what do you do when your mind is in a constant state of flux? that constant state of upheavel? you know that something is wrong, you know exactly what is wrong, but still.. you do not wish to admit it to yourself. you hate to admit it to yourself. because it is in direct conflict with everything you hold good.. your brain is scattered, your thoughts fragmented and indistinguishable...it's like they are colluding with each other, trying to trick you into that state of absolute pandemonium. for pandemonium is what it all is. convince yourself you can deal with it.. but for how long? how often? it is but temporary.

100 thoughts rush through your head, at the speed of lightening. they leave you so confused and petrified, you can't help but look for answers towards others. whether they understand your situation or not. a part of you probably knows they won't, knows it's all fruitless. but still, you will go ahead with it, simply because that hope is your only refuge. disappointed you may well be when it doesn't come to pass. but probably not surprised. maybe that feeling of hopelessness just worsens that much, but then again you learn to live with it. or pretty much HAVE learnt by now.

but you know whats worse than any of it? that scary feeling of settling into this state of hopelessness, of accepting whatever this is, whatever has come your way. the idea of THAT, now, is terrifying.