For the last four months (almost), my focus and efforts have been concentrated upon being a good wife, daughter in law, sister in law, and a daughter who's now living away from her parents, and learning to juggle all these new hats. It IS a considerable effort, let me say. It is a slow, tedious process, of acquainting and adjusting to new people, environment, relations and expectations. Managing the house, ensuring that it's a comfortable home to all those living in it, including me.

The first phase required me to adjust to the new ways your new relations live, how they like to have things done. Heh, even things which were once as simple as making a mug of tea have now had to be undone and redone. The second phase started when a month after our marriage, the in laws, who were pretty much in charge of things so far, had to leave for a couple of months and go to their hometown to settle some pending work. That suddenly put me in the driver's seat. A little bit of drama and incline was added to the whole process when the maid went on leave for a month, and i was in charge of everything, from cleaning up to cooking to maintaining stocks to managing the finances and interacting with various persons who are usually on the periphery, associated with running of the house. This phase was obviously also full of some other interesting happenings, like the two of us getting to spend some lone time (of course, subject to my husband's availability from his work, which is his first love i feel!), and the freedom that comes with the responsibility of doing things on your own, and the empowerment it gives you, being the one who runs the show. The third phase kicked in after two months, when we got the news that in laws were coming back. Good as that news was, because we had all missed them, it also filled me with some concern and very justified apprehension.. after having been the primary decision maker for two out of three months of married life, just when i felt i had begun to get used to running things my way, i would have to re align and re adjust. And not just that, the other concern was, what if the in laws didn't like the way i had been running things, the little tiny subtle changes i had made in and around the house? Well, as luck would have it, they arrived, and saw the changes, but didn't have any objections to them. Nor have they really had any problem with my way of doing things, at least so far! We are back to how things were before they left, and hopefully things have settled down now, with a few differences here and there, a major one being my increased role in the way things are done around the house.

And now that all that has been done with, i think it's time for the fourth phase to kick in: focus on myself again. I need to start focusing on things that i want now, things that are important to me. Enough of idling around, of simply running around to have things in order and keep them that way. I now need to prioritize myself, and not because someone else might expect me to do it, but for my own sake. Because sooner than later, the usual restlessness at the monotony of things will kick in, and i won't have anyone to blame but myself for having missed opportunities that were willing to knock on my door had i allowed them to. And i don't wish for any more regrets in life than the ones i have already done. So yeah, phase four kicking in NOW. 

A search for an old mail brought me across some of my oldest gmail chats with a very dear friend who has now become distant for the last 2-3 years. A natural process, i am sure. Especially in our case, where i came across him at the age of 16, and have never met him once. Strange, nay? Stranger still, (now that i think about it), was the fact that he is 11 years older than me, but for the longest time i was more comfortable talking to him about almost anything in this world, than any of my other supposedly closer friends. I suppose that's why they used to be fond of having pen friends in the past. Creepy as it might be, it's freeing.

i sat for the last 30 minutes, reading our old conversations.. conversations about our daily lives, our trivial daily problems, issues. The college, job stress. Boy-cant-find-girl and girl-kind-find-a-boy problems, heartaches. Silly jokes, stupid sarcasm. And this complete lack of inhibition.. I mean, what could be a bigger testimony to our friendship but the fact that he knew/remembered my various friends from school, college, CA and beyond, and so did i? In my case, i actually became friends with (and still occasionally catch up with) some of them. It's bizarre how somebody becomes a part of your life, attached to you, without making any demands on you. And i guess those are the ones you remember long after, even when those people's importance in your lives doesn't remain the same any longer..

i miss him. I miss our pointless, random conversations, wherein we could have been colleagues sitting across each other at the workstation, and sharing small tidbits of the things as usual. I miss not having to always make a point, to be answerable to somoene when i wish to walk away from a pointless conversation, to always sit and think and analyze the impact of my spoken words on the person across me. i miss that freedom where i connected with someone on almost a daily basis for around 7-8 years, even when we didn't have much to say to each other.

But more than that, more than anything else, i miss myself from that time, where i was self contained, practical, level headed and unperturbed by what the world expected of me. Or, to be fair, where i felt that living upto those expectations was the easiest thing in the world to do. Where distractions, social and societal obligations meant shit to me. I miss the me who never felt obligated to put an '!' after every sentence written, or using emoticons in the hope they might convey an emotion that i may or may not even feel. i miss small things about me.. being a doer instead of a yawner, being driven and ambitious, being on top of my game.. and not giving a flying fuck about the rest of the world..

SOMETHING ABOUT LIFE..

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you, no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain't gonna have a life."

Sylvester Stallone, Rocky Balboa

This world is a funny place indeed. Or maybe the inhabitants make it so?
Always looking for kinks and chinks in your armour, that one small thing that can undo you. Forbearance just can't be accepted. It's all about mind play and gaining that upper hand. That satisfaction of saying in one's mind, "Ha! Gotcha!" on discovering your weakness, and using that discovery wherever required to step over you, hold you back.. To keep you in line, to keep you behind 'self', to to keep you in check, to keep their control. Parents, lovers, siblings, teachers, competitors, bosses, society.. They all do it. To you, to me, to him, to her.

And then they wonder.. why doesn't he open up, why doesn't he share their pain. Are we not his own? Who else would do it but us?

OH, THE WISDOM OF CUSTOMS!

When it comes to Indian weddings, odd traditions and rituals are not an unheard or unexpected thing. You try and prepare yourself for the weirdest, but certain things when they come to your knowledge, still manage to leave you dumbfounded. One such thing is an experience that I heard of for the first time from a cousin who got married a few years back, and went through, and which (let me be very clear in stating) I didn't remotely like.. And that is this odd ritual of a sister in law being allowed to pick up and keep any of the many sarees/garments that come in your troeussuee. The poor girl had QUITE a few SILs, who somehow ended up picking all her carefully selected, colourful pieces, and left the drabbest of the lot for her!

Yep, apparently they have the liberty to just put their hand into the suitcase, and pick up whatever they like. The fact that each of those garments has been carefully and tastefully selected by you for yourself, that you might hate to part with it, that it might have cost a bomb are apparently of no consequence whatsoever. You're supposed to just open the bag, and stand in a corner allowing them to sift through the precious things and take whatever they fancy!
Now I'm a very understanding person usually, and have surprising patience and forbearance when it comes to many of these odd traditions. But there happen to be certain things that make my head swirl at the very thought, confusing me as to what I'd like to do more.. a) put my two cents worth of wisdom across the table and try to at least discourage the lameness and stupidity I see, or b) keep quiet and simply ridicule the whole thing in my own head. This is one of those things. I'm amused and unimpressed with this whole nonsense in equal measure for many reasons, some of which are stated below:

1. You and your parents put in a lot of effort in picking every individual item lovingly, smiling and discussing each and every thing that you pick. Why does someone have the right to take it without your permission?!

2. Selecting your troeussuee is one time where you don't budget much, going for the beauty over the value. each and every piece that goes in is usually expensive,  that money being spent by your parents lovingly on YOU. How can anyone else put their claim over it?!

3. There are times when  there's a reasonable enough explanation to the most bizarre of customs, which, when explained, you can at least wrap your head around. If there's any sense around, things would be the other way round, where the new member of the family was welcomed with gifts by members of the family on entering the house. What sense can THIS one make?!

4. The new entrant of the house is supposed to open up her bags, and her stuff (and hence her heart maybe??)  to the daughters of the house.. But why isn't there a return obligation for the daughters to do the same for her? Would they be willing to let her pick absolutely anything from their precious sartorial collection and trinkets, and shower some lowwwve in return?!

5. There are so many gifts, things etc already being given to each and every member of the family.. What's the NEED for this in that scenario?!

6. Even if you absolutely have to, why can't you simply pick up stuff yourself (big enough gesture if you ask me), and give it.. Why the random selection?!

I don't understand what kind of "love all" emotion does this promote? If anything, I think it just leads to grudges on the very first day! It's so ridiculous, even the idea makes me scoff!

Ah well.. To each his/her own! If those involved dont complain, then who am I to!

DISCLAIMER - let me clearly state that I'm aware that this doesn't happen everywhere, including my own family! It's by no means a generalization. This is just a not so subtle opinion piece on the oddity of things, completely based on the story told to me by a particular person. Thoughts and opinions here are entirely my own, and you're more than welcome to disagree.

My father's daughter..

Things don't ever make as much sense as they do in the shower. And some riddles that are there in your head for aeons take a few seconds to suddenly make sense, although even the solution doesn't make life any easier to be honest.

My mother and my sister are constantly telling me how alike my father and I are.. In habits, in tastes, in our walk, in our talk, in our gestures, and even our sleep patterns! Is it any wonder that some of the struggles I'm facing right now (and have for a while) are the same as his? The pain I'm going through right now is exactly the same as he went through when he was my age, the difficulties the same. How do I know? He's described it to me, tried to warn me against it, encouraged me to take action before it came to this. But I guess it was inevitable. To realize the value of a few things (not the least of them being time and value of perseverance alongside intelligence), I think it was predestined that I go through this.. To discover myself, what I want (still figuring THAT one out!), and what I don't want. To learn the art of patience and temperance. To go through the breakdowns to achieve the level of supposed invincibility.

Anyway.. I digress, getting carried away by the power of the written word.

The point is, I just realized that I can do it, it can happen for me as well. And the 'can' will change into 'will' only when I throw the negativity out. And how can that be impossible? Our lucks are probably designed the same way.. I'm my father's daughter after all.

Calm.. Why do you have to always be calm. Why can't you roar when you're angry,  or cry when you're hurting. Or throw things, break things when you're raging within? Why is it that even in an outpouring of such tumultuous emotions you've got to watch what you say or do, paying more heed to how it might hurt others than to that dire need to vent?

I don't know.. Maybe it's because it's the things or people that you love the most, that make you this angry, or have that power to hurt you. Maybe it's what they say or think that affects you the most. And those are the very things or people that you wish to protect, even as you battle the urge to hurt them.

I'm scared of ever unleashing the full fury of my anger on anyone. There's nobody I know who I feel is strong enough to withstand it, to not get burnt. I guess that's the reason why most of such times I'm alone by myself, where the only who has to bear the brunt of it all is me, or my own things. And when I can't be myself in my anger, when I can't allow myself that luxury of self destruction before being reborn, I wish to escape, to run away.. Leave behind all that's causing the unbearable pain. Heh. These are the times when I think I'm glad I don't own a car. Else who knows where I would be now..

Aakash ka soonapan, mere tanha mann mein..

What does one do when they feel absolutely alone even in a room bustling with people? Of course, not always, but on occasion? When it feels like no matter the love all around, in varied forms and degrees, you don't belong there? Infact, when you feel that you don't belong anywhere that you could fathom! That feeling of hopeless dejection, where there are so many around, but still you feel lost and vulnerable, and the smallest thing has the power to break your heart, and the others around you just don't see it? And it feels like it's not just one or two people who make you feel that way, but everyone? What, when you know that you don't fit any specific moulds that have been created for most people to fit into, to be accepted as per varying societal norms?

And I'm so afraid that this is how my life is always going to be.. I mean, what if I feel the same way when I'm married and living with my new family? If there are so many mutual issues with people who probably love me the most in the world, how will it be with those who don't even remotely know me? What will I do then? Who will I go to then? Will I always be confused? Will I always feel this alone?

How is it that though we give so much importance to love, love can't always be the only thing sufficient? It can't substitute understanding each other, it can't substitute the need to feel accepted just the way you are, without judgement, without preconceived notions.

How do you make people understand that when you love someone so dearly, and they love you back equally, it's still not enough till you completely and whole heartedly accept them the way they are, and not just  for the present, but forever. I mean, would it be true love if the person I am with would accept me just as I am - nagging, bossy, opinionated, less than delicate, with no real professional achievements to boast of even at 26, or qualities to brag about, as a girlfriend and a lover, but expect me to change when it comes to marriage, to mould myself into the caricature of someone more 'suitable' with respect to the wants of all those around him? Wouldn't in that case it been better for him to have gone for a woman more suited to his requirement via the route of an arranged match? And in the case where all these scenarios were true, what would I have done with my life? Would I have resigned myself to my fate and agreed to everything that's expected out of me, or would I have agreed to most things with bad grace, but in the process become bitter and indifferent towards the one who professed to love me but wasn't strong enough to stand for me? Or, another scenario still, would I have walked out of such a relationship  never to turn back again towards either him or his family or my own, who, to be honest, had never understood me any better than him?
I'd like to believe I would be courageous enough to choose the last alternative.. To walk away from all the toxin all around me, to breathe freely for the first time in my life and follow the dreams that I see now, and have seen for years? To FINALLY colour my future with my own palette of colours.

Now, before anyone starts making assumptions that this is the kind of relationship I'm currently in, I'd like to correct them..
A) I've recently read a few posts on this blog where men have treated women less than fairly which has made me think of these various grim scenarios, at least the parts applicable on me.
B) I'm with the most wonderful man its possible to find. I love him and trust him to the extent that when I am upset, it's only the thought of him, and the assurance that he's there that helps me hold myself together. And it's this very love and trust that scares me. I am scared of things ever changing, of ANY possible scenarios where this love, trust and faith on either end are compromised.

I often wonder who would I then run to, looking for shelter..

Just sinking in.. The fiancé has already been asked to join us for two of the upcoming typical Mathur occasions. That's obviously besides the fact that he's now a regular at my own home on almost every occasion. While my cousins have merely restricted it to calling him 'charming', one of my uncles actually said that if he was a woman, he would totally marry him. What is this world coming to?! Same time this year we wondering what would it be, how would things turn out. Now we know.. He has invaded the Mathur turf, and is slowly taking over..

... Am not sure I mind much though. :)

SALVATION

... And in the end, we all are nothing but lost souls looking for different meanings at various points of life to, to find our salvation. Funny how, subconsciously, we always look for it outside though, never truly satisfied with what we see within. Funnier still how when we consciously look outside we look for something that makes us feel better about ourselves inside!