder how could THAT be the sole basis of judging someone? Its the one thing that my parents always told me would be a point of concern with anyone, for whatever reasons. Something I always scoffed at. But now I HAVE to accept it. Probably that was the reason I never tried hard enough..because I always wondered if people's behavior towards me would change FOR THE BETTER only because of that one thing? And that question made me rebel against it, do the exact opposite. But I will do it. Not because I will bow down to the pressure on all fronts. I will do it because the one person who is the reason for all this and more, did not judge me for this. It never took away from anything. It never mattered enough to influence where we are right now. And everyone else is concerned, they who don't know me, what better grounds do they have to get that first impression? Isn't that how we are, when we see or get to know someone for the first time? And when we do figure them out, that's when we DO get to know them better.

Another reason is because I wanna make a statement to everyone around me.. 1) I can do it if I wish to, and 2) it still doesn't change the person I was or am.

SAP SOB MUSH MASH!

you make me smile, when all i wanna do is scream.
you make me laugh, when i simply wish to cry.
you calm me down, when i let nothing else work.
you show me sense, when my brain refuses to listen.

people around me saw something that i didn't. not immediately. and for once, they were right.

so many spend their lives chasing a mirage, stubbornly forcing themselves to see something that isn't really there, something that probably never was. and probably, maybe, shaayad.. so would have i...
had i not met you. and realized how it should be, what it really is.

and now i don't think i could ever have it any other way... :)

THANK YOU!

It's been a while since i have posted anything much on this blog. Well, let me correct myself... a while since i WROTE something and posted here. I think it has got something to do with my emotional quotient, my writing. I write best when i feel strongly.. when emotions overpower me and it feels like i will burst if i don't give them a medium to flow through. Perhaps that's why it appears so effortless, as some people tell me. And if there isn't anything that's overwhelming me, or upsetting me, when that equilibrium is maintained, i usually don't pick up a pen for all it results in, is wasted paper or wasted space.

But let's not deviate any further. I shall refrain from elaborating on my skills any further.

The reason i am writing this post, is to thank my nameless reader(s). I know it sounds horribly snooty, the fact that i am writing this post at all, but there ARE some people spread around the globe, who look up my blog daily, googling a certain post to navigate to this page. from India, Russia, USA mainly.  Thanks to you amd your interest, my blog views have crossed 8800..

Thank you.  :)

Hope i am able to keep you engrossed for ages to come! ;)

CONVERSATION BETWEEN MISS K AND HER C

FIND MY WAY

 Speak your mind to me again
Force your words to deep within
You try to tell me how you live
Now I see you everyday
I push I pull I run away
I'm sick and tired of living this way
Pictures moving in again
I turn around and it fades away
Now I realize it's all I got
Coz I've been waiting time after time
For the reasons in my mind
Coz I've been looking deep inside
To find my way in my life
And the words I try to find
Never seem to fall in time
And now I wonder if I could draw the line
Unfold the truths I seek within
Loneliness and mannequins
Rushing through the silver screen
Crash and burn I'm down and broken
To find my reason, find my way

DAM EET!

Very often people tell me it amazes them how completely and utterly capable i am of detaching myself from things and people. 'Emotionally healthy' is the phrase they like to use. They are surprised as to how easily i move on beyond a point of time... how, something that was like oxygen to me less than a year ago, is absolutely of no consequence at all anymore. Of how when i say "I have moved on", i really truly mean it.

But it makes me wonder... and wondering about it makes me sad. I wonder because i don't see what's so unusual about it. And it makes me sad because i feel bad for them.. Bad that they stop themselves from feeling anything and everything completely, in its entirety... whether it's happiness or sorrow.

Why negate what defines you? Why try and convince yourself that you don't hurt real bad when you it feels you couldn't take it anymore... why not exude happiness when you feel it, with the fear that you might jinx it?

Have you ever seen a dam, the way it holds back the flow of a water body? Have you seen what happens when it gets old, when the constant pressure wears it down? It develops cracks, and slowly breaks down. And rebuilding it is a task that seldom succeeds to give cent per cent result.

LIFE, AS IT IS RIGHT NOW :)

Happy and content. Life has taken a 180 degree turn, and for the better, at least for the most part. I don't know how it all happened, all i know is, i am grateful to the forces that be.

The last few months have just reaffirmed by belief in the fact that so long as you are willing to fight, are stubborn, and refuse to give up on the ideals that YOU formed during the good times, you will sail through. Always.

There is just one thing that you need to do... hold onto hope, tight. not out of desperation, but as a belief that's beyond being challenged.

I am in a good place right now, have some great people around me, who love me (whether inspite of who i am or for who i am, i dare not say :S) and they make life wonderful. I can't thank god enough for them. Thank you, all of you, for being a part of my life.

MY LIFE, A (FAIRY ??) TALE

Sometimes it seems like life is an ongoing novel. One that never seems to end. At times, it's a  pacey page turner. At others, it's a dreary old song. Unfortunately, unlike a paperback (or a hardbound book for that matter), you can't skip pages. You have to sit through the interesting and not so interesting bits. And have the patience to go through it, page by page. Patience.. Oh God, the patience!

It's a story, a narrative, a history, being written or narrated every second of the day. It's a play, being performed day after day, everyday. But.... without a script, without a cue card, without a director, without a backspace/delete key.

Some might argue there is The Almighty, directing us all. Others might say there IS no God. Whether He exists or not, it's a no brainer. We do. We breathe, we eat, we sleep, we walk, we run, we laugh, we cry, we love, we give, we take, we hurt..............

And then, the page turns, the day ends... and the plot changes once again.

But have any of you ever wondered how sometimes, JUST SOMETIMES, our own lives take a 360 degree turn. That the script, though it remains the same, the characters suddenly change. It's the same story, the same theme, the same script, the same lines.... But the characters reverse, their dialogues get exchanged, what they are required to emote, gets exchanged.

EDGE OF THE OCEAN

There's a place I dream about
Where the sun never goes out.
And the sky is deep and blue.
Won't you take me there with you.

Ohhh, we can begin again.
Shed our skin, let the sun shine in.
At the edge of the ocean
We can start over again.

There's a world I've always known
Somewhere far away from home.
When I close my eyes I see
All the space and mystery.

Ohhh, we can begin again.
Shed our skin, let the sun shine in.
At the edge of the ocean
We can start over again.

...AND IT'S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR AGAIN! :)

a year that started on a horrible note... the first of january.. the date is etched in my memory forever. felt as if the things ending on a horrible note that would govern the rest of the year..
and maybe it did, but not everything... :)

the year in which i failed, and failed again, when i disappointed myself, disappointed so many others..
the year in which i hit the bottom of that U again, and painfully crawled my way out of, all the time feeling how it would be infinitely easier to simply rot there..
the year where i lost all belief- in myself, in Him, in everything. when the words 'motivation', 'willpower', 'trust'  and 'strength' went out of my vocabulary..
the year in which people who were closest to me hurt me, changed me and transformed me forever, a period during which i believed we could never be the same again.

...the year in which i fought my demons, by myself, time and again..
the year i learnt how to forgive, how to let slights pass, how not to let one off things affect my relationships.
the year in which i realized how much emotionally stronger and self dependent i was than most..
the year when i came across so many new and wonderful people, found how unlike yet alike we were..
the year my trust and faith in Him were shaken, then reaffirmed..
the year when, in spite of mental exhaustion, burnout, lack of motivation, i didn't give up..
the year i met someone wonderful, and realized it's okay to trust and depend on someone occasionally.

A year in which i both lost and found myself..

i can't believe it's already coming to an end. so much has happened in these 12 months, yet it feels like just a few days.
it's been good and bad... wonderful and not quite. met some people, lost some people. certain new equations were built, and some old ones lost their sheen. but hopefully the new ones will be able to evolve and stand the test of time and uncertainty.. and old ones won't be lost forever. hopefully soon enough, it will be possible to put the complications and anger aside, and start over on a clean slate.

as for the new year that swiftly approaches, the feelings are quite nicely captured in these lines by Christina Rossetti.. 

New Year coming on apace
What have you to give me?
Bring you scathe, or bring you grace,
Face me with an honest face;
You shall not deceive me:
Be it good or ill, be it what you will,
It needs shall help me on my road,
My rugged way to heaven, please God.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, WORLD! hope it brings you good cheer, good luck and everything that you hope for and work towards.

TRAAAAAAA LA LA

something has changed.
can't quite figure where.
can't quite figure how.
can't put a finger on it.
but it's somewhere inside me.
i guess it is about what D said.
only after that first bite you know what you were missing.
and well, i am HAPPY!
if i could write poetry, if it came as naturally to me as prose,
i would fill pages in expressing myself.

heh. heh heh.