... It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishment the scroll,

i AM the master of my fate:

i AM the captain of my scroll.

The one up above has His own was of making you aware of your insignificance in this world. One minute you are cribbing about how difficult everything around you is, when something happens that shakes you, and how. One minute you are sitting there, thinking that the biggest problem in this world right now is how to prepare for your exam tomorrow, and not think of anything that screws with your head. The fact that you are somehow managing to do that fills you with pride, makes you smug regarding how wonderfully capable you are of dealing with the biggest of problems.

The next second, you are bombarded with the news of sudden death of someone you practically grew up around, someone who was there when you were born, a part of that wonderful extended family that you grew up with, someone who was present at every important occasion since you were born. He was a part of that circle which has been a family since day one, for all practical purposes, people you have laughed with, laughed at, whose kids are your friends, whose wives are your mother's friends.. one of your dad's closest friends. You have grown up listening to the stories of how the five of these friends did this together, did that together, what vagabonds they were, how they had each other's back through EVERYTHING.

It shakes you, especially since just the other day he had been over at your place, laughing with your dad, having a good time. 

But even that doesn't have the same effect on you, as the sight and sound of your father. The man who has been your ideal always, who has been strong and positive through everything, your rock, the support of so many, not just his family... to see him affected. To see him grieve the loss of his friend. The one who, though older than him, always somehow brought out his protective side. To hear the catch in your dad's voice when he calls you from his friend's place, midday, to check on you, to see if you're doing ok... no words can express it. It twists your gut, changes your perception of the world, how you view it. THAT... can make you cry, even if the news of the death itself did not. Your heart goes out to him, everytime you think of how this very morning, before the news of the death, he was trying to cheer you up, making tea for you, how he got up early just to wake you up early... and how someone else's father will never be able to do any of this anymore. How Moushmi, Siddhart, Amrita, Supriya aunty will never be able to see their baba again, her husband again. How the 'Five' will never be the same again... Daddy, Raju uncle, Deepak uncle, Mukul Tauji, Sonu Uncle... the last one no more...

And all it took was a stupid drunk fuck who hit him, killed him and ran away. Fuck you, you hear me?! If there is any justice in this world, you won't one day of peace in your life from now on! Fuck you straight to hell! I hope you go through hell for every tear that is wept, everytime those poor kids realize their father is never coming back home, for everytime there is something for which the family needs Sonu Uncle.

May you find all the peace up there in heaven uncle, that ever eluded you here. And don't ever worry about the ones you left behind. They will always be taken care of.

JUM TAASH!

This is the third year in a row that i have missed both, the Dusshera and Diwali celebrations. And it sucks. For a lot of people it might be something ordinary, almost old fashioned. But they weren't born in this 'great Mathur clan' (as somebody has started addressing it! :) )

Holi, Rakhi, Dusshera, Diwali... they are many of those numerous occasions on which the entire extended family comes together to celebrate the occasion. Ofcourse, these are but excuses for meeting up and the bonhomie, for which there are plenty of other chances THROUGHOUT the year, but when you are born in this family, and take it for granted, the loneliness that hits you when you're not a part of it.. it's palpable.

Diwali and Dusshera usually entail a lot of preparations. Like, about two weeks in advance, it's decided as to who will be playing the host. Then, the yummy food items, drinks, snacks etc are distributed.

On the D Day, once you get to the destination, you loaf around, sit on the white bedsheet with 'Saket wale babaji/ nana/ chacha*' (that's what we call the septuagenarian, my dad's uncle!), who teaches the kids of the family how to play cards and various card tricks, while waiting for everyone to turn up.

Once all the families are there, everyone sits together for the puja. The funniest part is the ''current'' bit, where everyone is supposed to connect with someone, who is connected to the person in front of them, who is..till you are connected to the direct source of connection with God. Gives everyone plenty of chances to poke, pinch or annoy each other!

Once puja is over, everyone sits down to have the mithai and paapris and pudina chutney and all other assorted things which different families prepare and get, which are graded by the elders of the family. (And no one gets higher than 6, unless ofcourse, their paapris are exceptionally crisp and yummy!)

Post this comes the card session, where a special white bed sheet is laid, drinks prepared and distributed, and everyone gets down to business. Ooh, and there are two groups of these as well.. one, where the stakes are quite low, and the other, where they are comparatively higher. Initiation of the wee ones into the game is a (pseudo!) formal way of bringing the kids out, much like the official introduction of the kids-who-are-now-all-grown-up to to alcohol! Yes, you got that right! People in our family actually introduce the wee ones to their first sip of alcohol, sometimes when they are as young as a year or so old! :) ( Ofcourse, it is but a sip of their dad's scotch or Ramesh babaji*'s beer mug at that age! But still.. could any family be cooler?! )

Around 4-4.30, everyone is reminded of the lunch, which as already mentioned, is a pot luck. Some of the typical Mathur dishes are matar ki tahiri (matar/pea pulao), kadhi chawal, mutton pulao, mutton koftas, chicken curry, roomali roti (the paper thin soft white roti), bakar khani, (the sweet brown bread that's made only in Old Delhi)... (sob! makes me wanna drop the pizza am having right now).

Again, the pseudo grading of the preparations and the leg pulling ensues. Oh boy, everyone in my family is fond of pulling each other's leg and making that occasional jibe!

Once the lunch is over, comes the second session of cards. This time, the ones who are in the red, try and buck up their game and even things out soon as they can. 

Around 5.30, they usually deal the last game, post which is the "good luck" game, where in, open cards are dealt, 3 times, and in which everyone, including the tiny tots, has his cards dealt. Packing of the last deal signals the packing up of the game, which is followed by a mug of steaming hot tea, prepared in a HUUUUGE utensil. Everyone sits around for another hour or so, lazily sipping their tea and gossiping or making plans of the next party or occasion or discussing anything and everything which of common interest to most. Once done, everyone disperses to go back.

And this time, considering my parents' itinerary, i don't think they will be back anytime soon, which means i will be home all alone till then...

How i hate this! :'(

UNTITLED

Hey, man I'm alive I'm takin' each day and night at a time

I'm feelin' like a Monday but someday I'll be Saturday night...

Ever been in a situation where you realize that your weakest moment is but a revelation of your true self? How, when you are at your worst, you suddenly realize what it takes to survive. And that survive you can, on your own, without a shoulder, without any support.

Hell, at that point it doesn’t seem possible. It isn’t, not when months’ worth of frustration, anger, pressure, pent up emotions, uncertainty and whatever else suddenly burst out of you. They have you lying on the floor, shouting, crying, broken. It feels like nothing can take away from that pain. You, in your last attempt, summon whatever little self control you can, and call your best friend. But he, groggy from sleep, can’t understand you, nor can he stand your incoherence and refusal to divulge the details and reasons. You cut the call, and finally let yourself go. In the house, all alone, aching for someone, anyone to be with, you let go. You tear a tee to pieces, with your bare hands, hoping that would help the rage. You spend yourself, letting it all out.

Once you’re done, you sit up. Look around you. Try to gather yourself. Tell yourself you are strong enough, can handle it. You go back to what you were doing. You keep at it, urging yourself on, telling yourself you are more than capable to deal with it.

You feel better. A couple of hours later, you call another friend, looking for a much needed diversion, but unable to talk to him about whatever had happened. But he is angry with you. You’ve somehow unknowingly distressed him. You try and explain, but you are in no condition to argue your point. He hangs up on you. You make one last effort, then you let it be.

Then comes the second breakdown for the day, something new for you as well. But thankfully, your mother is home now. You can put your arms around her and vent, simply cry for the next half hour. Surprisingly, she understands the need for silence, and doesn’t plague you for reasons.

And you melt down, once again. Not as badly as before, but you do.

Two hours down, you are sane again. You’ve decided to stop being such a wreck and to sort yourself, for the sake of your sanity more than anything else. And fight it you do. All by yourself, not letting anyone see, for a second, the storm raging in your head. It’s taken you 2-3 days, but slowly, you have come to terms with the reality- once again. What’s that? It’s simple really...

When it really comes down to it, it’s just you. And that’s enough.

AGONIES OF THE INTERWEB

i am scared of the social media. and the fear, already of phobia proportions, is going to last a while i think. it evades your privacy, your mind space, can be used as a tool to either make or break something.. you name it, and it's possible. i don't like it. i detest it. suddenly. i just do.
hi5, orkut, facebook, blogger, twitter, linkedin, youtube.. hell, even y! messenger, gtalk, windows messenger... i've used everything.. EVERYTHING. i just feel like running away in the other direction when i think of it or hear about anymore. i guess it's just started ruling my life too much... not to mention the monotony that's set in. know that feeling when you looking at someone's wedding pictures, or farewell pics, people you haven't ever talked with while you were in college or school or wherever, and you have a million things to do, and like a moron, you sit and look at them and analyze their clothes. and god forbid you point them out to a friend on phone! there goes a good hour or two down the drain. ofcourse, the laughs and those gossip sessions are fun, but only while you talking. once done, hello guilty conscience! also, once you done, the whole "hmmm... what if someone else is sitting there, doing the exact same thing with MY pics and date?"... exactly. horrible feeling that.

YouTube! the boony bane of my existence! booney bane? well..that's when you get addicted to something, love it, every minute of it, but still know you should be as far away as possible from it!

not to mention what a voyeur it has made of all of us, me included. everything is out there, your every action, open to people's scrutiny, intrusion. either you go hide everything every second, or simply stop using it (rather difficult, considering 90% socializing happens online these days!), or just get used to it. that reality just hit home, a few days back, when someone i hadn't connected with for ages suddenly popped up in my gtalk window and started talking with me. to his usual queries of "whats up?", i was answering with the socially accepted "not much, you tell me.." when he is like.."come on! you got so much happening!" and "who is she? who is he? where is this pic from? what is this thing..." and so on. freaked me out. yes, it did. 

enough to get me off this damned thing (ALL THESE THINGS!) for a while at least!

hmmm.. might seem a little contradictory to everyone, considering i am still typing here, was active on facebook not too long ago, and watched a coupla videos on youtube a few minutes back. but this is my last interaction for a while now. rest assured...

toodles! see you when i see you next!

__________________________________________

UNTITLED

saw the writing on the wall last night...
a sense of deja vu is what describes it...
refuse to ignore the alarm bells this time...
choices have been made, once again...
and no explanations whatsoever could justify them..
not this time... not again.
'Self'will NOT be ignored... not again.

My Occurence

"See, with Ben, it's either of the 2 things- either your instincts are right, or your brain is trying to protect you from something. I say you've got pretty good instincts. Trust them..."


Hmm... 


HOLD ON HOPE- GUIDED BY VOICES
Every street is dark
And folding out mysteriously
Where lies the chance we take to be
Always working
Reaching out for a hand that we
can't see
Everybody's got a hold on hope
It's the last thing that's holding me
Invitation to the last dance
Then it's time to leave
But that's the price we pay
when we deceive
One another/animal mother
She opens up for free
Everybody's got a hold on hope
It's the last thing that's
holding me
Look at the talkbox in mute
frustration
At the station
There hides the cowboy
His campfire flickering
on the landscape
That nothing grows on
But time still goes on
And through each life of misery
Everybody's got a hold on hope
It's the last thing that's holding me

IF IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE THE END OF THE ROAD, IT ISN'T...

ok... this is absolutely an unplanned post. as in, i had completely decided that i wouldn't be putting up anything more here till the time i was done with my exams. but then again, something got me here...

i was on my facebook page, just randomly going through the news feed on my home page, when i came across this image that someone had posted...

it said, focus on the red dot, and like the picture if the blue circle disappears. i usually pass things like these, but since Rishabh had liked this post, i decided to give it a go. and turns out that the blue circle actually disappears. now i dont wish to get into the scientific or psychological aspects of this.. but the reason this image had me writing this post was, it brought things back in perspective for me.

i haven't exactly been in the best of spirits recently. i hate talking about it because it gets everyone else around me all concerned and worried and they try and help me in any way they can, without realizing that they can't do anything about it unless i decide to help myself... anyway, so this pic reminded me of something i had written long back... and well, like i said, helped get things back in perspective..
this is the post i was talking about...

OF THE SUN AND THE CLOUDS...

FAR FROM HOME

Another day in this carnival of souls
Another night's sands end as quickly as it goes
The memories are shadows, ink on the page
And I can't seem to find my way home

And it's almost like your heaven's trying everything
Your heaven's trying everything to keep me out
All the places I've been and things I've seen
A million stories that made up a million shattered dreams
The faces of people I'll never see again
And I can't seem to find my way home

'Cause it's almost like your heaven's trying everything to break me down
'Cause it's almost like your heaven's trying everything to keep me out

'Cause it's almost like your heaven's trying everything to break me down
'Cause it's almost like your heaven's trying everything
Your heaven's trying everything to break me down
To break me down, to break me down

Your heaven's trying everything
Your heaven's trying everything to break me down

BETTER MAN

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man

Go easy on my conscience
'Cause it's not my fault
I know I've been taught
To take the blame

Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
I'm in pain

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man

Once you've found that lover
You're homeward bound
Love is all around
Love is all around

I know some have fallen
On stony ground
But Love is all around

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doin' all I can
To be a better man

TO THE FAMILIAR STRANGER...

Thank you for giving me something i didn't even know i needed. For being so unassuming and sorted. For the laughter and the jokes. For stepping in unobtrusively and drawing me out ever so quietly.
I don't know what i did to inspire such an open act of friendship. But whatever it is, I am glad i did...


M

She..

She wants to cry, but the tears won't come out.
She wants to talk, but the words won't come out.
She is scared. Petrified. Nervous. Agitated.
It's happening again..
She is clamming up..
And this time, the stakes are higher than they have ever been..
What does she do?
It is paralyzing her it seems. Or something inside her. She can sense it, sense the cold existence of that black cloud. But it's still so intangible.
And yet, she can't seem to react. It's making her go hide behind the walls and look at everything from a detached third person perspective. She can't talk about it, she can't express herself. She hears, but she doesn't listen, she speaks before she can think.. she is so absent minded.
But it's there, it's always there.
And it's scaring her..
Where words fail her, her psyche is acting up. It affects what she says, what she thinks, what she doesn't think, how she simply keeps running away from things, how she pays attention to what is absolutely unnecessary just because it gives her that much more time to hide.
First time in ages that she is being able to use words to express it, and now that she has started, they are flowing, and just won't stop..
She sees all that she is doing, she can see herself wreck it all, sabotage her own life, everything that she has worked for...
But she feels incapable of doing anything about it...
Because she is so far away. Because everything seems to be happening to a third person.
She needs faith... an answer... Something to believe in... Something that gets through her, affects her, penetrates through this iron shield that her protective reflexes have erected around her, making her incapable of really feeling, perceiving, understanding...

Read Somewhere...

"may the best of our past be the worst of our future"... 

Teardrops

Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath
Gentle impulsion
Shakes me, makes me lighter
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Nine nights of matter
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my...

Water is my eye
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath
Teardrop on the fire
Of a confession
Fearless on my breath
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

You're stumbling a little
You're stumbling a little

SOUND OF SILENCE

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

"Fools", said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you"
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls"
And whispered in the sounds of silence

A NONSENSICAL LAMENT

I WANT TO RUN AWAY! FROM IT ALL. ALL. EVERYTHING. EVERYONE.
I NEED A CHANGE. I WANT A CHANGE.
choices. it's all about choices. the choices we make, for whatever reason.
sigh... if only i was as perfect and brilliant as DC thinks i am. If only i could have it all by simply snapping my fingers.

FOOLS RUSH IN WHERE ANGELS FEAR TO TREAD?

ditch. same. detour. options. change. proximity. uncertainty. stagnation. instability. void. clarity. clear headed. upbeat. comfort. change. ease. levity. care. interest. circle. same. addiction. confusion.
______________________________________

..Little child
Be not afraid
The storm clouds mask your beloved moon
And its candlelight beams
Still keep pleasant dreams
I am here tonight


...In the morning

Everything's fine in the morning
The rain will be gone in the morning
But I'll still be here in the morning