My mind is a jungle of thoughts these days... so much in my head, and yet nothing to be put down on the paper. I wish to run, hide. I wish to step out in the sun and play (when the sun deems to shine of course!)

EVERY POST DOESN'T ALWAYS NEED A TITLE

The quiet stand, taking every blow silently. Slowly distancing themselves from all they care about.. and the world watches, unaware.
It's like the weight of the world has been placed on those shoulders. Every trouble felt so keenly and acutely, it can't be put into words. And it's not only the burden of the sorrow felt by self, but also a realization and pain on seeing those who are close, go through troubled times.
Feigned indifference is a way, negating the pain is a way. Putting it all in a box, somewhere at the back of the mind, away from conscious self till the time it has to be brought out due to compulsion is a way.

It breaks me to see. I wish i could do something to make it better. I wish i could make all the pain disappear instead. If i could, i'd do anything to keep you from all this. But since i can't, i'll do the next best thing- give you your space, while ensuring am always around.

But always remember..
there is no second you, no one comes close. no one can care so much. probably it exasperates me at times but also amazes me at the same time. you surprise me. and you win my admiration every time.

Confusion Galore!

In a very unsettled frame of mind. There's this restlessness that just can't be really expressed in words. There's so much uncertainty on so many fronts. My mind is in a constant state of flux. Where are we headed? What's going to be the final outcome? What's going to be the reaction? How different is the future going to be from the present as I know it? The tiny doubts, those questions that niggle me, bother me.. What about them? What can assuage them, quieten them? Why do I have this constant need for being calmed down, assured? Why does it feel like the slightest touch of hand (forget about a push or shove!) can make my castle of cards topple over? No matter the faith, the sense of security..that tiny doubt still remains. Can my partner in crime be counted on to stand up if and when required? Can I do so? What if we are not? Is that going to spell the end for this?


I think my dad knows me better than I have ever suspected. He doesn't want to influence my decisions by himself. But he wants me to see things for myself and see them reach their logical end, one way or the other. He doesn't want it to be his decision or mumma's decision because he doesn't want me to look back and wonder how it could have been. So neither has he gone out of his way to accept it, nor has he forthrightly refused it. He has given us, (not just me) some time to look at it from that perspective, for things to settle down, and not make up our minds in a hurry.. To take into account more factors than just how vehemently we feel and believe right now, and live with this kind of a realization instead of looking at only as things stand now. After all, when its a matter of forever, its not just what you feel, but how other things around you play along with those feelings.. Whether they take away from it, or add to it, whether you accept them or reject them.

But keeping everything else aside, what do you do, how do you respond, when apparently the only thing that might matter with respect to you, is the one aversion you have always had.. When you heard of the same thing being said to someone else, it made you wonder how could THAT be the sole basis of judging someone? Its the one thing that my parents always told me would be a point of concern with anyone, for whatever reasons. Something I always scoffed at. But now I HAVE to accept it. Probably that was the reason I never tried hard enough..because I always wondered if people's behavior towards me would change FOR THE BETTER only because of that one thing? And that question made me rebel against it, do the exact opposite. But I will do it. Not because I will bow down to the pressure on all fronts. I will do it because the one person who is the reason for all this and more, did not judge me for this. It never took away from anything. It never mattered enough to influence where we are right now. And everyone else is concerned, they who don't know me, what better grounds do they have to get that first impression? Isn't that how we are, when we see or get to know someone for the first time? And when we do figure them out, that's when we DO get to know them better.

Another reason is because I wanna make a statement to everyone around me.. 1) I can do it if I wish to, and 2) it still doesn't change the person I was or am.

TODAY HAS BEEN OK

This beautiful haunting melody that somehow i can't seem to have enough of...

- Emiliana Torrini

SHAKEN AND STIRRED..

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishment the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

I just realized that the only one standing between me and success is my own self.

That i am as intelligent and brilliant, if not more, as anyone around me.

That i can do anything that i wish to.

That the only reason i am not able to do it, is because i refuse to put in the work required.

That my own refusal and lack of interest in things is the bane of my existence.

That i am like a ball of sloth, something which is infectious.

That the only way i can get out of it is if i get off my ass and start work.

RIGHT NOW.

That if i decide, i have brains enough to actually pull off the impossible and succeed even now, even after having goofed up so amazingly for the umpteenth time.

(Found it in the drafts... glad to know the realization came in a

LET'S GET SOME THINGS CLEAR...

You might consider me a passive idiot on most occasions, one who doesn't react or WON'T react.. i don't mind. But don't you DARE lay claim on anything that's mine.. else i will claw your eyes out and cut your supposed wings off before you can think of taking flight! And that, is a promise...

LIFE, AS IS

Have you ever had those times when you have managed to convince yourself that you want something? That you will do something. That all it requires, is a single push from you. That you care about something or someone. That you are, somewhere in there, the same person that you were 8 years back.

... And then have you seen those false premises break in front of your very own eyes? Feel them desert you inside? The words that you use, sound hollow to your own ears. The negatives start overpowering the positives of an idea even before it has formulated completely, germinated. No matter how much, for what, or for who you cared, you realize they are NOT your responsibility? The change that others see and you feel, is permanent. That even if you were wiser, maturer, more focused and determined at the age of 17 than you are right now, it still IS you.

And it's okay. You haven't necessarily let go of yourself, but simply broadened your horizons beyond the familiar. You have allowed yourself to think and dream of things which you didn't, at that point. You have probably allowed yourself to be honest with yourself.

Some of these realizations make you happy, ecstatic even. Like the knowledge of letting go of the rotten egg in favor of a freshly baked bread loaf from the oven?

Others aren't quite so pleasant. Foremost among those, is the acknowledgement of the reasons for the lack of energy with respect to what you are doing with your life. It isn't your end goal. And you know it. And you can't fool yourself into convincing yourself to do something you don't even care for in the first place. The motivations, the driving forces will always desert you. But then there ARE reasons why you stick on, the major ones being...
1.  you have done this for so long, you are scared you don't know anything else.
2.  you can feel the confidence of your loved ones in you dwindle. People who once believed you to be unbeatable and your self confidence unshakable, are now forced to wonder if you can even just merely make it through.
3.  this one thing is bringing your life to a standstill. Everything else has been put to a stop. Life is going about in circles of those same 6 months, changing into each other. And you feel helpless, caught in the vicious circle.
4.  all things said and done, this IS a BRILLIANT all access pass into the corridors and areas you seek to explore and finally make your own. So why quit now, at the last leg?

Then you suddenly read something which reminds you of the dream you saw when you were but 15.. the one that motivated you to give it your EVERYTHING when you were but a child. The dream that you lost somewhere between all this, and forgot about... But you saw it again today. You saw it other people's eyes too, and saw them work for it. And it made you see...

And so, it SHALL be done. Maybe kind of slowly, but definitely.

PS- You know GM, i admire you so much.. your conviction, your belief, your passion. The way you refuse to give up. How you conquer your fears, face your demons instead of running from them like a coward. For being so unorthodox and willing to accept change, take up risks. And that too, so early on. I know i pick on you like crazy, but that doesn't take away from the fact that i respect what you wish to do, where you wish to go, and what are you doing for it.

Claustrophobic. Suffocated. Handicapped. Insecure. Immature. Unreasonable. Extreme. Annoyed. Harried. Irritable. Irritating. Unsocial. Aggressive. Tired. Stuck.

And hormonal. Almost forgot. :|

SAP SOB MUSH MASH!

you make me smile, when all i wanna do is scream.
you make me laugh, when i simply wish to cry.
you calm me down, when i let nothing else work.
you show me sense, when my brain refuses to listen.

people around me saw something that i didn't. not immediately. and for once, they were right.

so many spend their lives chasing a mirage, stubbornly forcing themselves to see something that isn't really there, something that probably never was. and probably, maybe, shaayad.. so would have i...
had i not met you. and realized how it should be, what it really is.

and now i don't think i could ever have it any other way... :)

...

Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand
In a...desperate land