Monday, December 10, 2012


The quiet stand, taking every blow silently. Slowly distancing themselves from all they care about.. and the world watches, unaware.
It's like the weight of the world has been placed on those shoulders. Every trouble felt so keenly and acutely, it can't be put into words. And it's not only the burden of the sorrow felt by self, but also a realization and pain on seeing those who are close, go through troubled times.
Feigned indifference is a way, negating the pain is a way. Putting it all in a box, somewhere at the back of the mind, away from conscious self till the time it has to be brought out due to compulsion is a way.

It breaks me to see. I wish i could do something to make it better. I wish i could make all the pain disappear instead. If i could, i'd do anything to keep you from all this. But since i can't, i'll do the next best thing- give you your space, while ensuring am always around.

But always remember..
there is no second you, no one comes close. no one can care so much. probably it exasperates me at times but also amazes me at the same time. you surprise me. and you win my admiration every time.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Confusion Galore!

In a very unsettled frame of mind. There's this restlessness that just can't be really expressed in words. There's so much uncertainty on so many fronts. My mind is in a constant state of flux. Where are we headed? What's going to be the final outcome? What's going to be the reaction? How different is the future going to be from the present as I know it? The tiny doubts, those questions that niggle me, bother me.. What about them? What can assuage them, quieten them? Why do I have this constant need for being calmed down, assured? Why does it feel like the slightest touch of hand (forget about a push or shove!) can make my castle of cards topple over? No matter the faith, the sense of security..that tiny doubt still remains. Can my partner in crime be counted on to stand up if and when required? Can I do so? What if we are not? Is that going to spell the end for this?

I think my dad knows me better than I have ever suspected. He doesn't want to influence my decisions by himself. But he wants me to see things for myself and see them reach their logical end, one way or the other. He doesn't want it to be his decision or mumma's decision because he doesn't want me to look back and wonder how it could have been. So neither has he gone out of his way to accept it, nor has he forthrightly refused it. He has given us, (not just me) some time to look at it from that perspective, for things to settle down, and not make up our minds in a hurry.. To take into account more factors than just how vehemently we feel and believe right now, and live with this kind of a realization instead of looking at only as things stand now. After all, when its a matter of forever, its not just what you feel, but how other things around you play along with those feelings.. Whether they take away from it, or add to it, whether you accept them or reject them.

But keeping everything else aside, what do you do, how do you respond, when apparently the only thing that might matter with respect to you, is the one aversion you have always had.. When you heard of the same thing being said to someone else, it made you wonder how could THAT be the sole basis of judging someone? Its the one thing that my parents always told me would be a point of concern with anyone, for whatever reasons. Something I always scoffed at. But now I HAVE to accept it. Probably that was the reason I never tried hard enough..because I always wondered if people's behavior towards me would change FOR THE BETTER only because of that one thing? And that question made me rebel against it, do the exact opposite. But I will do it. Not because I will bow down to the pressure on all fronts. I will do it because the one person who is the reason for all this and more, did not judge me for this. It never took away from anything. It never mattered enough to influence where we are right now. And everyone else is concerned, they who don't know me, what better grounds do they have to get that first impression? Isn't that how we are, when we see or get to know someone for the first time? And when we do figure them out, that's when we DO get to know them better.

Another reason is because I wanna make a statement to everyone around me.. 1) I can do it if I wish to, and 2) it still doesn't change the person I was or am.