SHAM

Sham bhi koi jaise hai nadi
Lehar lehar jaise beh rahi hai
Koi ankahi, koi ansuni
Baat dheemi dheemi keh rahi hai
Kahin na kahin jaagi hui hai koi aarzoo
Kahin na kahin khoye hue se hain main aur tu
Ke boom boom boom para para
Hai khaamosh dono
Ke boom boom boom para para
Hai madhosh dono
Jo gummsum gummsum hai yeh fizayein
Jo kehti sunti hai yeh nigahein
Gummsum gummsum hai yeh fizayein hai na


Suhani suhani hai yeh kahani
Jo khamoshi sunaati hai
Jise tune chaha hoga woh tera
Mujhe woh yeh batati hai
Main magan hoon par na jaanu
Kab aane wala hai woh pal
Jab haule haule dheere dheere
Khilega dil ka yeh kamal
Ke boom boom boom para para
Hai khaamosh dono
Ke boom boom boom para para
Hai madhosh dono
Jo gummsum gummsum hai yeh fizayein
Jo kehti sunti hai yeh nigahein
Gummsum gummsum hai yeh fizayein hai na
Yeh kaisa samay hai, kaisa sama hai
Ke shaam hai pighal rahi


Yeh sab kuch haseen hai, sab kuch jawan hai
Hai zindagi machal rahi, jagmagati jilmilati
Palak palak pe khwaab hai
Sun yeh hawayein gungunayea
Jo geet lajawab hai
Ke boom boom boom para para
Hai khaamosh dono
Ke boom boom boom para para
Hai madhosh dono
Jo gummsum gummsum hai yeh fizayein
Jo kehti sunti hai yeh nigahein
Gummsum gummsum hai yeh fizayein hai na

oh you dazzling smile, what sorrows are you hiding today?

i WILL NOT break, and i WILL NOT break down. the tears and the pain might be there, but it will never show. never. ever. not to you. not to most. and slowly, it will go away. i will negate it. i will nip it in the bud. it won't kill me, it won't affect me. and i will absolutely not run after it. i REFUSE to run after it. i've given as much as i could, and i did it willingly. no more. not a bit more.

it pinches and affects. all the bloody time. but i won't think about it anymore. there is so much more. soo much more. so many more willing, more giving. there is so much to look forward to, so much to work for. everyday comes up with atleast one joy, which overshadows the ten other trifle sorrows, which helps me sleep easy. then while stock taking, why should i forget those small things which made me smile? why should i insist on going back to what didn't happen?!

if there is so much to look forward to, so much ahead of me, then where is there the need to look back at all? why the wishful thinking? it's not worth it. and i won't let it get the better of me. I WON'T!

if you see it in your mind, you're going to hold it in your hand.

and i see a life. a successful, hard earned one. which i have dreamt of and worked for. the realization of a dream more precious to me than anything else. and nothing, no circumstances, shall detract me. i'm gonna have it all, and on my terms. i'll make it happen. and i'l keep working till i get there. but i will..and wild horses won't stop me.

Wish List 2011

MY WISH LIST FOR THE NEW YEAR


1. complete my CA course, get my degree.

2. lose weight, get in shape (yessss!)

3. brush up my driving and navigation skills.

4. finally take up photography, try new things with the camera, get a decent editing software and play around with it till i figure it out.

5. meditate...build up on concentration and focus.

6. keep confusion and chaos at a minimum.

7. unclutter my mind, and my surroundings. think ideas and words through before expressing them out loud.

8. take up sketching again.

9. join a language course

10. start working

12. try and give shape to the ideas that come up in my head and build on them, instead of just thinking about them and never doing anything about them. (yes, i know this one sounds pretty vague. but well...)

13. remove the word 'try' from my vocab, and actually DO things that need to be done...CHUCK the laziness and procrastination away... get off my ass and actually do things that need to be done..

14. brush up my culinary skills... and in a variety of things at that, so that, by the end of the year am able to prepare a decent meal, all on my own.

15. actually do all these things on my wish and not to forget about any of them!

Losing My Religion

Oh, Life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper
Of every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

a zen proverb..

"Things appear as we are and not as they are"

K... this is the way

restless. quite. agitated. that too. brief sentences seem better. somehow uh...crisper? feels like a zillion years, where it's just been one. detached. yeah, quite. like in everything else maybe? pinches sometimes, but mostly it's ok. when does it pinch? well...when there isn't anyone to listen. to lend support. to cheer on. to say they care 'a lotta lot'.. those 'wakey wakey' and 'nighty night' messages... the first thoughts in the morning and the last before going to bed every night. those secrets. that complete confidence.
"K... you're good! you don't even know how good"
"K...nothing holds a candle to what we share..."
"K...you're the one bright spark in my mundane life"...
"K...I'm committed. I'm getting married. Can you believe it?"
yes...K believes it. every bloody time she does. she's a believer afterall... a hopeless one at that. she doesn't know any better. she treasures and trusts. she hopes and she believes. she's disappointed and she's broken. every time.
tears...they have dried up. 
words...they've become a mere echo. 
memories...some are hazy, some shining with a neon sign.
rants, they are unbecoming. 
scenes, quite coarse.
time, an anesthetic.
silence, a dignified answer.
indifference, salvation.
one year...one year...and still... not one who comes close...
and most thought the distance...literal and figurative...would work magic.
it has worked, to a great extent. but it's still just a bandage wrapped over a raw wound.
so difficult to explain...so difficult to talk about. the ones who know it all don't understand. the others, well, they simply don't care. why should they? who does anymore, atleast for her?

K..this is the way...this is the way... learn :)

3

Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.

And he answered:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit the very wood that was hollow with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.


Some of you say, 'Joy is greater than sorrow,' and others say, 'Nay, sorrow is the greater.'

But i say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.


Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weight his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

la di la...

i'm happy. quite inexplicably so. have been like this for a couple of days now. why? no idea. bu this scares me. whenever i AM like this, it usually results in a bit of an anticlimax! ah well..just gotta keep reminding myself to prioritise! :)
quite a few things to look forward to actually...meeting a really old friend, meeting some new people, meeting up with some of my favorite people!
books...so many i've stacked up! movies..! music..! markets! gym! CLASSES!
bwahaha!

And there we go again!

D: what do you expect, when you absolutely INSIST on pricking an old wound?

O: ummm...i don't know. i just felt like it. wanted to see. but yes, i saw more than i wished to, and read more between the lines than i cared to. it pinched, yes.. but you know me! i'd do the same thing again... and again..and..

D: sadistic you are..

O: ehhh... it'll be alright. I'll be alright. am i not always?

D: still... you're sadistic. and plain lame. and foolish. and you wonder why am i always exasperated with you?!