so we are starting our family "kitty party" again. which basically means, every family will be hosting dinner for the other 8-9 families by turns every month. we've had this system in our family for a while now. a nice way of keeping up with everyone!

anyway...

so what happened was, this sister in law of mine, a cousin's wife, messaged everyone on facebook, telling us about our plans for the 15th august weekend...how ALL of us would go somewhere for a night. 40 odd family members, 4 generations at that... and let me tell you, the older ones are probably younger at heart than any of us! heh

so anyway, she messaged everyone, telling them about the plan for that one night. now, this uber witty brother in law of mine, another cousin's husband, replied, in usual style, saying, 

• "one night stand ... umm .. sounds good 
• also.. let's name this family kitty (cat) ... how about Isabella ?"

now this, while OFCOURSE being open to becoming a butt of some royal jokes, could've gone unnoticed. yes, it could have, facebook savvy as my family is. but then, my brother in law panicked. he called me up, and was like, "HOW DO YOU DELETE THIS FUCKING THING! I DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS A CHAIN MESSAGE! tumhare ghar wale kya sochenge, kaisa damaad hai!"

and i go like," ächa hai! main to hope kar rai thi ki koi notice karega! har kisi ko meri profile par har jagah discussion karna bada acha lagta hai! i was laughing to myself about how awesome it would be at the next "isabella party" and YOU would be the new bakra! "

at that time we decided that it was best to forget about it.. he seemed calm enough, just a tad worried about the lecture he was bound to receive from his wife!

BUT THEN, he had to go back to the chain, and post an apology. i TOLD him that it would make his reply more noticeable than anything else. and thats what happened.

at this particular moment, he and this cousin of mine (the aforementioned sister in law's husband) are engrossed, VERY engrossed in a very public duel of words. sarcastic puns to and fro.

ah. my family. how i love it. never a dull moment. the next time we'll meet, 2 shots, a few glasses of scotch, some funny taunts, a few laughs..and end of the story. :) 

• 
  

Oh my blue blue caravan 

The highway is my great wall 

For my true love is a man 

Who never existed at all 

Oh he was a beautiful fiction 

I invented to keep out the cold 

But now, my blue blue caravan 

I can feel my heart growing Cold 

Oh my blue blue caravan 

I can feel my heart growing Cold...

BIZARRE BIZARRER BIZARREST !!

so what do i call this? the Almighty's little joke on me?

i mean... WHAT in the world is going on these days?! there i am, sitting with this absolutely amazing guy in this lounge, talking over a couple of drinks and a couple of smokes. mind you, the person was a complete stranger till an hour back! sensing that we are quite enjoying each other's company, my darling friend, who is a mutual friend, decides to leave us for a while, and conveniently vanishes for one hour on the pretext of a work emergency.
so as i was saying...

there i am, sitting with this absolutely amazing guy in this lounge, talking over a couple of drinks and smokes, a virtual stranger at that..the guy is joking around, flirting, nothing too over the top, very subtle and understated, just how i like it...looks amazing with his curly hair and chocolate brown, bespectacled eyes and that cute smile...

...and i feel nothing. nada. zilch. all i can think of is my bed, where i can rest my weary head, zone out the world, and go off to sleep.

and as if that wasn't weird enough, this guy, who i had a thing for an age and a half back, and well, never completely got over till a while back, he walks into the place...and very nonchalantly comes up, long hair, beard and glasses and all...and gives me a hug...and talks for a few minutes, then leaves.. congratulating me for having found someone. i mean..WHAT?!

you know what makes me happy today? it's the fact that we.. have started over. without any emotional baggage, without any complications. and it's so bloody easy and so fantastic! i've been aching to find someone who came close. ofcourse, it's a whole different ballgame altogether this time round. and if i tell D and AM, they pretty much gonna freak out and bill me a loser for life.

but i don't care. you understood something that i have been trying to explain for so long, wanting at least SOMEONE to get. and having you on my side, it makes me feel good.

things are different. for good. that part of me that belonged with you, is buried somewhere forever. i have moved on, way ahead of that. but this new friendship, this comfort and ease...i cherish it and respect it as much as i did what we had earlier. i don't know if anyone else will be able to understand this, or fathom what i am feeling right now. but i don't care. if they know me even one bit, they will. they will know what this means to me, and for what reasons.

क्यूँ खोये खोये चाँद की फिराक में...

आज शब् जो चाँद ने है रूठने की ठान ली

गर्दिशों में है सितारे बात हमने मान ली

अँधेरी श्याह ज़िन्दगी को सूझी थी नहीं गली

की आज हाथ थाम लो की एक हाथ की कमी खली

क्यूँ खोये खोये चाँद की फिराक में तलाश में उदास है दिल

क्यूँ अपने आप से खफा खफा ज़रा ज़रा सा नाराज़ है दिल

यह मंजिलें भी खुद ही तै करे

यह फासले भी खुद ही तै करे

क्यूँ रास्तों पे फिर सहम सहम संभल संभल कर चलता है दिल

क्यूँ खोये खोये चाँद की फिराक में तलाश में उदास है दिल

ज़िन्दगी सवालों के जवाब ढूँढने चली

जवाब में सवालों की एक लम्बी सी लड़ी मिली

सवाल ही सवाल हैं सूझती नहीं गली

की आज हाथ थाम लो एक हाथ की कमी खली

जी में आता है

मुर्दा सितारे नोच लूं

इधर भी नोंच लूं

उधर भी नोंच लूं

एक दो का ज़िकर क्या

मैं सारे नोंच लूं

इधर भी नोंच लूं

उधर भी नोंच लूं

सितारे नोंच लूं

मैं सारे नोंच लूं

क्यूँ तू आज इतना वैशी है मिजाज़ में मजाज़ में है गम ऐए दिल

क्यूँ अपने आप से खफा खफा ज़रा ज़रा सा नाराज़ है दिल

ये मंजिलें भी खुद ही तै करे

ये फासले भी खुद ही तै करे

क्यूँ रास्तों पे फिर सहम सहम संभल संभल के चलता है ये दिल

दिल को समझाना कह दो क्या आसान है

दिल तो फितरत से सुन लो ना बेईमान है

यह खुश नहीं है जो मिला

बस मांगता ही है चला

जानता है हर लगी का

दर्द ही है बस एक सिला

जब कभी यह दिल लगा

दर्द ही हमें मिला

दिल की हर लगी का सुनलो

दर्द ही है एक सिला

क्यूँ नए नए से दर्द की फ़िराक में तलाश में उदास है दिल

क्यूँ अपने आप से खफा खफा ज़रा ज़रा सा नाराज़ है दिल

ये मंजिलें भी खुद ही तै करे

ये फासले भी खुद ही तै करे

क्यूँ रास्तों पे फिर सहम सहम संभल संभल के चलता है ये दिल

क्यूँ खोये खोये चाँद की फिराक में तलाश में उदास है दिल

क्यूँ अपने आप से खफा खफा ज़रा ज़रा सा नाराज़ है दिल

ये मंजिलें भी खुद ही तै करे

ये फासले भी खुद ही तै करे

क्यूँ रास्तों पे फिर सहम सहम संभल संभल कर चलता है ये दिल

23rd May 2011, 7:56 PM

rejuvenated, mentally. and physically. brilliant workout...hot and brilliant gym partner. ahh!
and ofcourse... Make it or Break it. that show...man. something about it just gets to me.
my character in the show? kaylie cruz... i don't know. i think i'm a bit like her. somewhat. except well, her gymnastics are her life. her passion for it is endless. and me...well, i don't know what my passion is right now.

but anyway, the point is, i feel much better, love this show, and kaylie cruz is my girl.

i love what one day with yourself can do for you.. :)

my first sketch...well, first one in ages!

CARNIVAL

I've walked these streets
A virtual stage
It seemed to me
Make up on their faces
Actors took their
Places next to me

I've walked these streets
In a carnival
Of sights to see
All the cheap thrill seekers
The vendors & the dealers
They crowded around me

Have I been blind
Have I been lost
Inside myself and
My own mind
Hypnotized
Mesmerized
By what my eyes have seen?

I've walked these streets
In a spectacle of wealth & poverty
In the diamond market
The scarlet welcome carpet
That they just rolled out for me

I've walked these streets
In the mad house asylum
They can be
Where a wild eyed misfit prophet
On a traffic island stopped
And he raved of saving me

Have I been blind
Have I been lost
Inside myself and
My own mind
Hypnotized
Mesmerized
By what my eyes have seen?

Have I been wrong
Have I been wise
To shut my eyes
And play along
Hypnotized
Paralyzed
By what my eyes have found
By what my eyes have seen
What they have seen?

Have I been blind
Have I been lost
Have I been wrong
Have I been wise
Have I been strong
Have I been
Hypnotized
Mesmerized
By what my eyes have found
In that great street carnival
In that carnival?





- Natalie Merchant

E and AM...thank you!

E... if i hadn't made that frantic call to you yesterday, i swear to god i would've gone mad. i might not have been very coherent, and you might have been at a loss of words, and we might have had pOOja the hen in the background, but it helped. surprisingly. oh, and that crazy music marathon. lol. you diverted my brain enough to let me breathe again and not choke up.

AM... you too. for diverting me, and not letting me obsess over it. for making me think of something else. dude..am soo gonna do up your room..! paint the glass, look up the antiques and wotnot. lol. and well, you know more about it than anyone else, so i guess you have a right to have an opinion on it, irrespective of whether i like it or not. for not letting me go on and on and on about it.

you guys make me look beyond the obvious shit, when i am so wound up in it all. this is wayyyy too cheesy a post and i am probably gonna be embarrassed about this PDA the moment i post it. but whatever. you guys deserve this. XX

THERE WILL BE NO WHITE FLAG ABOVE MY GRAVE...

new morning...new promises. small ones. to myself. i won't break down. well...not like last night, not again. and i will get out of it on my own. the way i always do. it's stupid, really, to expect anyone else to understand and empathise... to look for answers or comfort  from anyone but ourselves.

all i need is some time to myself. to put all the crap in my head aside, and just be. do things. think of other things. forget. prepare for work. uh, yeah right, however i do THAT. the point is, last night and today early morning, were stupid. there's no need for all this drama. it's not worth it. nothing is. and it's been way too long.

you told me there were was no third way about D, didn't you? well... you were right, for once. and i think i'm gonna take the latter route. to the extent possible.

no white flags baby... not now, not ever.

...as i sit, picking at my wound...

its 1.50 am. this is my 5th (??) blogpost for the day.. technically i would've preferred something else, but words, like always, are the only option i guess...
i've been doing various things the past 3 hours... made a sketch of Fyodor Dostoevsky, downloaded some music, watched Reality Bites for the umpteenth time.. talked to a few people.
it rained a few hours back.. bet the weather is a lot more pleasant right now than it has been for long.. i wish i could go out right now... not for much, but just a simple walk... the night's stillness might calm my restless mind...or maybe just sitting by myself up on the terrace, on my ledge...doing nothing... simply staring at that red light on top of the tower. my red light...we've shared so much over the years, haven't we? heh. maybe you could suggest how to stop these tears? but heh. the ac is soo cold right now.. it's almost frozen them on my cheeks...

heh. i know this phase won't last too long. but i wish it would end soon. it's lasted long enough!

lullaby for a stormy night

[the most amazing lullaby... something i would love for someone to sing to me as i fall asleep... OR, sing to my kids sometime down the line, while putting them to sleep... :) ]

Little child, be not afraid 
The rain pounds harsh against the glass 
Like an unwanted stranger 
There is no danger 
I am here tonight 

Little child 
Be not afraid 
Though thunder explodes 
And lightning flash 
Illuminates your tearstained face 
I am here tonight 

And someday you'll know 
That nature is so 
This same rain that draws you near me 
Falls on rivers and land 
And forests and sand 
Makes the beautiful world that you see 
In the morning 

Little child 
Be not afraid 
The storm clouds mask your beloved moon 
And its candlelight beams 
Still keep pleasant dreams 
I am here tonight 

Little child 
Be not afraid 
The wind makes creatures of our trees 
And the branches to hands 
They're not real, understand 
And I am here tonight 

And someday you'll know 
That nature is so 
This same rain that draws you near me 
Falls on rivers and land 
And forest and sand 
Makes the beautiful world that you see 
In the morning 

For you know, once even I 
Was a little child 
And I was afraid 
But a gentle someone always came 
To dry all my tears 
Trade sweet sleep for fears 
And to give a kiss goodnight 

Well, now I am grown 
And these days have shown 
Rain's a part of how life goes 
But it's dark and it's late 
So I'll hold you and wait 
'til your frightened eyes do close 

And I hope that you'll know 
That nature is so 
This same rain that draws you near me 
Falls on rivers and land 
And forests and sand 
Makes the beautiful world that you see 
In the morning 

Everything's fine in the morning 
The rain will be gone in the morning 
But I'll still be here in the morning

Obstinacy! WHAT should i do with you?! :|

blogging constantly. there's soo much to say, to express. but no outlet seems to suffice. just one thing will do. but it's the one thing that the ego and stupid pride won't permit. oh, obstinacy!

a book...yeah. that would definitely be a good idea. a book always works. an absorbing work of fiction, that transports from the real to a world only imagined..

LOVING HIM...


I fell for him,,
I don't know why.

A simple touch will do it all
His warm embrace is what I want

His smell lingers on me now,,
Thank God it does.
Maybe now I'll sleep tonight imagining him right by my side.

Perfect friends is what we are.
In love with him why did I fall..?




[ THIS IS A POEM, WRITTEN BY A FRIEND. SO SIMPLE, SO HONEST, SO ROMANTIC...
HERE'S THE LINK TO THE BLOG... DO CHECK IT OUT.
http://darkersideofwhite.blogspot.com/ ]

a lot of people i know are caught up in the perennial question of whether certain things should be put to rest or people you've held precious for so long, should you let go of them. these doubts and queries i've heard soo often in the recent times, they just seem rhetorical now. and well...they are things i have asked myself too, repeatedly. and after wasting a lot of time space and mind space and energy, i've reached a conclusion..

• if it doesn't feel like the end of the road, it isn't.
• once you realize that, stop fighting.
• things that are meant to be, always work out.
• if the reasons (for anything!) are convincing to YOU, then don't give a flying fuck about what anyone else thinks.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee,
And i'll forgive Thy great big one on me.

- Robert Frost, Cluster of Faith, 1962

Full Circle?

After 2 years...


The old fire has extinguished. Doused completely. Been a while now.

What had been left behind were ashes and embers.

Those too have now died.

Never hurried, but a slow prolonged natural end.

The place is now set for a new fire to be lit up.

It may blaze now, or may take ages.

Or never at all. But thats no more a worry..

Not right now anyway.

The ironic bit? Stray attempts at reigniting the old flame.

The one that was left unattended and in the middle of nowhere when it was itching to go higher.

And now, when its no longer yours, you seek to claim it again?

Forgive the disbelief...

THAT THIN LINE BETWEEN OPTIMISM AND FOOLISHNESS...

you know that feeling? that feeling you get when something happens just the way you've wanted it, for so long...
and then when it does happen, you're all happy and excited and think that maybe Luck has finally decided to be with you?
...only to realize that the reasons why it is happening, are completely different from the ones you had in mind.
brings you crashing down, i swear. and bitch about it on your blog.
sighhhhhhhhh... i should learn! high time! there's a fine line between optimism and being foolish, and i should realize it by now!

DC

i don't like change. especially if it involves people that i am close to. it takes so much getting used to... the entire changing of equation and everything. i miss my DC... he was the funnest coolest most amazing guy i knew. and now he is lost somewhere, just like so many others. sigh... i miss you DC :(

...Trying hard to reach out

But when I tried to speak out

Felt like no one could hear me

Wanted to belong here

But something felt so wrong here

So I prayed I could break away

...Wanna feel the warm breeze

Sleep under a palm tree

Feel the rush of the ocean

Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away
And breakaway

..Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors

Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but

Gotta keep moving on, moving on

Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings, and I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye

I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change

And breakaway

just a regular update!

news updates

1. i got a new comp finally.. yay!
2. exams have started... boohoo!
3. osama is dead...apparently?
4. for once in my life i am not being able to figure something, someone out.
5. i figured how Atoms work on your cell phones...awesome web feeds!
6. i think i am a bit paradoxical...or not???

i can't think of anything else interesting enough to put here.
off for now!