Zindagi... kaisi yeh paheli haaye!
Kabhi yeh hasaaye, kabhi ye rulaaye!
Nahi samajh aata kis taraf jaa rahi hoon main.. kahaan jaa rahi hoon. Kaise jaa rahi hoon. Kahi jaa bhi rahi hoon kya? Ya phir bina pata hue wahin khadi reh gayi hoon..
Kahaan kabhi chahti thi ki kisi cheez se na bandh jaaun. Kisi ko koi jawaab na dena pade, rishte aur unke saath ki uljhano se door bhaag jaaun.. aur aaj aisa lagta hai unhi mein lipat kar reh gayi hoon.
Magar galti kisi aur ki nahi hai.. galti sirf meri hai. Kyunki maine kabhi apne aap ko apni khud ki nazar se naa hi dekhne ki koshish ki, na samajhne ki. Bas hamesha doosron ki hi nazar se apne ko dekhne ki koshish karti rahi. Hamesha dhyaan isi mein raha ki meri kareebi log mujhse kya chahte hain, mujhme kya chahte hain. Kya sochte hain woh mere baare mein.. sab accha hi sochte hain na, ya phir unhe kuch naa pasand hai mere me? Shayad main agar ye kar loon to mujhe thoda better samjhenge, aur agar yeh kar lun, to shaayad woh bhi mujhe utna hi pyaar karenge jitna main karti hoon unhe..
ye sochte sochte main apne aap ko aaj tak kabhi aise badalti rahi hoon, to kabhi waise. Aur ab haal aisa hai ki main khud hi bhool gayi hoon ki main khudse kya chahti hoon. Nahi samajh paa rahi hoon ye kya chal raha hai mere dil me, mere dimaag mein. Ye ajeeb si hulchul kyun hai? Yeh chidchidapan kyun hai? Doosron ki pasand napasand ki shatranj khelte khelte, shaayad main apni hi zindagi ka sirf ek pyaada ban gayi hoon. Hona to rani tha, magar mujhe lagta nahi main kabhi apne aap ko itni acchi tarha samajh bhi paaungi.
Dar lagta hai mujhe. Kaise samjhoon apne aap ko main. Kaise is paheli ko suljhaun? Mere andar ki ye hulchul ab to mere har roz ki baaton mein bhi dikhne lagi hai. Choti choti baaton par gussa aa jaata hai mujhe. Main unpar Alok se jhagad leti hoon. Kuch bhi akele nahi chhoda jaata. Jab tak har cheez ko kured kured kar usko acche kheench kar, tod kar, marod kar us baat ko khatam nahi kar paati, use khatam nahi hone deti. Kya karoon main?! Mujhe pata hai ki jab tak mere andar woh shaanti nahi aayegi, jab tak main khud ko nahi dhoond lungi, main kabhi is kami ko nahi poora kar paaungi. Mujhe jo chahiye, main uska jawaab baahar kisi cheez mein, ya kisi aur mein nahi dhoond sakti. Woh sirf mere hi andar mujhe milega.. magar kaise dhoondo? kaise us tak pauhnchu?
