Ugh. Feels like there's a brick lying inside me...like there's something being suppressed, waiting to explode. It's pinching. I wanna crawl in that direction...simply put it all right. Assure and be assured. Be told that everything is ok. Nothing has changed, nor is it going to change. But i won't...simply because i know this cycle would go on. I would never be able to get out of it. And i want so much more than what is on offer. How can i put aside what i want and feel, and pretend to be satisfied with a fraction of it because only that is on offer? If i refuse even that, the pain my refusal causes takes everything away completely...
There's a sort of relief too...at finally putting all of it to an end. But this sinking feeling, this sense of loss just won't go. Why couldn't it all be simple to understand, easy to sort out? i wish i could be like those who can look at everything in a detached sort of way..no pain, no complications.
There's this crazy need, this impulse, this wish to be with someone...someone who would help put all this at rest.
Human emotions...and human love for everything complex. Or more like...human love for making everything complex. heh
