DUNIYA KA SABSE BADA ROG, KYA KAHENGE LOG!

Self worth.. the phrase that has been going around in my head since morning. What got me thinking about it? A conversation with someone very close and very dear to me. She is facing a problem, but has sort of become indifferent to it. When i suggested that why don't you share your feelings and fears and insecurities with those immediately around you, she refused point blank, stating categorically that she has no confidence in them. And went on a step further to add that she feels that the self doubt and issues in her mind right now, are a result of ignorant emotional attacks by those very people, wherein, while expressing their uninhibited concern and support for something in a not so positive way, they ended up being the reason for self doubt and lack of self worth in her

Why do we do this? Why do we overstep our lines and destroy somebody's confidence or worth or value, simply because they do not adhere to the ideal image that we have in our heads? Why is it so important to you that the other person looks, talks, walks, think, or for that matter breathes, in the manner you seem fit? No matter how close you are to them, you can NOT become that person! You can NOT take up the onus of judging them AND THEN, take up the responsibility of setting the list of action items they need to undertake in order to fall in line. How atrocious and ignorant of you! Do you realize what you do? The 'concern' that you have shown over all these years, has wiped away slowly at the feeling of self worth that is the basic right of that very person! If anything, your responsibility is to help that very person for that very thing, by lending them all the positivity and strength that you can muster. Stop taunting and shaming them, and start with some understanding, some counselling, some encouragement, and lots of strength. Tell her that she's perfect the way she is, that there are so many qualities in her that even you don't possess, that her personality outshines then sheen brought on by the most expensive of illuminators. That when you listen to stories of others, your heart swells with gratitude and your head goes a little higher with pride. That her inherent potential, her skills, and her dogged persistence, makes her jewel in today's world!

There are times when we all fail to do these things - appreciate a person for who she is, NOT BECAUSE we don't value them  or don't recognize their worth, but because we love them so much, or because we want so much MORE for them, we want everything to be added in that one little human spirit, to make it bigger and bigger, just like the love that we feel for them or the wishes that we seek for them. But then, without realizing it, we are creating our own shackles around them, which bind them and tear at them bit by bit, till it leaves  behind only a fragment of what once was.. Don't do it. Don't destroy something precious in your attempts to protect it and harness it. You will never even realize the damage that you instil..

And you, don't you let it chip away at yourself. You are more than just words, or taunts, or opinions. You are bigger than anything else in your own universe. Your first responsibility, today and always, is only and only towards yourself. Only when you yourself are happy, can you ever make anyone or anything happy. And nobody has the right to make you feel anything that you don't wish to. They can say whatever the fuck they want, but it can't be worth anything ONLY WHEN you decide to give it any weight. You are stronger than that. You are stronger than anything else. Because you have absolute and uncontrolled power over one thing and only one thing in this planet - yourself. Don't squander it away, don't delegate it to anybody else. Your own willpower will guide you, your own reasons will guide you.. give them freeway. Let facts and situations talk to you. Listen to that voice inside of you, which tells you the most honest thing. Don't ignore it, not in the favor of the cacophony around you, and most certainly not in the favour of that little elf called Self Pity. These two things will always try and overpower you. But they can, only if YOU let them, Don't let them.

The entire day today, I've been wondering about one thing - when did I stop trusting  my own validation of myself, and when did I start looking for it outside? Was it because I was always a fat child, a fat girl, and I always felt inferior to my other friends, who were all (and still are!) strikingly shapely and beautiful as far back as I can remember? Was it the fact that this one thing made me feel so small about myself, I started depending upon the kind words spoken by others, appreciating my naturally sharp features and pretty face? Did I start looking for that compensation everywhere, fishing  for those few words, to quench my thirst for appreciation that usually fell in the laps of my more dainty friends? Perhaps. And funnily enough, now I feel no sense of shame or embarrassment in admitting to it on a public forum. It's definitely not the easiest thing  to say, but it doesn't really matter to me anymore. Because I'm not insecure anymore about what I am or how I look. And I'm equally unashamed to admit to the fact that it has as much to do with the fact that I understand myself more, as the fact that I understand those very people a lot better today. And they aren't as perfect or beyond reproach as my naive mind once felt they were.

And yet, I regret that small loss of control and independence over my confidence even now, more than I regret feeling inferior or superior or whatever. Because it sort of travelled to other aspects of my personality. I started looking for validation and ratification from others. I always had a knack for words, and that ability came from the fact that I felt everything I wrote, and I wrote only what I felt. But then, besides a few cases here and there, those words became jargon. They sounded good, damn they sounded good! They sounded so good in my head and while I said them, that I loved the idea of believing them. They made me sound ambitious, smart, intelligent, intellectual, and very very corporate. Ambitious I'd always been. But now, it was more like commercial ambition. And this path seemed easier than the one I'd originally thought for myself anyway, because there, I'd have had to write my own course of action. Here, the path was well written and everyone was walking it! And where I was skeptical, I looked for guidance towards others.. Who well meaning as they were, could never be me, and hence could never give me the advice that I was subconsciously craving or truly in the need of. They were risk averse and always believed in playing safe, which worked brilliantly for them. And so, without questioning much, I once again looked for the path, the route outside, and then endeavored to walk it. And because it didn't really mean much to me, I looked for approval from outside for my small victories and feared the disapproval and disappointment that accompanied my failures. I judged myself, and allowed people to judge me. To the extent that I couldn't hear what my own mind was saying anymore..

And it took me ages to realize how horribly caught up i had become in this vicious circle of my own making. And how important it is for me to get out of it! The personality complexes, the constant inward comparisons, questioning the intentions of the most normal things, doubting support that came my way, and worst of all, looking at smallest of achievements as if I'd conquered the whole world and self proclaiming myself as a cut above the rest.. Conflicting  personality traits, bursts of anger, extreme mood swings, constant self pity.. You name it and i was feeling it. And justifying it all in my head. All for what? To convince myself that the decisions I'd taken over all these years were actually not all that bad...

It took a lot of patience on my end as well as those who were closest to me (unaware as they are of the reasons for my erratic behaviour), and a lot of undoing of all that negativity in my head to get to this point now when I can so objectively talk about it, write about it. I'm still a work in progress and it will still take me a long time to reach those levels of confidence that I had when I was a mere 16 year old.. But I am trying, a little too slowly perhaps, but I am..

I have been in transit all this time, between office and home. And somehow this constant movement of the cab has proven to be more settling  for my thoughts than a stagnant sit down approach would have been. I basically wanted to pen this all down somewhere before I took any steps towards a new beginning, where I am going to try and push my own boundaries for the first time, and allow myself to experiment with things I feel I might be decent at. So there!

Mumma.. I miss you. I miss your warmth. I miss being able to lie next to you, holding onto you, without having to explain myself. I miss your hands in my hair, your soothing words. Nobody can take your place or make my heart and mind feel calm the way you can. Just knowing you're next to me, talking to you, have you talk to me.. Laughing with you, joking with you, pulling your leg.. Fighting with you, crying when you shout at me.. Sharing my problems with you and Mona..

.. Who do I turn to, who can do for me what you could, without judging me, without forming any opinions about me. Neither you nor daddy.. No matter how you disapproved of some aspects of mine, your words never made me feel do despondent. I'm missing you guys so much. Staying away from you people is harder every time anything makes me realize how irreplaceable you guys are. I love you! I can't wait for the next time I come for a long long time.

Murphy Returns

Worst mood possible! Hot sticky evening, and I'm in an auto on my way back home from work. After having waited on the road for 30 mins to get a conveyance of ANY form. The auto guy just had to get gas refilled today. The weather is sticky and humid and I'm sweating buckets, sticky all over. As the auto moves, the breeze slightly blows. But then, we get stick at the signal once again. And the auto driver is sweating dollops as well, and stinking of mouldy stuff.  Yeurgh!! God knows how my judgemental ass is smelling to others though! And now I have to go to one of those highbrow South Delhi malls, all messed up. Oh man! I want to vent off on someone /something!!

Of all the days, why did I choose this opportune day to travel by auto you ask? Well, because as today happens to be my lucky day, my phone internet stopped working because of which  I couldn't book a pool ride.

END OF AN ERA.. OR MAYBE TWO

so, there it is, in big bold letters. End of an era. All those age old crushes, those subjects of my puppy love, my adulation, the reasons behind my heartache, and some of the most moving (hell, at that time!) posts.. they are all now officially either married or betrothed. And lo and behold, SO AM I!

I have just spent a good part of last one hour trying to stalk one of these people, and their would be. And no, WITHOUT the remotest of emotional turmoils.. no envy, no ego, no heartache, nothing. Well, okay, maybe, a little bit of that ego thing, which makes you wonder as to what the man might have seen in this lady! But that was a passing whim, and is not really the focul point of this post.

The point is, i realized today how fluid everything in life is. And how we are designed to evolve and adapt.We only have to allow ourselves the chance to do so.To know when we have reached our saturation levels, and to know that obstinately sticking to that one thing (or person) is not really the best thing for us. To know when to call it quits, whether it is with respect to a lost love, a career going nowhere, or a degree, or any other tragedy. There is always an option of a Plan B, we just have to be willing to accept failure, and look towards it. There's no second guessing of the power that this gives you! Because when you accept this small thing, it is YOU who is choosing to walk away from something which is clearly NOT good for you, instead of leaving yourself at its' mercy. And that's a huge achievement in itself!

I fell for around 4 people, before i finally met the GB. And all of those times, it was unrequited. Well, partly at least. One of them was came close to being a real relationship, but it was toxic as it could be. I was trying to be somebody else's saviour, and destroying my life in my attempts to do so. I as an individual, held no value for the other person, except maybe being their fallback option. And i was okay with all of it, till i finally reached my saturation level, and my eyes opened to the fact that he was completely hollow, and i actually did not trust him at all. Because he had nothing worth offering to me, and i wanted SO much more than most anyway! He could never be the prince of my fairy tale because he himself needed saving! He was drained and empty. And he was trying to drown out his misery by clinging on to me, and making me his crutch. And the moment that realization dawned, i never looked back, I never felt the need to.

Because i then came across this other person, who actually made me realize what being a 'man' truly meant. What it meant to trust, to depend, and to be basically offered everything unconditionally. For the first time in my life, i felt like i belonged! And all this only happened when i chose to take a call with respect to my life, and walk away just at the right time. Any sooner, i would have probably not learnt the life lessons that i did, and any later, i would have probably missed out on my GB!

And this.. THIS is what i want to explain to myself once again at this stage in my life, to realize that time has come once again to take some more tough decisions, and make them your life choices. 

Two people who give up on their own comfort and pleasures, just to ensure that you have everything you want for. That you are protected and sheltered. They might not indulge you and your whims on the face of it, or encourage you to buy those big brands, but when you need that money for a reason, it WILL be there, without even a second thought, and only God knows from where! They are like your emergency credit card. For themselves, they will think, and think thrice, before they buy anything. But for you, they always want to make sure that you have what you want, even if they do try and exercise a little bit of rationality while looking at the tags. Oh yeah, they will negotiate even the smallest rise in your pocket money/allowance. But i believe that's just a ploy to help you become a better negotiator haha! Oops.. just realized i haven't specifically mentioned i am talking about parents. Then again, who could have assumed otherwise, reading what i have written thus far, heh.

But what happens when you grow up and aren't really dependent upon them for all your whims and fancies? Oh sure, you talk about independence and our rights and their duties and individual choice. But how do you REALLY strike a balance with all these things, and a genuine feeling that you are what you are because of them and their small sacrifices over these many years? Do you continue to be okay with how they still treat you like the young one, looking out for you, trying to advise you about things, telling you what's best for you and what isn't good for you at all, protecting you and sheltering you? Or do you simply shout and fight, trying to exercise the good ol' "my life, my choice!" right? How do you ensure that you become an independent, open minded, confident individual who doesn't depend on them for his or her needs, without becoming a stranger to them and breaking their heart?

I am 27 and still struggling to figure THAT one out! It would be nice to know what others think as well! ;)