THE BANE OF HAPPINESS

A sudden realization... there is no such thing as unadulterated happiness. THAT state of being is a myth. Know why? Well, simply because of this little thing called 'the bane of happiness'. Don't know what that is?

Well, know that moment when everything is in its right place, the Gods are smiling at you, and that disturbing feeling is completely at rest? The moment when the universe seems to be as it ought to be and you feel you in your happy place.. well, that is when the blinds are lifted off your eyes, off their own, and you see things the way they really truly are. What had been wrong all this while, what was it that had been bothering you. Where you finally have the courage to call a spade a spade, thus revealing your Self to your self. Understand the distinction?

You see yourself for who you really are, and not as how you would like to perceive yourself.  You see your follies, the wrongs done to none other but the Self, in this mad rush of going for something you believed was more important than that fabulous being which lay unnoticed and ignored within you all this while. You stifled it, gagged it, and shackled it. You didn't let it speak up. And all this while you wondered exactly why it was that you were unhappy.

How CAN you be happy when you ignore your own wants and needs, undermine your Self so blatantly, in pursuit of everything else that is but temporary and fluid? That one constant which is forever a part of you... you ignored it for a fleeting glimpse of a glamorous mirage? How is it that everything else and everyone else becaome more important? What made you run so far from yourself? A need for approval? A need for affection? Attention? Recognition? Why would anyone bother with you, when you so grossly refuse to value yourself?!

You want success, money, recognition. You dream, you aspire, you desire. You are ambitious. And in pursuit of these things, you choose to ignore yourself. How can you achieve these, when you don't listen to what lies inside you, your only guide.

That feeling of dissatisfaction... doesn't it eat away at it all, slowly but steadily? Oh yes it does. It saps you of your willpower, you determination, your motivation. What are those dreams and fantasies then? A farce, nothing more. A farce which you use to delude yourself and those around you- How utterly driven, everything pointing towards but one word, S.U.C.C.E.S.S

But what are you really? You don't exactly know, but nothing close to your dream YOU for sure!

For what are you, who are you, when you refuse to show your true feelings, emotions, wants, preferences, choices? Every Yes when you wanted to say a No and vice versa...it takes you further away from your dream. And one fine day you forget what it really was in the first place. You wake up, and are confused as to where you are at that moment. You don't know. But you still don't forget to expect OTHERS to figure it out for you. The ones whom you so blindly followed all this while at the cost of your Self. Ones, who were not foolish enough to commit the same mistakes as you. And you expect THEM to somehow show you the way. But why should they? Did they force you to do what you did? Ofcourse not! But how do you explain what made you do it... that you were scared of what you might have to do, the effort you might have to put if you did listen to yourself.
And when you see this realization dawn in their eyes, it makes you shrink away. And reassess.
For THIS is when you see yourself for what you came close to becoming.

Thank heavens for realizations and those little mercies. Heh.