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Friday, August 8, 2014

A 2 am ramble..

It's 2.32 in the morning, and I feel so ALONE right now..
The burden of my failure is crashing on me from every side,  even as my head throbs while I type. I've  spent the last one hour crying to myself, pitying myself, feeling sorry for myself.. And chiding myself for every lost opportunity..

But isn't this the same road you tread every six months!? Isn't this self doubt a sort of a part of your life by now? Why then do you wish for a friendly ear or a patient hug or a giant shoulder for your tears? My dear girl, you of all the people should be made of iron by now! And what right do you have to ask all this?! You've never really worked as hard for this degree as everybody else.. You have always considered yourself to be more intelligent than all of them.. Laughed at their accomplishment, patronizingly assuming that their result is not for their hard work and dedication but for their rote learning and lack of anything else remotely interesting enough in their lives to otherwise occupy them. You have always assumed that because you are a little intelligent, you have a higher claim on this world and what it has to offer? That's worse than any kind of dynastic mentality or any form of nepotism. Your pride, my dear girl, has royally and irrevocably come to fall. Now what are you going to do about it?

I don't know! I just don't know.. Do I leave this and look for something new? Or do I persevere more and hope that I work hard enough to truly change the tide? Do I have the guts to take up something new at this stage? Or am I willing to take on the challenge of conquering my demons and prove to everyone that I can actually still do whatever I aim for?

Whatever it is that you wish to do, know this.. There's no turning back. And there are no short cuts. You are either going to be in it with everything u got, or you might as well not try either and merely sit at home for some time longer.

Monday, August 4, 2014

If There Is A God..

Please dear God..
If you exist and if you care about me to pay attention to me, listen to what I have to say.. Please make my Nana okay. Take away his pain and make him happy and healthy, let him be happy and relaxed in the winter of his life.
Amen

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Life is changing.. And then again, it isn't. Some aspects are about to change forever.. And the others are as stagnant as ever. Something new is now going to happen or change daily.. And some other things will remain stuck in their same old places, like they've been for years. My concern.. How's this fluidity on one hand, and this stagnation going to gel together??

Thursday, May 1, 2014

AS TIME GOES BY...

Lyrics to one of my favorite tracks of all times, along with the video (of course, the video doesn't include the prelude)..


Prelude
This day and age we're living in
Gives cause for apprehension
With speed and new invention
And things like fourth dimension.

Yet we get a trifle weary
With Mr. Einstein's theory.
So we must get down to earth at times
Relax relieve the tension

And no matter what the progress
Or what may yet be proved
The simple facts of life are such
They cannot be removed.

Main Song
You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh.
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by.

And when two lovers woo
They still say, "I love you."
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings
As time goes by.

Moonlight and love songs
Never out of date.
Hearts full of passion
Jealousy and hate.
Woman needs man
And man must have his mate
That no one can deny.

It's still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die.
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.

Oh yes, the world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.





Monday, April 21, 2014

Growing Up Lessons 101

The Muslim music teacher is teaching Hey Ram (a hindi devotional song) to first graders in the school adjacent to my house, even as the Sikh headmistress talked about and explained the meaning and significance of Easter during the school assembly this morning.

It reminded me of our school days where we were taught the Shabad (the Sikh prayers), The Lord's Prayer and the Hindu devotional bhajans along with the other songs and anthems, and made to recite them as one unit, together, the whole school.

I am a Hindu girl who has studied her entire life in an all girls Christian (Protestant) school for fourteen years and grown up with kids of all religions and regions. Neither was a reference to your religious or regional background ever encouraged, but more importantly, nor was the need ever felt to refer to them. Why would you? Our uniforms were the same, the lengths of our skirts standard (mandatorily 3 inches above our knees, in case you're interested in knowing haha), the hair to be tied back, shoes to be polished and nails to be clipped. When we rebelled, by pulling our skirts further up or taking our shirts half out of the seems, or getting extra piercings or bringing cell phones to school (YES, there was a time when that was prohibited), or spray painting the washrooms on holi, or throwing pastries in the church compound because they tasted back (I'm not proud of it!), we did them together. Hell, we even got punished together, missing out on picnics, or being grounded on Children's Day. Nobody gave the culprits away because of religious or regional or casteist pettiness! As kids we were taught to not even consider or look at these paltry things, and it naturally never came to us to do so. We were young, carefree, lacking any kind of responsibility or obligation back then and happy in our own worlds!

And now, 8 years later, I see the world around me has changed. Not necessarily matured  but changed...and it wants me to change as well.

When people ask me my name, I tell them. Next they want to know my last name. Then they want to know if I'm Panjabi. My saying I am not isn't sufficient. They insist on knowing my caste and if I don't, they look at me like I'm the village idiot. Tired of being asked the same thing plenty of times, at the age of 23, I finally asked my parents, "what ARE Mathurs?" They said, "Kayasthas", and that was that. They didn't give any further explanation (they aren't believers of these things themselves, nor do they remotely encourage us to indulge in these things, though yes, on being asked specific questions they do tell) and nor was I interested. I was satisfied that finally if someone insisted now, I would at least have an answer,  one worded as it might be. Turns out that it wasn't sufficient. They wanted to know if not panjabi, then what were kayasthas. I decided to revert back to my age old answer.. non panjabi hindus. Fuck the world, I said.

Being an adult seems to be a constant learning process. Everyday life teaches you something... what works in the real world (earlier it could be a 50 rupee note, now sometimes even 500 is too less) and what doesn't, or how important it is to sometimes take the most despicable of the uttered words and let go of them with a deep breath else you stand to be labelled temperamental or arrogant, or so many similar things. The most important lesson that one has to undo from their childhood?  That women infact are NOT equal to men. That for most people around, brute strength is the only recognizable strength and nothing compares.

Oh, and that power is everything. Everything and everywhere...

Power will make you, and give you all that you and your ascendants and descendants ever wanted. And once you gain that knowledge, attainment of that power is the sole purpose of your life!

Some say they seek to attain power so that they can help the downtrodden and bring about a much needed change in the society, the country, their notoriety be damned. Some say they need power to become the guardians of the social and secular fabric of our great nation, that they are qualified to do so, thanks to the history of their inherited credentials. Some say they wish for, nay, NEED the power, to fight those in power.
All different prima facie, but all who couldn't be more similar if they were brothers. They hanker for the same thing, yet each denies that and accuses the other. The same cacophonous sounds and voices pervade your space from all of them, and yet they claim that they're different from the other.
Every group, every sound, every voice seeks to drive home how the other is drawing blood, whereas in reality they're all mixing venom in our very bloodstream, and enjoying the results.
And people listen to them, day in and day out. They listen and absorb. They hate and are hated back in equal measure. That's what they all believe, and that's what they all feed their millions of followers.

And yet, people believe that children are immature and gullible. They are so innocent and can be misled so easily. They fight on public forums arguing and counter arguing their points.. how they are the change that's required,  how everything that they plan is so perfect.  How the interim mishaps are a part of the learning curve. How they're all fighting for the change. And for those who don't agree.. my way or the highway.

To them I'd like to implore. . Look at what you've become. See that when you accuse someone of curtailing free thought,  what are you trying to do. Look at the chaos you're creating while criticizing others for the same. Remember the child you were. . Would he recognize the adult you've become?

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Lost Words

You know how some words just describe you.. Such a lovely bit :)

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Read this poem online today. Simple words, which I believe would find a resonance in almost everyone. Unfortunately couldn't find the name of the poet, hence the lack of credits.
I'm not sure of the title but I think it's called..

NOT
You are not your age,
Nor the size of the clothes you wear,
You are not a weight,
Or the color of your hair.
You are not your name,
Or the dimples in your cheeks,
You are all the books you read,
And all the words you speak,
You are your croaky morning voice,
And the smiles you try to hide,
You are the sweetness in your laughter,
And every tear you’ve cried,
You’re the songs you sing so loudly,

When you know you’re all alone,
You’re the places you’ve been too,
And the one that you call home,
You’re the things that you believe in,
And the people that you love,
You’re the photos in your bedroom,
And the future you dream of,
You’re made of so much beauty,
But it seems you forgot,
When you decided that you were defined,
By all the things you’re not.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

The Equations of Helplessness

I believe that no matter how empowered we might believe we are, a certain helplessness always exists about each one of us. And it is manifested more often in our love, or how we love, more than anything else.
It could be the helplessness of seeing the one you love move away from you.. or seeing him move closer and closer to your best friend, until that time that the friend is on the inside and you've been ousted from the life of the one who you thought was close to becoming your life. The helplessness of still feeling for him after years. Of knowing that he knows, as do the others. Of knowing you're a fool in your heart's wake.
Or, when you are that person who stole him away from your 'friend' and have hence lost the friend and many more who thought you wrong. . And now, slowly with time, have come to possess the same fears, insecurities and confusions that the person in question used to tell you he saw in 'the other', the ones that you both used to be amused at together, and the ones whose absence was a part of what attracted him to you. You, who denies to herself what he has come to mean, eventhough your self centred mind spins a web of denial around you.
Or, it could be the helplessness of being that friend who becomes the current sufferer's shoulder.. you, whose shoulder they turn to for comfort, whose shortest absence in the hour of need is felt minutely.. you, whose own personal equation with 'the former' has become a victim of choosing one over the other. You chose the one you did because they meant more to you than most others. You, who shared your world, your happiness, your people because you cared unconditionally. You were always so sure it was mutual (though at times certain instances did say otherwise). But now you helplessly stand and watch how you've turned into nothing more than that shoulder. For everything else, there's usually someone else, or something else.. something you're not even invited to be a part of.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

MOBILE BLOGGING IT IS!

I have been missing expressing myself through the written word for a while now. But somehow, just don't get around to actually logging in. So I did what most of us have been doing for almost everything these days. . Looked up on Google Play for a Blogger app. And (surprise surprise!) there actually was one!
Just downloaded it, and keeping with my new resolve of going back to the written form of catharsis, here I am, typing away immediately from my phone. What joy! :)