Monday, February 27, 2012


Oh let the sun beat down upon my face, stars to fill my dream
I am a traveler of both time and space, to be where I have been
To sit with elders of the gentle race, this world has seldom seen
They talk of days for which they sit and wait and all will be revealed

Talk and song from tongues of lilting grace, whose sounds caress my ear
But not a word I heard could I relate, the story was quite clear
Oh, oh.

Oh, I been flying... mama, there aint no denyin
Ive been flying, aint no denyin, no denyin

All I see turns to brown, as the sun burns the ground
And my eyes fill with sand, as I scan this wasted land
Trying to find, trying to find where Ive been.

Oh, pilot of the storm who leaves no trace, like thoughts inside a dream
Heed the path that led me to that place, yellow desert stream
My shangri-la beneath the summer moon, I will return again
Sure as the dust that floats high and true, when movin through kashmir.

Oh, father of the four winds, fill my sails, across the sea of years
With no provision but an open face, along the straits of fear

When Im on, when Im on my way, yeah
When I see, when I see the way, you stay-yeah

Ooh, yeah-yeah, ooh, yeah-yeah, when Im down...
Ooh, yeah-yeah, ooh, yeah-yeah, well Im down, so down
Ooh, my baby, ooooh, my baby, let me take you there

Let me take you there. let me take you there

-- Led Zeppelin

Sunday, February 26, 2012

11 AM- upbeat and rearing to go.
1.30 PM- want to shoot half the world. strangle the rest.

i need to breathe... i need to breathe in some fresh air. i want to feel whole. not as fragmented and fragile as i feel right now. but i DON'T KNOW what to do about it! except cry in anguish, shout at people, and throw things around.

i think i'll go and take a cold shower. that should clear my head, even if it makes my teeth chatter. :|

Saturday, February 25, 2012

"I take refuge in (devote or submit myself to) the Wonderful Law of the Lotus Flower Sutra"

THAT… is a general, universally accepted interpretation of the Daimoku, which goes something like, Nam Myōhō Renge Kyō.

This is an experience which Apurva shared with me, in the hope that it might motivate me and help me fight MY demons, giving things my best shot. I love you, you wonderful amazing woman! With a hundred things going on around you, you still manage to find time to gather motivation for me.. :)

And well, i would like to share with whosoever wishes to read it and know about it.. :) ]

I am Vandana Gauria, and was introduced to Nichiren Diashonin’s Buddhism 4 yrs ago.

My father passed away in 2007 and the family was left to fend for itself both financially as well as mentally. There were frequent fights at home and the environment was gloomy. My father was a CA and left behind an office to be taken care of by us. At the age of 19, I was dealing with clients more than double my age and solving their financial issues. Besides, I was a CA student myself and had just cleared the entrance exam. My work occupied most of my time and it had always been a struggle to study while taking care of the office. I took to this philosophy as a fish takes to water. On hearing members experiences, I realized that if I wanted a change within the family, then I had to take action. Thereon I have been actively participating in the Gakkai activities and chanting Daimoku with firm faith in the Gohonzon.

I have received numerous benefits during the course of the last 4 yrs in the form of a happy and joyful family, clearing my CA Inter exams in the first attempt with good marks, shifting to our own house, winning the trust & respect of people around me, work that I enjoy doing among the other benefits that I receive in my daily life, including both conspicuous as well as inconspicuous benefits. Being human, issues keep cropping both in my personal as well as professional life as they did earlier, however my perspective of viewing and handling them has changed. In such times I challenge to maintain a high life condition and pray to polish my own inner life. The practice has taught me to look for causes within to be able to understand the environment better and undertake my human revolution to be able to resolve the situation. The benefit of the practice reflects in my personality and nature as well.

In July last year, I appeared for the CHARTERED ACCOUNTANTS Final exams and got through one group. Disheartened with the fact that I could not clear both the groups, I could not savour the joy of the victory that I had just achieved. Eventually, after taking guidance I realised that my result had been a benefit of my practice as despite one of my papers not going too well, I had managed to clear it.

I expressed my deep gratitude towards the gohonzon and determined to bring glory to my parents and my mentor by passing the next set of exams with good marks and become a CHARTERED ACCOUNTANT .
After wasting a month by virtually not studying anything, I was left with three months to study four subjects. Meanwhile, we had 3 due dates in the office to take care of and there were other work commitments. The entire 3 months were marked by immense work pressure and late nights at the office leaving little time to study. One month before the exam, there were many days when I could not even open the books. Sensei said “Study hard to surprise yourself. It was time for me to implement this guidance in the form of exerting myself to the maximum extent and bring out my inherent potential.  All this while, I based myself on chanting Nam Myoho renge kyo and kept reminding myself of my determination. Being a practioner of nichiren daishonin’s buddhism, I could not give up and I had to show actual proof of my practice. Not ready to surrender to anything, I finally took an off from my work  10 days before the exam and  I was still left with 2 subjects to complete. As the gosho says “you had better cut short your sleep by night and curtail your leisure by day, and ponder this! You must not spend your lives in vain and regret it for ten thousand years to come.”  Basing myself on these lines, I prayed to be able to stretch my day. During these 10 days I was coordinating work during the first half of the day over the phone as well as studying hard till late in the mornings. I chanted to be able to study with the buddhas wisdom and to grasp, remember and recall everything that I studied. Mystically, I managed not just to complete the syllabus but also thoroughly revise the course as well.

Usually, the course of certain subjects undergoes changes in every exam that is held in may. However, this time there were a number of changes in one of the subjects in the November exam as well which we had not known about. The protective  power of our daimoku came forth when my sister’s friend informed her about the changes and both of us were thus protected from an exam going haywire due to this.
I am happy to report that I managed to manifest courage and not get nervous before any paper. My prayers were answered when I was able to recall everything that I had studied during the last few days and very joyfully gave all the exams.

With deep gratitude towards the gohonzon, I would like to report that both me and my sister have passed the exam with flying colours and have become CHARTERED ACCOUNTANTS. Our family and office had been waiting for one CA  since the last 4 years, and today they have two. The happiness around is unbound. Ikeda sensei says “ Daimoku has boundless power. It is the source of all victory. A brilliant and indestructible triumph begins with Daimoku.”

Throughout the period of practice and the last three months particularly, I was able to manifest a high life condition and manifest my buddha nature in the form of courage and perseverance through the power of daimoku.

Today, I determine to excel in my profession as a CA and earn trust and respect from society and expand my network of friends. I further determine to strenghthen my faith, practice and study and work for the happiness of people in my environment.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Another turning point
A fork stuck in the road 
Time grabs you by the wrist
directs you where to go 
So make the best of this test
And don't ask why 
It's not a question 
But a lesson learned in time 

It's something unpredictable but in the end 
It's right I hope you've had the time of your life 

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind 
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time 
Tattoos and memories and dead skin on trial 
For what it's worth it was worth all the while 

take me away...
a secret place...
a sweet escape..
take me awayyyy..

so tired. feeling worthless. need a change. need to do something. something thats empowering. something to throw right back in their faces.

Sunday, February 19, 2012


Dear B

WHY, and HOW, are you so sensible and right, always? How is it that you have a solution to everything under the sun, and function under crisis as if the damned thing was planned to the last milestone? I am not USED to having such people around me, you see, the ones who have their head screwed on right and who are as balanced as you are! You are so much more concerned about my targets and my goals than i am, which is amazing and nice, but just a bit of a black spot on my otherwise spotless conscience, you see. Kindly share as to what you eat and drink, to keep it that way.

You get along with everyone, connect with all my friends at an individual, personal level and find something to talk about with everyone! And my sister, my own flesh and blood, prefers you over me! And not just her, HER FRIENDS as well! How weird is that? The Secret, please?

And while we are at it, could you also explain as to how you manage to be the most awesomely romantic guy on this planet without being sickly mushy? Your surprises, how i love them. How can you be the corporate slave that you are, and still manage them? You take the bar higher everytime i try to compete. Again, NOT good for my ego! :|

Oh, and how can i not mention your patience! I have done anything and everything i could think of under this sun, to test it and annoy you. But alas, i never do succeed. You are well aware of how i lack on that particular front, and HOW short tempered and impatient i am, right? So would you mind sharing a tip or two?

And, most importantly, would you kindly explain to me as to why does it seem like you have always been a part of my life and everything around me, when we started dating not 2 months back, and i was virtually unaware of your existence till 6 months before that?

Looking forward to a detailed reply,


Thursday, February 16, 2012


something is really puzzling me. something is amiss. a certain someone insists on telling me something, going in excruciating details, whereas others simply say things to negate those very details. it's funny. i wonder whose version is true. and what's the need to lie anyway?! :|

Sunday, February 12, 2012


 “If you failed yesterday, strive to win today. If you were defeated today, strive to win tomorrow.” 

this wonderful lady has been kind enough to share her experiences with me, the tough times she has gone through in the last few years, and how she overcame them. Her troubles somehow seem to be very similar to what i am going through right now, what a lot of my friends are going through right now, even if they might not be as vocal about it as i am. She feels that sharing them with me will help me draw inspiration from her and help me fight my own devils. 

“Misfortune will change into fortune. Muster your faith and pray to this gohonzon. Then what is there that cannot be achieved.”

Now i do not practice Buddhism, neither this particular sect nor any other sect. But i do believe that putting your trust in a higher power, trusting something out there with infinite faith helps you get through your tough times. Some might roll their eyes at this. Maybe they are those rare brilliant examples of our race who have never been low on self confidence or somehow never doubted themselves or their motives. I have, quite often, and i am not ashamed to admit it. But i have also resolutely climbed out of those hellholes, on my own, BECAUSE of my belief that all is never lost, that there IS someone out there somewhere looking out for me. My faith has been shaken often, i have questioned it often, have come very close to losing it on a few occasions, the last one being very recently infact. The point is, most of us occasionally need something to hold onto, believe in when nothing else seems to be going right. And that, i think, is what she is trying to explain to me. Someone summed it up for me from somewhere a couple of months back... it's all about the eternal combination.. 1 quart faith and 3 quarts hard work.
Work, unwavering, diligent, honest hard work is the only way out.. complete focus and a willingness to fight the devils (metaphorically ofcourse!) is the only thing that can get you through...

My heart's a stereo
It beats for you, so listen close
Hear my thoughts in every no-o-ote
Make me your radio
And turn me up when you feel low
This melody was meant for you
To sing along to my stereo

Thursday, February 9, 2012


It'a 2.04 A.M. right now... i am holding my phone against my ear, and i can hear your slow, even breathing. Yes, you have fallen asleep while talking to me, covering the distance of 7% within a span of 30 seconds...

 I know, i know, i should probably disconnect the call, but it's just such a nice feeling to hear you sleep so contently. You sleep like a baby, oblivious to the world, except for the one that you enter in your slumber.. :)

I even tried slow talking to you, whispering in your ears a couple of time, trying to verify if you had fallen into a deep sleep, or simply dozed off (ah well.. what can i say, an accountant's habit? :) ), but you're fast asleep.

I should probably feel guilty for keeping you up this late after a grueling day at work... but then again, you did insist you wanted to fall asleep talking to me... kind of flattering, to be honest, hehe.

Sleep well, you. :)

Wednesday, February 8, 2012


There is a lot of shit happening in my life at the moment. I don't have a minute to give to myself. Something or the other keeps going wrong. As always, there's some confusion or the other around me. There are days when i can't stop cribbing about the unfairness of this and that, of how annoying he is, or what a pain she is.

But if you were to ask me if i would do things any differently from the way i have chosen to do them, if i would want to change anything, my answer would be a negative. I like where i am right now.. By no means does it mean that i am satisfied with how things are, and am content with my lot. No. It simply means, the small things amiss here and there do not take away from the sense of looking forward.

Till a few days back, everything seemed so dark and bleak. But now, in my weird typical way, i have decided to deal with it. And by deal with it, i mean not paying special attention to these ups and downs, by simply facing things one at a time, as they come up, instead of sitting and crying about them. Ofcourse i crib, all the bloody time, but then again, that's a part of the game, isn't it? Doesn't mean i am going to go and hide for eternity, no sir! And well, a lot of credit for all this goes to the amazing people around me... my dear baby sister who annoys the crap out of me most of the time but is always ALWAYS there, Alokick (that immensely patient man.. God bless you! lol), Reeeeeshu (you lanky typical boy uncle, you baniya businessman, you!), E (the lady with all the solutions), Geeko (even your name says you're an ass at most times :P ), Kuki (that slightly off her rocker but adorable to death woman,with the most incredible spiritual-mature-nutcase balance lol)....... whenever i feel blue, these people ensure that even if my shoulders might momentarily droop, my chin stays up and the smile doesn't disappear for too long. Sigh. Where would i be without you people.

PS - it's just another random ramble, and probably won't make much sense. But i just felt like typing all this. And well, my space and all that, you know!  ;)

Sunday, February 5, 2012


It's a warm pleasant Sunday afternoon. A perfect early February day. The whole clan is assembling at the farmhouse in Chhatarpur for a theme party and lunch..

... AND I AM HERE, HOME, WRITING THIS LAME POST. But then, did i mention, i've got FEMA and Holding Companies to keep me company. Joy.
Oh well...

Saturday, February 4, 2012


There are so many things i could say. But i won't. For the simple reason that i don't want to share any of it with anyone. (Yes... a lesson learnt the past few days, albeit a  little late! :P )

But i WILL say one thing.. you are the best thing to have happened to me in the longest time. They don't make them like you anymore. I think i just got lucky. And am i glad i did! :)

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


Lord, give me the strength to persevere, to fight this sense of desolation that engulfs me with the crack of dawn every morning that i open my eyes. To not give up when all i want to do is hang in my boots and walk away. To keep away the distractions from my now fragile mind. To keep my trust and confidence in myself when everything and everyone around me points to the contrary. To ignore the negatives for a while and concentrate my energies only on the positive forces around me. To fight the demons that mock me at every turn. To overcome my fears of failure.

And in the midst of it all, help me keep my eyes open to the little things of beauty around me, to appreciate the good and respect the laws of nature. To turn the hopelessness that i feel into a sense of anticipation of facing a challenge head on. And to keep at it till i win. To keep my trust in those i trust, and not let petty things affect it or shake it, to feel the confidence in the good cheer that the positive souls around me try and spread around me.

Help me not turn my back on life and keep my chin up. I know i try to do that, but help me try harder... .



"How could you?! how could you do and say what you did? One day they get angry at you, once they say a few things to you... and you throw dirt on everything they've worked for all these years, throw muck on their life's work?! aren't you feeling ashamed of yourself? doesn't something inside you, torment you?
They have given this their entire life... this IS their life. the fruit of their labor, their hard work, their EVERYTHING! and all it took was one bout of anger to throw cold water on all of it. imagine the pain and the trauma your words must have caused. is it any wonder that you are being treated the way you are? is it unfair? you have disappointed me... and disappointed them. so much... so much they've done. and so much you forgot all about. in that one moment of anger. you lousy ungrateful bitch!"