At some point in life, there comes a time when you start evaluating something which was a given for all this while. When people around you, closest to you, start reading too much into everything you say. When they start making assumptions and presumptions based on a prejudiced premise. Where everything you say is like a nail in your coffin. When a habit of yours, 

SOMETHING IS DEFINITELY WRONG WITH YOU!

You... Yes, YOU. The one reading this post right now. Who cannot get two sentences straight in your mother tongue. You, who looks at it as something to be proud about. You wish to learn Spanish, Greek, German, French, Arabic, Italian... MANDARIN!

You, who has never stepped beyond the ten mile radius of your backyard, tells me that we need to learn from America and Europe (for GOD'S SAKE!!) how to run this country?

You, who refuses to use even 10% of his brain to figure something out, and tells me to cram the portions that i don't understand in my syllabus, have the audacity to blame the education system ALONE for the lack of opportunities that come your way.

You, who sniggers behind the napkin every time someone fumbles with a knife and a fork, secretly asks me if toilet paper is soluble in water.

Oh, and how i could i forget the 'agents of change'.. the ones who join Anna Hazare's chorus at the drop of a hat, and then, proudly tell me how they managed to get away from a Rs. 1000 fine by paying Rs. 300 to the traffic cop.

And then you spam the social media about how everything is going to the dogs. When was the last time you looked yourself in the mirror in the eye, while saying those things out loud?

You say you would have been better off had you been born in some other country? So would this country, i say.

CONVERSATION BETWEEN MISS K AND HER C

FIND MY WAY

 Speak your mind to me again
Force your words to deep within
You try to tell me how you live
Now I see you everyday
I push I pull I run away
I'm sick and tired of living this way
Pictures moving in again
I turn around and it fades away
Now I realize it's all I got
Coz I've been waiting time after time
For the reasons in my mind
Coz I've been looking deep inside
To find my way in my life
And the words I try to find
Never seem to fall in time
And now I wonder if I could draw the line
Unfold the truths I seek within
Loneliness and mannequins
Rushing through the silver screen
Crash and burn I'm down and broken
To find my reason, find my way

DAM EET!

Very often people tell me it amazes them how completely and utterly capable i am of detaching myself from things and people. 'Emotionally healthy' is the phrase they like to use. They are surprised as to how easily i move on beyond a point of time... how, something that was like oxygen to me less than a year ago, is absolutely of no consequence at all anymore. Of how when i say "I have moved on", i really truly mean it.

But it makes me wonder... and wondering about it makes me sad. I wonder because i don't see what's so unusual about it. And it makes me sad because i feel bad for them.. Bad that they stop themselves from feeling anything and everything completely, in its entirety... whether it's happiness or sorrow.

Why negate what defines you? Why try and convince yourself that you don't hurt real bad when you it feels you couldn't take it anymore... why not exude happiness when you feel it, with the fear that you might jinx it?

Have you ever seen a dam, the way it holds back the flow of a water body? Have you seen what happens when it gets old, when the constant pressure wears it down? It develops cracks, and slowly breaks down. And rebuilding it is a task that seldom succeeds to give cent per cent result.

SHEKH MA SHIERAKI ANNI

It's a strange strange feeling... when you suddenly start feeling not only your own emotions, but someone else's as well. When what they think, feel, want, like, don't like is felt as acutely as if it was you going through all those emotions. When every slight that comes their way, when every harsh word that is said to them and pains them, makes you cry out in pain as well. When you are anxious about them, when you can feel their unsettled thoughts, feel the restlessness even when you are not with them. When the shouts hidden behind their silences deafen you.

It's a strange feeling, to feel all this and more. To feel for 2 people. I thought i had experienced it before, been through this before. But i apparently haven't. Because if i had, it would not be surprising me the way it IS surprising me right now. It would not have been this difficult for me to understand as to what's going on.

I don't even know for sure whether all of this is a figment of my imagination, or whether it's actually felt this way.

All i know is, i feel that someone i would give my right hand for, is terribly hurt. Probably his pain is subsiding, but mine isn't, and won't, till i have in some way seen his subside.

I wish the process of catharsis was begin soon, i wish he would be able to heal soon. I wish whatever it is, is not strong enough to spoil an age old relationship. I hope that, with all the anger and the pent up emotions that are so easily misleading everyone, sense does prevail, and stops them from undoing everything based on fickle premises.

I wish the silent would speak and help the ones around them understand as to what pains them. I wish the ones who ARE talking, would pay some heed to the one they have injured. I wish the ones who are injured would turn back and notice whether the ones who they perceive as the reason for their pain, isn't bleeding himself.

SIGH. IF ONLY I HAD WISHED FOR WORLD PEACE. That would have been so much easier to understand.

I'M YOURS

Well you've done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing, we're just one big family
It's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure

There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Do you want to, come on, scootch over closer dear
And I will nibble your ear

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and I laughed
I guess what I'll be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
so please don't, please don't, please don't.
There's no need to complicate
'cause our time is short
This oh, this oh, this is our fate, I'm yours

LIFE, AS IT IS RIGHT NOW :)

Happy and content. Life has taken a 180 degree turn, and for the better, at least for the most part. I don't know how it all happened, all i know is, i am grateful to the forces that be.

The last few months have just reaffirmed by belief in the fact that so long as you are willing to fight, are stubborn, and refuse to give up on the ideals that YOU formed during the good times, you will sail through. Always.

There is just one thing that you need to do... hold onto hope, tight. not out of desperation, but as a belief that's beyond being challenged.

I am in a good place right now, have some great people around me, who love me (whether inspite of who i am or for who i am, i dare not say :S) and they make life wonderful. I can't thank god enough for them. Thank you, all of you, for being a part of my life.

HAUNTED...

by memories and faces,
images and places.
the pain and confusion,
the mirage and delusion.
everything is plain as light.
yet, the constant fight.
a dream, a song.
where do i now belong?
an image of me, enraptured
 was once upon a time captured,
 in the echelons of the heart.
yet, how did we still part?
a substitute, a mere device, was how.
all grievances leading to the row.
today a new dream, a vision exemplary.
yet, the treacherous heart insists to the contrary.
 is it a truth half revealed,
or is it just the past, forever sealed?
the constant cacophonous imagined noise.
the phantoms with their icy poise.
those empty black eyes awide,
what do they still try and hide.
a chain of thought, oh so jumbled;
manifested in an exterior so rumpled.
a look a thought, all for nought;
a simple tardy chain of thought.

[Disclaimer : This is something i wrote ages ago. Words came to me of their own, and for once i didn't really put much mind to the phrases.. And the reason you see it up here, now, is because i quite like it..]

TODAY IS ANOTHER DAY..

it's almost 4 in the morning, and sleep evades me still.
there's not much on my mind.
perhaps a little bit of regret... not for having missed the bus this time,
but for the innumerable times before this.
this time i wasn't ready, i know.
this time i didn't kid myself, i know.
but i still can't fathom as to what went wrong, these past few years.
how did i lose the plot, where did i slip, when did i go weak.
ah well, no matter now.
not anymore, not again.
the images are vivid once again,
the willingness returning,
determination finally setting in.

[THE TITLE COMES HERE]

One minute i was sitting there, reading the literature on Anti Competitive Agreements as per the Competition Act... and the next i am here. Its been a while. And i couldn't resist.
But i don't really have anything to say. At all.

Just that, i feel like a bird that is about to take flight. Tomorrow.

Funny, considering this bird is still going to feel equally shackled a week later on.
Her flight is short, the distance measured, the way it has been for all these years.
But... every mirage of captivity that she creates around her bi annually,
Leaves her feeling elated when that period of ostracism and deemed imprisonment ends.
And the beginning of that bubble is usually an extended dream of the days, months and years to come.
Visions of unrestricted flights, of innumerable sights, of little delights.