Battles Before Wars..

A week or so.. Plate full.. So much to do... So many mind devils to fight, points to prove..
This is going to get interesting!

THERE ARE NO GHOSTS BUT THOSE THAT YOUR VISION OFT CONJURES...

I am in the middle of my studies, but so strongly struck by something that i can't help but type here and let things flow...

I can't believe what an idiot i was for the longest time! I can't believe i was intimidated by something so stupid, by someone so... ordinary (for the lack of a better word) and regarding something so baseless and pointless!

And it has taken almost 3 and a half years for the realization to sink in, for me to realize all this. What i ran after was all in my head. Now, when i know myself better, when my head is clearer, when i actually have something which is worth fighting for, i now wonder what was it that i saw at that point that made me fight as long as i did. More than what it really was, it became all about how i WANTED it to be, wanted things to be. And the leverage i gave it, made it bigger than reality. An exaggerated though half baked premise. I don't know how or why i stayed for as long as i did.. but i guess if i hadn't, i would have never known really what it was that i really wanted, as compared to what i THOUGHT i did.

And none of it would have been possible without that one presence that made me see the difference between the two. And it's a funny feeling, to realize that all this while, what you confused for something so huge, was nothing but a result of perceived ideal scenarios and an overdose of drama and emotions.
My friends, those blessed souls, and my baby sister... they all saw and understood and tried everything they could to make me understand, see things as clearly as i do now. But to no avail.

But i guess, it was meant to be the way it turned out to be. It's like pieces of a puzzle falling into right slots after multiple attempts.

And it's things like these which make me appreciate what i now have, even more. If that phase of my life taught what i DIDN'T want from life, this one teaches me everyday what i do want. And every realization is a new revelation... :)

The Morning After Post...

..Ok. So that post was last night. A lament full of self pity. Something I absolutely loathe. And something that was momentary. The moment has passed, and I'm very much myself now. And I'll be damned if I ask for anyone's sympathy!

And nor are my wishes, my wants, my desires, ambitions, goals going to be subjected to anyone's observations, comments, cynicism or opinions anymore. There's one thing I have always dreaded, and that is, being written off insignificantly. Nobody can do that to me. And I'm NOT going to do that to myself. Bloody hell! I'm not even 25, even if the last 3 years have been bad, they are hardly something that's going to impact the rest of my life! And if one thing doesn't work out, I'll find another way, something else. But I will NOT be written off into insignificance, as someone who COULD be something, had the potential to be something, but broke down and lost her plot. If ONE plan doesn't work out, I'll figure something else out. I'll make my own way. And I'll do it alone, however I have to. And anyway, professional help? Sure, why not! If I DO ever need it, why not go for it! It doesn't imprint me with the scarlett letter! And its anyway better to go to a professional than roll up in a corner and cry your eyes out for rest of the day. Nothing could be worse!

A 4AM Lament

The past few years,  as most are aware, have been kind of hard for a. Number of reasons, most of them being interrelated and inter woven. I have tried to deal with them the best I can. Sometimes, I'm able to convince myself that I've done better than anyone else would have. At other times though, I'm not so sure. The last few months have been like that... Full of unsurity, a lot of insecurity, constant fear, a sort of hopelessness that's settling in. But unlike every time before this, I'm not being able to get over it, deal with it on my own. And when I'm not, I look around me. For someone who could help me with it, sometimes even feel I have people who could help me. But it's always a disappointment. And every time it happens, it breaks me down a little bit more. Sometimes I even wonder if I need professional help to help me deal with things. Because what was once just one single aspect of my life, has now come to define it. Everything that I am or am not, is defined by that one fact.. And its related failures. And now it has become such a part of my psyche, I've begun to wonder who I reaaly am! What am I? What are my capabilities? What am I good at? Am I good at anything? I don't know any longer! Forget that, I don't even know what I like anymore, or what I want from my life! I run from things, refuse to face them, acknowledge some sad truths. I try and lose myself in the moment, trying to find a permanent solution in my temporary escape.. I start having undue expectations from people around me, expecting them to have answers to MY problems that I've myself failed to solve for years! I let myself get affected by petty things, let things hurt me easily, grant so much mind space to smallest of things... Lose myself in others to the extent that when I don't find the same reciprocated in the same manner, it sends me back in my shell, blaming. The world for its unfairness.

Who hasn't had to go through hardships? Aren't hard times supposed to be the real test of character? Aren't they to motivate us to overcome all trials and tribulations? Doesn't everyone say how strong I am, how truly intelligent I am? Then why don't I have that confidence in me? Why do I insist on slipping into this vulnerable, broken girl who can't do anything with her life, a picture I myself loathe? Why dpi let myaelf slip into that dark abyss?

What, why, when, where, how.....

BLANK

Where words fail, silence might just prevail.

Maybe the constant expression of thoughts and opinions isn't the best thing to do after all. Maybe distance, silence, space, time pose the same questions better and alongside procure their answers too.

The questions, though pertinent, may not always obtain the best answers after all. What are words after all, when they don't mean the same thing to everyone involved. How will the answers be forthcoming when the questions are not understood the same way.

Time.. Patience.. Distance.. Detachment..

Challa ki labhda phire...

So this track is from the movie Jab Tak Hai Jaan, sung by Rabbi Shergill. It has recently become a favorite. It's been around for a while, yes, but somehow it has caught my fancy just recently.. Decent lyrics, great music, and that amazing voice!

Challa ki labh daa phirey
Challa ki labh daa phirey
Yaaron main ghar kehdaa
Lokan ton puchdaa phirey
Challa hansda phirey
Challa rounda phirey
Challa gali gali ruldaa phirey

Challe tu sab daa
Challe tera koi nahi
Challa gali gali rul daa phirey
Challa ki labh daa phirey
Challa ki labh daa phirey
Yaaron main ghar kehdaa
Lokan ton puchdaa phirey
Challa ki labh daa phirey

Rang satrangi de bulbula di boli
Dhoop de pairi chale, chhavan ni lay dolee
Rang satrangi rangi de, bulbula di di bolee
Dhoop de pairi chale, chhavan ni lai lai dolee
Hun kaale kaale badaalan ch chand labh daa
Goongiyan hawa va diyaan waaja soon da
Yaaro aas paas wasdaa aiy yaar mera
Dikhdaa ni ohdiyaan khusbuaan sunghdaa

O Challa ki labh daa phirey..
Challa ki labh daa phirey
Yaaron main ghar kehdaa
Lokan ton puchdaa phirey
Challa ki labh daa phirey

Naa visaal hoya kadi na judaai hoi
Ishq de qaidi ki naa rihaai hoi
Lokon sufne ch milne daa wadaa usda
Saari saari raat naa ankh lagdi
Mere saa vee thode thode ghhat aaunde
Meri nabz vee thodi ghat wajdi

Challa ki labh daa phirey
Challa ki labh daa phirey
Yaaron main ghar kehda
Lokan ton puchdaa phirey
Challa hansda phirey
Challa rounda phirey
Challa gali gali ruldaa phirey
Challe tu sub daa
Challe tera koi nahi

Challa galee galee rul daa phirey
Challa Challa ki labh daa phirey
Challa ki labh daa phirey
Challa ki labh daa phirey

Lone Ranger, Lone Miles...

As you walk that walk home,
Troubled by many a thorn;
Trudging on with a heavy heart,
Waiting for the sorrow to depart.

You meet strangers; some passersby,
They wave to you with a smile,
That beckons you on another mile;
Close you follow, on your heel
If required willing to kneel.

The hopes renewed, you follow on,
Looking, hoping for a hand to hold on.
They look at you and pat your head,
You're now our own, their eyes said.

With confidence you carry on,
Hope and optimism edging you on.
But then stumble over a cobbled stone,
Fall, then look up to find all gone.

Something has been reaffirmed today.. At the end of the day, it's just you for yourself. Everything else is a myth..

The Stranger Who Cried...

A few days ago, I was in Satya Niketan with Green Boy. It was a fantastic evening, and we had spent the afternoon together, post which we had come for our usual maggi and milk shake tuck in to one of our favorite spots.

As per our original plan, GB was to drop me back home. However, a meeting came up because of which he had to hurry back so he got me an auto instead. As usual the meter wasn't working, but the guy wasn't exactly trying to rob us, so they settled the fare, post which I got in.

The man asked me in a very polite soft spoken way as to where exactly I had to go in RG so I explained. And so we started from SN.

We had just started, when I heard a sniveling sound, that made me look into the rearview mirror. The  auto driver seemed to have tears in his eyes, but I couldn't be too sure due to the dark so I went back to texting on my phone. By this time we had hit the Ring Road, and were passing under the flyover.

Suddenly, the man said, "Kabhi kisi par bharosa nahi karna chahiye beta, kabhi, khaas taur pe agar wo tumhare apne hon.." Now, for all my social graces, I NEVER know how to behave in such circumstances. I was trying to figure out whether I should remain quiet, or ask him if something was amiss, if something was wrong with him. But before I could decide, he was repeating the same thing. "Kabhi kisi ko apna samajh kar unki madad na karna beta. Tumhari zaroorat ke samein, wohi log tumhe bhool jaate hain. Karo bhi to, kisi anjaan ki madad kar lo, magar apne khud ke logon ki madad na karna."

We were crossing the Dhaula Kuan stretch and were waiting at a signal. I happened to look in the mirror again, and this time there was no mistaking the tears. The man was definitely upset, and quite badly so. He was wiping them with his right hand, but there was no stopping them. And once he had started talking, there was no stopping him. It was like he had found the outlet he had been looking for. "Duniya bahaut buri hai beta, bahaut buri. Apna apna nahi hai. Uski madad karna theek nahi.." I was about to ask him what happened when he started again.. "Meri beti ka admission ho gaya hai Hindu College mein. Bas paise maang rahe hain. Aaj last date thi. Kisi tarha se unse kal tak ke liye baat ki hai.."

By this time we were on the Delhi Cantt road, and he had started driving fast. "Maine apne bhai ko 50,000 rupay diye the udhaar par. Socha bhai hai, use zaroorat hai. Jab chahiye honge usse le lunga. Aaj main usse paise waapis maange to usne dene se saaf manaa kar diya. Kehta hai mere paas kya saboot hai maine use paise diye hain. Koi kaagaz hai? Kisi ke saamne diye hain?" And we were cruising, literally talking to the wind. "Mera apna bhai beta. Aur meri beti. Itni mehnat ki hai usne. Itni umeed hai use mujh se. Kya kahunga?" We were at a signal again, and he was trying hard to control himself, when he got a call.. "Haan beta. Nahi beta, paise nahi mile. Chacha ne dene se mana kar diya. Kuch karta hun beta, tu ghabra mat. Kuch karunga. Ghar aakar sochta hoon. Tu chinta mat kar."  

Throughout the call, he somehow held himself. Soon as he kept the phone down, he was crying again."Meri beti ka phone tha. Pooch rahi thi. Kya bataunga main? Kaise karunga main?" And he was holding his forehead, running his hand through his hair, holding his forehead again..

We were at the Naraina flyover. And we were zipping across it. Flying. I love the speed usually, I love the wind rushing at me, but at that point it was all different. Some of his despair had rubbed off on me. I was feeling sorry for him, very sorry. But at the same time, it was a little scary. I was fully convinced that we were either going to collide with another bigger vehicle, OR the auto was going to slide down and turn over.. Proof? The fact that I was home in 15 mins by the watch. Yep. I had taken about one third of the time that it usually takes to get home. Heh

I don't know whether it is just me, or whether this is how everyone functions, but someone's misfortune touches you more deeply if the person otherwise seems to be nice, honest and well spoken. Even when it seems he just might accidentally kill you! I don't know if it was just what he had been telling me or what, but the fact that I couldn't do anything to make things better (even if not okay) was making me feel pathetic, like somehow I was cheating him as well. I didn't know what else to do, so I ended up paying him 30 bucks extra by refusing to take the change. Like that would have helped him! But well.. That action made me feel a little better as well as extremely silly at the same time.

The incident happened almost 2 weeks ago. And I often wondered about the man.. My thoughts varied between cynical (was he simply trying to dupe someone, if he could? Had the brother simply refused to give him a loan and not REPAY his own loan? How could his daughter get an admission MID TERM like this?) and sorry (Did his brother change his mind? Could he arrange the funds? How many others suffer like him?) and dramatic (hope he didn't try to commit suicide!)

And then, suddenly my questions (at least some) were answered today. I saw him again, standing with the other auto walas in the market area. He was talking to another auto wala, a sardar ji. Thankfully, that woeful look was gone.

For a moment I actually thought of going up to him and asking him if he recognized me, if his problem had been sorted. But then I put the idea away, dismissing it as hair brained.

But you know, more than anything else, I was amazed that I even saw him again. It happens very rarely, if ever, that I come across same strangers twice. Ah well.. Providence!

OoOoOoooOOOO

Ok... this is one of the 2 (and in all likelihood the ONLY) Himesh Reshammiyan songs that i really like, the other one being a song from the same movie.

There's this earthiness and intensity in the lyrics that gets to me, and that i absolutely love. And somehow, HR's singing adds to it. (Miracle of miracles, that! ;) )

Potpourri...

This post has been a while coming. I don't know why I haven't written for so long.. Maybe its because I've had a lot on my plate, maybe nothing noteworthy has happened that needed to be chronicled.. Or maybe I've just forgotten the art of stringing words together.. Even now I don't have anything specific to write about, just this wish to once again see my thoughts appear in words.. To sort them as I type them..

What's my current state of mind? I can't really understand. Its a thought potpourri.. And my emotions, a forest on fire. There's so much in my head, yet its so difficult to put it together coherently.. But I guess it would be safe to say that I'm kind of discontented with my lot. Because where I am right now, is nowhere close to where I'd like to be.. I want to be free, soar high, not be bound my limits or restrictions.. I want to see the world, and what all it has to offer me. I don't want to be tied down to things or people, with obligations and duties, with the dos and don'ts... I want to travel, try different cuisines, write, meet new people, work with people, FOR people..

The world is limitless and boundless.. it has so much to offer, to teach, to feel, to accommodate. So how can confining ourselves to our safe spots be justified? Doesn't it fill any of you with this unquenchable thirst to see, to experience, to feel, to learn?

I haven't lived my purpose in life yet.. I feel like I haven't done anything that I was meant to do, this far. Every day when I get up, this feeling of dissatisfaction niggles. Its not the people, its not my surroundings.. Its the role I'm being expected to play, forced to play, to fit within the set parameters that makes me restless. I am living in direct conflict of my very nature.. So how can I be completely truly satisfied? Is it any wonder that I feel so lost and out of my depth? If I wish to play by the rules, do what everyone expects out of me, I could.. But that would mean I'm denying my very nature, that in trying to be dutiful towards others, I'm being unfaithful to myself.. What then?


But, worry not. It's not all as grim as i just made it sound.. Work is erratic as usual, and soon i will be going on leave.. as usual. Exams are less than 2 months away and i haven't started doing much. Although this time, i am more determined to make progress than i have been for the longest time, to actually to my brains to use.

More than anything else, i have been a lot more grounded and at peace with my vagabond inner thoughts than i have been for the longest time, thanks to the GreenBoy.. poor bloke has a hard time of it though! :)


Aaaaaaaaand... how can i forget... it seems like the whole world and its mother is now aware of my relationship status, both sets of parents included. I am not sure whether the idea terrifies me or excites me more... Thankfully, after those constant initial discussions, things have sort of sunk in. For now.The next 2-3 months though, are going to be tough on both of us. Hopefully we will both get out with our sanity intact!