What does one do when they feel absolutely alone even in a room bustling with people? Of course, not always, but on occasion? When it feels like no matter the love all around, in varied forms and degrees, you don't belong there? Infact, when you feel that you don't belong anywhere that you could fathom! That feeling of hopeless dejection, where there are so many around, but still you feel lost and vulnerable, and the smallest thing has the power to break your heart, and the others around you just don't see it? And it feels like it's not just one or two people who make you feel that way, but everyone? What, when you know that you don't fit any specific moulds that have been created for most people to fit into, to be accepted as per varying societal norms?
And I'm so afraid that this is how my life is always going to be.. I mean, what if I feel the same way when I'm married and living with my new family? If there are so many mutual issues with people who probably love me the most in the world, how will it be with those who don't even remotely know me? What will I do then? Who will I go to then? Will I always be confused? Will I always feel this alone?
How is it that though we give so much importance to love, love can't always be the only thing sufficient? It can't substitute understanding each other, it can't substitute the need to feel accepted just the way you are, without judgement, without preconceived notions.
How do you make people understand that when you love someone so dearly, and they love you back equally, it's still not enough till you completely and whole heartedly accept them the way they are, and not just for the present, but forever. I mean, would it be true love if the person I am with would accept me just as I am - nagging, bossy, opinionated, less than delicate, with no real professional achievements to boast of even at 26, or qualities to brag about, as a girlfriend and a lover, but expect me to change when it comes to marriage, to mould myself into the caricature of someone more 'suitable' with respect to the wants of all those around him? Wouldn't in that case it been better for him to have gone for a woman more suited to his requirement via the route of an arranged match? And in the case where all these scenarios were true, what would I have done with my life? Would I have resigned myself to my fate and agreed to everything that's expected out of me, or would I have agreed to most things with bad grace, but in the process become bitter and indifferent towards the one who professed to love me but wasn't strong enough to stand for me? Or, another scenario still, would I have walked out of such a relationship never to turn back again towards either him or his family or my own, who, to be honest, had never understood me any better than him?
I'd like to believe I would be courageous enough to choose the last alternative.. To walk away from all the toxin all around me, to breathe freely for the first time in my life and follow the dreams that I see now, and have seen for years? To FINALLY colour my future with my own palette of colours.
Now, before anyone starts making assumptions that this is the kind of relationship I'm currently in, I'd like to correct them..
A) I've recently read a few posts on this blog where men have treated women less than fairly which has made me think of these various grim scenarios, at least the parts applicable on me.
B) I'm with the most wonderful man its possible to find. I love him and trust him to the extent that when I am upset, it's only the thought of him, and the assurance that he's there that helps me hold myself together. And it's this very love and trust that scares me. I am scared of things ever changing, of ANY possible scenarios where this love, trust and faith on either end are compromised.
I often wonder who would I then run to, looking for shelter..
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