LONG NIGHTS..

Have no fear
For when I'm alone
I'll be better off than I was before


I've got this life
I'll be around to grow
Who I was before
I cannot recall


Long nights allow me to feel
I'm falling
I am falling
The lights go out
Let me feel
T'm falling
I am falling safely to the ground
Ah...


I'll take this soul that's inside me now
Like a brand new friend
I'll forever know


I've got this light
And the will to show
I will always be better than before


Long nights allow me to feel
I'm falling
I am falling
The lights go out
Let me feel
I'm falling
I am falling safely to the ground
Ah..

THE OBLITERATOR...

sensitive? yes... the extent, quite unfathomable.

affected? yes...the reasons, quite inexplicable.

bothered? yes...the apprehension , quite unreadable.

such small things...so much impact. everything goes through. everything hurts. can't  fathom.

defenses at an all time low. the pain, the bloody pain.. nonchalance is hard to fall back on.
where is the damned indifference? that cloak is the only protection...

a desperate need to shield, to protect. from what though? hard to explain..

everything is suddenly SO scary right now...

if only there was something to lean against, to depend on... damn the tears. they flow just like these words. senseless, random and fragmented. broken bits of riddles that circle the mind. confusing, annoying, hurtful.

never is it worth, nothing is worth...nothing enough, nothing good enough. oh god!

RAMBLES OF A CONTEMPLATIVE MIND..

Thoughts and images pour in like a frenzy, like bees into their hive. So much happened, yet so much is the same. Faces and memories, memories and feelings, feelings and change, change and Darwin, Darwin and adaptivity.

Yet, paradoxically, so little seems to have changed. Two years...then and now. Much is new, much is old. Yet, responses and reactions to both are similar. an inherent nature, some would argue. Maybe... and if the thoughts are the bees, then the mind is a tree and the hive a branch that holds houses those bees..

 What if the tree on which the hive rests has changed much? Is the change perceptible? Or those who perch on it and have done so for aeons do so without even realizing that something fundamental has altered? Maybe, maybe not. Time is a great healer they say..and they could not have been more right. Some wounds, once so raw, have magically disappeared. Healed completely. Maybe certain scars have been left behind, but none on the surface. Those that exist but make the bark tougher and harder. The claws that pawed the bark belonged to felines much adored. Hence, forgiveness is easy and natural. But the pain not forgotten...and probably never can be. To the world the wood is strong and healthy, untouched by the ravages around it. It can withstand whatever it faces, weather any storm and shelter all those creatures that are lost. Maybe...but the fear remains. Of the pain...

Heh. Ways of the mind... always worth much contemplation..

..and so it is

The doors have been locked, the shutters pulled down;
No more free access, in or out.
The key isn't inaccessible, though in safekeeping;
Not beyond a traveler, who comes looking.
The window might be opened, a peep sometimes allowed,
But no complete access, unless worth is beyond doubt.

IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT STOMP YOUR FEET !!

Am soo happy right now, i could jump for joy! Its been a good day. Ah my Sunday, already gone...

Morning was crazy and frantic, what with us fighting for the tickets. But then again, considering i had just this day for the bloody movie, i kept at it... and VOILA! got the tickets. and how.

So i got to the movie hall, and was standing in this long freaking queue when i noticed this guy come out with HP tickets. Asked him if they were available in current for the show i wanted. They weren't. Imagine my disappointment! Poor K was soo heartbroken it's not even funny. But then he goes like, "if you want those tickets, you better try those 2 guys standing there. They've been trying to sell off their tickets for a while now."

And thats exactly what i did. I bought those bloody tickets in black. First time in my life. Haha. I was so bamboozled by the idea of someone actually wanting to sell off those tickets, i pretty much asked them if there was some problem with those tickets, and why were they selling them off.. turns out they'd wanted the tickets to the hindi version, HARRY POTTER AUR KHOONI TOHFE .

Anyway, so i got the tickets. It was so good to hang out with him after like forever! Just the two of us that is..have to remember to do it more often, hmmm. And boy, was he kicked as well. Lol. Quite bent upon believing that he was the best possible company for me to do the crazy unplanned hanging out we were doing. Our antics, me gad! We were fooling around like a couple of school kids the whole time. I don't think i've felt this free and kiddish and relaxed in the longest time... :)

The post movie chilling out was...well, pretty much that. Lol. Quite fun. Though to be honest, i was the ONLY one from the present company to get a buzz from the bloody hookah. This is something i never understand... why in the WORLD does the damn thing give me a buzz when it doesn't work that way on anyone else?! bah.. anyway.

All in all, a fun day. I'm sorry it has ended. Well, except for the spoiler from Rishabh. I wish he had never called and told me about his conversation. His one bloody call got me thinking about the episode that i had worked so hard on forgetting. And thanks to him, it's in my head again. And i hate a certain someone once again. But well... who gives. Stranger is what she has become, and stranger is what she's going to remain for the rest of my life. Social obligations be damned.

But yeah, a fun day, ending with a nice family dinner (though god knows how i managed that, what with all the alcohol in my system!).. But i'm hoping the coming week is gonna be better. Especially Tuesday. I could do with some positive news! Fingers crossed!

IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT STOMP YOUR FEET !!

Am soo happy right now, i could jump for joy! Its been a good day. Ah my Sunday, already gone...

Morning was crazy and frantic, what with us fighting for the tickets. But then again, considering i had just this day for the bloody movie, i kept at it... and VOILA! got the tickets. and how.

So i got to the movie hall, and was standing in this long freaking queue when i noticed this guy come out with HP tickets. Asked him if they were available in current for the show i wanted. They weren't. Imagine my disappointment! Poor K was soo heartbroken it's not even funny. But then he goes like, "if you want those tickets, you better try those 2 guys standing there. They've been trying to sell off their tickets for a while now."

And thats exactly what i did. I bought those bloody tickets in black. First time in my life. Haha. I was so bamboozled by the idea of someone actually wanting to sell off those tickets, i pretty much asked them if there was some problem with those tickets, and why were they selling them off.. turns out they'd wanted the tickets to the hindi version, HARRY POTTER AUR KHOONI TOHFE .

Anyway, so i got the tickets. Was killing time talking on the phone, killing time, waiting for Dev to turn up. It was so good to hang out with him after like forever! Just the two of us... have to remember to do it more often, hmmm. And boy, was he kicked as well. Lol. Quite bent upon believing that he was the best possible company for me to do the crazy unplanned hanging out as we were doing. Out antics, me gad! We were fooling around like a couple of school kids the whole time. I don't think i've felt this free and kiddish and relaxed in the longest time.. :)

The post movie chilling out was...well, pretty much that. Lol. Quite fun. Though to be honest, i was the ONLY one from the present company to get a buzz from the bloody hookah. This is something i never understand... why in the WORLD does the damn thing give me a buzz when it doesn't work that way on anyone else?! bah.. anyway.

All in all, a fun day. I'm sorry it has ended. Well, except for the spoiler from Rishabh. I wish he had never called and told me about his conversation. His one bloody call got me thinking about the episode that i had worked so hard on forgetting. And thanks to him, it's in my head again. And i hate a certain someone once again. But well... who gives. Stranger is what she has become, and stranger is what she's going to remain for the rest of my life. Social obligations be damned.

But yeah, a fun day, ending with a nice family dinner (though god knows how i managed that, what with all the alcohol in my system!).. But i'm hoping the coming week is gonna be better. Especially Tuesday. I could do with some positive news! Fingers crossed!

grr...

know that feeling when someone's very existence becomes the bane of your existence? well, i am feeling exactly that right now. definitely not a pleasant feeling! someone keeps treading on your toes and you wanna shoo them off but due to whatever reasons you can't...and they become a part of your life without any intention of letting that happen on your part. grr... makes me so mad. get on with your life and let me get on with mine i say! :|

At the dentist's...

K is in the yellow room at the dentist's while waiting for the doc to turn up. In walks in Dr. Mandeep, quite unobtrusively.

Dr. M:  Hi Kritika! :)
K: oh hi!
Dr. M: How are you? how's it going?
K: oh pretty good. How about you? How are you?
Dr. M: oh, i'm fine too... :)
K: -smiles back-
(Dr. M is on his way out when he suddenly turns around and looks at K. Then frowns.)
Dr. M: Are you ok? you look very different?
K (slightly frazzled): different? how?
Dr. M: your face looks kind of different. you look quite tanned. like you just came back from a vacation in Goa or something.
(touches his own face, the under eye and cheek area to point out)
you look quite red. and seem to be getting redder. sure you ok?
K: umm...yeah... i don't know. I'm quite ok actually... umm. maybe the weather?
(blushing more furiously than previously)
Dr. M: haan, that might be it.
(comes closer with a wad of goop in his hand, holds her mouth and shoves the goop in to get an impression, all the while holding onto her jaw and chin.)
Dr. M (standing above her, at a menacing 6'5'', looking down with those intense dark eyes): so, how's your tooth (pats the jaw at the spot) doing now? is it still trouble you?
K (WITH the goop in her mouth): not really..sometimes, if ever.
(and starts staring intently at the head lamp shining right in her face. anywhere but there!)


Dr. M keeps talking and holding the goop holder and being funny. K stares on.5 minutes more, and we're done.
the end result of the 1.5 hrs of waiting. 


 PS- for the uninitiated, this dentist, Dr. M, is made of stuff fantasies are made of. he's 6'5"ATLEAST, has amazing spiky hair, dresses snazzily, and smells amazing( it's a burberry, if i'm not mistaken..). has these intense dark brown eyes, the most amazing of smiles. and loves to talk and joke and kid around. as if that wasn't perfect enough, he actually comes and helps his wife with her patients (she's my actual ortho by the way!), even holding a glass of water while she drinks up. sigh. dev thinks i've got the hots for that man. he couldn't be more wrong... :/

...

if you see the wonder, of a fairytale...
you can take the future, even if you fail...
i believe in angels, something good in everything i see...
i believe in angels, when i know the time is right for me...
i'll cross the stream, i have a dream...


welcome new week! you've been long! i've been waiting for you! :)

Tides of The Moon

I can hear the wild waves break
This island of bone
Below the swell the stars are waking
No matter how much I shake
I'm gonna find home
Though I've been overtaken
By the tides of the moon
I'm swimming against
The tides of moon
You'll hear from me yet
I'll get to you soon

Savage cities on my trail
Won't leave me alone
Terrorize the song I'm veiling
Even though my arms are frail
I'm gonna find home
You know my faith ain't failing
'lo the tides of moon
I'm swimming against
The tides of moon
I'll get to you yet
You'll hear from me soon

Follow every wave that traces my name
You know
That I have been detained
And I feel I could die

Swimming against
The tides of moon
You'll hear from me yet
I'll get to you soon
Swimming against
The tides of moon
You'll hear from me yet
I'll get to you
Get to you, oh...

QUE SERA SERA

had been waiting for this for long now. and am finally there now. that stage where you're no longer lonely but just alone? it's a place and state i had left long long ago. years maybe. but now i feel i am back there. that point where you are alone, but you like it there. you're at peace.. with yourself and the world around you. it's not like people or things stop mattering suddenly. it's just that everything becomes so much easier to handle and cope with. you can breathe in, take it easy.

funny how things keep happening all the time, all around. you might be upset about something, and it might seem like the end of the world. but then a friend will come to you and tell you about what's troubling her. or someone else will have a similar kind of tale to tell. or something else might have happened at someone's work... parents, work, lovers, siblings, careers... when do we stop and sit back and take a note of things? when do we simply sit and breathe in the fresh air? sit and enjoy the weather and feel the wind playing with your hair? get lost in nothing in particular. let our mind wander just how it likes...occasionally making you smile, occasionally making you teary eyed? why keep running around for this and that and this and that?

it feels wonderful to simply put your phone off the ringer, to shut the computer and the laptop, to simply take off and spend some time with yourself. does wonders for you.

if something is meant to be, it will be, right? there's a right time for everything and all that jazz? if it doesn't feel like it, then it most certainly isn't the end of the road. just don't try and hurry and flounder in the process... :)

The Solitary Reaper

Behold her, single in the field,
Yon solitary Highland Lass!
Reaping and singing by herself;
Stop here, or gently pass!
Alone she cuts and binds the grain,
And sings a melancholy strain;
O listen! for the Vale profound
Is overflowing with the sound.

No Nightingale did ever chaunt
More welcome notes to weary bands
Of travellers in some shady haunt,
Among Arabian sands:
A voice so thrilling ne'er was heard
In spring-time from the Cuckoo-bird,
Breaking the silence of the seas
Among the farthest Hebrides.

Will no one tell me what she sings?--
Perhaps the plaintive numbers flow
For old, unhappy, far-off things,
And battles long ago:
Or is it some more humble lay,
Familiar matter of to-day?
Some natural sorrow, loss, or pain,
That has been, and may be again?

Whate'er the theme, the Maiden sang
As if her song could have no ending;
I saw her singing at her work,
And o'er the sickle bending;--
I listened, motionless and still;
And, as I mounted up the hill,
The music in my heart I bore,
Long after it was heard no more.

[ there was a poem we had in class 9... the solitary reaper. it always appealed to me. i could never quite figure why. brilliant as it was, it wasn't one of Wordworth's best. just thought of it again and looked it up... and well, the appeal holds. here you go. hope you like it too :) ]

Dead End

[something my sister wrote... her link... http://aakritimathur.blogspot.com/ ]

My little heart is pumping blood through my veins.

I can tell by the red tips of my fingers.

Suddenly numbness spreads through my body.

My hands are turning white.

I can feel nothing now.

Tears flow from my eyes, like water from a leaking pipe.

And there is a hollow deep in my stomach.

What does this mean?

Why is it happening?

Looking in the mirror, I seeing nothing.

My image has been obscured by a black veil.

Slowly through it, emerges a girl.

She is surrounded by many faceless bodies.

Her eyes are crinkled and face etched with laugh lines.

I blink and the image disappears.

Now there the girl stands again, quite alone.

No hint of a smile lurking around the corners of her lips.

The girl turns and starts walking away.

But thereupon she stops.

She has come to a dead end.

The Rain Song

It is the springtime of my loving - the second season I am to know
You are the sunlight in my growing - so little warmth I've felt before.
It isn't hard to feel me glowing - I watched the fire that grew so low.

It is the summer of my smiles - flee from me Keepers of the Gloom.
Speak to me only with your eyes. It is to you I give this tune.
Ain't so hard to recognize - These things are clear to all from
time to time.

Talk Talk - I've felt the coldness of my winter
I never thought it would ever go. I cursed the gloom that set upon us...
But I know that I love you so

These are the seasons of emotion and like the winds they rise and fall
This is the wonder of devotion - I seek the torch we all must hold.
This is the mystery of the quotient - Upon us all a little rain must fall...It's just a little rain...

You and me and five bucks...

i love Troy... i want my Troy...


Lelaina Pierce: I was really going to be somebody by the time I was 23.
Troy Dyer: Honey, all you have to be by the time you're 23 is yourself.
Lelaina Pierce: I don't know who that is anymore.
Troy Dyer: I do. And we all love her. I love her. She breaks my heart again and again, but I love her.

Troy Dyer: ...And I'm gonna turn on the TV and there Bryant Gumbel will be, and he'll say, "Today we have with us the Pulitzer Prize winning documentarian Lelaina Pierce. " "Lelaina, after your first film, Why Barbie Is Bad... " you seem to have forgotten all about your best friend, Troy Dyer."

Lelaina Pierce: Troy who? What was that name again?

Troy Dyer: Oh, right through the heart. I'll probably be working at the Whole Foods playing warehouses hanging around places like the Radio Shack, screaming that I used to know you and you'll be there in the lights and you'll be all beautiful and shit.

Lelaina Pierce: Oh, Troy. No, no, no. That'll never happen. They would never hire you at Whole Foods.

Troy Dyer: You see, Lainie, this is all we need... a couple of smokes, a cup of coffee. And a little bit of conversation.You and me and five bucks.

jabber-thon!

got a new journal. yay! am happy like a kid about it. a leather journal at that. my birthday present from my sister, among other things. a bit of a story behind the reason as to why particularly a leather bound one.. :)
so now probably i will stop my obsessive postings on this page!

what else... hmmm...
well, i have been allocated to a new client. the assignment sounds pretty interesting to be honest. and fun. hopefully will have some interesting team members as well!
also, am thinking of following a new routine. the one which starts with early morning jogs, followed by a couple of hours devoted to studies. and then work. ofcourse this works for those days when i dont have classes. but on those days guess will have to be happy with a couple of hours in the evening for both the things.

AAAAAAAAANND! am joining THIS for some motivation . Supporters are welcome to volunteer and mail me. much obliged.. :)

Now what do i call this?

a half baked belief...
a half painted picture...
a half created chimera...
a half  delusive design.

life in bits and pieces...
framed and depicted...
castles built of glass...
floating in the air.

project what you might...
hide where you can...
fake as much nonchalance...
the light shines through.