EHHH...

so hard...SO hard.
to simply forget.
to just move on.
to pretend its not happening.
to pretend you don't care.
to show as if you never did.
to laugh and smile.
to be supportive and nice.

life isn't fair i was told. but THIS unfair, i never thought.

for once, even strong feelings fail to motivate me to write...it seems really hard to put them down in words today. probably because they are incoherent, confusing as hell and all jumbled up in my head? maybe? because am not even being able to sort through them, look at them in the usual matter of fact, no holds way? maybe again... this state of being is worse than being miserable. it

a) makes you feel sorry for yourself

b) leaves you stranded somewhere in the middle...its like you want to sneeze, but it just won't come!

c) a&b above make the situation damn irritating!

MANI MANI MANI MANI!!!

hmmm... where and how do i start this post? there is so much i could write, WOULD like to write..but the thing is, there are chances the person for whom this is intended, might get bored.Let's start from the beginning i guess!

FIRST DAY IN COLLEGE
Mansanjam comes and sits next to me and Sonali. "hey! whats up? you guys are from Delhi only or outstation kids? well, i am from chandigarh. what are your names?"
Then she turned around and started talking to the kids behind us. needless to say, i was kind of taken aback. because...
a) it was our first day in college and we didn't know anyone! and well... when u enter a class of about 120, the first reaction is a triple take...ala ekta kapoor soaps. then u just freeze and sit wherever u find place.
b) like i said, it WAS our first day and the seniors were most definitely lurking around, looking for JUST a chance to come and get started with us. naturally, when u are being hunted, you try and lower it a bit, not try and get as much attention as you can!
so, i turned to look at Sonali, expecting her to be as bewildered as i was...but she was a step ahead! she had her register opened and the next thing i know, she was asking our birthdays. and well... lets not get there now.
so that was my introduction to Mansanjam. our first meeting, though like she says, she doesn't remember it much. ah, yes, sad i know. but don't worry, i guess i will live. :P
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THE DAY AT CITY SQUARE MALL, RAJOURI (2006)
after our first meeting, my interaction with M'jam was minimal. i mean, we didn't hang around with the same people. not that we still do most of the time! but you know what i mean right? but yeah, she always seemed busy and flitting from one set of people to another. like she says herself now, that first year she probably hung around with anyone and everyone, trying to fit in with him, her, them...and well, somehow, i don't know exactly why or how, i formed an opinion that she was snooty, headstrong and snobbish. bah...i know your eyebrows are going to go up and you are going to ask me "But laddu! i was never like that with you!" i have no answer...probably just the people you were with at that time and the constant thing about how trashy everything in delhi was and how great chandigarh was, how dumb the delhi people were... ugh. dunno!
but then...we went to that mall! that stupid trip in that stupid heat did wonders! and well...Mansanjam Kaur became my Mani :D
eventhough we were cribbing about things the whole day, i think it is one of my most memorable days out because thats when i started to get to know you!
then we started hanging around a bit in the college..
the funny thing about that first year was, we had a completely different bunch of people, different preferences...and different everything. but we still used have those talks, that hanging out bit in the canteen, the satya niketan area, CCD...and that tree near the main entrance. lol.
and then...i took up CA
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AOC, CONNAUGHT PLACE
grrr...those pathetic sleepy tiring afternoons! those dusty classrooms, those sadistic teachers, those lapel mics that never worked, and that set of weird kids... ravish and his exaggeratedly gay take of things, that maroon haired eco teacher whose hair color matched the color of the suit he wore everyday for class...munching on those icky things while sitting in the class, pretending to be interested while actually busy looking around for the next packet...
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THIRD YEAR, LAST FEW MONTHS
CA, MBA exams done with, almost feels like we've achieved something big. Days spent in the lawns, sprawled all over. Or at some nearby food joint, or at a coffee shop, or some other random place. But somehow, didn't get much to see you around this time. A little, off and on...but mostly after exams ended. Busy chick that you were...flying off to places, busy with this and that :P
But then we always used to manage some time out atleast! :)
.................................................

To some three years is a very long time. For others, it flies by and they don't even realize when its all over...
These 3 years were like some of the best of my life. And you were a major reason for making them so. Those long talks, those telephonic gossip sessions, the sleepovers, the advisory sessions...all of them. Whenever i needed you, you were around. When i was feeling low, stuck in a dilemma, confused to bits...you were around to help me out. Even when i was not wanting to talk things over, you would insist that i talk and tell you, expressing your opinion like it was you who was going through the shit. When i felt like a stranger between everyone else, i thought of you as one who would be around and make it alright, cuz with you i would never be a stranger...
and i only hope i have been as good a friend to you as you have been to me... it means a lot when you tell me that i am one of the very few people from college whom you can open up with and talk about things with. There have been times where, unintentionally, i have made you feel like you are my last priority and that somehow everyone else mattered more and what not. But thats not true, and you know it. Funny, for 3 years, you and me we both felt the same way, but never told each other and it took one day of bowling towards the end of college to realize that! :)
I hate the fact that you're going away...whether to chandigarh or to hyderabad. But what i also know is its awesome for you and am so proud of the fact that you made it so far all on your own. You underestimate yourself and i hate it when you do. And i hope that no matter where you are or where i am, I'll always be there for you. :)

Love you MANI! :P


PS: sorry for the overdose of sentimental shit. but since it WAS your senti gift, i thought i just might write it all! ;-)