Thursday, June 30, 2011

i wonder...

the dream. recurring...
the sleep. uneasy...
the terror. gripping...
the escape. elusive...
the psyche. permeable...

self overpowering Self? i wonder...

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

what do you do when your mind is in a constant state of flux? that constant state of upheavel? you know that something is wrong, you know exactly what is wrong, but still.. you do not wish to admit it to yourself. you hate to admit it to yourself. because it is in direct conflict with everything you hold good.. your brain is scattered, your thoughts fragmented and's like they are colluding with each other, trying to trick you into that state of absolute pandemonium. for pandemonium is what it all is. convince yourself you can deal with it.. but for how long? how often? it is but temporary.

100 thoughts rush through your head, at the speed of lightening. they leave you so confused and petrified, you can't help but look for answers towards others. whether they understand your situation or not. a part of you probably knows they won't, knows it's all fruitless. but still, you will go ahead with it, simply because that hope is your only refuge. disappointed you may well be when it doesn't come to pass. but probably not surprised. maybe that feeling of hopelessness just worsens that much, but then again you learn to live with it. or pretty much HAVE learnt by now.

but you know whats worse than any of it? that scary feeling of settling into this state of hopelessness, of accepting whatever this is, whatever has come your way. the idea of THAT, now, is terrifying.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Lol. Sometimes i forget. Parthojeet has an answer to everything!
Where i am busy being a complete cuckoo, he looks at how this is not going to be of any help in what i want from life. That there are things beyond the obvious which need my attention, and which i can't afford to ignore because of my silliness. Ah well PJ...i hate you.

PS- i need to get a new journal. NOW! this is getting pathetic, this overdose of blogging. yeesh lord...
It was quite special . The sketch's likeness quite close, if not perfect. Rusty she was, and an amateur. The words, what it all had meant to her. The only way she knew of expressing. But  perhaps valueless in those hooded eyes. For her, the doors were locked, stated reasons plenty. No response deemed necessary. Then again, she had no right of any kind anyway.

 Ah well..she thought, as she dropped the match on the shreds, and watched them burst into flames. Then the tears came, a flood of pent up anger and emotions at the unfairness of it all. They raked her body, making her choke. Her vision started to swim. Things became hazy.

And suddenly the scene dissolved. She had woken up from the dream.
..And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly, sing your melody
I'll sing along

Monday, June 27, 2011


in a very zen state of mind. very much at peace. which is odd, considering how things are all around. but just decided it was time to slow down the pace. what is the need hurry for anything indeed? time also helps you look at things in a more practical, detached way. one moment it all seems so big and awful. the other, the moment you take in the realities and look at the complete picture, you sort of end up detaching yourself from it. this surreal feeling envelopes you, makes you objective. so much, you could almost say it was happening to a third person.

guess you could call it a retreat of sorts. its back to the basics... books and music. two companions which never let you feel alone... or lonely. for they're never the same thing, those 2 words, right? some people could be let in as well, the lucky sods.. :) but it depends on the mood.

somehow easier to be with and around a stranger, strike conversation with them than people who are actually close. need to keep things simple and general. social is good, personal isn't.

talking of social... bumped into someone today. pretty interesting, that little encounter. ah well...another time, another tale.

for now, it's them books and music.

PS- the only materialistic thing that affects yours truly right now, is the debit card she got today...and the new check book. first own plastic card! NO daddy's add on! money money money money... she's so funny! :)
what a stupid lame day. kill me PLEASE! :'|

what lies beneath it all...

a line i read in a book while on my way to work today.. a simple phrase that keeps echoing in my head now... the beginning to most of the commandments..


(I've Had) The Time of My Life

For the love of Patrick Swayze! :)

Now I've had the time of my life
No I never felt like this before
Yes I swear it's the truth
and I owe it all to you
'Cause I've had the time of my life
and I owe it all to you

I've been waiting for so long
Now I've finally found someone
To stand by me
We saw the writing on the wall
As we felt this magical

Now with passion in our eyes
There's no way we could disguise it
So we take each other's hand
'Cause we seem to understand
The urgency just remember

You're the one thing
I can't get enough of
So I'll tell you somethingThis could be love because

I've had the time of my life
No I never felt this way before
Yes I swear it's the truth
And I owe it all to you

With my body and soul
I want you more than you'll ever know
So we'll just let it go
Don't be afraid to lose control
Yes I know whats on your mind
When you say "Stay with me
tonight." Just remember

You're the one thing
I can't get enough of
So I'll tell you something
This could be love because

I've had the time of my life
No I never felt this way before
Yes I swear it's the truth
And I owe it all to you

'Cause I had the time of my life
And I've searched through every open door
Till I've found the truth
and I owe it all to you

I've had the time of my life
No I never felt this way before
Yes I swear it's the truth
And I owe it all to you

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Eric's Song

Strange how you know inside me
I measure the time and I stand amazed
Strange how I know inside you
My hand is outstretched toward the damp of the haze

And of course I forgive
I've seen how you live
Like a phoenix you rise from the ashes
You pick up the pieces
And the ghosts in the attic
They never quite leave
And of course I forgive
You've seen how I live
I've got darkness and fears to appease
My voices and analogies
Ambitions like ribbons
Worn bright on my sleeve

Strange how we know each other

Strange how I fit into you
There's a distance erased with the greatest of ease
Strange how you fit into me
A gentle warmth filling the deepest of needs

And with each passing day
The stories we say
Draw us tighter into our addiction
Confirm our conviction
That some kind of miracle
Passed on our heads
And how I am sure
Like never before
Of my reasons for defying reason
Embracing the seasons
We dance through the colors
Both followed and led

Strange how we fit each other

Strange how certain the journey
Time unfolds the petals
For our eyes to see
Strange how this journey's hurting
In ways we accept as part of fate's decree

So we just hold on fast
Acknowledge the past
As lessons exquisitely crafted
Painstakingly drafted
To carve us as instruments
That play the music of life
For we don't realize
Our faith in the prize
Unless it's been somehow elusive
How swiftly we choose it
The sacred simplicity
Of you at my side 


this one is a song about new beginnings. about letting go of what held you down, and moving ahead, making a fresh start. a friend made me listen to it a coupla months back. her opinion- i would immediately take to it. and well, she couldn't have been more right. has become quite a favorite since then... but gives me goosebumps every time i hear it. the voice, the lyrics, the music... all of it.

Seems that I have been held, in some dreaming state
A tourist in the waking world, never quite awake
No kiss, no gentle word could wake me from this slumber
Until I realise that it was you who held me under

Felt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids
Shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack
All around the world was waking, I never could go back
Cos all the walls of dreaming, they were torn right open
And finally it seemed that the spell was broken

And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open
And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

Snow White's stitching up the circuitboards
Synapse slipping through the hidden door
Snow White's stitching up the circuitboard

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

Snow White's stitching up the circuitboards
Synapse slipping through the hidden door
Snow White's stitching up the circuitboard
Synapse slipping through the hidden door 

Friday, June 24, 2011

18 and Life

 Ricky was a young boy, He had a heart of stone.
Lived 9 to 5 and worked his fingers to the bone.
Just barely got out of school, came from the edge of town.
Fought like a switchblade so no one could take him down.
He had no money, oooh no good at home.
He walked the streets a soldier and he fought the world alone
And now it's

18 and life You got it
18 and life you know
Your crime is time and it's
18 and life to go

Tequila in his heartbeat, His veins burned gasoline.
It kept his motor running but it never kept him clean.
They say he loved adventure, "Ricky's the wild one."
He married trouble and had a courtship with a gun.
Bang Bang Shoot 'em up, The party never ends.
You can't think of dying when the bottle's your best friend 
And now it's

18 and life You got it
18 and life you know
Your crime is time and it's 
18 and life to go

"Accidents will happen" they all heard Ricky say 
He fired his six-shot to the wind that blew a child away.

18 and life You got it
18 and life you know
Your crime is time and it's
18 and life to go

just one of those days...

want a lot of noise around right now...loud, disturbing, constant din. something which won't let you concentrate or think. something that drowns out the voices and the monologue going on in the head...

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

grrr! am soo mad at you! and i refuse to try put it right. REFUSE! Geeko! you're SUCH a cad sometimes. i HATE you right now! :|

Monday, June 20, 2011

BACK! IN DELHI! Rejoice, you common lucky people, you! i KNOW missed me the last one week! haw haw.

on a serious note, that one week vacation was brilliant. and well, had the right bit of turbulence too, to make it more real. ha. details later. just back from work and late for dinner already! details and some pics right up in a bit! :)

Saturday, June 11, 2011

life. happens...

realized something a coupla hours back. it doesn't matter anymore. and it's stupid to hold onto it. the anger, the sense of being let down...done away with. complete and utter indifference is the only way to describe it. more or less like a stranger on the street. the sudden appearance or disappearance is hardly to have any impact. ofcourse going back to how it was is impossible.. something basic, very close to trust and belief in the bond, is dead. that old friendship and bond is gone forever. but a stranger's courtesy can be allowed, nay?

there's a feeling of complete and utter calm that surrounds pretty much everything. all the agitation and restlessness of the mind... what's the purpose of it? does it assuage the emptiness? fill in the gaping holes? bring about drastic changes? no... simply makes them more prominent.
and what's the use of any of it anyway? at the end of the day it's all about the cards that are dealt, and how they are played.
so, is this the anti social phase that's setting in again? not quite.. it's just reality and life leaving an indelible mark on an idealist. reshaping certain ideas and beliefs that were once gospel truth.

but then again...that's life, hey? life happens. learn, live. live, learn. and that's how it goes...

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

remembering you...

[a poem my mother wrote for my nani...
i am sorry mumma, i remember so little of her. i wish i could remember her more. i wish i could have spent more time with her. i wish i could recollect more than just her big red bindi and her quiet calm demeanor and the way in which she always took my side when none of you would. i am sorry i was so aloof and lost in my own world. i wish i had spent more time with her. i wish i had deserved to be her favorite, the way i know i was. 
i love you nani... and i am so sorry i didn't know you better... ]

You gave me life 
you brought me in this world
you gave me everything
and all your love.

You cherished and nourished me
and taught me to walk
watched with tearful eyes
my first tiny trot.

Your love was like a fountain
which never could cease
your loving touch would always 
all my woes and sorrows ease.

You like an angel always stood by me
and i was so unfortunate that could not see
the growing pain and vaccum in your heart
which gradually and silently tore your life apart.

Oh!the agony of seeing you so helpless and frail
the vacant look in your eyes, the misery and pain
feeling lonely and lost amongst your loved ones
like a ship tossing in sea without an anchor.

Yet the chord that tied us in your womb was so strong
you recognised only me in this alien throng.
Now that you are gone , gone so far away
i feel the void that cant be filled in any way.
When i seek your shoulder and loving touch 
to share my joys and ease my pain
my hand stretches out but returns in vain.
just one case, one example...all that was required to restore the faith. and it did. its not all a farce after all. all it requires is a LOT of patience and belief.

there are no miracles apparently... everything needs work. always. EVERYTHING.
you plant the wait for them to germinate.. you water them daily, but shield them from destructive rains and storms.. you put them in the sun, but protect them from the heat.. you let them grow, but keep weeding them and trimming them..
and it's an ongoing process. even when the seeds have turned into plants and bear flowers. leave them to fend for themselves and they will wilt. slowly...sometimes so slowly that you don't even realize till one fine day you actually notice the yellow dried up leaves, the dying stems...

and well...once that plant is dead, and you know it can't be revived, it is foolhardy to attempt it.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

the tower

[my current favorite with 2 videos that compliment it the best... watch either, or both, as you like. ]

the one who survives by making the lives
of others worthwhile
she's coming apart
right before my eyes
the one who depends on the services she renders
to those who come knocking
she's seeing too clearly what she can't be
what understanding defies

she says I need not to need
or else a love with intuition
someone who reaches out to my weakness and won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
but now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow

she turns out the light anticipating night falling
tenderly around her
and watches the dusk
the words won't come
she carries the act so convincingly the fact is
sometimes she believes it
that she can be happy the way things are
be happy with the things she's done

reach out
but hold back
where is safety
reach out
and hold back
where is the one who can change me
where is the one
the one
the one

reach out
but hold back
where is safety
reach out
and hold back
where is the one who can save me
where is the one
the one
the one

Sunday, June 5, 2011

her musings

What a girl. So sorted in her head, so confident, so decisive and sure. Knows so clearly what she wants in life and also how to go about it. Oh, look at yourself! Learn something from her. See how focused she is about her career? Saw the marks she got in her Board exams? How well she did in her college? And she is doing CA too! How aptly she multitasks, does so many things and does all of them so well too!

Yeah right. Bet their eyes would shine with malicious pleasure to see how she tries but doesn’t come close to this image that people have created of her somehow. How does she explain to them that they have it all wrong. That how unsure she is of what she has decided to pursue, how she is adamant to go on with it ONLY because her pride won’t allow her to give it up now that she is in the middle of it all. How lost she sometimes feels. That for all her calmness and composure, she would love to sometimes let someone else take control of things. To just be able to rest, not think. To trust and take someone for granted.

She wonders about a lot of things. Wonders about how it must feel to live her life each day sans planning, to simply get up in the morning, NOT having talked till the wee hours and slept only for a couple of hours, feeling guilty about not yet having finished what she was supposed to have done about 5 days ago.

She wonders how it must be, to be living on her own, in her own small pad… getting up when she likes, simply sitting and doling about. Living as she wishes, coming and going when she likes. NOT having to answer to people every hour as to where she is, whether she is ok, when will she be coming back. None of that.

She wonders too, how must it be, to take off for an impulsive vacation to an undecided location for days, simply looking into the local ways of life, absorbing them, meeting the people living there. Ladakh, Kashmir, Afghanistan. 

Charleston- are the relics of the civil war, the scars left by Sherman’s army still there? Do the bells of St. Cecilia chime still? The boreens of Ireland, the barrier reef in Australia, the streets of Naples, the bullfights in Spain, the wilds of Africa, maybe the Kruger National Park in Mozambique, the Amish villages of the Israeli settlements in America.
There is so much she would LOVE to do. Love to see. Not just visiting these places as a tourist, but becoming a part of the milieu for a while. Then moving on. How do the deserts look in reality? do the sand dunes actually shift when a storm blows, are the glaciers in Antarctica actually so many hundreds of feet deep that you would forget you are on a moving mass of ice and not solid ground? Oh yes, these are silly questions. Questions which any primary school kid’s books answer as well as Discovery or NatGeo.

Ah. If only wishes were horses right now, she would own a stud farm!

She would also like to know what’s all this hullabaloo about being a part of the night brigade, going pub hopping, coming home drunk and disemboweled, totally disgusted with one’s self but still willing to go through the same jazz the next week. Oh come on, one time tries are great. She knows she isn’t ever likely to fall for this but hell, an experience is an experience.

She would simply like to sit in her room, doing her own thing, without being told off for wasting time and being given a lecture on time management. Yeesh.

Maybe then she might feel her now-considerably-considerable time on this planet hasn’t been wasted. Maybe it might somehow help kill a certain amount of that suffocating feeling, the restlessness, the dissatisfaction that seems to be growing at a reckless speed at the moment… .

Saturday, June 4, 2011

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live,
...remember that Harry."

i hate you

for the first time, i know what it feels like to hate someone with all that you're worth..
to want to hurt someone really really bad.
i might not do anything, but boy will i be cheering your fall, whenever it happens.
and you bet it's gonna happen. because i know it will. and i want it to. so much.
no one deserves it more than you.
i never knew anyone could make me feel this way.
now i do, thanks to you.
i hope you suffer, and hard.
cuz that is th only salve..
know what makes it worse?
the fact that i had to realize i was capable of this, thanks to YOU...


you say I only hear what I want to.
you say I talk so all the time so.

and I thought what I felt was simple,
and I thought that I don't belong,
and now that I am leaving,
now I know that I did something wrong 'cause I missed you.
yeah, I missed you.

and you say I only hear what I want to:
I don't listen hard,
I don't pay attention to the distance that you're running
or to anyone, anywhere,
I don't understand if you really care,
I'm only hearing negative: no, no, no.

so I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up,
and this woman was singing my song:
the lover's in love, and the other's run away,
the lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay.

some of us hover when we weep for the other who was
dying since the day they were born.
well, this is not that:
I think that I'm throwing, but I'm thrown.

and I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure.

you try to tell me that I'm clever,
but that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you.

you said that I was naive,
and I thought that I was strong.
I thought, "hey, I can leave, I can leave."
but now I know that I was wrong, 'cause I missed you.

you said, "You caught me 'cause you want me and one day you'll let me go."
"you try to give away a keeper, or keep me 'cause you know you're just so scared to lose.
and you say, "stay."

you say I only hear what I want to. 

Thursday, June 2, 2011


took a bus back home. window seat. i kinda liked it. some distance on, a middle aged man came and sat next to me. gave me a nasty look before he sat down next to me. couldn't figure out why. five minutes later i felt him fidgeting next to me. noticed his hands twitching. of their own accord. looked at him closely for the first time. had a kind of a blank expression on his face. naive. like someone who can't quite understand things perfectly but tries to, with extreme concentration. he noticed me typing on the phone and listening to music. took his own phone out and started fiddling around with it. my heart went out to him for some reason. wanted to assure him for some reason, that i wasn't judging him, looking down at him from the top of my nose. but couldn't understand what to do.

then he started digging his nose with both his hands. technically, both his index fingers. going quite QUITE deep. simultaneously. totally killed that noble desire then and there. couldn't help scrunching my nose a couple of times.

i love it when Providence plays with me and makes a joke of my supremely complacent noble self. keeps me grounded i swear to you.

PS- i do hope that those who read this post understand that i'm making fun of myself and not the gentleman in question.


i am flooded with work. so much, that i have no time for blogging, forget putting up random posts during office hours. you see, i am busy. sigh. unlike yesterday, when i had absolutely nothing to do..


ooh...and i am never sarcastic. NEVER.