Sunday, November 9, 2014


"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you, no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain't gonna have a life."

Sylvester Stallone, Rocky Balboa

Sunday, November 2, 2014

This world is a funny place indeed. Or maybe the inhabitants make it so?
Always looking for kinks and chinks in your armour, that one small thing that can undo you. Forbearance just can't be accepted. It's all about mind play and gaining that upper hand. That satisfaction of saying in one's mind, "Ha! Gotcha!" on discovering your weakness, and using that discovery wherever required to step over you, hold you back.. To keep you in line, to keep you behind 'self', to to keep you in check, to keep their control. Parents, lovers, siblings, teachers, competitors, bosses, society.. They all do it. To you, to me, to him, to her.

And then they wonder.. why doesn't he open up, why doesn't he share their pain. Are we not his own? Who else would do it but us?

Friday, October 31, 2014


When it comes to Indian weddings, odd traditions and rituals are not an unheard or unexpected thing. You try and prepare yourself for the weirdest, but certain things when they come to your knowledge, still manage to leave you dumbfounded. One such thing is an experience that I heard of for the first time from a cousin who got married a few years back, and went through, and which (let me be very clear in stating) I didn't remotely like.. And that is this odd ritual of a sister in law being allowed to pick up and keep any of the many sarees/garments that come in your troeussuee. The poor girl had QUITE a few SILs, who somehow ended up picking all her carefully selected, colourful pieces, and left the drabbest of the lot for her!

Yep, apparently they have the liberty to just put their hand into the suitcase, and pick up whatever they like. The fact that each of those garments has been carefully and tastefully selected by you for yourself, that you might hate to part with it, that it might have cost a bomb are apparently of no consequence whatsoever. You're supposed to just open the bag, and stand in a corner allowing them to sift through the precious things and take whatever they fancy!
Now I'm a very understanding person usually, and have surprising patience and forbearance when it comes to many of these odd traditions. But there happen to be certain things that make my head swirl at the very thought, confusing me as to what I'd like to do more.. a) put my two cents worth of wisdom across the table and try to at least discourage the lameness and stupidity I see, or b) keep quiet and simply ridicule the whole thing in my own head. This is one of those things. I'm amused and unimpressed with this whole nonsense in equal measure for many reasons, some of which are stated below:

1. You and your parents put in a lot of effort in picking every individual item lovingly, smiling and discussing each and every thing that you pick. Why does someone have the right to take it without your permission?!

2. Selecting your troeussuee is one time where you don't budget much, going for the beauty over the value. each and every piece that goes in is usually expensive,  that money being spent by your parents lovingly on YOU. How can anyone else put their claim over it?!

3. There are times when  there's a reasonable enough explanation to the most bizarre of customs, which, when explained, you can at least wrap your head around. If there's any sense around, things would be the other way round, where the new member of the family was welcomed with gifts by members of the family on entering the house. What sense can THIS one make?!

4. The new entrant of the house is supposed to open up her bags, and her stuff (and hence her heart maybe??)  to the daughters of the house.. But why isn't there a return obligation for the daughters to do the same for her? Would they be willing to let her pick absolutely anything from their precious sartorial collection and trinkets, and shower some lowwwve in return?!

5. There are so many gifts, things etc already being given to each and every member of the family.. What's the NEED for this in that scenario?!

6. Even if you absolutely have to, why can't you simply pick up stuff yourself (big enough gesture if you ask me), and give it.. Why the random selection?!

I don't understand what kind of "love all" emotion does this promote? If anything, I think it just leads to grudges on the very first day! It's so ridiculous, even the idea makes me scoff!

Ah well.. To each his/her own! If those involved dont complain, then who am I to!

DISCLAIMER - let me clearly state that I'm aware that this doesn't happen everywhere, including my own family! It's by no means a generalization. This is just a not so subtle opinion piece on the oddity of things, completely based on the story told to me by a particular person. Thoughts and opinions here are entirely my own, and you're more than welcome to disagree.

Monday, October 27, 2014

My father's daughter..

Things don't ever make as much sense as they do in the shower. And some riddles that are there in your head for aeons take a few seconds to suddenly make sense, although even the solution doesn't make life any easier to be honest.

My mother and my sister are constantly telling me how alike my father and I are.. In habits, in tastes, in our walk, in our talk, in our gestures, and even our sleep patterns! Is it any wonder that some of the struggles I'm facing right now (and have for a while) are the same as his? The pain I'm going through right now is exactly the same as he went through when he was my age, the difficulties the same. How do I know? He's described it to me, tried to warn me against it, encouraged me to take action before it came to this. But I guess it was inevitable. To realize the value of a few things (not the least of them being time and value of perseverance alongside intelligence), I think it was predestined that I go through this.. To discover myself, what I want (still figuring THAT one out!), and what I don't want. To learn the art of patience and temperance. To go through the breakdowns to achieve the level of supposed invincibility.

Anyway.. I digress, getting carried away by the power of the written word.

The point is, I just realized that I can do it, it can happen for me as well. And the 'can' will change into 'will' only when I throw the negativity out. And how can that be impossible? Our lucks are probably designed the same way.. I'm my father's daughter after all.

Calm.. Why do you have to always be calm. Why can't you roar when you're angry,  or cry when you're hurting. Or throw things, break things when you're raging within? Why is it that even in an outpouring of such tumultuous emotions you've got to watch what you say or do, paying more heed to how it might hurt others than to that dire need to vent?

I don't know.. Maybe it's because it's the things or people that you love the most, that make you this angry, or have that power to hurt you. Maybe it's what they say or think that affects you the most. And those are the very things or people that you wish to protect, even as you battle the urge to hurt them.

I'm scared of ever unleashing the full fury of my anger on anyone. There's nobody I know who I feel is strong enough to withstand it, to not get burnt. I guess that's the reason why most of such times I'm alone by myself, where the only who has to bear the brunt of it all is me, or my own things. And when I can't be myself in my anger, when I can't allow myself that luxury of self destruction before being reborn, I wish to escape, to run away.. Leave behind all that's causing the unbearable pain. Heh. These are the times when I think I'm glad I don't own a car. Else who knows where I would be now..

Friday, October 24, 2014

Aakash ka soonapan, mere tanha mann mein..

What does one do when they feel absolutely alone even in a room bustling with people? Of course, not always, but on occasion? When it feels like no matter the love all around, in varied forms and degrees, you don't belong there? Infact, when you feel that you don't belong anywhere that you could fathom! That feeling of hopeless dejection, where there are so many around, but still you feel lost and vulnerable, and the smallest thing has the power to break your heart, and the others around you just don't see it? And it feels like it's not just one or two people who make you feel that way, but everyone? What, when you know that you don't fit any specific moulds that have been created for most people to fit into, to be accepted as per varying societal norms?

And I'm so afraid that this is how my life is always going to be.. I mean, what if I feel the same way when I'm married and living with my new family? If there are so many mutual issues with people who probably love me the most in the world, how will it be with those who don't even remotely know me? What will I do then? Who will I go to then? Will I always be confused? Will I always feel this alone?

How is it that though we give so much importance to love, love can't always be the only thing sufficient? It can't substitute understanding each other, it can't substitute the need to feel accepted just the way you are, without judgement, without preconceived notions.

How do you make people understand that when you love someone so dearly, and they love you back equally, it's still not enough till you completely and whole heartedly accept them the way they are, and not just  for the present, but forever. I mean, would it be true love if the person I am with would accept me just as I am - nagging, bossy, opinionated, less than delicate, with no real professional achievements to boast of even at 26, or qualities to brag about, as a girlfriend and a lover, but expect me to change when it comes to marriage, to mould myself into the caricature of someone more 'suitable' with respect to the wants of all those around him? Wouldn't in that case it been better for him to have gone for a woman more suited to his requirement via the route of an arranged match? And in the case where all these scenarios were true, what would I have done with my life? Would I have resigned myself to my fate and agreed to everything that's expected out of me, or would I have agreed to most things with bad grace, but in the process become bitter and indifferent towards the one who professed to love me but wasn't strong enough to stand for me? Or, another scenario still, would I have walked out of such a relationship  never to turn back again towards either him or his family or my own, who, to be honest, had never understood me any better than him?
I'd like to believe I would be courageous enough to choose the last alternative.. To walk away from all the toxin all around me, to breathe freely for the first time in my life and follow the dreams that I see now, and have seen for years? To FINALLY colour my future with my own palette of colours.

Now, before anyone starts making assumptions that this is the kind of relationship I'm currently in, I'd like to correct them..
A) I've recently read a few posts on this blog where men have treated women less than fairly which has made me think of these various grim scenarios, at least the parts applicable on me.
B) I'm with the most wonderful man its possible to find. I love him and trust him to the extent that when I am upset, it's only the thought of him, and the assurance that he's there that helps me hold myself together. And it's this very love and trust that scares me. I am scared of things ever changing, of ANY possible scenarios where this love, trust and faith on either end are compromised.

I often wonder who would I then run to, looking for shelter..

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Just sinking in.. The fiancé has already been asked to join us for two of the upcoming typical Mathur occasions. That's obviously besides the fact that he's now a regular at my own home on almost every occasion. While my cousins have merely restricted it to calling him 'charming', one of my uncles actually said that if he was a woman, he would totally marry him. What is this world coming to?! Same time this year we wondering what would it be, how would things turn out. Now we know.. He has invaded the Mathur turf, and is slowly taking over..

... Am not sure I mind much though. :)

Sunday, October 19, 2014


... And in the end, we all are nothing but lost souls looking for different meanings at various points of life to, to find our salvation. Funny how, subconsciously, we always look for it outside though, never truly satisfied with what we see within. Funnier still how when we consciously look outside we look for something that makes us feel better about ourselves inside!

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Do you ever feel like a ship in the middle of a sea, standing tall and proud.. But anchorless and without the control of its sails, but drifting along.. Waiting for the wind to push it in whatever direction it deems fit..

Friday, October 3, 2014


this is a letter written by Maya Angelou to her younger self, as appeared in a volume of the above mentioned name..

Dear Marguerite,

You’re itching to be on your own. You don’t want anybody telling you what time you have to be in at night or how to raise your baby. You’re going to leave your mother’s big comfortable house and she won’t stop you, because she knows you too well.

But listen to what she says:

When you walk out of my door, don’t let anybody raise you — you’ve been raised.

You know right from wrong.

In every relationship you make, you’ll have to show readiness to adjust and make adaptations.

Remember, you can always come home.

You will go home again when the world knocks you down — or when you fall down in full view of the world. But only for two or three weeks at a time. Your mother will pamper you and feed you your favorite meal of red beans and rice. You’ll make a practice of going home so she can liberate you again — one of the greatest gifts, along with nurturing your courage, that she will give you.

Be courageous, but not foolhardy.

Walk proud as you are,


Wednesday, August 27, 2014


Dad.. The silent solid wall
Mum.. The bridge, the lifeline of the entire house
Sister.. The confidante, the shadow
Nana.. The biggest wellwisher
Boyfriend (soon to be fiance).. The complimentary half that's my biggest support.

These five relationships are like pieces of my puzzle.. They sum up  my life and me in five sentences like nothing else can.

Friday, August 8, 2014

A 2 am ramble..

It's 2.32 in the morning, and I feel so ALONE right now..
The burden of my failure is crashing on me from every side,  even as my head throbs while I type. I've  spent the last one hour crying to myself, pitying myself, feeling sorry for myself.. And chiding myself for every lost opportunity..

But isn't this the same road you tread every six months!? Isn't this self doubt a sort of a part of your life by now? Why then do you wish for a friendly ear or a patient hug or a giant shoulder for your tears? My dear girl, you of all the people should be made of iron by now! And what right do you have to ask all this?! You've never really worked as hard for this degree as everybody else.. You have always considered yourself to be more intelligent than all of them.. Laughed at their accomplishment, patronizingly assuming that their result is not for their hard work and dedication but for their rote learning and lack of anything else remotely interesting enough in their lives to otherwise occupy them. You have always assumed that because you are a little intelligent, you have a higher claim on this world and what it has to offer? That's worse than any kind of dynastic mentality or any form of nepotism. Your pride, my dear girl, has royally and irrevocably come to fall. Now what are you going to do about it?

I don't know! I just don't know.. Do I leave this and look for something new? Or do I persevere more and hope that I work hard enough to truly change the tide? Do I have the guts to take up something new at this stage? Or am I willing to take on the challenge of conquering my demons and prove to everyone that I can actually still do whatever I aim for?

Whatever it is that you wish to do, know this.. There's no turning back. And there are no short cuts. You are either going to be in it with everything u got, or you might as well not try either and merely sit at home for some time longer.

Monday, August 4, 2014

If There Is A God..

Please dear God..
If you exist and if you care about me to pay attention to me, listen to what I have to say.. Please make my Nana okay. Take away his pain and make him happy and healthy, let him be happy and relaxed in the winter of his life.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Life is changing.. And then again, it isn't. Some aspects are about to change forever.. And the others are as stagnant as ever. Something new is now going to happen or change daily.. And some other things will remain stuck in their same old places, like they've been for years. My concern.. How's this fluidity on one hand, and this stagnation going to gel together??

Thursday, May 1, 2014


Lyrics to one of my favorite tracks of all times, along with the video (of course, the video doesn't include the prelude)..

This day and age we're living in
Gives cause for apprehension
With speed and new invention
And things like fourth dimension.

Yet we get a trifle weary
With Mr. Einstein's theory.
So we must get down to earth at times
Relax relieve the tension

And no matter what the progress
Or what may yet be proved
The simple facts of life are such
They cannot be removed.

Main Song
You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh.
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by.

And when two lovers woo
They still say, "I love you."
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings
As time goes by.

Moonlight and love songs
Never out of date.
Hearts full of passion
Jealousy and hate.
Woman needs man
And man must have his mate
That no one can deny.

It's still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die.
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.

Oh yes, the world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Growing Up Lessons 101

The Muslim music teacher is teaching Hey Ram (a hindi devotional song) to first graders in the school adjacent to my house, even as the Sikh headmistress talked about and explained the meaning and significance of Easter during the school assembly this morning.

It reminded me of our school days where we were taught the Shabad (the Sikh prayers), The Lord's Prayer and the Hindu devotional bhajans along with the other songs and anthems, and made to recite them as one unit, together, the whole school.

I am a Hindu girl who has studied her entire life in an all girls Christian (Protestant) school for fourteen years and grown up with kids of all religions and regions. Neither was a reference to your religious or regional background ever encouraged, but more importantly, nor was the need ever felt to refer to them. Why would you? Our uniforms were the same, the lengths of our skirts standard (mandatorily 3 inches above our knees, in case you're interested in knowing haha), the hair to be tied back, shoes to be polished and nails to be clipped. When we rebelled, by pulling our skirts further up or taking our shirts half out of the seems, or getting extra piercings or bringing cell phones to school (YES, there was a time when that was prohibited), or spray painting the washrooms on holi, or throwing pastries in the church compound because they tasted back (I'm not proud of it!), we did them together. Hell, we even got punished together, missing out on picnics, or being grounded on Children's Day. Nobody gave the culprits away because of religious or regional or casteist pettiness! As kids we were taught to not even consider or look at these paltry things, and it naturally never came to us to do so. We were young, carefree, lacking any kind of responsibility or obligation back then and happy in our own worlds!

And now, 8 years later, I see the world around me has changed. Not necessarily matured  but changed...and it wants me to change as well.

When people ask me my name, I tell them. Next they want to know my last name. Then they want to know if I'm Panjabi. My saying I am not isn't sufficient. They insist on knowing my caste and if I don't, they look at me like I'm the village idiot. Tired of being asked the same thing plenty of times, at the age of 23, I finally asked my parents, "what ARE Mathurs?" They said, "Kayasthas", and that was that. They didn't give any further explanation (they aren't believers of these things themselves, nor do they remotely encourage us to indulge in these things, though yes, on being asked specific questions they do tell) and nor was I interested. I was satisfied that finally if someone insisted now, I would at least have an answer,  one worded as it might be. Turns out that it wasn't sufficient. They wanted to know if not panjabi, then what were kayasthas. I decided to revert back to my age old answer.. non panjabi hindus. Fuck the world, I said.

Being an adult seems to be a constant learning process. Everyday life teaches you something... what works in the real world (earlier it could be a 50 rupee note, now sometimes even 500 is too less) and what doesn't, or how important it is to sometimes take the most despicable of the uttered words and let go of them with a deep breath else you stand to be labelled temperamental or arrogant, or so many similar things. The most important lesson that one has to undo from their childhood?  That women infact are NOT equal to men. That for most people around, brute strength is the only recognizable strength and nothing compares.

Oh, and that power is everything. Everything and everywhere...

Power will make you, and give you all that you and your ascendants and descendants ever wanted. And once you gain that knowledge, attainment of that power is the sole purpose of your life!

Some say they seek to attain power so that they can help the downtrodden and bring about a much needed change in the society, the country, their notoriety be damned. Some say they need power to become the guardians of the social and secular fabric of our great nation, that they are qualified to do so, thanks to the history of their inherited credentials. Some say they wish for, nay, NEED the power, to fight those in power.
All different prima facie, but all who couldn't be more similar if they were brothers. They hanker for the same thing, yet each denies that and accuses the other. The same cacophonous sounds and voices pervade your space from all of them, and yet they claim that they're different from the other.
Every group, every sound, every voice seeks to drive home how the other is drawing blood, whereas in reality they're all mixing venom in our very bloodstream, and enjoying the results.
And people listen to them, day in and day out. They listen and absorb. They hate and are hated back in equal measure. That's what they all believe, and that's what they all feed their millions of followers.

And yet, people believe that children are immature and gullible. They are so innocent and can be misled so easily. They fight on public forums arguing and counter arguing their points.. how they are the change that's required,  how everything that they plan is so perfect.  How the interim mishaps are a part of the learning curve. How they're all fighting for the change. And for those who don't agree.. my way or the highway.

To them I'd like to implore. . Look at what you've become. See that when you accuse someone of curtailing free thought,  what are you trying to do. Look at the chaos you're creating while criticizing others for the same. Remember the child you were. . Would he recognize the adult you've become?

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Lost Words

You know how some words just describe you.. Such a lovely bit :)

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Read this poem online today. Simple words, which I believe would find a resonance in almost everyone. Unfortunately couldn't find the name of the poet, hence the lack of credits.
I'm not sure of the title but I think it's called..

You are not your age,
Nor the size of the clothes you wear,
You are not a weight,
Or the color of your hair.
You are not your name,
Or the dimples in your cheeks,
You are all the books you read,
And all the words you speak,
You are your croaky morning voice,
And the smiles you try to hide,
You are the sweetness in your laughter,
And every tear you’ve cried,
You’re the songs you sing so loudly,

When you know you’re all alone,
You’re the places you’ve been too,
And the one that you call home,
You’re the things that you believe in,
And the people that you love,
You’re the photos in your bedroom,
And the future you dream of,
You’re made of so much beauty,
But it seems you forgot,
When you decided that you were defined,
By all the things you’re not.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

The Equations of Helplessness

I believe that no matter how empowered we might believe we are, a certain helplessness always exists about each one of us. And it is manifested more often in our love, or how we love, more than anything else.
It could be the helplessness of seeing the one you love move away from you.. or seeing him move closer and closer to your best friend, until that time that the friend is on the inside and you've been ousted from the life of the one who you thought was close to becoming your life. The helplessness of still feeling for him after years. Of knowing that he knows, as do the others. Of knowing you're a fool in your heart's wake.
Or, when you are that person who stole him away from your 'friend' and have hence lost the friend and many more who thought you wrong. . And now, slowly with time, have come to possess the same fears, insecurities and confusions that the person in question used to tell you he saw in 'the other', the ones that you both used to be amused at together, and the ones whose absence was a part of what attracted him to you. You, who denies to herself what he has come to mean, eventhough your self centred mind spins a web of denial around you.
Or, it could be the helplessness of being that friend who becomes the current sufferer's shoulder.. you, whose shoulder they turn to for comfort, whose shortest absence in the hour of need is felt minutely.. you, whose own personal equation with 'the former' has become a victim of choosing one over the other. You chose the one you did because they meant more to you than most others. You, who shared your world, your happiness, your people because you cared unconditionally. You were always so sure it was mutual (though at times certain instances did say otherwise). But now you helplessly stand and watch how you've turned into nothing more than that shoulder. For everything else, there's usually someone else, or something else.. something you're not even invited to be a part of.

Saturday, March 22, 2014


I have been missing expressing myself through the written word for a while now. But somehow, just don't get around to actually logging in. So I did what most of us have been doing for almost everything these days. . Looked up on Google Play for a Blogger app. And (surprise surprise!) there actually was one!
Just downloaded it, and keeping with my new resolve of going back to the written form of catharsis, here I am, typing away immediately from my phone. What joy! :)

Saturday, January 18, 2014


जानू नहीं कैसे, जानू नहीं कैसे,
पिया घर जाऊँ
पायलिया, पायलिया कहे कि पिया घर जाऊँ
पायलिया पायलिया

Jaanu nahin kaise, jaanu nahi kaise,
Piya ghar jaun
Paayaliya, paayaliya kahe ke piya ghar jaaun
Paayaliya, paayaliyaa...