The past few years, as most are aware, have been kind of hard for a. Number of reasons, most of them being interrelated and inter woven. I have tried to deal with them the best I can. Sometimes, I'm able to convince myself that I've done better than anyone else would have. At other times though, I'm not so sure. The last few months have been like that... Full of unsurity, a lot of insecurity, constant fear, a sort of hopelessness that's settling in. But unlike every time before this, I'm not being able to get over it, deal with it on my own. And when I'm not, I look around me. For someone who could help me with it, sometimes even feel I have people who could help me. But it's always a disappointment. And every time it happens, it breaks me down a little bit more. Sometimes I even wonder if I need professional help to help me deal with things. Because what was once just one single aspect of my life, has now come to define it. Everything that I am or am not, is defined by that one fact.. And its related failures. And now it has become such a part of my psyche, I've begun to wonder who I reaaly am! What am I? What are my capabilities? What am I good at? Am I good at anything? I don't know any longer! Forget that, I don't even know what I like anymore, or what I want from my life! I run from things, refuse to face them, acknowledge some sad truths. I try and lose myself in the moment, trying to find a permanent solution in my temporary escape.. I start having undue expectations from people around me, expecting them to have answers to MY problems that I've myself failed to solve for years! I let myself get affected by petty things, let things hurt me easily, grant so much mind space to smallest of things... Lose myself in others to the extent that when I don't find the same reciprocated in the same manner, it sends me back in my shell, blaming. The world for its unfairness.
Who hasn't had to go through hardships? Aren't hard times supposed to be the real test of character? Aren't they to motivate us to overcome all trials and tribulations? Doesn't everyone say how strong I am, how truly intelligent I am? Then why don't I have that confidence in me? Why do I insist on slipping into this vulnerable, broken girl who can't do anything with her life, a picture I myself loathe? Why dpi let myaelf slip into that dark abyss?
What, why, when, where, how.....
No comments:
Post a Comment