Lone Ranger, Lone Miles...

As you walk that walk home,
Troubled by many a thorn;
Trudging on with a heavy heart,
Waiting for the sorrow to depart.

You meet strangers; some passersby,
They wave to you with a smile,
That beckons you on another mile;
Close you follow, on your heel
If required willing to kneel.

The hopes renewed, you follow on,
Looking, hoping for a hand to hold on.
They look at you and pat your head,
You're now our own, their eyes said.

With confidence you carry on,
Hope and optimism edging you on.
But then stumble over a cobbled stone,
Fall, then look up to find all gone.

Something has been reaffirmed today.. At the end of the day, it's just you for yourself. Everything else is a myth..

The Stranger Who Cried...

A few days ago, I was in Satya Niketan with Green Boy. It was a fantastic evening, and we had spent the afternoon together, post which we had come for our usual maggi and milk shake tuck in to one of our favorite spots.

As per our original plan, GB was to drop me back home. However, a meeting came up because of which he had to hurry back so he got me an auto instead. As usual the meter wasn't working, but the guy wasn't exactly trying to rob us, so they settled the fare, post which I got in.

The man asked me in a very polite soft spoken way as to where exactly I had to go in RG so I explained. And so we started from SN.

We had just started, when I heard a sniveling sound, that made me look into the rearview mirror. The  auto driver seemed to have tears in his eyes, but I couldn't be too sure due to the dark so I went back to texting on my phone. By this time we had hit the Ring Road, and were passing under the flyover.

Suddenly, the man said, "Kabhi kisi par bharosa nahi karna chahiye beta, kabhi, khaas taur pe agar wo tumhare apne hon.." Now, for all my social graces, I NEVER know how to behave in such circumstances. I was trying to figure out whether I should remain quiet, or ask him if something was amiss, if something was wrong with him. But before I could decide, he was repeating the same thing. "Kabhi kisi ko apna samajh kar unki madad na karna beta. Tumhari zaroorat ke samein, wohi log tumhe bhool jaate hain. Karo bhi to, kisi anjaan ki madad kar lo, magar apne khud ke logon ki madad na karna."

We were crossing the Dhaula Kuan stretch and were waiting at a signal. I happened to look in the mirror again, and this time there was no mistaking the tears. The man was definitely upset, and quite badly so. He was wiping them with his right hand, but there was no stopping them. And once he had started talking, there was no stopping him. It was like he had found the outlet he had been looking for. "Duniya bahaut buri hai beta, bahaut buri. Apna apna nahi hai. Uski madad karna theek nahi.." I was about to ask him what happened when he started again.. "Meri beti ka admission ho gaya hai Hindu College mein. Bas paise maang rahe hain. Aaj last date thi. Kisi tarha se unse kal tak ke liye baat ki hai.."

By this time we were on the Delhi Cantt road, and he had started driving fast. "Maine apne bhai ko 50,000 rupay diye the udhaar par. Socha bhai hai, use zaroorat hai. Jab chahiye honge usse le lunga. Aaj main usse paise waapis maange to usne dene se saaf manaa kar diya. Kehta hai mere paas kya saboot hai maine use paise diye hain. Koi kaagaz hai? Kisi ke saamne diye hain?" And we were cruising, literally talking to the wind. "Mera apna bhai beta. Aur meri beti. Itni mehnat ki hai usne. Itni umeed hai use mujh se. Kya kahunga?" We were at a signal again, and he was trying hard to control himself, when he got a call.. "Haan beta. Nahi beta, paise nahi mile. Chacha ne dene se mana kar diya. Kuch karta hun beta, tu ghabra mat. Kuch karunga. Ghar aakar sochta hoon. Tu chinta mat kar."  

Throughout the call, he somehow held himself. Soon as he kept the phone down, he was crying again."Meri beti ka phone tha. Pooch rahi thi. Kya bataunga main? Kaise karunga main?" And he was holding his forehead, running his hand through his hair, holding his forehead again..

We were at the Naraina flyover. And we were zipping across it. Flying. I love the speed usually, I love the wind rushing at me, but at that point it was all different. Some of his despair had rubbed off on me. I was feeling sorry for him, very sorry. But at the same time, it was a little scary. I was fully convinced that we were either going to collide with another bigger vehicle, OR the auto was going to slide down and turn over.. Proof? The fact that I was home in 15 mins by the watch. Yep. I had taken about one third of the time that it usually takes to get home. Heh

I don't know whether it is just me, or whether this is how everyone functions, but someone's misfortune touches you more deeply if the person otherwise seems to be nice, honest and well spoken. Even when it seems he just might accidentally kill you! I don't know if it was just what he had been telling me or what, but the fact that I couldn't do anything to make things better (even if not okay) was making me feel pathetic, like somehow I was cheating him as well. I didn't know what else to do, so I ended up paying him 30 bucks extra by refusing to take the change. Like that would have helped him! But well.. That action made me feel a little better as well as extremely silly at the same time.

The incident happened almost 2 weeks ago. And I often wondered about the man.. My thoughts varied between cynical (was he simply trying to dupe someone, if he could? Had the brother simply refused to give him a loan and not REPAY his own loan? How could his daughter get an admission MID TERM like this?) and sorry (Did his brother change his mind? Could he arrange the funds? How many others suffer like him?) and dramatic (hope he didn't try to commit suicide!)

And then, suddenly my questions (at least some) were answered today. I saw him again, standing with the other auto walas in the market area. He was talking to another auto wala, a sardar ji. Thankfully, that woeful look was gone.

For a moment I actually thought of going up to him and asking him if he recognized me, if his problem had been sorted. But then I put the idea away, dismissing it as hair brained.

But you know, more than anything else, I was amazed that I even saw him again. It happens very rarely, if ever, that I come across same strangers twice. Ah well.. Providence!

OoOoOoooOOOO

Ok... this is one of the 2 (and in all likelihood the ONLY) Himesh Reshammiyan songs that i really like, the other one being a song from the same movie.

There's this earthiness and intensity in the lyrics that gets to me, and that i absolutely love. And somehow, HR's singing adds to it. (Miracle of miracles, that! ;) )

Potpourri...

This post has been a while coming. I don't know why I haven't written for so long.. Maybe its because I've had a lot on my plate, maybe nothing noteworthy has happened that needed to be chronicled.. Or maybe I've just forgotten the art of stringing words together.. Even now I don't have anything specific to write about, just this wish to once again see my thoughts appear in words.. To sort them as I type them..

What's my current state of mind? I can't really understand. Its a thought potpourri.. And my emotions, a forest on fire. There's so much in my head, yet its so difficult to put it together coherently.. But I guess it would be safe to say that I'm kind of discontented with my lot. Because where I am right now, is nowhere close to where I'd like to be.. I want to be free, soar high, not be bound my limits or restrictions.. I want to see the world, and what all it has to offer me. I don't want to be tied down to things or people, with obligations and duties, with the dos and don'ts... I want to travel, try different cuisines, write, meet new people, work with people, FOR people..

The world is limitless and boundless.. it has so much to offer, to teach, to feel, to accommodate. So how can confining ourselves to our safe spots be justified? Doesn't it fill any of you with this unquenchable thirst to see, to experience, to feel, to learn?

I haven't lived my purpose in life yet.. I feel like I haven't done anything that I was meant to do, this far. Every day when I get up, this feeling of dissatisfaction niggles. Its not the people, its not my surroundings.. Its the role I'm being expected to play, forced to play, to fit within the set parameters that makes me restless. I am living in direct conflict of my very nature.. So how can I be completely truly satisfied? Is it any wonder that I feel so lost and out of my depth? If I wish to play by the rules, do what everyone expects out of me, I could.. But that would mean I'm denying my very nature, that in trying to be dutiful towards others, I'm being unfaithful to myself.. What then?


But, worry not. It's not all as grim as i just made it sound.. Work is erratic as usual, and soon i will be going on leave.. as usual. Exams are less than 2 months away and i haven't started doing much. Although this time, i am more determined to make progress than i have been for the longest time, to actually to my brains to use.

More than anything else, i have been a lot more grounded and at peace with my vagabond inner thoughts than i have been for the longest time, thanks to the GreenBoy.. poor bloke has a hard time of it though! :)


Aaaaaaaaand... how can i forget... it seems like the whole world and its mother is now aware of my relationship status, both sets of parents included. I am not sure whether the idea terrifies me or excites me more... Thankfully, after those constant initial discussions, things have sort of sunk in. For now.The next 2-3 months though, are going to be tough on both of us. Hopefully we will both get out with our sanity intact!

Closing Time

Ah we're drinking and we're dancing 

and the band is really happening 

and the Johnny Walker wisdom running high 

And my very sweet companion 

she's the Angel of Compassion 

she's rubbing half the world against her thigh 

And every drinker every dancer 

lifts a happy face to thank her 

the fiddler fiddles something so sublime 

all the women tear their blouses off 

and the men they dance on the polka-dots 

and it's partner found, it's partner lost 

and it's hell to pay when the fiddler stops: 

it's CLOSING TIME 

Yeah the women tear their blouses off 

and the men they dance on the polka-dots 

and it's partner found, it's partner lost 

and it's hell to pay when the fiddler stops: 

it's CLOSING TIME 

Ah we're lonely, we're romantic 

and the cider's laced with acid 

and the Holy Spirit's crying, "Where's the beef?" 

And the moon is swimming naked 

and the summer night is fragrant 

with a mighty expectation of relief 

So we struggle and we stagger 

down the snakes and up the ladder 

to the tower where the blessed hours chime 

and I swear it happened just like this: 

a sigh, a cry, a hungry kiss 

the Gates of Love they budged an inch 

I can't say much has happened since 

but CLOSING TIME 

I swear it happened just like this: 

a sigh, a cry, a hungry kiss 

the Gates of Love they budged an inch 

I can't say much has happened since 

CLOSING TIME 

I loved you for your beauty 

but that doesn't make a fool of me: 

you were in it for your beauty too 

and I loved you for your body 

there's a voice that sounds like God to me 

declaring, declaring, declaring that your body's really you 

And I loved you when our love was blessed 

and I love you now there's nothing left 

but sorrow and a sense of overtime 

and I missed you since the place got wrecked 

And I just don't care what happens next 

looks like freedom but it feels like death 

it's something in between, I guess 

it's CLOSING TIME 

Yeah I missed you since the place got wrecked 

By the winds of change and the weeds of sex 

looks like freedom but it feels like death 

it's something in between, I guess 

it's CLOSING TIME 

Yeah we're drinking and we're dancing 

but there's nothing really happening 

and the place is dead as Heaven on a Saturday night 

And my very close companion 

gets me fumbling gets me laughing 

she's a hundred but she's wearing 

something tight 

and I lift my glass to the Awful Truth 

which you can't reveal to the Ears of Youth 

except to say it isn't worth a dime 

And the whole damn place goes crazy twice 

and it's once for the devil and once for Christ 

but the Boss don't like these dizzy heights 

we're busted in the blinding lights, 

busted in the blinding lights 

of CLOSING TIME 

The whole damn place goes crazy twice 

and it's once for the devil and once for Christ 

but the Boss don't like these dizzy heights 

we're busted in the blinding lights, 

busted in the blinding lights 

of CLOSING TIME 

Oh the women tear their blouses off 

and the men they dance on the polka-dots 

It's CLOSING TIME 

And it's partner found, it's partner lost 

and it's hell to pay when the fiddler stops 

It's CLOSING TIME 

I swear it happened just like this: 

a sigh, a cry, a hungry kiss 

It's CLOSING TIME 

The Gates of Love they budged an inch 

I can't say much has happened since 

But CLOSING TIME 

I loved you when our love was blessed 

I love you now there's nothing left 

But CLOSING TIME 

I miss you since the place got wrecked 

By the winds of change and the weeds of sex.