Monday, December 10, 2012


The quiet stand, taking every blow silently. Slowly distancing themselves from all they care about.. and the world watches, unaware.
It's like the weight of the world has been placed on those shoulders. Every trouble felt so keenly and acutely, it can't be put into words. And it's not only the burden of the sorrow felt by self, but also a realization and pain on seeing those who are close, go through troubled times.
Feigned indifference is a way, negating the pain is a way. Putting it all in a box, somewhere at the back of the mind, away from conscious self till the time it has to be brought out due to compulsion is a way.

It breaks me to see. I wish i could do something to make it better. I wish i could make all the pain disappear instead. If i could, i'd do anything to keep you from all this. But since i can't, i'll do the next best thing- give you your space, while ensuring am always around.

But always remember..
there is no second you, no one comes close. no one can care so much. probably it exasperates me at times but also amazes me at the same time. you surprise me. and you win my admiration every time.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Confusion Galore!

In a very unsettled frame of mind. There's this restlessness that just can't be really expressed in words. There's so much uncertainty on so many fronts. My mind is in a constant state of flux. Where are we headed? What's going to be the final outcome? What's going to be the reaction? How different is the future going to be from the present as I know it? The tiny doubts, those questions that niggle me, bother me.. What about them? What can assuage them, quieten them? Why do I have this constant need for being calmed down, assured? Why does it feel like the slightest touch of hand (forget about a push or shove!) can make my castle of cards topple over? No matter the faith, the sense of security..that tiny doubt still remains. Can my partner in crime be counted on to stand up if and when required? Can I do so? What if we are not? Is that going to spell the end for this?

I think my dad knows me better than I have ever suspected. He doesn't want to influence my decisions by himself. But he wants me to see things for myself and see them reach their logical end, one way or the other. He doesn't want it to be his decision or mumma's decision because he doesn't want me to look back and wonder how it could have been. So neither has he gone out of his way to accept it, nor has he forthrightly refused it. He has given us, (not just me) some time to look at it from that perspective, for things to settle down, and not make up our minds in a hurry.. To take into account more factors than just how vehemently we feel and believe right now, and live with this kind of a realization instead of looking at only as things stand now. After all, when its a matter of forever, its not just what you feel, but how other things around you play along with those feelings.. Whether they take away from it, or add to it, whether you accept them or reject them.

But keeping everything else aside, what do you do, how do you respond, when apparently the only thing that might matter with respect to you, is the one aversion you have always had.. When you heard of the same thing being said to someone else, it made you wonder how could THAT be the sole basis of judging someone? Its the one thing that my parents always told me would be a point of concern with anyone, for whatever reasons. Something I always scoffed at. But now I HAVE to accept it. Probably that was the reason I never tried hard enough..because I always wondered if people's behavior towards me would change FOR THE BETTER only because of that one thing? And that question made me rebel against it, do the exact opposite. But I will do it. Not because I will bow down to the pressure on all fronts. I will do it because the one person who is the reason for all this and more, did not judge me for this. It never took away from anything. It never mattered enough to influence where we are right now. And everyone else is concerned, they who don't know me, what better grounds do they have to get that first impression? Isn't that how we are, when we see or get to know someone for the first time? And when we do figure them out, that's when we DO get to know them better.

Another reason is because I wanna make a statement to everyone around me.. 1) I can do it if I wish to, and 2) it still doesn't change the person I was or am.

Saturday, November 10, 2012


This beautiful haunting melody that somehow i can't seem to have enough of...

- Emiliana Torrini

Friday, October 26, 2012


It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishment the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

I just realized that the only one standing between me and success is my own self.
That i am as intelligent and brilliant, if not more, as anyone around me.
That i can do anything that i wish to.
That the only reason i am not able to do it, is because i refuse to put in the work required.
That my own refusal and lack of interest in things is the bane of my existence.
That i am like a ball of sloth, something which is infectious.
That the only way i can get out of it is if i get off my ass and start work.
That if i decide, i have brains enough to actually pull off the impossible and succeed even now, even after having goofed up so amazingly for the umpteenth time.

(Found it in the drafts... glad to know the realization came in a

Wednesday, October 24, 2012


You might consider me a passive idiot on most occasions, one who doesn't react or WON'T react.. i don't mind. But don't you DARE lay claim on anything that's mine.. else i will claw your eyes out and cut your supposed wings off before you can think of taking flight! And that, is a promise...

Tuesday, October 16, 2012


Have you ever had those times when you have managed to convince yourself that you want something? That you will do something. That all it requires, is a single push from you. That you care about something or someone. That you are, somewhere in there, the same person that you were 8 years back.

... And then have you seen those false premises break in front of your very own eyes? Feel them desert you inside? The words that you use, sound hollow to your own ears. The negatives start overpowering the positives of an idea even before it has formulated completely, germinated. No matter how much, for what, or for who you cared, you realize they are NOT your responsibility? The change that others see and you feel, is permanent. That even if you were wiser, maturer, more focused and determined at the age of 17 than you are right now, it still IS you.

And it's okay. You haven't necessarily let go of yourself, but simply broadened your horizons beyond the familiar. You have allowed yourself to think and dream of things which you didn't, at that point. You have probably allowed yourself to be honest with yourself.
Some of these realizations make you happy, ecstatic even. Like the knowledge of letting go of the rotten egg in favor of a freshly baked bread loaf from the oven?

Others aren't quite so pleasant. Foremost among those, is the acknowledgement of the reasons for the lack of energy with respect to what you are doing with your life. It isn't your end goal. And you know it. And you can't fool yourself into convincing yourself to do something you don't even care for in the first place. The motivations, the driving forces will always desert you. But then there ARE reasons why you stick on, the major ones being...
1.  you have done this for so long, you are scared you don't know anything else.
2.  you can feel the confidence of your loved ones in you dwindle. People who once believed you to be unbeatable and your self confidence unshakable, are now forced to wonder if you can even just merely make it through.
3.  this one thing is bringing your life to a standstill. Everything else has been put to a stop. Life is going about in circles of those same 6 months, changing into each other. And you feel helpless, caught in the vicious circle.
4.  all things said and done, this IS a BRILLIANT all access pass into the corridors and areas you seek to explore and finally make your own. So why quit now, at the last leg?

Then you suddenly read something which reminds you of the dream you saw when you were but 15.. the one that motivated you to give it your EVERYTHING when you were but a child. The dream that you lost somewhere between all this, and forgot about... But you saw it again today. You saw it other people's eyes too, and saw them work for it. And it made you see...

And so, it SHALL be done. Maybe kind of slowly, but definitely.

PS- You know GM, i admire you so much.. your conviction, your belief, your passion. The way you refuse to give up. How you conquer your fears, face your demons instead of running from them like a coward. For being so unorthodox and willing to accept change, take up risks. And that too, so early on. I know i pick on you like crazy, but that doesn't take away from the fact that i respect what you wish to do, where you wish to go, and what are you doing for it.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Claustrophobic. Suffocated. Handicapped. Insecure. Immature. Unreasonable. Extreme. Annoyed. Harried. Irritable. Irritating. Unsocial. Aggressive. Tired. Stuck.

And hormonal. Almost forgot. :|

Friday, September 21, 2012


you make me smile, when all i wanna do is scream.
you make me laugh, when i simply wish to cry.
you calm me down, when i let nothing else work.
you show me sense, when my brain refuses to listen.

people around me saw something that i didn't. not immediately. and for once, they were right.

so many spend their lives chasing a mirage, stubbornly forcing themselves to see something that isn't really there, something that probably never was. and probably, maybe, shaayad.. so would have i...
had i not met you. and realized how it should be, what it really is.

and now i don't think i could ever have it any other way... :)

Friday, August 31, 2012


Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand
In a...desperate land

Tuesday, August 28, 2012


It's been a while since i have posted anything much on this blog. Well, let me correct myself... a while since i WROTE something and posted here. I think it has got something to do with my emotional quotient, my writing. I write best when i feel strongly.. when emotions overpower me and it feels like i will burst if i don't give them a medium to flow through. Perhaps that's why it appears so effortless, as some people tell me. And if there isn't anything that's overwhelming me, or upsetting me, when that equilibrium is maintained, i usually don't pick up a pen for all it results in, is wasted paper or wasted space.

But let's not deviate any further. I shall refrain from elaborating on my skills any further.

The reason i am writing this post, is to thank my nameless reader(s). I know it sounds horribly snooty, the fact that i am writing this post at all, but there ARE some people spread around the globe, who look up my blog daily, googling a certain post to navigate to this page. from India, Russia, USA mainly.  Thanks to you amd your interest, my blog views have crossed 8800..

Thank you.  :)

Hope i am able to keep you engrossed for ages to come! ;)

Thursday, August 23, 2012



Thou who hast made thy dwelling fair
With flowers beneath, above with starry lights,
And set thine altars everywhere,--
On mountain heights,
In woodlands dim with many a dream,
In valleys bright with springs,
And on the curving capes of every stream:
Thou who hast taken to thyself the wings
Of morning, to abide
Upon the secret places of the sea,
And on far islands, where the tide
Visits the beauty of untrodden shores,
Waiting for worshippers to come to thee
In thy great out-of-doors!
To thee I turn, to thee I make my prayer,
God of the open air.


Seeking for thee, the heart of man
Lonely and longing ran,
In that first, solitary hour,
When the mysterious power
To know and love the wonder of the morn
Was breathed within him, and his soul was born;
And thou didst meet thy child,
Not in some hidden shrine,
But in the freedom of the garden wild,
And take his hand in thine,--
There all day long in Paradise he walked,
And in the cool of evening with thee talked.


Lost, long ago, that garden bright and pure,
Lost, that calm day too perfect to endure,
And lost the childlike love that worshipped and was sure!
For men have dulled their eyes with sin,
And dimmed the light of heaven with doubt,
And built their temple walls to shut thee in,
And framed their iron creeds to shut thee out.
But not for thee the closing of the door,
O Spirit unconfined!
Thy ways are free
As is the wandering wind,
And thou hast wooed thy children, to restore
Their fellowship with thee,
In peace of soul and simpleness of mind.


Joyful the heart that, when the flood rolled by,
Leaped up to see the rainbow in the sky;
And glad the pilgrim, in the lonely night,
For whom the hills of Haran, tier on tier,
Built up a secret stairway to the height
Where stars like angel eyes were shining clear.
From mountain-peaks, in many a land and age,
Disciples of the Persian seer
Have hailed the rising sun and worshipped thee;
And wayworn followers of the Indian sage
Have found the peace of God beneath a spreading tree.

But One, but One,--ah, child most dear,
And perfect image of the Love Unseen,--
Walked every day in pastures green,
And all his life the quiet waters by,
Reading their beauty with a tranquil eye.

To him the desert was a place prepared
For weary hearts to rest;
The hillside was a temple blest;
The grassy vale a banquet-room
Where he could feed and comfort many a guest.
With him the lily shared
The vital joy that breathes itself in bloom;
And every bird that sang beside the nest
Told of the love that broods o'er every living thing.
He watched the shepherd bring
His flock at sundown to the welcome fold,
The fisherman at daybreak fling
His net across the waters gray and cold,
And all day long the patient reaper swing
His curving sickle through the harvest-gold.
So through the world the foot-path way he trod,
Drawing the air of heaven in every breath;
And in the evening sacrifice of death
Beneath the open sky he gave his soul to God.
Him will I trust, and for my Master take;
Him will I follow; and for his dear sake,
God of the open air,
To thee I make my prayer.


From the prison of anxious thought that greed has builded,
From the fetters that envy has wrought and pride has gilded,
From the noise of the crowded ways and the fierce confusion,
From the folly that wastes its days in a world of illusion,
(Ah, but the life is lost that frets and languishes there!)
I would escape and be free in the joy of the open air.

By the breadth of the blue that shines in silence o'er me,
By the length of the mountain-lines that stretch before me,
By the height of the cloud that sails, with rest in motion,
Over the plains and the vales to the measureless ocean,
(Oh, how the sight of the things that are great enlarges the eyes!)
Lead me out of the narrow life, to the peace of the hills
and the skies.

While the tremulous leafy haze on the woodland is spreading,
And the bloom on the meadow betrays where May has been treading;
While the birds on the branches above, and the brooks flowing under,
Are singing together of love in a world full of wonder,
(Lo, in the marvel of Springtime, dreams are changed into truth!)
Quicken my heart, and restore the beautiful hopes of youth.

By the faith that the flowers show when they bloom unbidden,
By the calm of the river's flow to a goal that is hidden,
By the trust of the tree that clings to its deep foundation,
By the courage of wild birds' wings on the long migration,
(Wonderful secret of peace that abides in Nature's breast!)
Teach me how to confide, and live my life, and rest.

For the comforting warmth of the sun that my body embraces,
For the cool of the waters that run through the shadowy places,
For the balm of the breezes that brush my face with their fingers,
For the vesper-hymn of the thrush when the twilight lingers,
For the long breath, the deep breath, the breath
of a heart without care,--
I will give thanks and adore thee, God of the open air!


These are the gifts I ask
Of thee, Spirit serene:
Strength for the daily task,
Courage to face the road,
Good cheer to help me bear the traveller's load,
And, for the hours of rest that come between,
An inward joy in all things heard and seen.
These are the sins I fain
Would have thee take away:
Malice, and cold disdain,
Hot anger, sullen hate,
Scorn of the lowly, envy of the great,
And discontent that casts a shadow gray
On all the brightness of the common day.

These are the things I prize
And hold of dearest worth:
Light of the sapphire skies,
Peace of the silent hills,
Shelter of forests, comfort of the grass,
Music of birds, murmur of little rills,
Shadow of clouds that swiftly pass,
And, after showers,
The smell of flowers
And of the good brown earth,--
And best of all, along the way, friendship and mirth.

So let me keep
These treasures of the humble heart
In true possession, owning them by love;
And when at last I can no longer move
Among them freely, but must part
From the green fields and from the waters clear,
Let me not creep
Into some darkened room and hide
From all that makes the world so bright and dear;
But throw the windows wide
To welcome in the light;
And while I clasp a well-beloved hand,
Let me once more have sight
Of the deep sky and the far-smiling land,--
Then gently fall on sleep,
And breathe my body back to Nature's care,
My spirit out to thee, God of the open air.

- Henry Van Dyke

Friday, August 10, 2012


पथ की पहचान

पूर्व चलने के बटोही बाट की पहचान कर ले।

पुस्तकों में है नहीं
छापी गई इसकी कहानी
हाल इसका ज्ञात होता
है न औरों की जबानी

अनगिनत राही गए
इस राह से उनका पता क्या
पर गए कुछ लोग इस पर
छोड़ पैरों की निशानी

यह निशानी मूक होकर
भी बहुत कुछ बोलती है
खोल इसका अर्थ पंथी
पंथ का अनुमान कर ले।

पूर्व चलने के बटोही बाट की पहचान कर ले।

यह बुरा है या कि अच्छा
व्यर्थ दिन इस पर बिताना
अब असंभव छोड़ यह पथ
दूसरे पर पग बढ़ाना

तू इसे अच्छा समझ
यात्रा सरल इससे बनेगी
सोच मत केवल तुझे ही
यह पड़ा मन में बिठाना

हर सफल पंथी यही
विश्वास ले इस पर बढ़ा है
तू इसी पर आज अपने
चित्त का अवधान कर ले।

पूर्व चलने के बटोही बाट की पहचान कर ले।

है अनिश्चित किस जगह पर
सरित गिरि गह्वर मिलेंगे
है अनिश्चित किस जगह पर
बाग वन सुंदर मिलेंगे

किस जगह यात्रा खतम हो
जाएगी यह भी अनिश्चित
है अनिश्चित कब सुमन कब
कंटकों के शर मिलेंगे

कौन सहसा छू जाएँगे
मिलेंगे कौन सहसा
आ पड़े कुछ भी रुकेगा
तू न ऐसी आन कर ले।

पूर्व चलने के बटोही बाट की पहचान कर ले।


Scattered lives,
Scattered conscience.
Broken confidence,
Broken promises.
Insignificant attempts,
Insignificant desires.
Lone ranger,
Lone miles.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

At some point in life, there comes a time when you start evaluating something which was a given for all this while. When people around you, closest to you, start reading too much into everything you say. When they start making assumptions and presumptions based on a prejudiced premise. Where everything you say is like a nail in your coffin. When a habit of yours, 

Tuesday, July 31, 2012


You... Yes, YOU. The one reading this post right now. Who cannot get two sentences straight in your mother tongue. You, who looks at it as something to be proud about. You wish to learn Spanish, Greek, German, French, Arabic, Italian... MANDARIN!

You, who has never stepped beyond the ten mile radius of your backyard, tells me that we need to learn from America and Europe (for GOD'S SAKE!!) how to run this country?

You, who refuses to use even 10% of his brain to figure something out, and tells me to cram the portions that i don't understand in my syllabus, have the audacity to blame the education system ALONE for the lack of opportunities that come your way.

You, who sniggers behind the napkin every time someone fumbles with a knife and a fork, secretly asks me if toilet paper is soluble in water.

Oh, and how i could i forget the 'agents of change'.. the ones who join Anna Hazare's chorus at the drop of a hat, and then, proudly tell me how they managed to get away from a Rs. 1000 fine by paying Rs. 300 to the traffic cop.

And then you spam the social media about how everything is going to the dogs. When was the last time you looked yourself in the mirror in the eye, while saying those things out loud?

You say you would have been better off had you been born in some other country? So would this country, i say.

Thursday, July 26, 2012



 Speak your mind to me again
Force your words to deep within
You try to tell me how you live
Now I see you everyday
I push I pull I run away
I'm sick and tired of living this way
Pictures moving in again
I turn around and it fades away
Now I realize it's all I got
Coz I've been waiting time after time
For the reasons in my mind
Coz I've been looking deep inside
To find my way in my life
And the words I try to find
Never seem to fall in time
And now I wonder if I could draw the line
Unfold the truths I seek within
Loneliness and mannequins
Rushing through the silver screen
Crash and burn I'm down and broken
To find my reason, find my way

Wednesday, July 4, 2012


Very often people tell me it amazes them how completely and utterly capable i am of detaching myself from things and people. 'Emotionally healthy' is the phrase they like to use. They are surprised as to how easily i move on beyond a point of time... how, something that was like oxygen to me less than a year ago, is absolutely of no consequence at all anymore. Of how when i say "I have moved on", i really truly mean it.

But it makes me wonder... and wondering about it makes me sad. I wonder because i don't see what's so unusual about it. And it makes me sad because i feel bad for them.. Bad that they stop themselves from feeling anything and everything completely, in its entirety... whether it's happiness or sorrow.

Why negate what defines you? Why try and convince yourself that you don't hurt real bad when you it feels you couldn't take it anymore... why not exude happiness when you feel it, with the fear that you might jinx it?

Have you ever seen a dam, the way it holds back the flow of a water body? Have you seen what happens when it gets old, when the constant pressure wears it down? It develops cracks, and slowly breaks down. And rebuilding it is a task that seldom succeeds to give cent per cent result.

Monday, June 25, 2012


It's a strange strange feeling... when you suddenly start feeling not only your own emotions, but someone else's as well. When what they think, feel, want, like, don't like is felt as acutely as if it was you going through all those emotions. When every slight that comes their way, when every harsh word that is said to them and pains them, makes you cry out in pain as well. When you are anxious about them, when you can feel their unsettled thoughts, feel the restlessness even when you are not with them. When the shouts hidden behind their silences deafen you.

It's a strange feeling, to feel all this and more. To feel for 2 people. I thought i had experienced it before, been through this before. But i apparently haven't. Because if i had, it would not be surprising me the way it IS surprising me right now. It would not have been this difficult for me to understand as to what's going on.

I don't even know for sure whether all of this is a figment of my imagination, or whether it's actually felt this way.

All i know is, i feel that someone i would give my right hand for, is terribly hurt. Probably his pain is subsiding, but mine isn't, and won't, till i have in some way seen his subside.

I wish the process of catharsis was begin soon, i wish he would be able to heal soon. I wish whatever it is, is not strong enough to spoil an age old relationship. I hope that, with all the anger and the pent up emotions that are so easily misleading everyone, sense does prevail, and stops them from undoing everything based on fickle premises.

I wish the silent would speak and help the ones around them understand as to what pains them. I wish the ones who ARE talking, would pay some heed to the one they have injured. I wish the ones who are injured would turn back and notice whether the ones who they perceive as the reason for their pain, isn't bleeding himself.

SIGH. IF ONLY I HAD WISHED FOR WORLD PEACE. That would have been so much easier to understand.

Saturday, June 9, 2012


Well you've done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing, we're just one big family
It's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure

There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Do you want to, come on, scootch over closer dear
And I will nibble your ear

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and I laughed
I guess what I'll be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
so please don't, please don't, please don't.
There's no need to complicate
'cause our time is short
This oh, this oh, this is our fate, I'm yours

Sunday, May 27, 2012


Happy and content. Life has taken a 180 degree turn, and for the better, at least for the most part. I don't know how it all happened, all i know is, i am grateful to the forces that be.

The last few months have just reaffirmed by belief in the fact that so long as you are willing to fight, are stubborn, and refuse to give up on the ideals that YOU formed during the good times, you will sail through. Always.
There is just one thing that you need to do... hold onto hope, tight. not out of desperation, but as a belief that's beyond being challenged.

I am in a good place right now, have some great people around me, who love me (whether inspite of who i am or for who i am, i dare not say :S) and they make life wonderful. I can't thank god enough for them. Thank you, all of you, for being a part of my life.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


by memories and faces,
images and places.
the pain and confusion,
the mirage and delusion.
everything is plain as light.
yet, the constant fight.
a dream, a song.
where do i now belong?
an image of me, enraptured
 was once upon a time captured,
 in the echelons of the heart.
yet, how did we still part?
a substitute, a mere device, was how.
all grievances leading to the row.
today a new dream, a vision exemplary.
yet, the treacherous heart insists to the contrary.
 is it a truth half revealed,
or is it just the past, forever sealed?
the constant cacophonous imagined noise.
the phantoms with their icy poise.
those empty black eyes awide,
what do they still try and hide.
a chain of thought, oh so jumbled;
manifested in an exterior so rumpled.
a look a thought, all for nought;
a simple tardy chain of thought.

[Disclaimer : This is something i wrote ages ago. Words came to me of their own, and for once i didn't really put much mind to the phrases.. And the reason you see it up here, now, is because i quite like it..]

Thursday, May 10, 2012


it's almost 4 in the morning, and sleep evades me still.
there's not much on my mind.
perhaps a little bit of regret... not for having missed the bus this time,
but for the innumerable times before this.
this time i wasn't ready, i know.
this time i didn't kid myself, i know.
but i still can't fathom as to what went wrong, these past few years.
how did i lose the plot, where did i slip, when did i go weak.
ah well, no matter now.
not anymore, not again.
the images are vivid once again,
the willingness returning,
determination finally setting in.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012


One minute i was sitting there, reading the literature on Anti Competitive Agreements as per the Competition Act... and the next i am here. Its been a while. And i couldn't resist.
But i don't really have anything to say. At all.

Just that, i feel like a bird that is about to take flight. Tomorrow.

Funny, considering this bird is still going to feel equally shackled a week later on.
Her flight is short, the distance measured, the way it has been for all these years.
But... every mirage of captivity that she creates around her bi annually,
Leaves her feeling elated when that period of ostracism and deemed imprisonment ends.
And the beginning of that bubble is usually an extended dream of the days, months and years to come.
Visions of unrestricted flights, of innumerable sights, of little delights.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012


They fall in line
One at a time
Ready to play
I can't see them anyway
No time to lose
We've got to move
Steady your hand
I am losing sight again
Fire your guns
Its time to run
Blow me away
I will stay unless I may
After the fall
We'll shake it off
Show me the way

Only the strongest will survive
Lead me to heaven when we die
I have a shadow on the wall
I'll be the one to save us all

There's nothing left
So save your breath
Lying and wait
Caught inside this tidal wave
You're covers blown
No where to go
Holding your fate
Knowing that I will walk alone
Fire your guns
Its time to run
Blow me away
I will stay unless I may
After the fall
We'll shake it off
Show me the way

Only the strongest will survive
Lead me to heaven when we die
I have a shadow on the wall
I'll be the one to save us all
You wanted it back

Only the strongest will survive
Lead me to heaven when we die
I have a shadow on the wall
I'll be the one to save us all
Save us all

Sunday, April 22, 2012


There's something on my mind that I can't put across in coherent words. It does not distract me while i am busy with other things. However, the moment my brain is free for a minute or two, it goes right back on the topic. I wish G had never told me about it. It has just made my prejudice stronger, and my anger deeper. Ofcourse i'm not delving into it much, and consciously making an effort to keep all stray thoughts at bay. But anger is soon transforming into obsessive hatred.

The bitch of it is it affects people who are SO important to me... one, so naive and trusting.. the other, well, my backbone in so many ways.

Tell you what? I won't say a thing and ruin anything for anyone for now. I don't give a flying fuck about what stories you cook up about who, and how you bitch about one person to the other... But you have managed to involve 2 PEOPLE who mean the world to me! And IF it anyway affects or impacts the people in question, i am NOT gonna leave anyone out of it, no matter if it's relationships that have been nurtured for years. You CANNOT hurt one or take advantage of his goodness, nor can you spread stories about the other... AND get away with it.

Sunday, April 15, 2012


“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself. They come through you, but not from you. Though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts. You may house their bodies, but not their souls. You may strive to be like them but seek not to make them like you.”

Friday, March 30, 2012


Usually i love this time of the year. It somehow fills me with good cheer and this hope that good things are on their way.

But right now, it's annoying me. Why, you wonder? Well, because it's still making me feel the same. But unfortunately, reality, that bitch, has twisted its dagger deep in, the tip being coated with an overdose of realization, that's spreading through every bit of my body.
And you know what it's saying to me? It says,

                               "Welcome to the world of grown ups! I hope you have bid goodbye
to those days of childhood, where whims and fancies and hopes and wishes
all co existed? If not yet, then please do. Here, in our world, you are only allowed to do
and concentrate on what is required and expected of you. Once the choice is made, it can't be unmade.
No more will anyone laugh at your whims and wishes, or pass off your idealistic talks as harmless jabber, with that good natured shake of the head. No more will you be permitted to get distracted, without being considered directionless and wayward. The consequence and the price of detours is indeed heavy here. There's no going back without losing your way. Just keep walking straight, without any hope for respite.
The path might be monotonous, annoying, dreary, tiring and painful. It might periodically wear you down.
But you would be a fool to let yourself be bogged down by any of this. 
For when you do successfully walk down this road, the results shall be tremendous.
So think only of those."

I don't like this weather anymore. Where once it made me happy, now it suffocates me. Now it makes me feel as if my happiness is conditional to the successful walk down this road. Without completing it, i will always be stranded somewhere in the middle, always made to feel guilty for those little joys and stolen laughs...

Thursday, March 29, 2012


What seas what shores what grey rocks and what islands
What water lapping the bow
And scent of pine and the woodthrush singing through the fog
What images return
O my daughter.

Those who sharpen the tooth of the dog, meaning
Those who glitter with the glory of the hummingbird, meaning
Those who sit in the sty of contentment, meaning
Those who suffer the ecstasy of the animals, meaning

Are become insubstantial, reduced by a wind,
A breath of pine, and the woodsong fog
By this grace dissolved in place

What is this face, less clear and clearer
The pulse in the arm, less strong and stronger—
Given or lent? more distant than stars and nearer than the eye
Whispers and small laughter between leaves and hurrying feet
Under sleep, where all the waters meet.

Bowsprit cracked with ice and paint cracked with heat.
I made this, I have forgotten
And remember.
The rigging weak and the canvas rotten
Between one June and another September.
Made this unknowing, half conscious, unknown, my own.
The garboard strake leaks, the seams need caulking.
This form, this face, this life
Living to live in a world of time beyond me; let me
Resign my life for this life, my speech for that unspoken,
The awakened, lips parted, the hope, the new ships.

What seas what shores what granite islands towards my timbers
And woodthrush calling through the fog
My daughter.

- T. S. Eliot

Wednesday, March 28, 2012


Sometimes it seems like life is an ongoing novel. One that never seems to end. At times, it's a  pacey page turner. At others, it's a dreary old song. Unfortunately, unlike a paperback (or a hardbound book for that matter), you can't skip pages. You have to sit through the interesting and not so interesting bits. And have the patience to go through it, page by page. Patience.. Oh God, the patience!

It's a story, a narrative, a history, being written or narrated every second of the day. It's a play, being performed day after day, everyday. But.... without a script, without a cue card, without a director, without a backspace/delete key.

Some might argue there is The Almighty, directing us all. Others might say there IS no God. Whether He exists or not, it's a no brainer. We do. We breathe, we eat, we sleep, we walk, we run, we laugh, we cry, we love, we give, we take, we hurt..............

And then, the page turns, the day ends... and the plot changes once again.

But have any of you ever wondered how sometimes, JUST SOMETIMES, our own lives take a 360 degree turn. That the script, though it remains the same, the characters suddenly change. It's the same story, the same theme, the same script, the same lines.... But the characters reverse, their dialogues get exchanged, what they are required to emote, gets exchanged.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012


There's a dark solitary road infront of her,
Lined with huge dense trees on either side,
Partly illuminated by the light of the crescent moon that shines from behind grey clouds,
Towering giants, standing on either side, caging her, intimidating her.
She has been running, long and hard.
She is out of breath and thirsty, tired and hungry.
But none of this registers right now, now of that matters right now.
Her little body is writhing with pain, shaking with sobs.
There's a dread setting in, a fear, that's terrifying her.
She can't breathe, she can't think.
All she wants, is to get back to her home, where she feels safe.
But she is lost.
When she started off, she was confident she could make it.
But for the dreaded storm this night...
It made her run for cover, anywhere that she could go.
Now, she is directionless once more, lost once again...

Monday, March 26, 2012


कुछ लोग पीछे छूट जाते हैं
यादें वोह अपनी छोड़ जाते हैं
उन्ही यादों के बारे में सोचो
तो कुछ पुराने किस्से याद आ जाते हैं
उन पुराने किस्सों की थी अपनी कहानी
जो हमने लिखी थी अपनी ज़ुबानी
उन दिनों की बात कुछ और थी
जब ज़िन्दगी न सिर्फ एक दौड़ थी|

अपने से लोग, अपने से चेहरे
वोह सीधे से सुलझे से सपने
जब किसी मुखोटे पर न शक था
जब एक हसीं और आंसूं के बीच
सिर्फ एक मिनट का फरक था |

माना यह सब पुरानी बातें हैं
मगर कभी कभी ये याद आ जाती हैं
जब तुम अपने बारे में सोचते हो
जब तुम उन लोगों के बारे में सोचते हो
जो कभी तुम्हारे साथ हर पल थे
लेकिन आज कोई इधर कोई उधर है
उन चेहरों की कहानी है तो पुरानी
मगर लगती है अकेले पल में सुहानी|

वोह अपने से लोग, अपने से चेहरे
जो अब हो गए हैं थोड़े धुंधले |

मगर पुराने लम्हों के बीच,
उनके साथ धुंधले चेहरों के बीच,
मायूसी और मीठी यादों के बीच,
पता भी ना चला और नए रिश्ते बनते गए
शायद यही दस्तूर है, और ज़िन्दगी इसी का नाम है
इनमे से कुछ रिश्ते कल जीर्ण हो जायेंगे
कुछ खट्टी कुछ मीठी, माला में यादों की कुछ और मोती पिरोये जायेंगे

इन्हीं पुराने और नयी बनती यादों की थपेड़ में
आज के भागते ज़िन्दगी की दौड़ में
जब सोचने या तसल्ली से महसूस करने का वक़्त नहीं होता, फिर भी
हर नए रिश्तों के साथ एक आँस होती है
कभी सवाल और कभी खिलवाड़ी मन की जाँच होती है ,
और परखते-परखते, हम यह खुद से पुच बैठते हैं
के कबतक इस रिश्ते का साथ रहेगा,
क्या सिर्फ चार दिन की चांदनी रहेगी, या बसंत पूरे साल रहेगा
पर जो भी हो, एक अनकही तलाश और बेखबर इंतज़ार ज़ारी रहता है
जब तलक इस बात का यकीन ना हो जाये के इस बार की बसंत हमेशा के लिए आयी है.

(The last 2 verses have been added to This Poem, by Alok Raj Gupta :))

Sunday, March 25, 2012


HER- I am tired and scared.
HIM- I know...
HER- These stairs are steep and they never seem to end.
HIM- So what? I'll help you stand and teach you how to fly.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012


There's always something in the way
There's always something getting through
But its not me
Its you
Its you

Sometimes ignorance rings true
But hope is not in what I know
Its not in me
Its in you

Its all I know

I find peace when I'm confused
And I find hope when I'm let down
Not in me, me
In you
Its in you

I hope to lose myself for good
I hope to find it in the end
But not in me, me
In you
In you

Its all I know

Sunday, March 18, 2012


There's a man all alone
Telling me his friends are gone
That they've died and flown away
So I told him he was wrong
That you friends are never gone
If you look to the sky and pray

- Brandi Carlile

Friday, March 9, 2012


Breathe in, breathe out,
Tell me all of your doubts,
& Everybody bleeds this way,
Just the same.

Breathe in, breathe out,
Move on and break down,
If everyone goes away i will stay.

We push and pull,
& I fall down sometimes,
I'm not letting go,
You hold the other line.

Cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes.

Hold on hold tight,
From out of your sight,
If everything keeps moving on, moving on,
Hold on hold tight,
Make it through another night,
& everyday there comes a song with the dawn,
We push and pull and I fall down sometimes,
I'm not letting go,
You hold the other line.

Cause there is a light, in your eyes, in your eyes.
There is a light, in your eyes, in your eyes.

Breathe in, and breathe out.
Breathe in, and breathe out.

Look left look right,
To the moon in the night.
& everything under the stars is in your arms.

Cause there is a light, in your eyes in your eyes.
There is a light, in your eyes, in your eyes.


I’m coming home
I’m coming home
Tell the World I’m coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes
I’m coming home, I’m coming home
Tell the World that I’m coming.. home.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

करत करत अभ्यास के, जड़मति होत सुजान
रसरी आवत जात ते, सिल पर परत निसान

with honest efforts, persistence and hard work, the biggest of fools and the most simple headed of persons can become intelligent,
just as by repeatedly passing to and fro over a stone, even a rope leaves an indelible mark on the stone.

Monday, February 27, 2012


Oh let the sun beat down upon my face, stars to fill my dream
I am a traveler of both time and space, to be where I have been
To sit with elders of the gentle race, this world has seldom seen
They talk of days for which they sit and wait and all will be revealed

Talk and song from tongues of lilting grace, whose sounds caress my ear
But not a word I heard could I relate, the story was quite clear
Oh, oh.

Oh, I been flying... mama, there aint no denyin
Ive been flying, aint no denyin, no denyin

All I see turns to brown, as the sun burns the ground
And my eyes fill with sand, as I scan this wasted land
Trying to find, trying to find where Ive been.

Oh, pilot of the storm who leaves no trace, like thoughts inside a dream
Heed the path that led me to that place, yellow desert stream
My shangri-la beneath the summer moon, I will return again
Sure as the dust that floats high and true, when movin through kashmir.

Oh, father of the four winds, fill my sails, across the sea of years
With no provision but an open face, along the straits of fear

When Im on, when Im on my way, yeah
When I see, when I see the way, you stay-yeah

Ooh, yeah-yeah, ooh, yeah-yeah, when Im down...
Ooh, yeah-yeah, ooh, yeah-yeah, well Im down, so down
Ooh, my baby, ooooh, my baby, let me take you there

Let me take you there. let me take you there

-- Led Zeppelin

Sunday, February 26, 2012

11 AM- upbeat and rearing to go.
1.30 PM- want to shoot half the world. strangle the rest.

i need to breathe... i need to breathe in some fresh air. i want to feel whole. not as fragmented and fragile as i feel right now. but i DON'T KNOW what to do about it! except cry in anguish, shout at people, and throw things around.

i think i'll go and take a cold shower. that should clear my head, even if it makes my teeth chatter. :|

Saturday, February 25, 2012

"I take refuge in (devote or submit myself to) the Wonderful Law of the Lotus Flower Sutra"

THAT… is a general, universally accepted interpretation of the Daimoku, which goes something like, Nam Myōhō Renge Kyō.

This is an experience which Apurva shared with me, in the hope that it might motivate me and help me fight MY demons, giving things my best shot. I love you, you wonderful amazing woman! With a hundred things going on around you, you still manage to find time to gather motivation for me.. :)

And well, i would like to share with whosoever wishes to read it and know about it.. :) ]

I am Vandana Gauria, and was introduced to Nichiren Diashonin’s Buddhism 4 yrs ago.

My father passed away in 2007 and the family was left to fend for itself both financially as well as mentally. There were frequent fights at home and the environment was gloomy. My father was a CA and left behind an office to be taken care of by us. At the age of 19, I was dealing with clients more than double my age and solving their financial issues. Besides, I was a CA student myself and had just cleared the entrance exam. My work occupied most of my time and it had always been a struggle to study while taking care of the office. I took to this philosophy as a fish takes to water. On hearing members experiences, I realized that if I wanted a change within the family, then I had to take action. Thereon I have been actively participating in the Gakkai activities and chanting Daimoku with firm faith in the Gohonzon.

I have received numerous benefits during the course of the last 4 yrs in the form of a happy and joyful family, clearing my CA Inter exams in the first attempt with good marks, shifting to our own house, winning the trust & respect of people around me, work that I enjoy doing among the other benefits that I receive in my daily life, including both conspicuous as well as inconspicuous benefits. Being human, issues keep cropping both in my personal as well as professional life as they did earlier, however my perspective of viewing and handling them has changed. In such times I challenge to maintain a high life condition and pray to polish my own inner life. The practice has taught me to look for causes within to be able to understand the environment better and undertake my human revolution to be able to resolve the situation. The benefit of the practice reflects in my personality and nature as well.

In July last year, I appeared for the CHARTERED ACCOUNTANTS Final exams and got through one group. Disheartened with the fact that I could not clear both the groups, I could not savour the joy of the victory that I had just achieved. Eventually, after taking guidance I realised that my result had been a benefit of my practice as despite one of my papers not going too well, I had managed to clear it.

I expressed my deep gratitude towards the gohonzon and determined to bring glory to my parents and my mentor by passing the next set of exams with good marks and become a CHARTERED ACCOUNTANT .
After wasting a month by virtually not studying anything, I was left with three months to study four subjects. Meanwhile, we had 3 due dates in the office to take care of and there were other work commitments. The entire 3 months were marked by immense work pressure and late nights at the office leaving little time to study. One month before the exam, there were many days when I could not even open the books. Sensei said “Study hard to surprise yourself. It was time for me to implement this guidance in the form of exerting myself to the maximum extent and bring out my inherent potential.  All this while, I based myself on chanting Nam Myoho renge kyo and kept reminding myself of my determination. Being a practioner of nichiren daishonin’s buddhism, I could not give up and I had to show actual proof of my practice. Not ready to surrender to anything, I finally took an off from my work  10 days before the exam and  I was still left with 2 subjects to complete. As the gosho says “you had better cut short your sleep by night and curtail your leisure by day, and ponder this! You must not spend your lives in vain and regret it for ten thousand years to come.”  Basing myself on these lines, I prayed to be able to stretch my day. During these 10 days I was coordinating work during the first half of the day over the phone as well as studying hard till late in the mornings. I chanted to be able to study with the buddhas wisdom and to grasp, remember and recall everything that I studied. Mystically, I managed not just to complete the syllabus but also thoroughly revise the course as well.

Usually, the course of certain subjects undergoes changes in every exam that is held in may. However, this time there were a number of changes in one of the subjects in the November exam as well which we had not known about. The protective  power of our daimoku came forth when my sister’s friend informed her about the changes and both of us were thus protected from an exam going haywire due to this.
I am happy to report that I managed to manifest courage and not get nervous before any paper. My prayers were answered when I was able to recall everything that I had studied during the last few days and very joyfully gave all the exams.

With deep gratitude towards the gohonzon, I would like to report that both me and my sister have passed the exam with flying colours and have become CHARTERED ACCOUNTANTS. Our family and office had been waiting for one CA  since the last 4 years, and today they have two. The happiness around is unbound. Ikeda sensei says “ Daimoku has boundless power. It is the source of all victory. A brilliant and indestructible triumph begins with Daimoku.”

Throughout the period of practice and the last three months particularly, I was able to manifest a high life condition and manifest my buddha nature in the form of courage and perseverance through the power of daimoku.

Today, I determine to excel in my profession as a CA and earn trust and respect from society and expand my network of friends. I further determine to strenghthen my faith, practice and study and work for the happiness of people in my environment.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Another turning point
A fork stuck in the road 
Time grabs you by the wrist
directs you where to go 
So make the best of this test
And don't ask why 
It's not a question 
But a lesson learned in time 

It's something unpredictable but in the end 
It's right I hope you've had the time of your life 

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind 
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time 
Tattoos and memories and dead skin on trial 
For what it's worth it was worth all the while 

take me away...
a secret place...
a sweet escape..
take me awayyyy..

so tired. feeling worthless. need a change. need to do something. something thats empowering. something to throw right back in their faces.

Sunday, February 19, 2012


Dear B

WHY, and HOW, are you so sensible and right, always? How is it that you have a solution to everything under the sun, and function under crisis as if the damned thing was planned to the last milestone? I am not USED to having such people around me, you see, the ones who have their head screwed on right and who are as balanced as you are! You are so much more concerned about my targets and my goals than i am, which is amazing and nice, but just a bit of a black spot on my otherwise spotless conscience, you see. Kindly share as to what you eat and drink, to keep it that way.

You get along with everyone, connect with all my friends at an individual, personal level and find something to talk about with everyone! And my sister, my own flesh and blood, prefers you over me! And not just her, HER FRIENDS as well! How weird is that? The Secret, please?

And while we are at it, could you also explain as to how you manage to be the most awesomely romantic guy on this planet without being sickly mushy? Your surprises, how i love them. How can you be the corporate slave that you are, and still manage them? You take the bar higher everytime i try to compete. Again, NOT good for my ego! :|

Oh, and how can i not mention your patience! I have done anything and everything i could think of under this sun, to test it and annoy you. But alas, i never do succeed. You are well aware of how i lack on that particular front, and HOW short tempered and impatient i am, right? So would you mind sharing a tip or two?

And, most importantly, would you kindly explain to me as to why does it seem like you have always been a part of my life and everything around me, when we started dating not 2 months back, and i was virtually unaware of your existence till 6 months before that?

Looking forward to a detailed reply,


Thursday, February 16, 2012


something is really puzzling me. something is amiss. a certain someone insists on telling me something, going in excruciating details, whereas others simply say things to negate those very details. it's funny. i wonder whose version is true. and what's the need to lie anyway?! :|

Sunday, February 12, 2012


 “If you failed yesterday, strive to win today. If you were defeated today, strive to win tomorrow.” 

this wonderful lady has been kind enough to share her experiences with me, the tough times she has gone through in the last few years, and how she overcame them. Her troubles somehow seem to be very similar to what i am going through right now, what a lot of my friends are going through right now, even if they might not be as vocal about it as i am. She feels that sharing them with me will help me draw inspiration from her and help me fight my own devils. 

“Misfortune will change into fortune. Muster your faith and pray to this gohonzon. Then what is there that cannot be achieved.”

Now i do not practice Buddhism, neither this particular sect nor any other sect. But i do believe that putting your trust in a higher power, trusting something out there with infinite faith helps you get through your tough times. Some might roll their eyes at this. Maybe they are those rare brilliant examples of our race who have never been low on self confidence or somehow never doubted themselves or their motives. I have, quite often, and i am not ashamed to admit it. But i have also resolutely climbed out of those hellholes, on my own, BECAUSE of my belief that all is never lost, that there IS someone out there somewhere looking out for me. My faith has been shaken often, i have questioned it often, have come very close to losing it on a few occasions, the last one being very recently infact. The point is, most of us occasionally need something to hold onto, believe in when nothing else seems to be going right. And that, i think, is what she is trying to explain to me. Someone summed it up for me from somewhere a couple of months back... it's all about the eternal combination.. 1 quart faith and 3 quarts hard work.
Work, unwavering, diligent, honest hard work is the only way out.. complete focus and a willingness to fight the devils (metaphorically ofcourse!) is the only thing that can get you through...

My heart's a stereo
It beats for you, so listen close
Hear my thoughts in every no-o-ote
Make me your radio
And turn me up when you feel low
This melody was meant for you
To sing along to my stereo

Thursday, February 9, 2012


It'a 2.04 A.M. right now... i am holding my phone against my ear, and i can hear your slow, even breathing. Yes, you have fallen asleep while talking to me, covering the distance of 7% within a span of 30 seconds...

 I know, i know, i should probably disconnect the call, but it's just such a nice feeling to hear you sleep so contently. You sleep like a baby, oblivious to the world, except for the one that you enter in your slumber.. :)

I even tried slow talking to you, whispering in your ears a couple of time, trying to verify if you had fallen into a deep sleep, or simply dozed off (ah well.. what can i say, an accountant's habit? :) ), but you're fast asleep.

I should probably feel guilty for keeping you up this late after a grueling day at work... but then again, you did insist you wanted to fall asleep talking to me... kind of flattering, to be honest, hehe.

Sleep well, you. :)

Wednesday, February 8, 2012


There is a lot of shit happening in my life at the moment. I don't have a minute to give to myself. Something or the other keeps going wrong. As always, there's some confusion or the other around me. There are days when i can't stop cribbing about the unfairness of this and that, of how annoying he is, or what a pain she is.

But if you were to ask me if i would do things any differently from the way i have chosen to do them, if i would want to change anything, my answer would be a negative. I like where i am right now.. By no means does it mean that i am satisfied with how things are, and am content with my lot. No. It simply means, the small things amiss here and there do not take away from the sense of looking forward.

Till a few days back, everything seemed so dark and bleak. But now, in my weird typical way, i have decided to deal with it. And by deal with it, i mean not paying special attention to these ups and downs, by simply facing things one at a time, as they come up, instead of sitting and crying about them. Ofcourse i crib, all the bloody time, but then again, that's a part of the game, isn't it? Doesn't mean i am going to go and hide for eternity, no sir! And well, a lot of credit for all this goes to the amazing people around me... my dear baby sister who annoys the crap out of me most of the time but is always ALWAYS there, Alokick (that immensely patient man.. God bless you! lol), Reeeeeshu (you lanky typical boy uncle, you baniya businessman, you!), E (the lady with all the solutions), Geeko (even your name says you're an ass at most times :P ), Kuki (that slightly off her rocker but adorable to death woman,with the most incredible spiritual-mature-nutcase balance lol)....... whenever i feel blue, these people ensure that even if my shoulders might momentarily droop, my chin stays up and the smile doesn't disappear for too long. Sigh. Where would i be without you people.

PS - it's just another random ramble, and probably won't make much sense. But i just felt like typing all this. And well, my space and all that, you know!  ;)

Sunday, February 5, 2012


It's a warm pleasant Sunday afternoon. A perfect early February day. The whole clan is assembling at the farmhouse in Chhatarpur for a theme party and lunch..

... AND I AM HERE, HOME, WRITING THIS LAME POST. But then, did i mention, i've got FEMA and Holding Companies to keep me company. Joy.
Oh well...

Saturday, February 4, 2012


There are so many things i could say. But i won't. For the simple reason that i don't want to share any of it with anyone. (Yes... a lesson learnt the past few days, albeit a  little late! :P )

But i WILL say one thing.. you are the best thing to have happened to me in the longest time. They don't make them like you anymore. I think i just got lucky. And am i glad i did! :)

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


Lord, give me the strength to persevere, to fight this sense of desolation that engulfs me with the crack of dawn every morning that i open my eyes. To not give up when all i want to do is hang in my boots and walk away. To keep away the distractions from my now fragile mind. To keep my trust and confidence in myself when everything and everyone around me points to the contrary. To ignore the negatives for a while and concentrate my energies only on the positive forces around me. To fight the demons that mock me at every turn. To overcome my fears of failure.

And in the midst of it all, help me keep my eyes open to the little things of beauty around me, to appreciate the good and respect the laws of nature. To turn the hopelessness that i feel into a sense of anticipation of facing a challenge head on. And to keep at it till i win. To keep my trust in those i trust, and not let petty things affect it or shake it, to feel the confidence in the good cheer that the positive souls around me try and spread around me.

Help me not turn my back on life and keep my chin up. I know i try to do that, but help me try harder... .



"How could you?! how could you do and say what you did? One day they get angry at you, once they say a few things to you... and you throw dirt on everything they've worked for all these years, throw muck on their life's work?! aren't you feeling ashamed of yourself? doesn't something inside you, torment you?
They have given this their entire life... this IS their life. the fruit of their labor, their hard work, their EVERYTHING! and all it took was one bout of anger to throw cold water on all of it. imagine the pain and the trauma your words must have caused. is it any wonder that you are being treated the way you are? is it unfair? you have disappointed me... and disappointed them. so much... so much they've done. and so much you forgot all about. in that one moment of anger. you lousy ungrateful bitch!" 

Saturday, January 28, 2012


I might be no expert, but i have always believed that where literature is concerned, i am no ignorant fool. I am an avid reader and love prose. I know my Dickens from Twain, Dostoevsky from Tolstoy, Amitav Ghosh from Hari Kunzru and so on.

However, where poetry is concerned, my knowledge is extremely lacking. It's not like i can't appreciate poetry or the delicacy and subtlety of this form of literature from the more direct force which characterizes most of prose. It's just something i have never really paid much attention to. For some reason, i have always dismissed it as something for the more serious readers, and the academicians.

It is a notion i've always had since my middle school days. Prose meant something straight and direct, something more absorbing, something which spun a web of wonder around me, made me travel from one era or one place to another.
Poetry on the other hand, was something which always seemed more difficult to understand, something which first needed to be interpreted, and then enjoyed. Atleast at that age, and in that time.
As a result of all that, i never really did pay much attention to it.

However, now i wish i hadn't been so dismissive of it. Because the more poetry i read, the more wonderful it seems to me. And the more my earlier notion annoys me. I regret not having read more.

Hence, i have decided, i am going to read atleast one poem everyday. I am going to pick a particular poet, and read as much of his/her works as i can lay my hands on. And well, the first poet(ess) i have decided to pick, is Maya Angelou, mainly because i have read some of her works, and one of her poems, I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings, has always been a particular favorite.

Suggestions are welcome! :)


A random status message on facebook says, 
"You can never make the same mistake twice ,because the second time you make it,it's not a mistake,it's a choice."

Usually, i pass this kind of preachy advise without a second glance. But well, this time the person seems to make just a little bit of sense. I guess it might have had something to do with the fact that the above quote is eerily applicable in my case. Having fallen in the same ditch repeatedly, and making a pattern of it does qualify i believe, nay?

ah well. so that's that.


oh no oh no oh no... the devil is creeping in once again! that monster with a trident and red horns? yes, he is upto some mischief!
he's making me feel restless once again.. giving me this itch to simply get up and get out and do something drastic, prodding me with that infernal three edged needle.. something fun, something exciting, something excruciatingly exhilarating, something, drastic, something dramatic, something adventurous, something different from the mundane and ordinary... something which is a mix of all of these and bound to play havoc with my mind, that stupid part of me which i am trying so hard to tame!
i am trying to convince him, telling him, "listen, it's because of you i've flunked once again, and i can't afford to serve you this time!" but apparently, i am not being too convincing!
he simply sits there, grinning that mischievous 'do-what-you-will-you-know-it's-me-who'll-win' grin.
he has even manipulated the weather god! it's so bright and sunny, warm and brilliant!


Tuesday, January 24, 2012


she said i feel stranded
and i can't tell anymore
if i'm coming or i'm going
it's not how i planned it
i got a key to the door
but it just won't open

i know i know i know
part of me says let it go
that life happens for a reason
i don't i don't i don't
because it never worked before
but this time
this time
i'm gonna try anything to just feel better

tell me what to do
you know i can't see through the haze around me
and i'd do anything to just feel better
i can't find my way
god i need a change
and i'd do anything to just feel better
any little thing to just feel better

she said i need you to hold me
i'm a little far from the shore
and i'm afraid of sinking
you're the only one who knows me
and who doesn't ignore that my soul is weeping

tell me what to do
you know i can't see through the haze around me
and i'd do anything to just feel better
i can't find my way
god i need a change
and i'd do anything to just feel better
any little thing to just feel better

i'm tired of holding on
to all the things i leave behind
it's really getting old yeah
i think i need a little help this time
i'm gonna try anything to just feel better..

Life can be surprizing.. unexpected, harsh, cruel, unfair, yet inspiring.
Under most circumstances, we turn towards our perceived strengths, looking towards them for inspiration, motivation and belief, hoping that they would get us through when all else and everything else fails.
But then, there are those occasions, rare as they might be, when it's the failure of that source of inspiration, that spurs you on.
When something that you've counted on, turns against you, the sheer intensity of the pain that it causes, shocks you into action.
When something that you always thought and hoped would HELP you prove a point, becomes the thing you need to prove a point to..

i read this somewhere..

"May you have the mindless/fulness to mute the judgments around you and tune-into your awesomeness and be in YOUR element".

Monday, January 23, 2012


..I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

..'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

Thursday, January 19, 2012


So the D-Day came and went... and brought nothing new to offer to me. Except probably, just another lesson in perseverance. The worst bit? Finding it out in the presence of 50-60 odd people, AFTER an announcement in the newspaper. what's with the Institute and suddenly media frenzy anyway?!

Ah well.. we shall come to that bridge soon enough. Not as if i am getting away from it anytime soon! Anyway..
the wedding is done with. Quite wonderful last 3 days, except for that dark spot yesterday.
And now... it's close to the time for our Act! And i need to get everything in order to ensure everything falls in place, or else, we are gonna be NOWHERE! Plus, you can't really build up expectations all around, and then do nothing about it. Just not cool man, just not cool. Heh.

Moreover, it helps keep me busy and distracted. He (i.e. the one above) doesn't give me much to thank Him for these days, but... THANK GOD FOR SMALL MERCIES! 

Friday, January 13, 2012


Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

- Robert Frost

Tuesday, January 10, 2012


The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you

there are about a hundred reasons for me to be writing a blogpost... but but BUT... i FINALLY have a new journal, which obviously gets priority! i had, i think for MONTHS now, been going on and on about how i needed one. i think i pretty much chewed people's ears off, going on about it. hahaha! a funny thing though- i hadn't written anything in it till last night. ah well.. that is taken care of.

Anyway, a quick update on what keeps me busy these days-
  • my parents' 25th Anniversary preparations which include a lot of planning on my behalf, trying to devise every possible way of making a fool of myself in front of everyone, ESPECIALLY the ones i invite. -headdesk-
  • this stupid annoying client, which seems never ending, the work being so scattered, manually maintained records, absent supervisors, absent entry passes, absent escorts, absent cars and wottnottt!
  • now, if i am talking of work, how can i NOT mention my delightful coworker. she's a right ray of sunshine, that one! i can't stop talking about her! ask A, D and E! -heh heh heh-
  • this never ending cough. it's my winter mistress. doesn't let go of me through the season. it does go a little dormant once in a while, but never EVER leaves me be!
  • this, though occupies my mind every waking (and sleeping!) moment, it's something i like to talk about the least. the word in question starts with 'R' and ends with a 'T'. the intelligent ones won't take too long to figure, am guessing!
  • and ofcourse, some random thoughts which keep occupying my mind off and on, which make me wanna go back under the blanket and never come out. lol
so yeah, my little list, a sort of answer to the title question!

PS- i might have got my journal, but we are STILL going journal shopping! now that i have started, mine won't last too long anyway... ;)