Have you ever had those times when you have managed to convince yourself that you want something? That you will do something. That all it requires, is a single push from you. That you care about something or someone. That you are, somewhere in there, the same person that you were 8 years back.
... And then have you seen those false premises break in front of your very own eyes? Feel them desert you inside? The words that you use, sound hollow to your own ears. The negatives start overpowering the positives of an idea even before it has formulated completely, germinated. No matter how much, for what, or for who you cared, you realize they are NOT your responsibility? The change that others see and you feel, is permanent. That even if you were wiser, maturer, more focused and determined at the age of 17 than you are right now, it still IS you.
And it's okay. You haven't necessarily let go of yourself, but simply broadened your horizons beyond the familiar. You have allowed yourself to think and dream of things which you didn't, at that point. You have probably allowed yourself to be honest with yourself.
Some of these realizations make you happy, ecstatic even. Like the knowledge of letting go of the rotten egg in favor of a freshly baked bread loaf from the oven?
Others aren't quite so pleasant. Foremost among those, is the acknowledgement of the reasons for the lack of energy with respect to what you are doing with your life. It isn't your end goal. And you know it. And you can't fool yourself into convincing yourself to do something you don't even care for in the first place. The motivations, the driving forces will always desert you. But then there ARE reasons why you stick on, the major ones being...
1. you have done this for so long, you are scared you don't know anything else.
2. you can feel the confidence of your loved ones in you dwindle. People who once believed you to be unbeatable and your self confidence unshakable, are now forced to wonder if you can even just merely make it through.
3. this one thing is bringing your life to a standstill. Everything else has been put to a stop. Life is going about in circles of those same 6 months, changing into each other. And you feel helpless, caught in the vicious circle.
4. all things said and done, this IS a BRILLIANT all access pass into the corridors and areas you seek to explore and finally make your own. So why quit now, at the last leg?
Then you suddenly read something which reminds you of the dream you saw when you were but 15.. the one that motivated you to give it your EVERYTHING when you were but a child. The dream that you lost somewhere between all this, and forgot about... But you saw it again today. You saw it other people's eyes too, and saw them work for it. And it made you see...
And so, it SHALL be done. Maybe kind of slowly, but definitely.
PS- You know GM, i admire you so much.. your conviction, your belief, your passion. The way you refuse to give up. How you conquer your fears, face your demons instead of running from them like a coward. For being so unorthodox and willing to accept change, take up risks. And that too, so early on. I know i pick on you like crazy, but that doesn't take away from the fact that i respect what you wish to do, where you wish to go, and what are you doing for it.
