Paayaliyaa

जानू नहीं कैसे, जानू नहीं कैसे,
पिया घर जाऊँ
पायलिया, पायलिया कहे कि पिया घर जाऊँ
पायलिया पायलिया



Jaanu nahin kaise, jaanu nahi kaise,
Piya ghar jaun
Paayaliya, paayaliya kahe ke piya ghar jaaun
Paayaliya, paayaliyaa... 

Second post in two days. After not having written forever. Who would have thought. But i guess it's only when i am drowning in sorrow or jumping with joy, that i actually feel the need to express. And right now, sadly or not, it's the former.

I am just so upset with my life! And i feel so helpless! What do i do?! How do i sort things? How do i arrive at answers?! That one thing i've never believed in, or believe in, has cast a shadow on everything around me. And the uncertainty of it all has affected me in a manner which makes me run away from everything and everyone remotely associated with anything to do with it. Since i can't physically run away, i'm emotionally running from it all, cutting off from everyone, because the fact that it somehow matters to me, affects me more than it matters to anyone else, bothers me too much. It just doesn't seem to bother anyone else! My whole life is under question, but nobody cares.

I don't know what to do, how to deal with all this. And this helplessness is suffocating me. I am drowning in it! It is making me question the premise of everything i took as a given. It feels like an open wound. And it's a wound that i want to prick, to see how much it bleeds, how much it pains, and how i bear that pain. 

LOST MY HAPPY PLACE..

Broken, disturbed, frustrated, tired. Reached that point of saturation. Even a mosquito seems to have a more ambitious, a more purposeful life than I do. I'm hurting so bad right now, I don't know what to do or who to turn to. Everyone is busy with their lives, has their own set of worries. How can I go to them for answers to questions that are half evolved in my own head? Things seem so desperate that I, one who has never believed in self help books, thought I might find an answer in this book I came across today, Finding A Purpose In Life. But sadly, that hasn't been of use either thus far.

Forget that level of satisfaction, I am not even close to deciphering the path to it. Everything, every aspect of life seems to be coming undone- professional, academic and personal. I don't know what's going on in any aspect of my life. There's so much confusion with respect to everything! I feel like a pendulum, oscillating between despair and optimism.

I just want to get away from everything, everyone, cut myself off.. Or cut off those various pieces of me that are attached to these various aspects.. I just want to close my ears to the cacophony, put on my rose tinted glasses and go into a world where everything is fine and sorted and where I can be happy.

WORDS ARE WIND...

I'm dying to express myself, but I just can't somehow! The words just don't seem to do justice to my thoughts and need for expression right now! That's funny though... Today I'm happy and words are failing me. A few days ago, when I was seething with anger, all tears and hurt, words just flew out of my pen (yes, more often than not I write the good old fashioned way)! But just as well.. The reason for the happiness today was the same as that of my pain a few days back. I don't think I need to even explain that anymore.

All I can say, is that even though the world seems to be crashing over me, coming down a little faster with every passing hour, I will be going to bed tonight with a song on my lips and hallelujah in my heart. 

Someday...

Someday we gonna rise up on that wind you know 

Someday we gonna dance with those lions 

Someday we gonna break free from these chains and keep on flyin' 

They tellin' me it's all good just wait 

You know you're gonna be there someday 

Sippin' on Jim Beam ok 

Gotta get these things one day 

Till then do another line you know 

Searching for that other high 

Stop or I gotta steal then steal 

Kill or I'm gonna be killed 

I got a sack in my pocket 

Conscious yellin' drop it 

You know we're gonna lose it someday 

And we tryin' to hold it all together but the devil is too clever so 

I'm gonna die you gonna die we gonna die Someday one day I said 

Someday we gonna rise up on that wind you know 

Someday we gonna dance with those lions

Someday we gonna break free from these chains and keep on flyin' 

Try to lie but it ain't me Ain't me 

Try to look but I can't see 

Can't stop right now cause I'm too far and I can't keep goin' cause it's too hard 

In the day in the night it's the same thing 

On the field on the block it's the same game 

On the real if you stop then it's no pain but if you can't feel pain then it's no gain 

Rearrange and you change and it's all bad and you try to maintain but you fall back 

And you crawl and you slip and you slide down 

Wanna make it to the top better start now 

So I hold my soul and I die hard 

All alone in the night in the graveyard 

Someday one day I'm gonna be free and they won't try to kill me for being me 

Hey someday 

Someday we gonna rise up on that wind you know 

Someday we gonna dance with those lions

Someday we gonna break free from these chains and keep on flyin'

If you know how this is 

Gonna see it's not that easy 

Don't stop get it till it's done 

From where you are or have begun 

I said keep on try a little harder to see everything you need to be 

Believe in your dreams 

That you see when you're asleep 

Someday..

Old hatchets buried, things talked through, sorted. That infectious, all pervading sore finally healed. Forgiven and forgotten, for all those concerned, forever. A sense of liberation. The freedom to move on, to move forward along more fronts than one.

For the first time, there's an honest wish to let go, to move on and not hold self back. Difficult yes, impossible no. For if its easy and doable for one, then there's no reason why it shouldn't be so for the other. Its been way too long anyway. The winds of change finally seem to be blowing... there's something new and fresh in the offing, and this time it won't be passed by with eyes closed..

"Called or uncalled, God will be present"

HURT

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Give of yourself with both hands and overflowing heart, but give only the excess after you have lived your own life.

IT AIN'T ABOUT HOW HARD YOU HIT...

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!"