She..

She wants to cry, but the tears won't come out.
She wants to talk, but the words won't come out.
She is scared. Petrified. Nervous. Agitated.
It's happening again..
She is clamming up..
And this time, the stakes are higher than they have ever been..
What does she do?
It is paralyzing her it seems. Or something inside her. She can sense it, sense the cold existence of that black cloud. But it's still so intangible.
And yet, she can't seem to react. It's making her go hide behind the walls and look at everything from a detached third person perspective. She can't talk about it, she can't express herself. She hears, but she doesn't listen, she speaks before she can think.. she is so absent minded.
But it's there, it's always there.
And it's scaring her..
Where words fail her, her psyche is acting up. It affects what she says, what she thinks, what she doesn't think, how she simply keeps running away from things, how she pays attention to what is absolutely unnecessary just because it gives her that much more time to hide.
First time in ages that she is being able to use words to express it, and now that she has started, they are flowing, and just won't stop..
She sees all that she is doing, she can see herself wreck it all, sabotage her own life, everything that she has worked for...
But she feels incapable of doing anything about it...
Because she is so far away. Because everything seems to be happening to a third person.
She needs faith... an answer... Something to believe in... Something that gets through her, affects her, penetrates through this iron shield that her protective reflexes have erected around her, making her incapable of really feeling, perceiving, understanding...