Turning unfaithful..

To all of you who have been visiting my blog over all these years.. thank you. thank you for making me feel that there was something that i have been doing for more than a decade now (!!) that did have some meaning. Believe it or not, the thought that i have been read by so many of you, that there are people who though might not have been following me, have still looked up my blog and read what i wrote, gave me so much confidence, words can't express it.

However, i feel that after all these years, i am finally ready for something new. So i am shifting my blog to wordpress.com. It's still not my own domain yet, i know, but someday soon i promise. Till then, please DO keep reading my thoughts, becoming a part of my world, and show some love on the new blog! My new blog's name is Random Thoughts (big surprise, that lol!), and the URL is https://kritzmat.wordpress.com/ .

Please continue to visit the new page, and do share your thoughts, your opinions with me through your comments. Continue to share with me what resonates with you, what you like, or even what you don't.

So long, Blogspot! Thank you for having given me this beautiful outlet for my thoughts and feelings. You will always be my first :)

IF I COULD (By Maurice Yvonne)

if i could, 

 i'd wish a magic wand.

 if i could,

 i would build dreams

 brick by brick 

 the kind

 one could hang on to

 one could live in.

 if i could, 

 imagine

 upside down 

 rainbows 

 so the sky 

 baby blue

 would look as if

 it was smiling. 

 my bestest hope

 wipe away the tears from

 the hungry 

 the abused 

the sickly children

 and elderly. 

 this first, 

fore all else,

 yes the children and the elderly. 

if i could, 

 replace every tear with a smile 

 a hug

 a tickle 

if i could, 

snap my fingers make money obsolete,  

plenty for everybody to share.

clap my hands medical care everywhere would be there.

in my heart, live dried out tears.

there, i hear the pulse of our planet. 

so many good people, 

people who care.

there's a black venom 

such a small dose 

affects the masses. 

if i could,

supply all with the antidote.

if i could, 

i would build an arc 

sail 'till the world was cleansed 

move in with everyone 

on one land. 

call it OURS. 

yes definitely OURS. 

i like that name. 

i can't. 

i can't do all those things. 

i can kiss where it hurts. 

 give hugs freely. 

 give what possessions, 

 i can do without, 

 share my physical wealth. 

i fear nothing. 

 least of all poverty 

 happy to share what i can. 

i can offer you my love 

love comes easy to me. 

it never feels like enough. 

but i am here, arms wide open. 

tell me what is it you need, how can i help. 

i love you, unconditionally.

[I came across this poem on this website called Poetry Soup. It was so raw, so beautiful i couldn't help but re post it here. Whoever you are Yvonne, know that your words resonate with me, and affect me like things haven't in a long long while. You are one beautiful soul, whoever you are.

The original link where i found this poem is: https://www.poetrysoup.com/poem/if_i_could_625737 ]

I am now beginning to understand the differences between fairytale romance as we are exposed to, and real life love. In real life, the stories do not end with merely the girl and the boy walking away into the sunset hand in hand, after having won their love against all odds.

It goes beyond those small insignificant problems that you might have been used to thus far. It's about how you understand your partner. Whether you look at their feelings as being free of you/independent of you, or whether you look at them from your lens, and only stay fixated on yourself.

It's about expectations - where do you draw a line on what/how much you can expect from them.

It's about whether you recognize and respect your differences for real, accept that you both might be different as light and day, or do you try and colour the other in your colors, expect them to be like you, feel like you, love like you, be like you.

It's about NOT pretending. About having to feel the burden of always being right in the other person's eyes. Of taking that freedom of thought, emotions, actions and feelings for granted, and not feeling OBLIGATED to behave a certain way and act a certain way, afraid to be yourself for the fear of hurting the other.

It's about establishing trust, and not taking its existence for granted. It's about when somebody entrusts you with their confidence and considers you trustworthy enough to be themselves around you, to cherish and value that trust. To acknowledge that the person in front of you is an individual in their own right, and NOT someone you have chosen to merely echo your feelings and thoughts and opinions.

It's about giving as much as taking. When you want someone to be physically and emotionally invested in you, you need to ensure that you make it worth their while.

And more than anything else, it's about understanding that the relationship is worth it all only when you view your partner as an EQUAL, not just in words and on paper or while talking in social circles, but in your mind, actions, opinions and expectations.

Know that what you are, who you are, as an individual, stays. When you accept someone in your life and are willing to make them a permanent part of you, KNOW that you are putting them above all others in your life. But NEVER above yourself. And NEVER beneath yourself. Always an equal.

Zindagi.. Kaisi Yeh Paheli Haaye!

Zindagi... kaisi yeh paheli haaye!

Kabhi yeh hasaaye, kabhi ye rulaaye!

Nahi samajh aata kis taraf jaa rahi hoon main.. kahaan jaa rahi hoon. Kaise jaa rahi hoon. Kahi jaa bhi rahi hoon kya? Ya phir bina pata hue wahin khadi reh gayi hoon.. 

Kahaan kabhi chahti thi ki kisi cheez se na bandh jaaun. Kisi ko koi jawaab na dena pade, rishte aur unke saath ki uljhano se door bhaag jaaun.. aur aaj aisa lagta hai unhi mein lipat kar reh gayi hoon.

Magar galti kisi aur ki nahi hai.. galti sirf meri hai. Kyunki maine kabhi apne aap ko apni khud ki nazar se naa hi dekhne ki koshish ki, na samajhne ki. Bas hamesha doosron ki hi nazar se apne ko dekhne ki koshish karti rahi. Hamesha dhyaan isi mein raha ki meri kareebi log mujhse kya chahte hain, mujhme kya chahte hain. Kya sochte hain woh mere baare mein.. sab accha hi sochte hain na, ya phir unhe kuch naa pasand hai mere me? Shayad main agar ye kar loon to mujhe thoda better samjhenge, aur agar yeh kar lun, to shaayad woh bhi mujhe utna hi pyaar karenge jitna main karti hoon unhe..

ye sochte sochte main apne aap ko aaj tak kabhi aise badalti rahi hoon, to kabhi waise. Aur ab haal aisa hai ki main khud hi bhool gayi hoon ki main khudse kya chahti hoon. Nahi samajh paa rahi hoon ye kya chal raha hai mere dil me, mere dimaag mein. Ye ajeeb si hulchul kyun hai? Yeh chidchidapan kyun hai? Doosron ki pasand napasand ki shatranj khelte khelte, shaayad main apni hi zindagi ka sirf ek pyaada ban gayi hoon. Hona to rani tha, magar mujhe lagta nahi main kabhi apne aap ko itni acchi tarha samajh bhi paaungi. 

Dar lagta hai mujhe. Kaise samjhoon apne aap ko main. Kaise is paheli ko suljhaun? Mere andar ki ye hulchul ab to mere har roz ki baaton mein bhi dikhne lagi hai. Choti choti baaton par gussa aa jaata hai mujhe. Main unpar Alok se jhagad leti hoon. Kuch bhi akele nahi chhoda jaata. Jab tak har cheez ko kured kured kar usko acche kheench kar, tod kar, marod kar us baat ko khatam nahi kar paati, use khatam nahi hone deti. Kya karoon main?! Mujhe pata hai ki jab tak mere andar woh shaanti nahi aayegi, jab tak main khud ko nahi dhoond lungi, main kabhi is kami ko nahi poora kar paaungi. Mujhe jo chahiye, main uska jawaab baahar kisi cheez mein, ya kisi aur mein nahi dhoond sakti. Woh sirf mere hi andar mujhe milega.. magar kaise dhoondo? kaise us tak pauhnchu? 

Sometimes we are so wrapped up in our own zone and our own world, we fail to pay any heed to how our words or actions, no matter how insignificant they might seem to us,a affect those around us. And more often than not, we do this barbaric thing with people who are closest to us, whom we have the power to affect the most.
It's really sad when it happens, but what might worsen the blow is a pre existing weakness in the other person, which you trigger unintentionally when you talk heedlessly.
And that's what i request of everyone who's reading this blog post.. Please, no matter how close you might be to someone, no matter whether they're your soulmates or childhood buddies or children or parents or whatever else.. Please please please, stop a minute before you say things to these people. It's not as much about how harsh or ordinary your words are, it's about the impact they have on the one who's listening. And surely, if they genuinely are as important to you as you claim, you would be aware of the potential impact of your words on them, nay? For what's most banal for you could be profuse for the other. And once the damage is done, the hurt cannot be simply wished away.. Nor the showdown that might follow it.

It's 2 AM by the clock, and I'm still wide awake. Had a fabulous evening where the husband cooked an amazing dinner of veg potpourri and toast, post which we watched The Girl on The Train with a drink each. He's now pleasantly asleep, but sleep eludes me right now. So here I am, fixing myself some cup noodles and reading a good book while listening to some Eric Clapton. Can't say am missing sleep.. This solitude just feels too nice. :)
Ah well! Sweet dreams, you all!

Now that I'm married and have become an aunt by extension, and have had the chance to observe some of those typical parents and children interactions, I can say that we as adults are less than perfect towards children in a number of ways! Because I feel that, in our wish to continuously protect them and be around them and shield them and feed them, we are smothering them. Even when we are right,  I feel we are partly wrong. Why? Because we give them the answers even before they have asked a question! Because we feed into their tiny heads what they should or shouldn't do, even before they realize the choices in front of them. Because we want to protect them from the cold or the rain or the heat, irrespective of whether the weather is that formidable or not. Because we forget what it felt like when we were young, and loved to go out in the rain and get wet, or eat those ice lollies or run around in the sweat and the mud, or..

I see kids and their mothers and try and compare it with how it was when I was a child.. Were we also constantly told how to do this or that, wear this or that, eat this or that, think this way or that way?

I wonder if aren't we hampering their own experiences by cushioning them too much? By having one long list of DO's and DON'Ts, instead of raising disciplined individuals, aren't we raising biased individuals? Breathe please, and let them breathe as well!

DUNIYA KA SABSE BADA ROG, KYA KAHENGE LOG!

Self worth.. the phrase that has been going around in my head since morning. What got me thinking about it? A conversation with someone very close and very dear to me. She is facing a problem, but has sort of become indifferent to it. When i suggested that why don't you share your feelings and fears and insecurities with those immediately around you, she refused point blank, stating categorically that she has no confidence in them. And went on a step further to add that she feels that the self doubt and issues in her mind right now, are a result of ignorant emotional attacks by those very people, wherein, while expressing their uninhibited concern and support for something in a not so positive way, they ended up being the reason for self doubt and lack of self worth in her

Why do we do this? Why do we overstep our lines and destroy somebody's confidence or worth or value, simply because they do not adhere to the ideal image that we have in our heads? Why is it so important to you that the other person looks, talks, walks, think, or for that matter breathes, in the manner you seem fit? No matter how close you are to them, you can NOT become that person! You can NOT take up the onus of judging them AND THEN, take up the responsibility of setting the list of action items they need to undertake in order to fall in line. How atrocious and ignorant of you! Do you realize what you do? The 'concern' that you have shown over all these years, has wiped away slowly at the feeling of self worth that is the basic right of that very person! If anything, your responsibility is to help that very person for that very thing, by lending them all the positivity and strength that you can muster. Stop taunting and shaming them, and start with some understanding, some counselling, some encouragement, and lots of strength. Tell her that she's perfect the way she is, that there are so many qualities in her that even you don't possess, that her personality outshines then sheen brought on by the most expensive of illuminators. That when you listen to stories of others, your heart swells with gratitude and your head goes a little higher with pride. That her inherent potential, her skills, and her dogged persistence, makes her jewel in today's world!

There are times when we all fail to do these things - appreciate a person for who she is, NOT BECAUSE we don't value them  or don't recognize their worth, but because we love them so much, or because we want so much MORE for them, we want everything to be added in that one little human spirit, to make it bigger and bigger, just like the love that we feel for them or the wishes that we seek for them. But then, without realizing it, we are creating our own shackles around them, which bind them and tear at them bit by bit, till it leaves  behind only a fragment of what once was.. Don't do it. Don't destroy something precious in your attempts to protect it and harness it. You will never even realize the damage that you instil..

And you, don't you let it chip away at yourself. You are more than just words, or taunts, or opinions. You are bigger than anything else in your own universe. Your first responsibility, today and always, is only and only towards yourself. Only when you yourself are happy, can you ever make anyone or anything happy. And nobody has the right to make you feel anything that you don't wish to. They can say whatever the fuck they want, but it can't be worth anything ONLY WHEN you decide to give it any weight. You are stronger than that. You are stronger than anything else. Because you have absolute and uncontrolled power over one thing and only one thing in this planet - yourself. Don't squander it away, don't delegate it to anybody else. Your own willpower will guide you, your own reasons will guide you.. give them freeway. Let facts and situations talk to you. Listen to that voice inside of you, which tells you the most honest thing. Don't ignore it, not in the favor of the cacophony around you, and most certainly not in the favour of that little elf called Self Pity. These two things will always try and overpower you. But they can, only if YOU let them, Don't let them.

The entire day today, I've been wondering about one thing - when did I stop trusting  my own validation of myself, and when did I start looking for it outside? Was it because I was always a fat child, a fat girl, and I always felt inferior to my other friends, who were all (and still are!) strikingly shapely and beautiful as far back as I can remember? Was it the fact that this one thing made me feel so small about myself, I started depending upon the kind words spoken by others, appreciating my naturally sharp features and pretty face? Did I start looking for that compensation everywhere, fishing  for those few words, to quench my thirst for appreciation that usually fell in the laps of my more dainty friends? Perhaps. And funnily enough, now I feel no sense of shame or embarrassment in admitting to it on a public forum. It's definitely not the easiest thing  to say, but it doesn't really matter to me anymore. Because I'm not insecure anymore about what I am or how I look. And I'm equally unashamed to admit to the fact that it has as much to do with the fact that I understand myself more, as the fact that I understand those very people a lot better today. And they aren't as perfect or beyond reproach as my naive mind once felt they were.

And yet, I regret that small loss of control and independence over my confidence even now, more than I regret feeling inferior or superior or whatever. Because it sort of travelled to other aspects of my personality. I started looking for validation and ratification from others. I always had a knack for words, and that ability came from the fact that I felt everything I wrote, and I wrote only what I felt. But then, besides a few cases here and there, those words became jargon. They sounded good, damn they sounded good! They sounded so good in my head and while I said them, that I loved the idea of believing them. They made me sound ambitious, smart, intelligent, intellectual, and very very corporate. Ambitious I'd always been. But now, it was more like commercial ambition. And this path seemed easier than the one I'd originally thought for myself anyway, because there, I'd have had to write my own course of action. Here, the path was well written and everyone was walking it! And where I was skeptical, I looked for guidance towards others.. Who well meaning as they were, could never be me, and hence could never give me the advice that I was subconsciously craving or truly in the need of. They were risk averse and always believed in playing safe, which worked brilliantly for them. And so, without questioning much, I once again looked for the path, the route outside, and then endeavored to walk it. And because it didn't really mean much to me, I looked for approval from outside for my small victories and feared the disapproval and disappointment that accompanied my failures. I judged myself, and allowed people to judge me. To the extent that I couldn't hear what my own mind was saying anymore..

And it took me ages to realize how horribly caught up i had become in this vicious circle of my own making. And how important it is for me to get out of it! The personality complexes, the constant inward comparisons, questioning the intentions of the most normal things, doubting support that came my way, and worst of all, looking at smallest of achievements as if I'd conquered the whole world and self proclaiming myself as a cut above the rest.. Conflicting  personality traits, bursts of anger, extreme mood swings, constant self pity.. You name it and i was feeling it. And justifying it all in my head. All for what? To convince myself that the decisions I'd taken over all these years were actually not all that bad...

It took a lot of patience on my end as well as those who were closest to me (unaware as they are of the reasons for my erratic behaviour), and a lot of undoing of all that negativity in my head to get to this point now when I can so objectively talk about it, write about it. I'm still a work in progress and it will still take me a long time to reach those levels of confidence that I had when I was a mere 16 year old.. But I am trying, a little too slowly perhaps, but I am..

I have been in transit all this time, between office and home. And somehow this constant movement of the cab has proven to be more settling  for my thoughts than a stagnant sit down approach would have been. I basically wanted to pen this all down somewhere before I took any steps towards a new beginning, where I am going to try and push my own boundaries for the first time, and allow myself to experiment with things I feel I might be decent at. So there!

Mumma.. I miss you. I miss your warmth. I miss being able to lie next to you, holding onto you, without having to explain myself. I miss your hands in my hair, your soothing words. Nobody can take your place or make my heart and mind feel calm the way you can. Just knowing you're next to me, talking to you, have you talk to me.. Laughing with you, joking with you, pulling your leg.. Fighting with you, crying when you shout at me.. Sharing my problems with you and Mona..

.. Who do I turn to, who can do for me what you could, without judging me, without forming any opinions about me. Neither you nor daddy.. No matter how you disapproved of some aspects of mine, your words never made me feel do despondent. I'm missing you guys so much. Staying away from you people is harder every time anything makes me realize how irreplaceable you guys are. I love you! I can't wait for the next time I come for a long long time.