Friday, December 2, 2016
Monday, August 22, 2016
The entire day today, I've been wondering about one thing - when did I stop trusting my own validation of myself, and when did I start looking for it outside? Was it because I was always a fat child, a fat girl, and I always felt inferior to my other friends, who were all (and still are!) strikingly shapely and beautiful as far back as I can remember? Was it the fact that this one thing made me feel so small about myself, I started depending upon the kind words spoken by others, appreciating my naturally sharp features and pretty face? Did I start looking for that compensation everywhere, fishing for those few words, to quench my thirst for appreciation that usually fell in the laps of my more dainty friends? Perhaps. And funnily enough, now I feel no sense of shame or embarrassment in admitting to it on a public forum. It's definitely not the easiest thing to say, but it doesn't really matter to me anymore. Because I'm not insecure anymore about what I am or how I look. And I'm equally unashamed to admit to the fact that it has as much to do with the fact that I understand myself more, as the fact that I understand those very people a lot better today. And they aren't as perfect or beyond reproach as my naive mind once felt they were.
And yet, I regret that small loss of control and independence over my confidence even now, more than I regret feeling inferior or superior or whatever. Because it sort of travelled to other aspects of my personality. I started looking for validation and ratification from others. I always had a knack for words, and that ability came from the fact that I felt everything I wrote, and I wrote only what I felt. But then, besides a few cases here and there, those words became jargon. They sounded good, damn they sounded good! They sounded so good in my head and while I said them, that I loved the idea of believing them. They made me sound ambitious, smart, intelligent, intellectual, and very very corporate. Ambitious I'd always been. But now, it was more like commercial ambition. And this path seemed easier than the one I'd originally thought for myself anyway, because there, I'd have had to write my own course of action. Here, the path was well written and everyone was walking it! And where I was skeptical, I looked for guidance towards others.. Who well meaning as they were, could never be me, and hence could never give me the advice that I was subconsciously craving or truly in the need of. They were risk averse and always believed in playing safe, which worked brilliantly for them. And so, without questioning much, I once again looked for the path, the route outside, and then endeavored to walk it. And because it didn't really mean much to me, I looked for approval from outside for my small victories and feared the disapproval and disappointment that accompanied my failures. I judged myself, and allowed people to judge me. To the extent that I couldn't hear what my own mind was saying anymore..
And it took me ages to realize how horribly caught up i had become in this vicious circle of my own making. And how important it is for me to get out of it! The personality complexes, the constant inward comparisons, questioning the intentions of the most normal things, doubting support that came my way, and worst of all, looking at smallest of achievements as if I'd conquered the whole world and self proclaiming myself as a cut above the rest.. Conflicting personality traits, bursts of anger, extreme mood swings, constant self pity.. You name it and i was feeling it. And justifying it all in my head. All for what? To convince myself that the decisions I'd taken over all these years were actually not all that bad...
It took a lot of patience on my end as well as those who were closest to me (unaware as they are of the reasons for my erratic behaviour), and a lot of undoing of all that negativity in my head to get to this point now when I can so objectively talk about it, write about it. I'm still a work in progress and it will still take me a long time to reach those levels of confidence that I had when I was a mere 16 year old.. But I am trying, a little too slowly perhaps, but I am..
I have been in transit all this time, between office and home. And somehow this constant movement of the cab has proven to be more settling for my thoughts than a stagnant sit down approach would have been. I basically wanted to pen this all down somewhere before I took any steps towards a new beginning, where I am going to try and push my own boundaries for the first time, and allow myself to experiment with things I feel I might be decent at. So there!
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Mumma.. I miss you. I miss your warmth. I miss being able to lie next to you, holding onto you, without having to explain myself. I miss your hands in my hair, your soothing words. Nobody can take your place or make my heart and mind feel calm the way you can. Just knowing you're next to me, talking to you, have you talk to me.. Laughing with you, joking with you, pulling your leg.. Fighting with you, crying when you shout at me.. Sharing my problems with you and Mona..
.. Who do I turn to, who can do for me what you could, without judging me, without forming any opinions about me. Neither you nor daddy.. No matter how you disapproved of some aspects of mine, your words never made me feel do despondent. I'm missing you guys so much. Staying away from you people is harder every time anything makes me realize how irreplaceable you guys are. I love you! I can't wait for the next time I come for a long long time.
Friday, July 22, 2016
Worst mood possible! Hot sticky evening, and I'm in an auto on my way back home from work. After having waited on the road for 30 mins to get a conveyance of ANY form. The auto guy just had to get gas refilled today. The weather is sticky and humid and I'm sweating buckets, sticky all over. As the auto moves, the breeze slightly blows. But then, we get stick at the signal once again. And the auto driver is sweating dollops as well, and stinking of mouldy stuff. Yeurgh!! God knows how my judgemental ass is smelling to others though! And now I have to go to one of those highbrow South Delhi malls, all messed up. Oh man! I want to vent off on someone /something!!
Of all the days, why did I choose this opportune day to travel by auto you ask? Well, because as today happens to be my lucky day, my phone internet stopped working because of which I couldn't book a pool ride.
Sunday, May 1, 2016
I have just spent a good part of last one hour trying to stalk one of these people, and their would be. And no, WITHOUT the remotest of emotional turmoils.. no envy, no ego, no heartache, nothing. Well, okay, maybe, a little bit of that ego thing, which makes you wonder as to what the man might have seen in this lady! But that was a passing whim, and is not really the focul point of this post.
The point is, i realized today how fluid everything in life is. And how we are designed to evolve and adapt.We only have to allow ourselves the chance to do so.To know when we have reached our saturation levels, and to know that obstinately sticking to that one thing (or person) is not really the best thing for us. To know when to call it quits, whether it is with respect to a lost love, a career going nowhere, or a degree, or any other tragedy. There is always an option of a Plan B, we just have to be willing to accept failure, and look towards it. There's no second guessing of the power that this gives you! Because when you accept this small thing, it is YOU who is choosing to walk away from something which is clearly NOT good for you, instead of leaving yourself at its' mercy. And that's a huge achievement in itself!
I fell for around 4 people, before i finally met the GB. And all of those times, it was unrequited. Well, partly at least. One of them was came close to being a real relationship, but it was toxic as it could be. I was trying to be somebody else's saviour, and destroying my life in my attempts to do so. I as an individual, held no value for the other person, except maybe being their fallback option. And i was okay with all of it, till i finally reached my saturation level, and my eyes opened to the fact that he was completely hollow, and i actually did not trust him at all. Because he had nothing worth offering to me, and i wanted SO much more than most anyway! He could never be the prince of my fairy tale because he himself needed saving! He was drained and empty. And he was trying to drown out his misery by clinging on to me, and making me his crutch. And the moment that realization dawned, i never looked back, I never felt the need to.
Because i then came across this other person, who actually made me realize what being a 'man' truly meant. What it meant to trust, to depend, and to be basically offered everything unconditionally. For the first time in my life, i felt like i belonged! And all this only happened when i chose to take a call with respect to my life, and walk away just at the right time. Any sooner, i would have probably not learnt the life lessons that i did, and any later, i would have probably missed out on my GB!
And this.. THIS is what i want to explain to myself once again at this stage in my life, to realize that time has come once again to take some more tough decisions, and make them your life choices.