OH, THE WISDOM OF CUSTOMS!

When it comes to Indian weddings, odd traditions and rituals are not an unheard or unexpected thing. You try and prepare yourself for the weirdest, but certain things when they come to your knowledge, still manage to leave you dumbfounded. One such thing is an experience that I heard of for the first time from a cousin who got married a few years back, and went through, and which (let me be very clear in stating) I didn't remotely like.. And that is this odd ritual of a sister in law being allowed to pick up and keep any of the many sarees/garments that come in your troeussuee. The poor girl had QUITE a few SILs, who somehow ended up picking all her carefully selected, colourful pieces, and left the drabbest of the lot for her!

Yep, apparently they have the liberty to just put their hand into the suitcase, and pick up whatever they like. The fact that each of those garments has been carefully and tastefully selected by you for yourself, that you might hate to part with it, that it might have cost a bomb are apparently of no consequence whatsoever. You're supposed to just open the bag, and stand in a corner allowing them to sift through the precious things and take whatever they fancy!
Now I'm a very understanding person usually, and have surprising patience and forbearance when it comes to many of these odd traditions. But there happen to be certain things that make my head swirl at the very thought, confusing me as to what I'd like to do more.. a) put my two cents worth of wisdom across the table and try to at least discourage the lameness and stupidity I see, or b) keep quiet and simply ridicule the whole thing in my own head. This is one of those things. I'm amused and unimpressed with this whole nonsense in equal measure for many reasons, some of which are stated below:

1. You and your parents put in a lot of effort in picking every individual item lovingly, smiling and discussing each and every thing that you pick. Why does someone have the right to take it without your permission?!

2. Selecting your troeussuee is one time where you don't budget much, going for the beauty over the value. each and every piece that goes in is usually expensive,  that money being spent by your parents lovingly on YOU. How can anyone else put their claim over it?!

3. There are times when  there's a reasonable enough explanation to the most bizarre of customs, which, when explained, you can at least wrap your head around. If there's any sense around, things would be the other way round, where the new member of the family was welcomed with gifts by members of the family on entering the house. What sense can THIS one make?!

4. The new entrant of the house is supposed to open up her bags, and her stuff (and hence her heart maybe??)  to the daughters of the house.. But why isn't there a return obligation for the daughters to do the same for her? Would they be willing to let her pick absolutely anything from their precious sartorial collection and trinkets, and shower some lowwwve in return?!

5. There are so many gifts, things etc already being given to each and every member of the family.. What's the NEED for this in that scenario?!

6. Even if you absolutely have to, why can't you simply pick up stuff yourself (big enough gesture if you ask me), and give it.. Why the random selection?!

I don't understand what kind of "love all" emotion does this promote? If anything, I think it just leads to grudges on the very first day! It's so ridiculous, even the idea makes me scoff!

Ah well.. To each his/her own! If those involved dont complain, then who am I to!

DISCLAIMER - let me clearly state that I'm aware that this doesn't happen everywhere, including my own family! It's by no means a generalization. This is just a not so subtle opinion piece on the oddity of things, completely based on the story told to me by a particular person. Thoughts and opinions here are entirely my own, and you're more than welcome to disagree.

My father's daughter..

Things don't ever make as much sense as they do in the shower. And some riddles that are there in your head for aeons take a few seconds to suddenly make sense, although even the solution doesn't make life any easier to be honest.

My mother and my sister are constantly telling me how alike my father and I are.. In habits, in tastes, in our walk, in our talk, in our gestures, and even our sleep patterns! Is it any wonder that some of the struggles I'm facing right now (and have for a while) are the same as his? The pain I'm going through right now is exactly the same as he went through when he was my age, the difficulties the same. How do I know? He's described it to me, tried to warn me against it, encouraged me to take action before it came to this. But I guess it was inevitable. To realize the value of a few things (not the least of them being time and value of perseverance alongside intelligence), I think it was predestined that I go through this.. To discover myself, what I want (still figuring THAT one out!), and what I don't want. To learn the art of patience and temperance. To go through the breakdowns to achieve the level of supposed invincibility.

Anyway.. I digress, getting carried away by the power of the written word.

The point is, I just realized that I can do it, it can happen for me as well. And the 'can' will change into 'will' only when I throw the negativity out. And how can that be impossible? Our lucks are probably designed the same way.. I'm my father's daughter after all.

Calm.. Why do you have to always be calm. Why can't you roar when you're angry,  or cry when you're hurting. Or throw things, break things when you're raging within? Why is it that even in an outpouring of such tumultuous emotions you've got to watch what you say or do, paying more heed to how it might hurt others than to that dire need to vent?

I don't know.. Maybe it's because it's the things or people that you love the most, that make you this angry, or have that power to hurt you. Maybe it's what they say or think that affects you the most. And those are the very things or people that you wish to protect, even as you battle the urge to hurt them.

I'm scared of ever unleashing the full fury of my anger on anyone. There's nobody I know who I feel is strong enough to withstand it, to not get burnt. I guess that's the reason why most of such times I'm alone by myself, where the only who has to bear the brunt of it all is me, or my own things. And when I can't be myself in my anger, when I can't allow myself that luxury of self destruction before being reborn, I wish to escape, to run away.. Leave behind all that's causing the unbearable pain. Heh. These are the times when I think I'm glad I don't own a car. Else who knows where I would be now..

Aakash ka soonapan, mere tanha mann mein..

What does one do when they feel absolutely alone even in a room bustling with people? Of course, not always, but on occasion? When it feels like no matter the love all around, in varied forms and degrees, you don't belong there? Infact, when you feel that you don't belong anywhere that you could fathom! That feeling of hopeless dejection, where there are so many around, but still you feel lost and vulnerable, and the smallest thing has the power to break your heart, and the others around you just don't see it? And it feels like it's not just one or two people who make you feel that way, but everyone? What, when you know that you don't fit any specific moulds that have been created for most people to fit into, to be accepted as per varying societal norms?

And I'm so afraid that this is how my life is always going to be.. I mean, what if I feel the same way when I'm married and living with my new family? If there are so many mutual issues with people who probably love me the most in the world, how will it be with those who don't even remotely know me? What will I do then? Who will I go to then? Will I always be confused? Will I always feel this alone?

How is it that though we give so much importance to love, love can't always be the only thing sufficient? It can't substitute understanding each other, it can't substitute the need to feel accepted just the way you are, without judgement, without preconceived notions.

How do you make people understand that when you love someone so dearly, and they love you back equally, it's still not enough till you completely and whole heartedly accept them the way they are, and not just  for the present, but forever. I mean, would it be true love if the person I am with would accept me just as I am - nagging, bossy, opinionated, less than delicate, with no real professional achievements to boast of even at 26, or qualities to brag about, as a girlfriend and a lover, but expect me to change when it comes to marriage, to mould myself into the caricature of someone more 'suitable' with respect to the wants of all those around him? Wouldn't in that case it been better for him to have gone for a woman more suited to his requirement via the route of an arranged match? And in the case where all these scenarios were true, what would I have done with my life? Would I have resigned myself to my fate and agreed to everything that's expected out of me, or would I have agreed to most things with bad grace, but in the process become bitter and indifferent towards the one who professed to love me but wasn't strong enough to stand for me? Or, another scenario still, would I have walked out of such a relationship  never to turn back again towards either him or his family or my own, who, to be honest, had never understood me any better than him?
I'd like to believe I would be courageous enough to choose the last alternative.. To walk away from all the toxin all around me, to breathe freely for the first time in my life and follow the dreams that I see now, and have seen for years? To FINALLY colour my future with my own palette of colours.

Now, before anyone starts making assumptions that this is the kind of relationship I'm currently in, I'd like to correct them..
A) I've recently read a few posts on this blog where men have treated women less than fairly which has made me think of these various grim scenarios, at least the parts applicable on me.
B) I'm with the most wonderful man its possible to find. I love him and trust him to the extent that when I am upset, it's only the thought of him, and the assurance that he's there that helps me hold myself together. And it's this very love and trust that scares me. I am scared of things ever changing, of ANY possible scenarios where this love, trust and faith on either end are compromised.

I often wonder who would I then run to, looking for shelter..

Just sinking in.. The fiancé has already been asked to join us for two of the upcoming typical Mathur occasions. That's obviously besides the fact that he's now a regular at my own home on almost every occasion. While my cousins have merely restricted it to calling him 'charming', one of my uncles actually said that if he was a woman, he would totally marry him. What is this world coming to?! Same time this year we wondering what would it be, how would things turn out. Now we know.. He has invaded the Mathur turf, and is slowly taking over..

... Am not sure I mind much though. :)

SALVATION

... And in the end, we all are nothing but lost souls looking for different meanings at various points of life to, to find our salvation. Funny how, subconsciously, we always look for it outside though, never truly satisfied with what we see within. Funnier still how when we consciously look outside we look for something that makes us feel better about ourselves inside!

Do you ever feel like a ship in the middle of a sea, standing tall and proud.. But anchorless and without the control of its sails, but drifting along.. Waiting for the wind to push it in whatever direction it deems fit..

WHAT I KNOW NOW

this is a letter written by Maya Angelou to her younger self, as appeared in a volume of the above mentioned name..

Dear Marguerite,

You’re itching to be on your own. You don’t want anybody telling you what time you have to be in at night or how to raise your baby. You’re going to leave your mother’s big comfortable house and she won’t stop you, because she knows you too well.

But listen to what she says:

When you walk out of my door, don’t let anybody raise you — you’ve been raised.

You know right from wrong.

In every relationship you make, you’ll have to show readiness to adjust and make adaptations.

Remember, you can always come home.

You will go home again when the world knocks you down — or when you fall down in full view of the world. But only for two or three weeks at a time. Your mother will pamper you and feed you your favorite meal of red beans and rice. You’ll make a practice of going home so she can liberate you again — one of the greatest gifts, along with nurturing your courage, that she will give you.

Be courageous, but not foolhardy.

Walk proud as you are,

Maya