Thursday, November 21, 2013

Second post in two days. After not having written forever. Who would have thought. But i guess it's only when i am drowning in sorrow or jumping with joy, that i actually feel the need to express. And right now, sadly or not, it's the former.

I am just so upset with my life! And i feel so helpless! What do i do?! How do i sort things? How do i arrive at answers?! That one thing i've never believed in, or believe in, has cast a shadow on everything around me. And the uncertainty of it all has affected me in a manner which makes me run away from everything and everyone remotely associated with anything to do with it. Since i can't physically run away, i'm emotionally running from it all, cutting off from everyone, because the fact that it somehow matters to me, affects me more than it matters to anyone else, bothers me too much. It just doesn't seem to bother anyone else! My whole life is under question, but nobody cares.

I don't know what to do, how to deal with all this. And this helplessness is suffocating me. I am drowning in it! It is making me question the premise of everything i took as a given. It feels like an open wound. And it's a wound that i want to prick, to see how much it bleeds, how much it pains, and how i bear that pain. 


Broken, disturbed, frustrated, tired. Reached that point of saturation. Even a mosquito seems to have a more ambitious, a more purposeful life than I do. I'm hurting so bad right now, I don't know what to do or who to turn to. Everyone is busy with their lives, has their own set of worries. How can I go to them for answers to questions that are half evolved in my own head? Things seem so desperate that I, one who has never believed in self help books, thought I might find an answer in this book I came across today, Finding A Purpose In Life. But sadly, that hasn't been of use either thus far.

Forget that level of satisfaction, I am not even close to deciphering the path to it. Everything, every aspect of life seems to be coming undone- professional, academic and personal. I don't know what's going on in any aspect of my life. There's so much confusion with respect to everything! I feel like a pendulum, oscillating between despair and optimism.

I just want to get away from everything, everyone, cut myself off.. Or cut off those various pieces of me that are attached to these various aspects.. I just want to close my ears to the cacophony, put on my rose tinted glasses and go into a world where everything is fine and sorted and where I can be happy.