i keep pricking it. prick prick prick. in every possible way. and then i wonder why it won't simply stop bleeding... 

JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY..

Tell me, and I will forget
Show me, and I may remember.
Involve me, and I will understand.
- Confucius

If only Confucius was alive today... He could probably hold a workshop on this and explain-

a) how do you guess the other person WANTS you to tell him, show him, involve him...that he wishes to understand?

b) how do you know the other person even wants to tell you, show you OR involve you?

THE BANE OF HAPPINESS

A sudden realization... there is no such thing as unadulterated happiness. THAT state of being is a myth. Know why? Well, simply because of this little thing called 'the bane of happiness'. Don't know what that is?

Well, know that moment when everything is in its right place, the Gods are smiling at you, and that disturbing feeling is completely at rest? The moment when the universe seems to be as it ought to be and you feel you in your happy place.. well, that is when the blinds are lifted off your eyes, off their own, and you see things the way they really truly are. What had been wrong all this while, what was it that had been bothering you. Where you finally have the courage to call a spade a spade, thus revealing your Self to your self. Understand the distinction?

You see yourself for who you really are, and not as how you would like to perceive yourself.  You see your follies, the wrongs done to none other but the Self, in this mad rush of going for something you believed was more important than that fabulous being which lay unnoticed and ignored within you all this while. You stifled it, gagged it, and shackled it. You didn't let it speak up. And all this while you wondered exactly why it was that you were unhappy.

How CAN you be happy when you ignore your own wants and needs, undermine your Self so blatantly, in pursuit of everything else that is but temporary and fluid? That one constant which is forever a part of you... you ignored it for a fleeting glimpse of a glamorous mirage? How is it that everything else and everyone else becaome more important? What made you run so far from yourself? A need for approval? A need for affection? Attention? Recognition? Why would anyone bother with you, when you so grossly refuse to value yourself?!

You want success, money, recognition. You dream, you aspire, you desire. You are ambitious. And in pursuit of these things, you choose to ignore yourself. How can you achieve these, when you don't listen to what lies inside you, your only guide.

That feeling of dissatisfaction... doesn't it eat away at it all, slowly but steadily? Oh yes it does. It saps you of your willpower, you determination, your motivation. What are those dreams and fantasies then? A farce, nothing more. A farce which you use to delude yourself and those around you- How utterly driven, everything pointing towards but one word, S.U.C.C.E.S.S

But what are you really? You don't exactly know, but nothing close to your dream YOU for sure!

For what are you, who are you, when you refuse to show your true feelings, emotions, wants, preferences, choices? Every Yes when you wanted to say a No and vice versa...it takes you further away from your dream. And one fine day you forget what it really was in the first place. You wake up, and are confused as to where you are at that moment. You don't know. But you still don't forget to expect OTHERS to figure it out for you. The ones whom you so blindly followed all this while at the cost of your Self. Ones, who were not foolish enough to commit the same mistakes as you. And you expect THEM to somehow show you the way. But why should they? Did they force you to do what you did? Ofcourse not! But how do you explain what made you do it... that you were scared of what you might have to do, the effort you might have to put if you did listen to yourself.
And when you see this realization dawn in their eyes, it makes you shrink away. And reassess.
For THIS is when you see yourself for what you came close to becoming.

Thank heavens for realizations and those little mercies. Heh.

THERE IS ANOTHER SKY

There is another sky,
Ever serene and fair,
And there is another sunshine,
Though it be darkness there;
Never mind faded forests, Austin,
Never mind silent fields -
Here is a little forest,
Whose leaf is ever green;
Here is a brighter garden,
Where not a frost has been;
In its unfading flowers
I hear the bright bee hum:
Prithee, my brother,
Into my garden come!


- Emily Dickenson

COOL YULE

{for someone who often comes across strangers and ends up talking to them and hitting it off with them like they were long lost friends, it has always been quite ironic that i haven't seen the movie, Serendipity. but tonight i plan to correct that. the mood is right and the scale points to bright! here's a lovely track from the soundtrack of the movie. the song is called Cool Yule, and this particular version is by Louis Armstrong.. :) }


From Coney Island to The Sunset Strip
Somebody's gonna make a happy trip
Tonight, while the moon is bright

He's gonna have a bag of crazy toys
To give the groanies of the boys and girls
So dig, Santa comes on big

He'll come a callin' when the snows the most
When all you cats are sleepin' warm as toast
And you gonna flip when Old Saint Nick
Takes a lick on the peppernint stick

He'll come a flyin' from a higher place
And fill the stocking by the fire place
So you'll, have a yule that's cool

Yeah, from Coney Island to The Sunset Strip
Somebody's gonna make a happy trip
Tonight, while the moon is bright

He's gonna have a bag of crazy toys
To give the groanies of the boys and girls
So dig, Santa comes on big

He'll come a callin' when the snows the most
When all you cats are sleepin' warm as toast
And you gonna flip when the Old Saint Nick
Takes a lick on the peppernint stick

He'll come a flyin' from a higher place
And fill the stocking by the fire place
So you'll, have a yule that's cool

Have a yule that's cool
Yeah, cool yule 

get up.
splash your face.
dust off the grime.
straighten that collar.
brush and tame those hair.
take a deep breath...
inhale. hold it for a minute. exhale.
let go...
look in the mirror.
smile at yourself.
you're ready.
now get down to the rest.

RAGGLE TAGGLE GYPSY

There were three old gypsies came to our hall door 
they came brave and boldly-o 
And one sang high and the other sang low 
and the other sang a raggle taggle gypsy-o 

It was upstairs downstairs the lady went 
put on her suit of leather-o 
And there was a cry from around the door 
she's away wi' the raggle taggle gypsy-o 

It was late that night when the Lord came in 
enquiring for his lady-o 
And the servant girl she said to the Lord 
"She's away wi' the raggle taggle gypsy-o" 

"Then saddle for me my milk white steed 
- my big horse is not speedy-o 
And I will ride till I seek my bride 
she's away wi' the raggle taggle gypsy-o" 
Now he rode East and he rode West 
he rode North and South also 
Until he came to a wide open plain 
it was there that he spied his lady-o 

"How could you leave your goose feather bed 
your blankeys strewn so comely-o? 
And how could you leave your newly wedded Lord 
all for a raggle taggle gypsy-o?" 

"What care I for my goose feather bed 
wi' blankets strewn so comely-o? 
Tonight I lie in a wide open field 
in the arms of a raggle taggle gypsy-o" 

"How could you leave your house and your land? 
how could you leave your money-o? 
How could you leave your only wedded Lord 
all for a raggle taggle gypsy-o?" 

"What care I for my house and my land? 
what care I for my money-o? 
I'd rather have a kiss from the yellow gypsy's lips 
I'm away wi' the raggle taggle gypsy-o!"


(new track. irish folk music. am a convert. sharing 2 videos. both equally brilliant. )

The Black Dawn...

[a sudden burst of creative inspiration that struck me while watching something..nothing too big and great, but kind of different from the usual stuff that i write. had been lying in my phone drafts for a while. finally decided to post it.. ]


The darkling said to the swan...


"Your purity and strength i loathe.
So perfect you are, aren't you?
Think you can keep that unearthly smile on your face forever?
Think you can handle anything i throw at you?
Just wait and watch. I won't let you be.
I won't rest till i destroy that inner peace of mind.
Wipe that smile off your face. Bring you down.
For i can't be at peace till you are free.
All that i've ever wanted, i've possessed.
Save you...
But i shall bring you down.
For the sight of you shackled would be like elixir for my broken soul.
And your freedom, my destruction." 

RAMBLES OF A WEARY MIND...

Reached a conclusion...there's hardly anything that a long cold shower cannot help with. Just stand under the stream for five minutes, eyes closed, head bowed...and you will know.

How easy it is to feign interest. All you need to do is smile and keep up a constant banter of randomly entertaining stuff. Or talk to them about themselves, make them feel good and important. Let them look at you as a chirpy easygoing bumble bee stumbling through life. Ofcourse, work keeps you on your toes. Constant interaction with people helps..having a drool worthy senior helps. Heh.

You come home, talk to the family. Laugh a bit. Be the ideal daughter.
But then, you let the mask slip for a minute and you end up with a hapless parent at the receiving end of your adder tongue, and a frowning sibling.

But the shower helps. It washes away the sweat and the grime...both physical and mental. The cold water down your back...cathartic...healing.

You get out rejuvenated. Try to mend fences with the injured parent. A simple kiss on each cheek minus any explanations takes care of it all.. Easy again.

You're lolling around, feeling that finally you have put the demons to rest, bundled them up in a sack and stowed it away. But then they come hopping into the room, itching to get out. You try and keep yourself busy.

Then your best friend calls..he's at his wittiest. Induces the first real laugh for the day and you laugh away the blues for the next 5 hours...

THIS IS WHY I LOWWVE MY PEOPLE! - 3

Pearls of Wisdom, a la Geeko. Saved them during a RANDOM conversation. Might not make much sense. But they sure as hell are gonna entertain you!


-(talking of classics and women in corsets and old gowns) those old fashioned dresses! kids could make tents under those skirts!

- (just showing off) people don't give a rat's ass. I, well i, don't give a tiny kitten's fart!

- (discussing pajama parties) to me and all men around, slumber parties mean hot women in hot hot pajamas in a pillow fight, and DON'T you spoil that impression for me!

- (on romcoms which he claims he doesn't like but i have a sneaking suspicion he secretly adores) if only they had lesbian couples in all those romantic comedies. Those movies would become so much more tolerable!

- (talking about Titanic and Winslet's character) she had to see him dead, ki ab mar gaya ab chalo aage. It was a bloody sinking ship, she couldn't even swim. How could she help? But nahi bhai, main to chep ho jaaungi jaake ki kahin he doesn't hook up with someone else. Even if my fiance keeps shooting at us! Jao! mar gaya bechara!

- (romantic movies) most famous romantic movies ko agar dekho, you realize ki end mein jaake bande ki hi lagti hai!

- (commenting on something i said wrt an old friend) so if he is your male version, you guys can have the whole gender dysfunction thing in common? (he doesn't think i am too feminine. for some reason, MOST guys i know don't. hmmm... NOT good!)


- (when i said someone i know is too old school to go try any tricks on women he goes out with) if you're making pasta then you go to her place and eat, it makes sense. But man.. i'd NEVER go to her house for a coffee! I'd much rather go to Barista. They serve better coffee!

- (cribbing about women and how difficult we are) it should be compulsory for all girls to date other girls, just to make you understand how difficult it is to date you people! its ok if you don't make out, but you need to know man!

- (on PMS) you can't call PMS a hormonal excuse! In that case, we should be allowed to sleep with whosoever we want to when get horny, because THAT'S hormonal too!

- (me) Battlestar Galactica? I'm 85% sure i won't like it.
   (geeko) i'm 99.99% sure you won't... (:| )


- (on something i said about He Man) AND HIS DONKEY BECAME A HORSE?! what's wrong with you? His tiger became a bigger tiger!

PS- i HOPE you don't get into trouble! :P

SWEET NOVEMBER

Who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows?
Only time...
And who can say if your love grows,
As your heart chose?
Only time...
Who can say why your heart sighs,
As your love flies?
Only time...
And who can say why your heart cries,
When your love dies?
Only time...Who can say when the roads meet,
That love might be,
In your heart.
And who can say when the day sleeps,
If the night keeps all your heart?
Night keeps all your heart...
Who can say if your love grows,
As your heart chose?Who knows?
Only time...
Who knows?
Only time...


saw the movie for the first time. don't quite know what to say... it's beautiful. impractical. incredible. fantastic. a modern day fairy tale with its own dose of realism. that complete and utter selfless surrender... does it happen really? ever? i don't know. but after a long long time a movie, or anything infact, makes me believe that maybe it does.. heh. even as i type this, the ever practical part of my brain reminds me that it is but fiction. but for once, i would like to put logic aside.

when he finds out about her sickness...when he tries to fathom the reasons behind her decisions...i wonder how it affects him, what he thinks of her. does that one aspect make him wonder if she's a completely different person? the fact that she didn't tell him, and seeing her the way he does now, powerless, dependent, a complete opposite of what she had always been to him... how does it affect him? when they bring her back home, when she refuses to let him be around her, too scared to let him see her this way... frustration? helplessness? anger? something else? falling in love with the woman, completely changing his life and taking her way of life as his own... and then struggling with the knowledge that maybe, just maybe she doesn't think of me as anything more than her "November", and having to rethink all the choices he made for that one month...

and her? what about her? creating a life when life was running out on her... sustaining. living. loving. giving. selfish yet unconditionally so?
"he asked me to marry him"
"he was the first one i think?"
"no, but it was the first time i wanted to say yes.."
when he asks her to marry her, and she wants to say yes but says no, because she feels she isn't the person he loves. tries to avoid letting him see her break down. and when she can't avoid it anymore, kicks him out. minimal drama, minimal theatrics. dying every minute yet living every minute.

and then he comes back...bringing a whole new world with him. soppy soppy soppy. but still it makes me smile. and when he sings for her, it makes me want something similar... heh. soppy soppy soppy. again. heh.

are there people who are actually like this? living every minute like it is their last, doing what exactly what they wish to do, what they love, what they want, with who they want, on their own terms...
i would give anything to be able to be that way...

i was always reluctant to watch this movie. why? because i had seen a tiny bit towards the end once, where she had just come back from the hospital and he had unceremoniously been kicked out. i don't like movies with sad endings. juvenile maybe, but a fact nonetheless.

but this movie...well, it was pretty damn nice! :)

6

And an orator said, Speak to us of Freedom.

And he answered:

At the city gate and by your fireside I have seen you prostrate yourself and worship your own freedom,

Even as slaves humble themselves before a tyrant and praise him though he slays them.

Ay, in the grove of the temple and in the shadow of the citadel I have seen the freest among you wear their freedom as a yoke and a handcuff.

And my heart bled with me; for you can only be free when even the desire of seeking freedom becomes a harness to you, and when you cease to speak of freedom as a goal and a fulfilment.

You shall be free indeed when your days are not without a care nor your nights without a want and a grief,
But rather when these things girdle your life and yet you rise above them naked and unbound.


And how shall you rise beyond your days and nights unless you break the chains which you at the dawn of your understanding have fastened around your noon hour?

In truth that which you call freedom is the strongest of these chains, though it links glitter in the sun and dazzle in your eyes.


And what is it but fragments of your own self you would discard that you may become free?

If it is an unjust law you would abolish, that law was written with your own hand upon your own forehead.

You cannot erase it by burning your law books nor by washing away the foreheads of the judges, though you pour the sea upon them.

And if it is a despot you would dethrone, see first that his throne erected within you is destroyed.

For how can a tyrant rule the free and the proud, but for a tyranny in their own freedom and a shame in their own pride?

And if it is a care you would cast off, that care has been chosen by you rather than imposed upon you.

And if it is a fear you would dispel, the seat of that fear is in your heart and not in the hand of the feared.

Verily all things move within your being in constant half embrace, the desired and the dreaded, the repugnant and the cherished, the pursued and that which you would escape.

These things move within you as lights and shadows in pairs that cling.

And when the shadow fades and is no more, the light that lingers becomes a shadow to another light.

And thus your freedom when it loses its fetters becomes itself the fetter of a greater freedom.

INVICTUS...

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishment the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.


-William Ernest Henley

...

पिघले  नीलम सा बहता हुआ ये समान

नीली नीली सी खामोशियाँ

न कहीं है ज़मीन 

न कहीं आसमान

सरसराती हुयी  टहनियां  पत्तियाँ

कह रही हैं की बस एक तुम हो यहाँ 

सिर्फ मैं हूँ  मेरी सांसें  हैं और मेरी धडकनें

ऐसी गहराइयाँ 

ऐसी तनहाइयाँ

और मैं सिर्फ मैं

अपने होने   पर मुझको यकीन आ गया 

THIS IS WHY I LOWWVE MY PEOPLE! - 2

CONVERSATION 2

DC: Mera kuch nahi hoga

 me: allah taala par yakeen karo bache!

 DC: Haha..aur godrej and harrison par bhi

 Sry bad joke

 me: yess!

  witty notttt!______

DC: U know we are far too sensible for our own good

  

 me: so we should dumb down?

 DC: May be we shud

 me: if we get married that way, we would single handedly increase the divorce rate of this country!

 DC: Haha

 U really need to marry someone very bright

 me: what i need to do, is fix my own head and self

 and then go looking. till then its all BLEH

  le sigh...

 DC: That u need to

 me: see!

 DC: Haha

 me: if i can get YOU to agree to anything against me, that means i really need fixing up!

  :P

 DC: Lol

  May be u shud date a phirang

me: maybe i should

 DC: Indian guys are not up to ur mark

 me: lol. yeah. and the phirangs would forgive me everything, citing indian value system!

  hahahahaha

DC: Lol

 me: i LOVE the idea!

 DC: I too do

 I know a nice german guy

  Nick

 me: yeah?

 DC: Interested..he is studyin medicine

 me: but is he in india?

 DC: Frankfurt

:(

 me: ach!_____

DC: She wants an akshay kumar

 me: ooh! i KNOW an akshay kumar

 DC: And am amol palekar

 me: who would LOVE to know her...

  

 DC: Lol

 me: debo...lemme warn you...excerpts from this convo are going on my next blog post!

 DC: Ohh pls

 :)

  We are naturally funny

DC: (quotes lady love) Thanks:-) We women are like staunch equalists, and then one fine day, we'll just happily surrender ourselves to this one man....

  (his reply) Same goes for men

  The fear is..one day she will walk in with a gun and say hands up

 :)

 me: lol

  hahaha

_______________

THIS IS WHY I LOWWVE MY PEOPLE!

CONVERSATION 1

KM: E! stop me! am taking in chocolates right now like there's no tomorrow!

EK: argh!

EK: stop having chocolates?

KM: right. thats the best you can do? :| that definitely scared me into keeping my choc down!

EK: i want a damn drink

KM: me too

EK: well find some bloody time - studious kid

i need it cuz i thought i wanted to leave early tomorrow but i have meetings set up 12:30 to 6

KM: you need liquor to help you stay sober for the meetings

WAAH!

hahahahahahaha

EK: yeah lol

_________ (talking about Toptunez)

KM: how about the grooveshark model?

something more on those lines?

EK: let me check it out, i don't remember it - im a pandora person

KM: what? you like opening pandora's box all the time?

EK: ya i did years ago lol - and implementation might be a b****

KM: :P

EK: pandora dammit

EK: leave me alone!

:P

KM: nooooooo! never!
:P

ROLL AWAY YOUR STONE..

Roll away your stone, I’ll roll away mine
Together we can see what we can find
Don’t leave me alone at this time,
For I am afraid of what I will discover inside


You told me that I would find a home,
Within the fragile substance of my soul
And I have filled this void with things unreal,
And all the while my character it steals


The darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek


It seems as if all my bridges have been burned,
You say that’s exactly how this grace thing works
It’s not the long walk home that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive at the restart


The darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek


The darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek


The darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek


Stars hide your fires,
And these here are my desires
And I will give them up to you this time around 
And so, I’ll be found with my stake stuck in this ground 


Marking its territory of this newly impassioned soul



But you, you’ve come too far this time
You have neither reason nor rhyme
With which to take this soul that is so rightfully mine

WHAT IF...

10.05AM
what you've always wanted, is right in front of you. you want it, so much that it hurts. want to reach out and claim it as yours. but you're scared...what if it ISN'T for you? if it belongs to someone else, someone who had it once before? someone who has the power of coming and snatching it back again? what then? should you let it be and run off? or should you bloody well stick your chin up and keep at it?
_________________________________

12PM
2 hrs down, i say FUCK IT ALL... 

REALITY DOES BITE...

Logic and reason can strike at the weirdest of times, in the weirdest of places. Like when you're sitting in office, with nothing to do. Heh. But i'm oddly at peace after that tiny episode of Epiphany. Something i've been refusing to acknowledge to myself wouldn't deny reason this time round. And in the argument, reason won. I'm happy..

Things i refused to accept, won't stay behind the covers anymore. The obvious won't stay hidden anymore. Reason won't let the simple facts remain complicated and hence escape scrutiny. Self won't be put behind anymore. Everything inside me is repelled and rebelling. Not everything can be available on installment basis, not everything bought that way. Things should be marketed only when they are 100% ready for sale. But... the buyer too needs to have a discerning eye, nay? Ah well...

YOU'LL NEVER WALK ALONE...

When you walk through a storm hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of a storm is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.

Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never, ever walk alone.

Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never, ever walk alone.

know that feeling..

 when you suddenly realize what a royal jackass you've been? how dumb and lame and idiotic? how you've overdone and overthought (if thats even a word) about something SO MUCH and in SO MUCH detail, that the very thing starts giving you nightmares and you wanna run from it and everything associated with it fast as you can?
when you suddenly get out of your sleepwalk and look around and go, "huh?...wha..? WHAT THE HELL! "
when you are struck dumb and so grossed out by your own foolishness and short sightedness? when you realize how terribly annoying you've been, and what a real pain?
when you wanna laugh at yourself, then thwack yourself with a wooden stick till you're black and blue, and shout at yourself at the top of your lungs because you're so fucking exasperated with your foolishness?
when you realize AFTER MONTHS exactly what or how you've become? and then running from yourself and then trying to come to terms with it and NOT rolling your eyes so much that you're scared your eyeballs may get stuck somewhere at the back of your head?
when you liked something so much and then you went all stupid and crazy and obsessive that you forgot your spellings (thank MS for spell check!) and when you realized your stupidity you start running from that very same thing out of sheer embarrassment and this acute desire to get away and run away from it all as fast as you can and not turn back and look around, for that while forgetting what exactly it was that had captivated you the way it had?

YES! THAT FEELING... that particularly earth shattering, ear splattering, all-be-damned feeling is what's overpowering me right now. OMG what DID get into me?!

excuse me while i barf...

JUST A THOUGHT...

artist and the art...
pallete and the canvas...
levity and this life...
how different are the 3 from each other i wonder..

DIRTY DANCING

ok... THIS is gonna be out of character. Might even shock some and have some rolling on the floor laughing. And i am almost embarrassed to say this. BUT..
ithinkiwouldlovetodanceonthesongthetimeofmylifefromdirtydancingonmywedding...
Didn't geddit?
Ok well...again,
I think i would love to dance on the song The Time of My Life from the movie Dirty Dancing on my wedding.
Well, technically, not ON the wedding day but on one of those numerous functions where you have the families from both sides mingling and dancing and stuff.
Wondering where in the world did the idea suddenly strike me from? Well...the song is an old favorite. Also, i saw the movie again the last night. But much as i lowe Patrick Swayze, the music and the lyrics add something immensely evocative to the song. It makes you...flow, for the lack of a better word. It's romantic, seductive (if the moves are right) and just about brilliant.

Like i said, that's gonna be my wedding number. And whosoever is my groom, you better be on for this! It just might either make or break the deal for you! ;-)

LOVE SONG FOR NO ONE...

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me