Turning unfaithful..

To all of you who have been visiting my blog over all these years.. thank you. thank you for making me feel that there was something that i have been doing for more than a decade now (!!) that did have some meaning. Believe it or not, the thought that i have been read by so many of you, that there are people who though might not have been following me, have still looked up my blog and read what i wrote, gave me so much confidence, words can't express it.

However, i feel that after all these years, i am finally ready for something new. So i am shifting my blog to wordpress.com. It's still not my own domain yet, i know, but someday soon i promise. Till then, please DO keep reading my thoughts, becoming a part of my world, and show some love on the new blog! My new blog's name is Random Thoughts (big surprise, that lol!), and the URL is https://kritzmat.wordpress.com/ .

Please continue to visit the new page, and do share your thoughts, your opinions with me through your comments. Continue to share with me what resonates with you, what you like, or even what you don't.

So long, Blogspot! Thank you for having given me this beautiful outlet for my thoughts and feelings. You will always be my first :)

IF I COULD (By Maurice Yvonne)

if i could, 

 i'd wish a magic wand.

 if i could,

 i would build dreams

 brick by brick 

 the kind

 one could hang on to

 one could live in.

 if i could, 

 imagine

 upside down 

 rainbows 

 so the sky 

 baby blue

 would look as if

 it was smiling. 

 my bestest hope

 wipe away the tears from

 the hungry 

 the abused 

the sickly children

 and elderly. 

 this first, 

fore all else,

 yes the children and the elderly. 

if i could, 

 replace every tear with a smile 

 a hug

 a tickle 

if i could, 

snap my fingers make money obsolete,  

plenty for everybody to share.

clap my hands medical care everywhere would be there.

in my heart, live dried out tears.

there, i hear the pulse of our planet. 

so many good people, 

people who care.

there's a black venom 

such a small dose 

affects the masses. 

if i could,

supply all with the antidote.

if i could, 

i would build an arc 

sail 'till the world was cleansed 

move in with everyone 

on one land. 

call it OURS. 

yes definitely OURS. 

i like that name. 

i can't. 

i can't do all those things. 

i can kiss where it hurts. 

 give hugs freely. 

 give what possessions, 

 i can do without, 

 share my physical wealth. 

i fear nothing. 

 least of all poverty 

 happy to share what i can. 

i can offer you my love 

love comes easy to me. 

it never feels like enough. 

but i am here, arms wide open. 

tell me what is it you need, how can i help. 

i love you, unconditionally.

[I came across this poem on this website called Poetry Soup. It was so raw, so beautiful i couldn't help but re post it here. Whoever you are Yvonne, know that your words resonate with me, and affect me like things haven't in a long long while. You are one beautiful soul, whoever you are.

The original link where i found this poem is: https://www.poetrysoup.com/poem/if_i_could_625737 ]

I am now beginning to understand the differences between fairytale romance as we are exposed to, and real life love. In real life, the stories do not end with merely the girl and the boy walking away into the sunset hand in hand, after having won their love against all odds.

It goes beyond those small insignificant problems that you might have been used to thus far. It's about how you understand your partner. Whether you look at their feelings as being free of you/independent of you, or whether you look at them from your lens, and only stay fixated on yourself.

It's about expectations - where do you draw a line on what/how much you can expect from them.

It's about whether you recognize and respect your differences for real, accept that you both might be different as light and day, or do you try and colour the other in your colors, expect them to be like you, feel like you, love like you, be like you.

It's about NOT pretending. About having to feel the burden of always being right in the other person's eyes. Of taking that freedom of thought, emotions, actions and feelings for granted, and not feeling OBLIGATED to behave a certain way and act a certain way, afraid to be yourself for the fear of hurting the other.

It's about establishing trust, and not taking its existence for granted. It's about when somebody entrusts you with their confidence and considers you trustworthy enough to be themselves around you, to cherish and value that trust. To acknowledge that the person in front of you is an individual in their own right, and NOT someone you have chosen to merely echo your feelings and thoughts and opinions.

It's about giving as much as taking. When you want someone to be physically and emotionally invested in you, you need to ensure that you make it worth their while.

And more than anything else, it's about understanding that the relationship is worth it all only when you view your partner as an EQUAL, not just in words and on paper or while talking in social circles, but in your mind, actions, opinions and expectations.

Know that what you are, who you are, as an individual, stays. When you accept someone in your life and are willing to make them a permanent part of you, KNOW that you are putting them above all others in your life. But NEVER above yourself. And NEVER beneath yourself. Always an equal.

Zindagi.. Kaisi Yeh Paheli Haaye!

Zindagi... kaisi yeh paheli haaye!

Kabhi yeh hasaaye, kabhi ye rulaaye!

Nahi samajh aata kis taraf jaa rahi hoon main.. kahaan jaa rahi hoon. Kaise jaa rahi hoon. Kahi jaa bhi rahi hoon kya? Ya phir bina pata hue wahin khadi reh gayi hoon.. 

Kahaan kabhi chahti thi ki kisi cheez se na bandh jaaun. Kisi ko koi jawaab na dena pade, rishte aur unke saath ki uljhano se door bhaag jaaun.. aur aaj aisa lagta hai unhi mein lipat kar reh gayi hoon.

Magar galti kisi aur ki nahi hai.. galti sirf meri hai. Kyunki maine kabhi apne aap ko apni khud ki nazar se naa hi dekhne ki koshish ki, na samajhne ki. Bas hamesha doosron ki hi nazar se apne ko dekhne ki koshish karti rahi. Hamesha dhyaan isi mein raha ki meri kareebi log mujhse kya chahte hain, mujhme kya chahte hain. Kya sochte hain woh mere baare mein.. sab accha hi sochte hain na, ya phir unhe kuch naa pasand hai mere me? Shayad main agar ye kar loon to mujhe thoda better samjhenge, aur agar yeh kar lun, to shaayad woh bhi mujhe utna hi pyaar karenge jitna main karti hoon unhe..

ye sochte sochte main apne aap ko aaj tak kabhi aise badalti rahi hoon, to kabhi waise. Aur ab haal aisa hai ki main khud hi bhool gayi hoon ki main khudse kya chahti hoon. Nahi samajh paa rahi hoon ye kya chal raha hai mere dil me, mere dimaag mein. Ye ajeeb si hulchul kyun hai? Yeh chidchidapan kyun hai? Doosron ki pasand napasand ki shatranj khelte khelte, shaayad main apni hi zindagi ka sirf ek pyaada ban gayi hoon. Hona to rani tha, magar mujhe lagta nahi main kabhi apne aap ko itni acchi tarha samajh bhi paaungi. 

Dar lagta hai mujhe. Kaise samjhoon apne aap ko main. Kaise is paheli ko suljhaun? Mere andar ki ye hulchul ab to mere har roz ki baaton mein bhi dikhne lagi hai. Choti choti baaton par gussa aa jaata hai mujhe. Main unpar Alok se jhagad leti hoon. Kuch bhi akele nahi chhoda jaata. Jab tak har cheez ko kured kured kar usko acche kheench kar, tod kar, marod kar us baat ko khatam nahi kar paati, use khatam nahi hone deti. Kya karoon main?! Mujhe pata hai ki jab tak mere andar woh shaanti nahi aayegi, jab tak main khud ko nahi dhoond lungi, main kabhi is kami ko nahi poora kar paaungi. Mujhe jo chahiye, main uska jawaab baahar kisi cheez mein, ya kisi aur mein nahi dhoond sakti. Woh sirf mere hi andar mujhe milega.. magar kaise dhoondo? kaise us tak pauhnchu? 

Sometimes we are so wrapped up in our own zone and our own world, we fail to pay any heed to how our words or actions, no matter how insignificant they might seem to us,a affect those around us. And more often than not, we do this barbaric thing with people who are closest to us, whom we have the power to affect the most.
It's really sad when it happens, but what might worsen the blow is a pre existing weakness in the other person, which you trigger unintentionally when you talk heedlessly.
And that's what i request of everyone who's reading this blog post.. Please, no matter how close you might be to someone, no matter whether they're your soulmates or childhood buddies or children or parents or whatever else.. Please please please, stop a minute before you say things to these people. It's not as much about how harsh or ordinary your words are, it's about the impact they have on the one who's listening. And surely, if they genuinely are as important to you as you claim, you would be aware of the potential impact of your words on them, nay? For what's most banal for you could be profuse for the other. And once the damage is done, the hurt cannot be simply wished away.. Nor the showdown that might follow it.

It's 2 AM by the clock, and I'm still wide awake. Had a fabulous evening where the husband cooked an amazing dinner of veg potpourri and toast, post which we watched The Girl on The Train with a drink each. He's now pleasantly asleep, but sleep eludes me right now. So here I am, fixing myself some cup noodles and reading a good book while listening to some Eric Clapton. Can't say am missing sleep.. This solitude just feels too nice. :)
Ah well! Sweet dreams, you all!

Now that I'm married and have become an aunt by extension, and have had the chance to observe some of those typical parents and children interactions, I can say that we as adults are less than perfect towards children in a number of ways! Because I feel that, in our wish to continuously protect them and be around them and shield them and feed them, we are smothering them. Even when we are right,  I feel we are partly wrong. Why? Because we give them the answers even before they have asked a question! Because we feed into their tiny heads what they should or shouldn't do, even before they realize the choices in front of them. Because we want to protect them from the cold or the rain or the heat, irrespective of whether the weather is that formidable or not. Because we forget what it felt like when we were young, and loved to go out in the rain and get wet, or eat those ice lollies or run around in the sweat and the mud, or..

I see kids and their mothers and try and compare it with how it was when I was a child.. Were we also constantly told how to do this or that, wear this or that, eat this or that, think this way or that way?

I wonder if aren't we hampering their own experiences by cushioning them too much? By having one long list of DO's and DON'Ts, instead of raising disciplined individuals, aren't we raising biased individuals? Breathe please, and let them breathe as well!

DUNIYA KA SABSE BADA ROG, KYA KAHENGE LOG!

Self worth.. the phrase that has been going around in my head since morning. What got me thinking about it? A conversation with someone very close and very dear to me. She is facing a problem, but has sort of become indifferent to it. When i suggested that why don't you share your feelings and fears and insecurities with those immediately around you, she refused point blank, stating categorically that she has no confidence in them. And went on a step further to add that she feels that the self doubt and issues in her mind right now, are a result of ignorant emotional attacks by those very people, wherein, while expressing their uninhibited concern and support for something in a not so positive way, they ended up being the reason for self doubt and lack of self worth in her

Why do we do this? Why do we overstep our lines and destroy somebody's confidence or worth or value, simply because they do not adhere to the ideal image that we have in our heads? Why is it so important to you that the other person looks, talks, walks, think, or for that matter breathes, in the manner you seem fit? No matter how close you are to them, you can NOT become that person! You can NOT take up the onus of judging them AND THEN, take up the responsibility of setting the list of action items they need to undertake in order to fall in line. How atrocious and ignorant of you! Do you realize what you do? The 'concern' that you have shown over all these years, has wiped away slowly at the feeling of self worth that is the basic right of that very person! If anything, your responsibility is to help that very person for that very thing, by lending them all the positivity and strength that you can muster. Stop taunting and shaming them, and start with some understanding, some counselling, some encouragement, and lots of strength. Tell her that she's perfect the way she is, that there are so many qualities in her that even you don't possess, that her personality outshines then sheen brought on by the most expensive of illuminators. That when you listen to stories of others, your heart swells with gratitude and your head goes a little higher with pride. That her inherent potential, her skills, and her dogged persistence, makes her jewel in today's world!

There are times when we all fail to do these things - appreciate a person for who she is, NOT BECAUSE we don't value them  or don't recognize their worth, but because we love them so much, or because we want so much MORE for them, we want everything to be added in that one little human spirit, to make it bigger and bigger, just like the love that we feel for them or the wishes that we seek for them. But then, without realizing it, we are creating our own shackles around them, which bind them and tear at them bit by bit, till it leaves  behind only a fragment of what once was.. Don't do it. Don't destroy something precious in your attempts to protect it and harness it. You will never even realize the damage that you instil..

And you, don't you let it chip away at yourself. You are more than just words, or taunts, or opinions. You are bigger than anything else in your own universe. Your first responsibility, today and always, is only and only towards yourself. Only when you yourself are happy, can you ever make anyone or anything happy. And nobody has the right to make you feel anything that you don't wish to. They can say whatever the fuck they want, but it can't be worth anything ONLY WHEN you decide to give it any weight. You are stronger than that. You are stronger than anything else. Because you have absolute and uncontrolled power over one thing and only one thing in this planet - yourself. Don't squander it away, don't delegate it to anybody else. Your own willpower will guide you, your own reasons will guide you.. give them freeway. Let facts and situations talk to you. Listen to that voice inside of you, which tells you the most honest thing. Don't ignore it, not in the favor of the cacophony around you, and most certainly not in the favour of that little elf called Self Pity. These two things will always try and overpower you. But they can, only if YOU let them, Don't let them.

The entire day today, I've been wondering about one thing - when did I stop trusting  my own validation of myself, and when did I start looking for it outside? Was it because I was always a fat child, a fat girl, and I always felt inferior to my other friends, who were all (and still are!) strikingly shapely and beautiful as far back as I can remember? Was it the fact that this one thing made me feel so small about myself, I started depending upon the kind words spoken by others, appreciating my naturally sharp features and pretty face? Did I start looking for that compensation everywhere, fishing  for those few words, to quench my thirst for appreciation that usually fell in the laps of my more dainty friends? Perhaps. And funnily enough, now I feel no sense of shame or embarrassment in admitting to it on a public forum. It's definitely not the easiest thing  to say, but it doesn't really matter to me anymore. Because I'm not insecure anymore about what I am or how I look. And I'm equally unashamed to admit to the fact that it has as much to do with the fact that I understand myself more, as the fact that I understand those very people a lot better today. And they aren't as perfect or beyond reproach as my naive mind once felt they were.

And yet, I regret that small loss of control and independence over my confidence even now, more than I regret feeling inferior or superior or whatever. Because it sort of travelled to other aspects of my personality. I started looking for validation and ratification from others. I always had a knack for words, and that ability came from the fact that I felt everything I wrote, and I wrote only what I felt. But then, besides a few cases here and there, those words became jargon. They sounded good, damn they sounded good! They sounded so good in my head and while I said them, that I loved the idea of believing them. They made me sound ambitious, smart, intelligent, intellectual, and very very corporate. Ambitious I'd always been. But now, it was more like commercial ambition. And this path seemed easier than the one I'd originally thought for myself anyway, because there, I'd have had to write my own course of action. Here, the path was well written and everyone was walking it! And where I was skeptical, I looked for guidance towards others.. Who well meaning as they were, could never be me, and hence could never give me the advice that I was subconsciously craving or truly in the need of. They were risk averse and always believed in playing safe, which worked brilliantly for them. And so, without questioning much, I once again looked for the path, the route outside, and then endeavored to walk it. And because it didn't really mean much to me, I looked for approval from outside for my small victories and feared the disapproval and disappointment that accompanied my failures. I judged myself, and allowed people to judge me. To the extent that I couldn't hear what my own mind was saying anymore..

And it took me ages to realize how horribly caught up i had become in this vicious circle of my own making. And how important it is for me to get out of it! The personality complexes, the constant inward comparisons, questioning the intentions of the most normal things, doubting support that came my way, and worst of all, looking at smallest of achievements as if I'd conquered the whole world and self proclaiming myself as a cut above the rest.. Conflicting  personality traits, bursts of anger, extreme mood swings, constant self pity.. You name it and i was feeling it. And justifying it all in my head. All for what? To convince myself that the decisions I'd taken over all these years were actually not all that bad...

It took a lot of patience on my end as well as those who were closest to me (unaware as they are of the reasons for my erratic behaviour), and a lot of undoing of all that negativity in my head to get to this point now when I can so objectively talk about it, write about it. I'm still a work in progress and it will still take me a long time to reach those levels of confidence that I had when I was a mere 16 year old.. But I am trying, a little too slowly perhaps, but I am..

I have been in transit all this time, between office and home. And somehow this constant movement of the cab has proven to be more settling  for my thoughts than a stagnant sit down approach would have been. I basically wanted to pen this all down somewhere before I took any steps towards a new beginning, where I am going to try and push my own boundaries for the first time, and allow myself to experiment with things I feel I might be decent at. So there!

Mumma.. I miss you. I miss your warmth. I miss being able to lie next to you, holding onto you, without having to explain myself. I miss your hands in my hair, your soothing words. Nobody can take your place or make my heart and mind feel calm the way you can. Just knowing you're next to me, talking to you, have you talk to me.. Laughing with you, joking with you, pulling your leg.. Fighting with you, crying when you shout at me.. Sharing my problems with you and Mona..

.. Who do I turn to, who can do for me what you could, without judging me, without forming any opinions about me. Neither you nor daddy.. No matter how you disapproved of some aspects of mine, your words never made me feel do despondent. I'm missing you guys so much. Staying away from you people is harder every time anything makes me realize how irreplaceable you guys are. I love you! I can't wait for the next time I come for a long long time.

Murphy Returns

Worst mood possible! Hot sticky evening, and I'm in an auto on my way back home from work. After having waited on the road for 30 mins to get a conveyance of ANY form. The auto guy just had to get gas refilled today. The weather is sticky and humid and I'm sweating buckets, sticky all over. As the auto moves, the breeze slightly blows. But then, we get stick at the signal once again. And the auto driver is sweating dollops as well, and stinking of mouldy stuff.  Yeurgh!! God knows how my judgemental ass is smelling to others though! And now I have to go to one of those highbrow South Delhi malls, all messed up. Oh man! I want to vent off on someone /something!!

Of all the days, why did I choose this opportune day to travel by auto you ask? Well, because as today happens to be my lucky day, my phone internet stopped working because of which  I couldn't book a pool ride.

END OF AN ERA.. OR MAYBE TWO

so, there it is, in big bold letters. End of an era. All those age old crushes, those subjects of my puppy love, my adulation, the reasons behind my heartache, and some of the most moving (hell, at that time!) posts.. they are all now officially either married or betrothed. And lo and behold, SO AM I!

I have just spent a good part of last one hour trying to stalk one of these people, and their would be. And no, WITHOUT the remotest of emotional turmoils.. no envy, no ego, no heartache, nothing. Well, okay, maybe, a little bit of that ego thing, which makes you wonder as to what the man might have seen in this lady! But that was a passing whim, and is not really the focul point of this post.

The point is, i realized today how fluid everything in life is. And how we are designed to evolve and adapt.We only have to allow ourselves the chance to do so.To know when we have reached our saturation levels, and to know that obstinately sticking to that one thing (or person) is not really the best thing for us. To know when to call it quits, whether it is with respect to a lost love, a career going nowhere, or a degree, or any other tragedy. There is always an option of a Plan B, we just have to be willing to accept failure, and look towards it. There's no second guessing of the power that this gives you! Because when you accept this small thing, it is YOU who is choosing to walk away from something which is clearly NOT good for you, instead of leaving yourself at its' mercy. And that's a huge achievement in itself!

I fell for around 4 people, before i finally met the GB. And all of those times, it was unrequited. Well, partly at least. One of them was came close to being a real relationship, but it was toxic as it could be. I was trying to be somebody else's saviour, and destroying my life in my attempts to do so. I as an individual, held no value for the other person, except maybe being their fallback option. And i was okay with all of it, till i finally reached my saturation level, and my eyes opened to the fact that he was completely hollow, and i actually did not trust him at all. Because he had nothing worth offering to me, and i wanted SO much more than most anyway! He could never be the prince of my fairy tale because he himself needed saving! He was drained and empty. And he was trying to drown out his misery by clinging on to me, and making me his crutch. And the moment that realization dawned, i never looked back, I never felt the need to.

Because i then came across this other person, who actually made me realize what being a 'man' truly meant. What it meant to trust, to depend, and to be basically offered everything unconditionally. For the first time in my life, i felt like i belonged! And all this only happened when i chose to take a call with respect to my life, and walk away just at the right time. Any sooner, i would have probably not learnt the life lessons that i did, and any later, i would have probably missed out on my GB!

And this.. THIS is what i want to explain to myself once again at this stage in my life, to realize that time has come once again to take some more tough decisions, and make them your life choices. 

Two people who give up on their own comfort and pleasures, just to ensure that you have everything you want for. That you are protected and sheltered. They might not indulge you and your whims on the face of it, or encourage you to buy those big brands, but when you need that money for a reason, it WILL be there, without even a second thought, and only God knows from where! They are like your emergency credit card. For themselves, they will think, and think thrice, before they buy anything. But for you, they always want to make sure that you have what you want, even if they do try and exercise a little bit of rationality while looking at the tags. Oh yeah, they will negotiate even the smallest rise in your pocket money/allowance. But i believe that's just a ploy to help you become a better negotiator haha! Oops.. just realized i haven't specifically mentioned i am talking about parents. Then again, who could have assumed otherwise, reading what i have written thus far, heh.

But what happens when you grow up and aren't really dependent upon them for all your whims and fancies? Oh sure, you talk about independence and our rights and their duties and individual choice. But how do you REALLY strike a balance with all these things, and a genuine feeling that you are what you are because of them and their small sacrifices over these many years? Do you continue to be okay with how they still treat you like the young one, looking out for you, trying to advise you about things, telling you what's best for you and what isn't good for you at all, protecting you and sheltering you? Or do you simply shout and fight, trying to exercise the good ol' "my life, my choice!" right? How do you ensure that you become an independent, open minded, confident individual who doesn't depend on them for his or her needs, without becoming a stranger to them and breaking their heart?

I am 27 and still struggling to figure THAT one out! It would be nice to know what others think as well! ;)

Metro Diaries #2

Men watching exercise videos.. Women holding bags from "Joylukkas Jewellers", (apparently world's favourite jewellers as their tagline proudly proclaims), college girls sitting on the metro floor in all their trendy glory, young men discretely checking out women, women subtly encouraging with a glance and a half smile here and there.. Do you observe all this, or do you continue reading your same old boring law book?

Metro Diaries

In all my (limited) years of working, I have never really seen much of office politics in my workspace, in either of the two firms I have been with. Or maybe, I was just not am active  participant, considering nobody considered me to be their sharing partner. But right now, as I'm on my way to work, I can actually see it and understand it. Two girls, probably early twenties and hardly out of college, seem to enjoy nothing more than discussing a coworker at length.. Why is she how she is, why she isn't as comfortable (if not more) with them as she is with a certain Sunny from their office team, and if she is that close to him, then there must be something up between them, and no she's apparently not interested in him really but just using him for her office space convenience. Nice. I think work life is going to be even more interesting outside of work than in it. Welcome back to metro diaries as recorded by a certain KMG!

The Way I Feel

I feel pain when they try to bring me down
But as long as this world keeps turning round
I know it won't last forever
Ok ok my life is moving
But demons are fighting
Ok ok tears are dry now
But demons are fighting

I feel like I'm floating through existence
I feel like I'm living after time
I feel like I'm forced to break the silence
Is that a crime? Is that a crime?
I feel like we're all following shadows
And shadows they don't know where to go
I feel like I'm waiting for tomorrow
While today wastes away

It's not that I don't know
It's not that I can't see
It's not that I haven't noticed
It's driving me insane
It's not that I don't know
It's not that I can't see
It's just the way I feel
It's just the way I feel

I feel like a child without a father
And mama tries oh lord knows mama tries
I feel like the world is on my shoulder
I wonder why, wonder why
I feel like I'm not the only one who's frustrated
I feel like something's going wrong
I can't escape it
I feel like the destinies of those meant
To be the best
Are in the hands of liars now the world is on fire

I feel like we're not angry enough
That while we wait, time's ticking away
I feel there's gonna be an explosion!

It's not that I don't know
It's not that I can't see
It's not that I haven't noticed
It's driving me insane
It's not that I don't know
It's not that I can't see
It's just the way I feel
It's just the way I feel

-Asa

For the last four months (almost), my focus and efforts have been concentrated upon being a good wife, daughter in law, sister in law, and a daughter who's now living away from her parents, and learning to juggle all these new hats. It IS a considerable effort, let me say. It is a slow, tedious process, of acquainting and adjusting to new people, environment, relations and expectations. Managing the house, ensuring that it's a comfortable home to all those living in it, including me.

The first phase required me to adjust to the new ways your new relations live, how they like to have things done. Heh, even things which were once as simple as making a mug of tea have now had to be undone and redone. The second phase started when a month after our marriage, the in laws, who were pretty much in charge of things so far, had to leave for a couple of months and go to their hometown to settle some pending work. That suddenly put me in the driver's seat. A little bit of drama and incline was added to the whole process when the maid went on leave for a month, and i was in charge of everything, from cleaning up to cooking to maintaining stocks to managing the finances and interacting with various persons who are usually on the periphery, associated with running of the house. This phase was obviously also full of some other interesting happenings, like the two of us getting to spend some lone time (of course, subject to my husband's availability from his work, which is his first love i feel!), and the freedom that comes with the responsibility of doing things on your own, and the empowerment it gives you, being the one who runs the show. The third phase kicked in after two months, when we got the news that in laws were coming back. Good as that news was, because we had all missed them, it also filled me with some concern and very justified apprehension.. after having been the primary decision maker for two out of three months of married life, just when i felt i had begun to get used to running things my way, i would have to re align and re adjust. And not just that, the other concern was, what if the in laws didn't like the way i had been running things, the little tiny subtle changes i had made in and around the house? Well, as luck would have it, they arrived, and saw the changes, but didn't have any objections to them. Nor have they really had any problem with my way of doing things, at least so far! We are back to how things were before they left, and hopefully things have settled down now, with a few differences here and there, a major one being my increased role in the way things are done around the house.

And now that all that has been done with, i think it's time for the fourth phase to kick in: focus on myself again. I need to start focusing on things that i want now, things that are important to me. Enough of idling around, of simply running around to have things in order and keep them that way. I now need to prioritize myself, and not because someone else might expect me to do it, but for my own sake. Because sooner than later, the usual restlessness at the monotony of things will kick in, and i won't have anyone to blame but myself for having missed opportunities that were willing to knock on my door had i allowed them to. And i don't wish for any more regrets in life than the ones i have already done. So yeah, phase four kicking in NOW. 

A search for an old mail brought me across some of my oldest gmail chats with a very dear friend who has now become distant for the last 2-3 years. A natural process, i am sure. Especially in our case, where i came across him at the age of 16, and have never met him once. Strange, nay? Stranger still, (now that i think about it), was the fact that he is 11 years older than me, but for the longest time i was more comfortable talking to him about almost anything in this world, than any of my other supposedly closer friends. I suppose that's why they used to be fond of having pen friends in the past. Creepy as it might be, it's freeing.

i sat for the last 30 minutes, reading our old conversations.. conversations about our daily lives, our trivial daily problems, issues. The college, job stress. Boy-cant-find-girl and girl-kind-find-a-boy problems, heartaches. Silly jokes, stupid sarcasm. And this complete lack of inhibition.. I mean, what could be a bigger testimony to our friendship but the fact that he knew/remembered my various friends from school, college, CA and beyond, and so did i? In my case, i actually became friends with (and still occasionally catch up with) some of them. It's bizarre how somebody becomes a part of your life, attached to you, without making any demands on you. And i guess those are the ones you remember long after, even when those people's importance in your lives doesn't remain the same any longer..

i miss him. I miss our pointless, random conversations, wherein we could have been colleagues sitting across each other at the workstation, and sharing small tidbits of the things as usual. I miss not having to always make a point, to be answerable to somoene when i wish to walk away from a pointless conversation, to always sit and think and analyze the impact of my spoken words on the person across me. i miss that freedom where i connected with someone on almost a daily basis for around 7-8 years, even when we didn't have much to say to each other.

But more than that, more than anything else, i miss myself from that time, where i was self contained, practical, level headed and unperturbed by what the world expected of me. Or, to be fair, where i felt that living upto those expectations was the easiest thing in the world to do. Where distractions, social and societal obligations meant shit to me. I miss the me who never felt obligated to put an '!' after every sentence written, or using emoticons in the hope they might convey an emotion that i may or may not even feel. i miss small things about me.. being a doer instead of a yawner, being driven and ambitious, being on top of my game.. and not giving a flying fuck about the rest of the world..

SOMETHING ABOUT LIFE..

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you, no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain't gonna have a life."

Sylvester Stallone, Rocky Balboa

This world is a funny place indeed. Or maybe the inhabitants make it so?
Always looking for kinks and chinks in your armour, that one small thing that can undo you. Forbearance just can't be accepted. It's all about mind play and gaining that upper hand. That satisfaction of saying in one's mind, "Ha! Gotcha!" on discovering your weakness, and using that discovery wherever required to step over you, hold you back.. To keep you in line, to keep you behind 'self', to to keep you in check, to keep their control. Parents, lovers, siblings, teachers, competitors, bosses, society.. They all do it. To you, to me, to him, to her.

And then they wonder.. why doesn't he open up, why doesn't he share their pain. Are we not his own? Who else would do it but us?