Dad.. The silent solid wall
Mum.. The bridge, the lifeline of the entire house
Sister.. The confidante, the shadow
Nana.. The biggest wellwisher
Boyfriend (soon to be fiance).. The complimentary half that's my biggest support.
These five relationships are like pieces of my puzzle.. They sum up my life and me in five sentences like nothing else can.
It's 2.32 in the morning, and I feel so ALONE right now..
The burden of my failure is crashing on me from every side, even as my head throbs while I type. I've spent the last one hour crying to myself, pitying myself, feeling sorry for myself.. And chiding myself for every lost opportunity..
But isn't this the same road you tread every six months!? Isn't this self doubt a sort of a part of your life by now? Why then do you wish for a friendly ear or a patient hug or a giant shoulder for your tears? My dear girl, you of all the people should be made of iron by now! And what right do you have to ask all this?! You've never really worked as hard for this degree as everybody else.. You have always considered yourself to be more intelligent than all of them.. Laughed at their accomplishment, patronizingly assuming that their result is not for their hard work and dedication but for their rote learning and lack of anything else remotely interesting enough in their lives to otherwise occupy them. You have always assumed that because you are a little intelligent, you have a higher claim on this world and what it has to offer? That's worse than any kind of dynastic mentality or any form of nepotism. Your pride, my dear girl, has royally and irrevocably come to fall. Now what are you going to do about it?
I don't know! I just don't know.. Do I leave this and look for something new? Or do I persevere more and hope that I work hard enough to truly change the tide? Do I have the guts to take up something new at this stage? Or am I willing to take on the challenge of conquering my demons and prove to everyone that I can actually still do whatever I aim for?
Whatever it is that you wish to do, know this.. There's no turning back. And there are no short cuts. You are either going to be in it with everything u got, or you might as well not try either and merely sit at home for some time longer.
Please dear God..
If you exist and if you care about me to pay attention to me, listen to what I have to say.. Please make my Nana okay. Take away his pain and make him happy and healthy, let him be happy and relaxed in the winter of his life.
Amen
Life is changing.. And then again, it isn't. Some aspects are about to change forever.. And the others are as stagnant as ever. Something new is now going to happen or change daily.. And some other things will remain stuck in their same old places, like they've been for years. My concern.. How's this fluidity on one hand, and this stagnation going to gel together??
