Two people who give up on their own comfort and pleasures, just to ensure that you have everything you want for. That you are protected and sheltered. They might not indulge you and your whims on the face of it, or encourage you to buy those big brands, but when you need that money for a reason, it WILL be there, without even a second thought, and only God knows from where! They are like your emergency credit card. For themselves, they will think, and think thrice, before they buy anything. But for you, they always want to make sure that you have what you want, even if they do try and exercise a little bit of rationality while looking at the tags. Oh yeah, they will negotiate even the smallest rise in your pocket money/allowance. But i believe that's just a ploy to help you become a better negotiator haha! Oops.. just realized i haven't specifically mentioned i am talking about parents. Then again, who could have assumed otherwise, reading what i have written thus far, heh.

But what happens when you grow up and aren't really dependent upon them for all your whims and fancies? Oh sure, you talk about independence and our rights and their duties and individual choice. But how do you REALLY strike a balance with all these things, and a genuine feeling that you are what you are because of them and their small sacrifices over these many years? Do you continue to be okay with how they still treat you like the young one, looking out for you, trying to advise you about things, telling you what's best for you and what isn't good for you at all, protecting you and sheltering you? Or do you simply shout and fight, trying to exercise the good ol' "my life, my choice!" right? How do you ensure that you become an independent, open minded, confident individual who doesn't depend on them for his or her needs, without becoming a stranger to them and breaking their heart?

I am 27 and still struggling to figure THAT one out! It would be nice to know what others think as well! ;)

Metro Diaries #2

Men watching exercise videos.. Women holding bags from "Joylukkas Jewellers", (apparently world's favourite jewellers as their tagline proudly proclaims), college girls sitting on the metro floor in all their trendy glory, young men discretely checking out women, women subtly encouraging with a glance and a half smile here and there.. Do you observe all this, or do you continue reading your same old boring law book?

Metro Diaries

In all my (limited) years of working, I have never really seen much of office politics in my workspace, in either of the two firms I have been with. Or maybe, I was just not am active  participant, considering nobody considered me to be their sharing partner. But right now, as I'm on my way to work, I can actually see it and understand it. Two girls, probably early twenties and hardly out of college, seem to enjoy nothing more than discussing a coworker at length.. Why is she how she is, why she isn't as comfortable (if not more) with them as she is with a certain Sunny from their office team, and if she is that close to him, then there must be something up between them, and no she's apparently not interested in him really but just using him for her office space convenience. Nice. I think work life is going to be even more interesting outside of work than in it. Welcome back to metro diaries as recorded by a certain KMG!

The Way I Feel

I feel pain when they try to bring me down
But as long as this world keeps turning round
I know it won't last forever
Ok ok my life is moving
But demons are fighting
Ok ok tears are dry now
But demons are fighting

I feel like I'm floating through existence
I feel like I'm living after time
I feel like I'm forced to break the silence
Is that a crime? Is that a crime?
I feel like we're all following shadows
And shadows they don't know where to go
I feel like I'm waiting for tomorrow
While today wastes away

It's not that I don't know
It's not that I can't see
It's not that I haven't noticed
It's driving me insane
It's not that I don't know
It's not that I can't see
It's just the way I feel
It's just the way I feel

I feel like a child without a father
And mama tries oh lord knows mama tries
I feel like the world is on my shoulder
I wonder why, wonder why
I feel like I'm not the only one who's frustrated
I feel like something's going wrong
I can't escape it
I feel like the destinies of those meant
To be the best
Are in the hands of liars now the world is on fire

I feel like we're not angry enough
That while we wait, time's ticking away
I feel there's gonna be an explosion!

It's not that I don't know
It's not that I can't see
It's not that I haven't noticed
It's driving me insane
It's not that I don't know
It's not that I can't see
It's just the way I feel
It's just the way I feel

-Asa

For the last four months (almost), my focus and efforts have been concentrated upon being a good wife, daughter in law, sister in law, and a daughter who's now living away from her parents, and learning to juggle all these new hats. It IS a considerable effort, let me say. It is a slow, tedious process, of acquainting and adjusting to new people, environment, relations and expectations. Managing the house, ensuring that it's a comfortable home to all those living in it, including me.

The first phase required me to adjust to the new ways your new relations live, how they like to have things done. Heh, even things which were once as simple as making a mug of tea have now had to be undone and redone. The second phase started when a month after our marriage, the in laws, who were pretty much in charge of things so far, had to leave for a couple of months and go to their hometown to settle some pending work. That suddenly put me in the driver's seat. A little bit of drama and incline was added to the whole process when the maid went on leave for a month, and i was in charge of everything, from cleaning up to cooking to maintaining stocks to managing the finances and interacting with various persons who are usually on the periphery, associated with running of the house. This phase was obviously also full of some other interesting happenings, like the two of us getting to spend some lone time (of course, subject to my husband's availability from his work, which is his first love i feel!), and the freedom that comes with the responsibility of doing things on your own, and the empowerment it gives you, being the one who runs the show. The third phase kicked in after two months, when we got the news that in laws were coming back. Good as that news was, because we had all missed them, it also filled me with some concern and very justified apprehension.. after having been the primary decision maker for two out of three months of married life, just when i felt i had begun to get used to running things my way, i would have to re align and re adjust. And not just that, the other concern was, what if the in laws didn't like the way i had been running things, the little tiny subtle changes i had made in and around the house? Well, as luck would have it, they arrived, and saw the changes, but didn't have any objections to them. Nor have they really had any problem with my way of doing things, at least so far! We are back to how things were before they left, and hopefully things have settled down now, with a few differences here and there, a major one being my increased role in the way things are done around the house.

And now that all that has been done with, i think it's time for the fourth phase to kick in: focus on myself again. I need to start focusing on things that i want now, things that are important to me. Enough of idling around, of simply running around to have things in order and keep them that way. I now need to prioritize myself, and not because someone else might expect me to do it, but for my own sake. Because sooner than later, the usual restlessness at the monotony of things will kick in, and i won't have anyone to blame but myself for having missed opportunities that were willing to knock on my door had i allowed them to. And i don't wish for any more regrets in life than the ones i have already done. So yeah, phase four kicking in NOW. 

A search for an old mail brought me across some of my oldest gmail chats with a very dear friend who has now become distant for the last 2-3 years. A natural process, i am sure. Especially in our case, where i came across him at the age of 16, and have never met him once. Strange, nay? Stranger still, (now that i think about it), was the fact that he is 11 years older than me, but for the longest time i was more comfortable talking to him about almost anything in this world, than any of my other supposedly closer friends. I suppose that's why they used to be fond of having pen friends in the past. Creepy as it might be, it's freeing.

i sat for the last 30 minutes, reading our old conversations.. conversations about our daily lives, our trivial daily problems, issues. The college, job stress. Boy-cant-find-girl and girl-kind-find-a-boy problems, heartaches. Silly jokes, stupid sarcasm. And this complete lack of inhibition.. I mean, what could be a bigger testimony to our friendship but the fact that he knew/remembered my various friends from school, college, CA and beyond, and so did i? In my case, i actually became friends with (and still occasionally catch up with) some of them. It's bizarre how somebody becomes a part of your life, attached to you, without making any demands on you. And i guess those are the ones you remember long after, even when those people's importance in your lives doesn't remain the same any longer..

i miss him. I miss our pointless, random conversations, wherein we could have been colleagues sitting across each other at the workstation, and sharing small tidbits of the things as usual. I miss not having to always make a point, to be answerable to somoene when i wish to walk away from a pointless conversation, to always sit and think and analyze the impact of my spoken words on the person across me. i miss that freedom where i connected with someone on almost a daily basis for around 7-8 years, even when we didn't have much to say to each other.

But more than that, more than anything else, i miss myself from that time, where i was self contained, practical, level headed and unperturbed by what the world expected of me. Or, to be fair, where i felt that living upto those expectations was the easiest thing in the world to do. Where distractions, social and societal obligations meant shit to me. I miss the me who never felt obligated to put an '!' after every sentence written, or using emoticons in the hope they might convey an emotion that i may or may not even feel. i miss small things about me.. being a doer instead of a yawner, being driven and ambitious, being on top of my game.. and not giving a flying fuck about the rest of the world..

SOMETHING ABOUT LIFE..

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you, no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain't gonna have a life."

Sylvester Stallone, Rocky Balboa

This world is a funny place indeed. Or maybe the inhabitants make it so?
Always looking for kinks and chinks in your armour, that one small thing that can undo you. Forbearance just can't be accepted. It's all about mind play and gaining that upper hand. That satisfaction of saying in one's mind, "Ha! Gotcha!" on discovering your weakness, and using that discovery wherever required to step over you, hold you back.. To keep you in line, to keep you behind 'self', to to keep you in check, to keep their control. Parents, lovers, siblings, teachers, competitors, bosses, society.. They all do it. To you, to me, to him, to her.

And then they wonder.. why doesn't he open up, why doesn't he share their pain. Are we not his own? Who else would do it but us?

OH, THE WISDOM OF CUSTOMS!

When it comes to Indian weddings, odd traditions and rituals are not an unheard or unexpected thing. You try and prepare yourself for the weirdest, but certain things when they come to your knowledge, still manage to leave you dumbfounded. One such thing is an experience that I heard of for the first time from a cousin who got married a few years back, and went through, and which (let me be very clear in stating) I didn't remotely like.. And that is this odd ritual of a sister in law being allowed to pick up and keep any of the many sarees/garments that come in your troeussuee. The poor girl had QUITE a few SILs, who somehow ended up picking all her carefully selected, colourful pieces, and left the drabbest of the lot for her!

Yep, apparently they have the liberty to just put their hand into the suitcase, and pick up whatever they like. The fact that each of those garments has been carefully and tastefully selected by you for yourself, that you might hate to part with it, that it might have cost a bomb are apparently of no consequence whatsoever. You're supposed to just open the bag, and stand in a corner allowing them to sift through the precious things and take whatever they fancy!
Now I'm a very understanding person usually, and have surprising patience and forbearance when it comes to many of these odd traditions. But there happen to be certain things that make my head swirl at the very thought, confusing me as to what I'd like to do more.. a) put my two cents worth of wisdom across the table and try to at least discourage the lameness and stupidity I see, or b) keep quiet and simply ridicule the whole thing in my own head. This is one of those things. I'm amused and unimpressed with this whole nonsense in equal measure for many reasons, some of which are stated below:

1. You and your parents put in a lot of effort in picking every individual item lovingly, smiling and discussing each and every thing that you pick. Why does someone have the right to take it without your permission?!

2. Selecting your troeussuee is one time where you don't budget much, going for the beauty over the value. each and every piece that goes in is usually expensive,  that money being spent by your parents lovingly on YOU. How can anyone else put their claim over it?!

3. There are times when  there's a reasonable enough explanation to the most bizarre of customs, which, when explained, you can at least wrap your head around. If there's any sense around, things would be the other way round, where the new member of the family was welcomed with gifts by members of the family on entering the house. What sense can THIS one make?!

4. The new entrant of the house is supposed to open up her bags, and her stuff (and hence her heart maybe??)  to the daughters of the house.. But why isn't there a return obligation for the daughters to do the same for her? Would they be willing to let her pick absolutely anything from their precious sartorial collection and trinkets, and shower some lowwwve in return?!

5. There are so many gifts, things etc already being given to each and every member of the family.. What's the NEED for this in that scenario?!

6. Even if you absolutely have to, why can't you simply pick up stuff yourself (big enough gesture if you ask me), and give it.. Why the random selection?!

I don't understand what kind of "love all" emotion does this promote? If anything, I think it just leads to grudges on the very first day! It's so ridiculous, even the idea makes me scoff!

Ah well.. To each his/her own! If those involved dont complain, then who am I to!

DISCLAIMER - let me clearly state that I'm aware that this doesn't happen everywhere, including my own family! It's by no means a generalization. This is just a not so subtle opinion piece on the oddity of things, completely based on the story told to me by a particular person. Thoughts and opinions here are entirely my own, and you're more than welcome to disagree.

My father's daughter..

Things don't ever make as much sense as they do in the shower. And some riddles that are there in your head for aeons take a few seconds to suddenly make sense, although even the solution doesn't make life any easier to be honest.

My mother and my sister are constantly telling me how alike my father and I are.. In habits, in tastes, in our walk, in our talk, in our gestures, and even our sleep patterns! Is it any wonder that some of the struggles I'm facing right now (and have for a while) are the same as his? The pain I'm going through right now is exactly the same as he went through when he was my age, the difficulties the same. How do I know? He's described it to me, tried to warn me against it, encouraged me to take action before it came to this. But I guess it was inevitable. To realize the value of a few things (not the least of them being time and value of perseverance alongside intelligence), I think it was predestined that I go through this.. To discover myself, what I want (still figuring THAT one out!), and what I don't want. To learn the art of patience and temperance. To go through the breakdowns to achieve the level of supposed invincibility.

Anyway.. I digress, getting carried away by the power of the written word.

The point is, I just realized that I can do it, it can happen for me as well. And the 'can' will change into 'will' only when I throw the negativity out. And how can that be impossible? Our lucks are probably designed the same way.. I'm my father's daughter after all.