WHAT WOMEN WANT

For the past few days, a number of my friends have been having problems in the 'girls department'-- why did she leave me? what are they looking for in a guy? how do i ask a girl out? what do you look for in a guy? and the like...



They seem to think that one person's tastes and preferences, thinking etc is somehow applicable on the whole race. I don't know what is it that attracts ALL females towards a guy per se, or what keeps that attraction there. So here is an attempt. Any more questions and i send you right on this page ;)

One thing i have noticed, atleast among my friends and those around me, is that a girl doesn't go for a guy simply for his looks. Sure, they would like their men to be decent looking, tall, lean, strong and what not. But thats merely an add on, not a prerequisite. And fair guys, especially those fairer than the girl are a usual no. Sorry, but atleast in most cases. They usually believe that a man's looks and brains don't usually go together.  If a man looks good, generally either he won't know how to talk, or be gay. And unfortunately, most use it as a thumb rule which hasn't been proved wrong. MOSTLY.

Personally i feel an ordinarily decent looking guy is a lot better than a perfectly chiselled greek god. Why? Because sooner or later the charm wears off and you are looking for a way out. Whereas, with a normal regular guy it is sort of the opposite. Reasons:
a) when you are attracted, you know for a fact that its not just the looks and that you "appreciate them for who they are"
b)you notice smaller details about them over time as they grow on you.

Besides this, he ought to be able to understand you without you having to put everything into words, without feeling that you need to justify your actions. You should be able to feel secure about the fact that somewhere down the line his insecurities, ego and competitiveness are not going to come forward and wreck it all. Silences shouldn't be awkward and filled with a need to out in words to avoid them.You should be... i don't know... able to feel ok just sitting around each other simply doing your own thing without grudging each other that. And yes, please don't expect her to always do all the understanding. Being the female, she is expected to understand the situation, understand HER emotion and YOURS as well. Then, she is expected to accommodate hers in a way which would spare your ego any sort of pain. AND THEN expected to forget all about it. NOT fair.
Yes, a guy should be protective, assertive, possessive and willing to play Lochniver for his damsel. All fairy tales teach us that. But what is EQUALLY important is not to get overprotective, aggressive, obsessive OR unnecessarily take up our fights for us. That is i guess what differentiates chivalry from chauvinism.It is a great feeling to know you can depend upon someone for their support irrespective of the magnitude of the problem.

The biggest thing however, is DON'T try to cover up your weaknesses with false bravado and machismo. Trust me, we might be credited with a pea sized brain but even through that we are able to see through the facade mostly. And WHEN that happens it makes everything about you seem like one big illusion- the good points fade, the bad ones get highlighted. So yeah, stick with facts. But that doesn't mean you whine about them. Simply let them be what they are-- facts about you.

And here, i end my monologue. Comments are welcome. :)

PS: this whole post is based on what i've observed or seen around me-- the likes, preferences and dislikes. On reading through, the portrait conjured seems to be a tough one to live upto. In case you do, FIND A GIRL WORTHY OF YOU! ;)

US and us

"Post attacks, Bush sends Rice to India", reads the headlines of one of the articles in a daily today. The reason for the visit-- but obviously the Mumbai siege.It is to 'show US's solidarity with the people of India and hold the extremists responsible', as more commonly being propogated. However, a bigger and more valid reason is the loss of American lives that has spurred it into action, as against its usual stand of distancing itself from the multiple terrorist attacks that India has suffered over the years.

Moreover, the recent chill in Indo-Pak ties after the Mumbai carnage and its possible repurcussions is another major reason. The US would not like any unilaterally punitive measures by New Delhi to adversely impact its war on terror along Pak's western front. Hence, the US is seeking to temper New Delhi's response and come up with jointly beneficial options.
This appears to be an undermining of the Indian sovereignty to a certain extent, as many would have us believe, especially since the US support seems to be more for its own benefit. And to a certain extent, it wouldn't be a wrong conclusion.

But then again, this sort of outside intervention, even if it might be for their own interesr, is welcome at this point. For hasn't the inability of our successive governments and our ineptness to deal with the scourge of terrorism harmed us enough? One might accuse the Americans of ALWAYS selfishly putting their own interests ahead of everyone else's, even when seemingly offering support, but can they deny the fact that if any country knows how to take care of its own, its America? No, for no matter whether its one life or 6 lives or hundreds of lives, they will never back away from punishing the guilty.
Furthermore, US support, in the form of intelligence aid, including technological inputs, collaboration of the US investigative agencies with the Indian agencies, etc. is too necessary to be frowned upon.

As per the article referred to earlier, one of the actions being informally considered is to strive for a UN resolution empowering a coalition of the affected countries to dismantle terrorist camps in Pakistan, including Pakistan occupied Kashmir.These affected countries include India, US, UK, China and Russia, and also some countries from the European Union and Israel due the loss of lives suffered by them in the Mumbai siege.

What will be the result of all this, remains to be seen. However, what makes THIS tragedy different (apart from the scale of loss suffered) is the unequivocal response that it has generated the world over, which goes beyond the usual condolences. Hopefully all this will bear fruit and arouse those in charge enough to work together for avoidance of similar pathetic tragedies in the future.

WHAT IT TAKES

Takes but a small thing to make you happy.

To make you cherish someone's company.

To make you feel special.

Takes but a small thing to make you wanna live forever.

To wish that the day would never end.

To make you dream those tantalizing dreams for the future.

To pin your hopes for that future on a flimsy yet ideal premise.

But then again,

Takes but a small thing to bring those wishes and expectations tumbling down.

LOOKING AT THE EAGLE AND OBSERVING...

I feel...

• The election was fought between an idealist and a realist.
• The idealist's election campaign centred around fighting and working for what he thinks and believes to be the reality. The realist's take- for what he thought would be an ideal campaign.
• Finally, in the reality struck nation, the idealist won.
• For the first time in a long LONG time optimism and belief in what CAN be and SHOULD be done seems to have actually won over cynisicm.

Hah! for the first time i feel its not completely foolish to hang onto a picture perfect kind of scenario. Plus, the euphoria and madness sweeping over the world, NOT just to mention the US, seems kind of ironical, considering not so long ago any sort of quixotic utopian ideas or feelings were laughed at in your face, being taken as a synonym for naivete, and derision and cynicism lauded.

Funny how one man, who wasn't even heard of till not so long ago, can change the way things go around the world.

Does this signify a change, truly? Can he help bring back that lost hope, make the nation once again THE POWER as he promised? Would he be more in news for his policies and their implementation than his political gaffes? Can he make the people look at the Americans as something more substantial than pop culture struck Paris-lusting-Britney-bashing-emo-promoting nation of slackers?

PS: I have ALWAYS wondered but never figured... HOW is it that though everyone has something negative to say about America, yet they don't mind packing their bags and rushing for its shores every opportunity they get?

:'(

This is the first time in years that i am sitting at home on Diwali while everyone else is meeting up for the usual extended family reunion! and i can assure you, i absolutely ABHOR it! Even 12th Boards didn't reduce me to this. : It better be worth all this!

...

how funny is it, when you writing something for a particular situation or a particular someone, thinking what you saying or writing perfectly captures something unique. Something which won't be applicable to anything or anyone else. But then, surprizingly, it is. It fits so perfectly that you get confused in your own mind as to what/who the actual intended subject was. :)

A CONVERSATION BETWEEN MISS M AND HER C

Miss M: i have been trying. its not like i haven't. but it just won't do!

C: true that. but then again, how is dilly dallying over it going to help you? just get it done with. who knows, you might just clear them!

Miss M: see, my clearing not clearing is really not the point here. its just that the reasons for doing it are not convincing enough. somewhere down the line the plot has been lost.

C: what is it that you wish for? whatever you wanted... that Audi, that pad, being able to go around the world... all of it is but a while away.

Miss M: its so much easier when things happen to someone else. you are a mere observer and in a position to tell them what they need to do from a very objective, unbiased point of view. but how do you do it with yourself when your brain tells you to simply get down to it and the gut tells you to chuck it and simply give it up?

C: forget about the gut and the brains for a while. tell me will you be able to look back at this sort of failure, this giving up on your part, 10 years down the line? won't it seem like a futile waste of a) time b)labour c) resources ? won't you feel guilty even now, when you have wasted so much of time, money and everything?

Miss M: People notice that i become a recluse during the exams, around exams. they attribute it to my 'drive', my 'commitment', my 'hard work'. how disappointed (or maybe secretly glad?!) will they be when they see how wrong and mistaken they were? how attrociously i have been deceiving them all this while? they think i sit and study at home while they are enjoying themselves, that she is definitely going to excel in whatever she takes up. and THAT, is the scariest part of them all. that idea that i might just not live upto it, that i won't be able to make it is what is so scary. and what is acting like a deterrant. i have almost given up hope of making it. i am hopeless. whatever bits and pieces i am now taking up are merely like a few drops in an ocean. i no longer have that conviction in what i've taken up, which i used to be so proud of. and the lack of which in others i used to look down upon. it seemed so natural then, the only way of being, knowing your way so clearly. all the time. how was i to know then how it feels to be suddenly stranded midway? to lose the plot completely. like you realize you are headed towards antartica when it was the arctic circle you had always aimed to reach.

C: that definitely is a bummer. but ever tried looking at this from this point of view? that maybe it WAS for the better in a way. now that you are so close to antartica, why fear the glaciers and the thin ice? why NOT experience this land too and try and discover its joys before writing it off completely? it might simply add to the experience of the arctic, nay?
don't damn something just because it turns out to be different from what you had ideally imagined it to be. for even if it lacks all the things you were looking for, it might not be that bad. maybe might even contain a few surprizes, and pleasant ones at that?
it is so much easier to leave things mid way. that's what most do, don't they? and most of them end up regretting it too, because when they see others finish their task, they realize that it wasn't as tough as it had seemed initially. one last heavy push, and they could have been through!
when you work for it so hard, give up so many things you like, then why not make that count? why let them all go waste and feel all the worse for it?

Miss M: i know, and this has crossed my mind so many times. it does motivate me to work, no matter how little. but then i see how much others are putting in, and then i panick. i panic because i know i will never be able to be as good as they are, or reach close to where they are right now. they have the conviction that is required, the self belief that is required and the energy, the willpower to carry them forward. whereas presently (and only presently!) i lack not just one of these, but all. that's when simply giving up and going into the oblivion for a while sounds so tempting.

C: look, thinking so much about it, giving it so much energy to it is anyway not helping you, is it? then why even bother wasting time on it?! i know for a fact that when you get down to it, you actually like what you are doing. but then you suddenly realize how huge the task is, and how little you have achieved, or what little you are now even TRYING to do, will not even help you scratch the surface.
but then again, given all that has been written and said about the topic, even if you don't make it, you won't have the additional burden of the 'loser' tag, would you? you would have given it the best shot you could have, under the circumstances. making the cut would simply be an added bonus.
atleast you won't feel like a fool for having given up midway. and this too, when you ABHOR the idea of giving up on things in between.
so chin up, and go for the damned thing!!!

...

Gets difficult to talk and not emote.
How to cover up that which is the one constant of life?
Those words, their impact; those actions, the reactions.
How to forget them, when felt as strongly as one's own.
It's impossible, cannot be denied; but still so hard to overlook it all.
Oh how hard it is to find one who comes even close.
Many come and go; some come close-- but never close enough.
Why is a comparison, a measuring up a sort of compulsion?
WHY is it so difficult to replace you?
Why can't it be simply forgotten-- why can't YOU be?

OF PERFECTION AND ITS IMPERFECTIONS...

I HATE perfection. I hate PEOPLE who embody perfection. Their mere presence is enough to distract you, to make you feel inept. Everything about them is so correct, so concise, so precise that no matter how correct, sure of yourself or correct you are, they make you feel as if you are somehow incorrect or mistaken. That aura or awe that hangs around them is unnerving! As if they are not human. And the way everyone seems to look upto them, look at them as authority on anything and everything (from train timings to the latest update of the American stock markets to the latest Cavelli collection) AND the fact that more often than not they're correct, makes me wanna SCREAM.

(This was just a random piece of insight into my current psyche. And yes, the abstract senseless ending was purely because i had nothing else left to say on the topic.)

A POST WITHOUT A TITLE :|

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first; get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last 9 months floating... then you finish of as an orgasm!!!Amen"
________________

"I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless you don't care. And when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive." "So, hopelessness is the key?" "It's my only hope."

--Seinfeld

A WEEK AND A DAY LATER...

"But Delhi will bounce back. You see it will. Nothing can dampen the spirit of this city," was the refrain on most news channels a day after the blasts. Just like it was after the Gujarat blasts earlier or the Hyderabad blasts or the Bangalore ones or the Diwali blasts in Delhi last year or in Varanasi before that, or...



"This is our spirit, our resilience. We are...", is undoubtedly the tune which everyone sings post terrorist attacks-- the academecia, the intellectuals, page 3 'celebrities', media persons and god knows who else.



Yes, we will be back to acting normal within a few hours. NO doubt about that. But is it because we have that 'undying spirit'? or is it simply because out of compulsion, out of sheer lack of any other alternative option? After all, what happened exactly a week and a day ago isn't anything out of the ordinary, is it? Been here, heard that. Seen that much of blood, heard that quote. We are not the United States now, are we, that the whole world will be made to alter its course because someone dared take a shot at us? Nothing can be as big a tragedy as that one now. Why should we sweat about it? Will give you a look into an ordinary house to prove the point.



Bombs go off between 6.15 and 6.45 all over the city. Get to hear about them around 7. Why? Because one of the blasts happened outside a family member's office building. The other, at the place where they used to stay till not so long ago. They sit infront of the TV, listen to the goddamned news for about 45 minutes, attend to some phone calls from anxious relatives and friends. About an hour later, they are on their way for a dinner party.



They sit around. A bunch of 'wise' middle aged men savouring a drink while laughing and joking about the 'incident'.

"May such things keep happening so that our relatives keep remembering us", one of them says. Indeed. Then-- back to playing cards and mundane games. Damn, the tambola board is missing. Kind of dampens the mood of the party.



Next day, life is back to normal again. Take the metro to CP for classes from 6 to 8. Come back, eat, watch some news. Soon the anchor starts on how the blasts and the ongoing US credit crisis have dampened the markets. Curse a bit. Watch some more. The anchor is now talking about those injured in the markets. Yawn. Time to go hit the sack.

And this, apparently is how Delhi has 'bounced back'.

As My Hair Fall...

Its getting harder. Day by day. Everyday. I had thought that over a period of time i would adjust to it, thar things would be ok. But i was so off the mark.

For the uninitiated, i am talking about sharing my room with my cousin who will be staying with us till she gets done with her 12th, which is thankfully just a few more months away. She doesn't have a separate room because her father, that is my uncle, happens to think that she would then be completely isolated and lonely. Plus he doesn't want her to be an inconvenience. Gee how nice.

Soon as i start thinking that now i am ok with having her around, that i have adjusted to her and all, some small thing happens that sends me fuming again. It could be something as small as her crawling across my bed to get to the other side of the room or going to the loo to talk with her boyfriend, sitting their for hours or being overtly inquisitive and curious about anything and everything that i've got to say to Aakriti or using our things as if she has every right. Argh! these are just a few examples (which might not be very convincing : ).

I look forward to Fridays because thats when she goes to her own house (for the weekends) and dread Monday afternoons as thats when she comes back (to haunt me).

Everyone else has had their minor adjustments to make and more or less HAS become comfortable enough about becoming 5 from 4. More or less they all simply happen to go about things like nothing is different. But then again, they are not the ones sharing their room with her. Technically though, i am wrong since even Aakriti shares the room. But then again, she NEVER has a problem with adjusting to anyone!

I know that its petty and kiddish (definitely NOT 20ish!) to crib and blog about something so meaningless and mundane, and that i should be nice and understanding and all since she is living away from her family. But then, i don't feel that guilty because she makes up for all that with her own brand of bitchiness and indifferent attitude towards everyone (including my parents which i HATE). Even the occasional bouts of empathy are soon put to rest thanks to this. So yeah, no worries about my conscience in the least.

PS: i know this post isn't exactly Pulitzer material but i still don't know the art of converting pettiness into intellectual banter. :)

RESULT DAY

[ok, this post has become kind of old now. Wrote it the day i got my result, 12th August to be precise]

Got my result today. And well,it wasnt' great. Infact wasn't decent at all! Who feels good on getting a lousy ORDINARY result when their closest friends are getting SO much more than them?! That you actually are the lowest scorer of the lot (uh, among friends, NOT the university OR the class!). Definitely not a very good feeling, i can vouch.

But i think the worst part is getting your result in a group of people. Specially a group where everyone seems to have scored atleast a good 5-7% more than you. Makes you feel like the dunce of the century i tell you. And if that wasn't enough, they won't even let you mourn (for your dead result) in peace. They just won't leave you alone! Right from feeding you forks full of pok chok and chocolate icecream with their own tender hands, to giving you a ride back home to the other side of the city, to actually accompanying you half the way, to giving you a lecture on how good, infact GREAT it is to be a 'mediocre' student in order to really live life, i saw it all today. Whether it was Rishabh's trying to nudge me into a smile every second by passing me a secret smile, or Saurabh looking at me with that all knowing smile while i was being subjected to all this, or whether it was Nandini hugging me repeatedly trying to comfort me, or Ruhi throwing an off and on "come on Krit, its ok. Don't be sad" at me, or Mansanjam making me feel like a loser for moping-- it all happened today. She was apparently of the opinion that if you get an ordinary result, you REALLY know how to live it up! Never mind the fact that she herself got around 5% more than me.

Hey, i am NOT complaining. After all, who doesn't like being pampered like this throughout, and that too on someone else's special day? (Did i mention it was a celebratory lunch for Ruhi exiting her teens too?) i loved the consideration they showed me. Honestly. To see so much concern for yourself feels nice.

But then, this made me feel like a bigger fool. It made me the fact that i scored less than any of them even more apparent. And i will have to be honest here, made me think that they were probably glad it wasn't them in my place. I know i sound petty, but hey, my blog, my venting spot. :) It just made me feel like a special case. Which was the last thing i wanted to, at that particular moment. It would have been so much better if they had simply said, "Come on, who cares. You still averaging above a first div, right? so forget it, concentrate on the final year, and lets get on with it." But their constant indulgence made me feel the fact that i was the lowest scorer, even more. (Not to mention the fact that this constant over indulgence in anything and everything, and i don't know, this ever expanding overprotective layer makes me want to scream. Or laugh out loud, like when Rishabh actually thought i was depressed enough to try something crazy or life threatening!)

I guess thats what happens when you in a college where every student has his future planned out to the last full stop and knows exactly how to go about it. I wonder when will i be able to get into that one track frame of mind. Can't wait enough i assure you. And am sure my father can't either, though to his credit he never pressurizes me. Would like to see me focussed i guess. And well, i do hope this pathetic excuse of a result drives me enough to actually slog my ass till November and clear my exams. Ah, if wishes were horses now...

THE MONK WHO MOVED MY CHEESE

I have been reading Robin Sharma's 'Who Will Cry When You Die?' lately. Had bought it for a friend's birthday. Since he already had it, i decided to keep it. Apart from 'The Prophet' by Kahlil Gibran, which i don't exactly thinks falls in this category, this is probably the first self help book i have read. Had heard a lot about them-- how enlightening and life changing they are, how they inspire towards better way of life, how they help you get in touch with the 'real you', etc.

And frankly, this read (or at least the part i HAVE read, for i confess i haven't read the entire thing), is enlightening! it has enlightened me as to exactly how pompous can one sound while still managing to earn brownie points with the public.

The author apparently endeavours to share and deliver wisdom and inspiration and maybe tries to help you attain that 'moment of truth', but honestly, the maximum he succeeds in achieving (with me at least!) is looking like a royal dolt.

Sure, introspection, talking with yourself and listening to your inner self is important. Even i believe in it (no matter how cynical i might be sounding right now, what with writing this post). But WHICH self respecting person would ACTUALLY go about reciting the 'mantra' "I am grateful that i am serene and tranquil person" in order to attain inner peace? or how about "I am grateful that money and opportunity is flowing my way" for material prosperity? And that too at least 200 times a day for 4 weeks?! what if you are able to do only about 190? Does the entire exercise go down the drain?

A new chapter where he states the importance of the first 30 minutes of the day being the most important seems promising. He states that this time of the day is most fruitful and inspiring, since it influences the rest of the day-- and i feel we are getting somewhere. That now he will actually suggest something worthy. But the suggestion to read profound books like 'Meditations' by Marcus Aurelius and 'Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin' by Thoreau doesn't exactly leave me elated. Or looking forward to getting up next morning. For one, what if the readers who decide to follow him and take up his suggestion are not able to understand the meaning hidden behind these words? Wouldn't it make them feel kind of silly? Most likely their day wouldn't go really well, considering they spent the first 30 minutes in a state of bewilderment and confusion.

In order to preach wisdom, to convince people tp believe in themselves, 'to reach a higher level of self awareness', is it necessary to give them highbrow examples like Thoreau or Herodotus or Euripides? How about picking examples from our own daily lives, or the author's own surrounding? Like the example about him having dinner with his son (and learning something deep from a simple act of scooping the warm soft center and leaving the hard crumbs behind).

Why is it that people believe if you quote Edison or Al Koran or any other apparently famous name you make yourself more believable, even though majority of the readers might not have even heard of their existence. One might say that truth seems more convincing when it comes from those who matter. Granted. But what if these people don't actually matter to most? Are they SUPPOSED to, simply because they are Greek and ancient?

No. Trust me. As a person who belongs to this category, a simple example picked from familiar surroundings (or at least a similar age!), something that i can relate to, makes maximum impact. Even more than the quotations by Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Teresa or Nelson Mandela, erudite though their company might be.

Its not that i am against these books or that they are worthless. Probably they help people discover things they never knew they had. Maybe they make sense to a lot more people than i believe they do. But then you have to be able to understand the basic meaning behind the big words. There's just something about these books that doesn't seem right. Maybe the fact that you have to look so far, step into the surreal-- just to get in touch with YOUR 'real' self?

...

Its been a while now. Almost a year infact. But it hurts the same. Any similar face, physical presence startles.

WHY couldn't it be the way she had thought it would be? hoped it would be? wanted it would be?

Wasn't it EVER mutual? Was it all a mere figment of her imagination? Didn't he ever feel the same goddamn way?

How is it that for one it is so easy to move on, like nothing ever happened. All those words, those implied thoughts... what about them? Was she simply reading too much into them? Or was she plain 'naive' , as he often called her.

One year ago she was so sure of what might be. But today she feels that maybe it was all just in her head.

but honestly, who can blame her? Not even she herself. The way it went on, the way they carried on, was it wrong on her part to expect something?

WHY do people even like to make the other person believe, hope or expect something when they can't live upto it? One day you are all over a person, the next day you refuse to recongnize them, even acknowledge them. Honestly! No use trying to win over somene when you can't even hold onto them. Or dislike it if they try to.

He came and made her expect. So much. Then went away, never bothering to look back.

And she? what about her? Didn't he bother to think?

Tap on her shoulder.

Great song this one. Do you want to dance, Anu?

Smiling, she got up and took the hand.

JUST WONDERING...

i have been completely spaced out for the whole day today, thinking of nothing, anything and everything that may pop in my brain.i have been thinkin n wonderin about somethings but not been able to come up with the answers. don't even think that now that I'm writing about them ill be able to recall all of them. some of them, however are as follows...
how is it or why is it that though we have known someone half our lives yet not been really close to, becomes so close to us after going away from us?
how someone who's been close to us for so long, suddenly seems like a stranger?
you think that someone's perfect for you or apt for you but you still arn't able to somehow hit the right note with him/her?
even though you're surrounded by people all the time, have plenty of friends yet you feel that no one really is very important to you?
though you're surrounded by people, you feel they don't really care about you or you feel lonely even around them?
you're so close to someone or you like someone so much that you can't stand the thought of him being equally close to another common friend?
you wanna just go away, lock yourself in a room, but STILL wanna open up to someone?
for a while you're close to someone, able to open up with them or around them completely, but the next moment you just wanna clam up and curse yourself for being so transparent and opening up so much with them?
you hold someone at arm's length for a while but they still wanna come close to you, but as soon as you start letting your guard down, they wanna move away?
why, when you gotta think sensibly, you ALWAYS end up thinking sentimentally or vice versa?
why some people's smallest remarks affect you and break you but other people's biggest taunts don't affect you?
why you ever wanna hold on to someone who just wants to let go?
why do you feel its better to simply care but still remain at a distance?
if anyone does have any answers... you know where to drop a comment! ;-)

[ps: old readers will be forgiven for wondering where theyhave read this stuff before. primarily because it IS a repost. had very intelligently deleted the old one. : ]

:-?

In a weird frame of mind these days. Happy and kind of looking forward to things, with this feeling of expectation like there is something out there, tempting and waiting to be caught. Feel in control of things.
But then there is something nagging as well. As with the other feeling, cant exactly say what. Maybe that usual feeling that is always there with any joy?

Sun feels wonderful on the face. Directly though. When not on the face, gets irritating. Books don’t seem to be as punishing and torturous as about a couple of weeks back. Infact, quite comfortable and minus that usual stifling feeling that generally accompanies whenever they are on the table.

Singing out loud with any and every song that’s playing has become quite natural—something that happens on its own, whether lyrics are known or not. Other people’s frowns and complaints- all gone for a toss. All hail the new karaoke queen!

The idea and task of going out, making an effort and approaching people is a real pain. This weather does it to one. But then once around them, seems as natural as anything. Like this is how things should be. Not for too long though. after a while that feeling sets in-- of being on guard around someone particular. That wariness and wish to get away. This is noticed by the other person too. Hence stays cut off? Others don’t though. Act bubbly and its enough for them. Solitary strolls and outings are fun! Preferable even. Picking the phone and calling up is a task mostly. But getting calls is not. Once on, talking for hours is fun. Most times atleast. At others, so much easier to let the phone keep ringing.

This is probably what months of remaining anti social does— makes one so comfortable around their own self. So much so, nobody else is required. Mostly atleast. Wonder how long this can last though.

Ah, laziness.

WHATSUP?

Monday, 7am
“Get up! Its 7 already! your class is at 7.45. HOW will you make it in time?”- my mum’s early morning refrain. Ofcourse, it doesn’t occur to her that while sleeping i can hardly tell the time. :D
My woolens- pullover, cap (yeah right),warmers, socks...are all laid on the bed for me. I drag myself out. Somehow. Put the dratted things up, freshen up and get ready. Gulp down my breakfast. All in 20 mins flat. (yep! i DONOT dillydally proud grin)
Daddy is at the door, car keys in one hand, paper in the other, giving me the killer looks. Why? cz he’s got to drag himself out and get ready, miss his bedtea to drop me all the way. Good! You only don’t let me drive yet. Those patience lessons, eh? :P anyway...he insists on dropping me, before any of you start thinking I’m an ugrateful spoilt prat!

7.30am
In the car; seatbelts on. Silence half the way. Then- aaj kya kar rahe ho? amalgamation finished? shit thats really important. 20 marks question sureshot.
Gee thanks. Specially since its stacked in a corner with rest of the backlog?
Talk about my college, professors, friends, his office follows. time-7.45 am. Dot. And we are there! (my dad is a whiz with the wheels you see!)
Teacher still not there. Sit and look at others. DONOT talk with anyone. Don’t particularly like the people around. (oh yes! i can be snooty sometimes. but when you ask people on the first day “hey! which college?” and get a “No college, only business” as an answer, OR when a person you talk with twice starts thinking you have a crush on him, you get turned off yaa!)
8am- Mr. Bansal enters. “Sorry students, got late. So, we were to continue and finish with...”
today I’ll DEFINITELY pay attention and NOT tune him out. pukka se. All ears for the first 45 mins. But then, the bee suddenly starts buzzing, the horns are too blaring; I am too sleepy. Drat! here i go again. :
I look at my cell. A message. Hmmm...better reply before (s)he gets angry. Done. Look at the time...9.45. God! class almost over. Better listen to him now. “So students, we will start with Internal reconstruction the next time.” Class over.
Get out, go to the bus stop. I HATE the waiting. Nothing against them as such. In fact quite like the ride back home like anyone who likes observing people would. But that’s when you manage to get a seat. Otherwise it’s just too crowded and the people—too close.
Anyway, bus boarded at 10.05am (after 15 mins of waiting!)
Conductor—Nahi nahi! KB tak nahi jayegi. CP mein Shivaji Stadium last stop hai.
Damn you. Give me the ticket till Barakhamba then.
At ITO, manage to get a seat. Finally. Then dumped with 2 bags. Honestly! No courtesy in today’s times!
Get off at BK, take the metro to KB…and I’m home!
2.45pm
“kritika! Hurry up. You gotta get out of the house by 3 and you are still not ready! Class ke liye late ho jayegi.” Yeah yeah. Finally out by 3.20 and reach the station by 3.28. shit! My ride just entered the platform! I run up the stairs, go through the security check, huff my way up…only to see the damned thing pull out. Great. Wait for 6 minutes. Call someone. Make them call me back. Talk through the ride. Get off at Mandi House/ Pragati Maidan. Walk to the auditorium. Dev calls- oi! Im stuck. Save Gaurav and me a seat.
And he calls ME lazy. Chauvinist.

Get to the audi. Look around for 3 seats. Manage to find some. Sit. Go through the notes. Its 3.56. Am I fast or what!? :D
4pm- sir starts.
“Ab idhar dekhiye, CON-SUN-TRAIT for the next few minutes please. Maine last class mein karvaya ki Income from House Property is….” Still no sign of those two. I look around. Sir looks at me. I turn back to my notes. HOW does he manage to pay attention to each student in a class of 500?? He IS good.
4.15- dev and Gaurav enter. Dev opens his bag and starts looking for mints. Eats them one after the other like chickpeas. Any wonder his bag is a mini wrapper landfill!? Class is on. I am all ears. I LIKE taxation.
5.45- I start dozing off (been a tiring day, hello!). dev nudges me awake. Laughs a bit at me. I scowl. Then grin back. We 2 start with our PJ session. Carry on with it till 6. Then, “acha! Aap log ab break leejiye but PLEASE be back in 10 mins. I will start at 6.15 sharp.”

We rush outside. Ah! Fresh cold air. Feels wonderful. I LOVE it. Have chips, sweet potato, something to drink. Talk around. Look at people smoke and eat ice cream together. I GOTTA try this. Go back by 6.20. shit! We are late.
Class not started late though. Sheesh! Narrow escape. His personal attention and the ensuing embarrassment is NOT called for.

In the second half, we are alertness personified. We argue about the validity of section so and so, logic behind this and that. NOT cutting out the PJs allt he while, mind you. We can multitask you see!

Soon class is over. Gaurav, Dev, Priyabka, Akanksha and I walk to the metro station. Flock into the metro department, get jostled around incase it is crowded. Rule the place if less people around. Priyanka starts off with her imitations. Then starts with her Gaurav bullying. People turn and stare at us. After R.K. Marg, everyone starts looking out for my station. They know of my habit of missing my station by now. I get off, get on a ‘rick’shaw, get home.

Daddy- how was the class? What did he do?
Me- oh, the usual. So and so sections, and some illustrations.
Mum calls out- dinner ready!

Soon enough dinner is finished. I come online.
Someone (pings)- hey! Whatsup?
Me- nothing much, the usual. You tell.

WHAT RULES?

...common sense or instinct?