SHAM

Sham bhi koi jaise hai nadi
Lehar lehar jaise beh rahi hai
Koi ankahi, koi ansuni
Baat dheemi dheemi keh rahi hai
Kahin na kahin jaagi hui hai koi aarzoo
Kahin na kahin khoye hue se hain main aur tu
Ke boom boom boom para para
Hai khaamosh dono
Ke boom boom boom para para
Hai madhosh dono
Jo gummsum gummsum hai yeh fizayein
Jo kehti sunti hai yeh nigahein
Gummsum gummsum hai yeh fizayein hai na


Suhani suhani hai yeh kahani
Jo khamoshi sunaati hai
Jise tune chaha hoga woh tera
Mujhe woh yeh batati hai
Main magan hoon par na jaanu
Kab aane wala hai woh pal
Jab haule haule dheere dheere
Khilega dil ka yeh kamal
Ke boom boom boom para para
Hai khaamosh dono
Ke boom boom boom para para
Hai madhosh dono
Jo gummsum gummsum hai yeh fizayein
Jo kehti sunti hai yeh nigahein
Gummsum gummsum hai yeh fizayein hai na
Yeh kaisa samay hai, kaisa sama hai
Ke shaam hai pighal rahi


Yeh sab kuch haseen hai, sab kuch jawan hai
Hai zindagi machal rahi, jagmagati jilmilati
Palak palak pe khwaab hai
Sun yeh hawayein gungunayea
Jo geet lajawab hai
Ke boom boom boom para para
Hai khaamosh dono
Ke boom boom boom para para
Hai madhosh dono
Jo gummsum gummsum hai yeh fizayein
Jo kehti sunti hai yeh nigahein
Gummsum gummsum hai yeh fizayein hai na

oh you dazzling smile, what sorrows are you hiding today?

i WILL NOT break, and i WILL NOT break down. the tears and the pain might be there, but it will never show. never. ever. not to you. not to most. and slowly, it will go away. i will negate it. i will nip it in the bud. it won't kill me, it won't affect me. and i will absolutely not run after it. i REFUSE to run after it. i've given as much as i could, and i did it willingly. no more. not a bit more.

it pinches and affects. all the bloody time. but i won't think about it anymore. there is so much more. soo much more. so many more willing, more giving. there is so much to look forward to, so much to work for. everyday comes up with atleast one joy, which overshadows the ten other trifle sorrows, which helps me sleep easy. then while stock taking, why should i forget those small things which made me smile? why should i insist on going back to what didn't happen?!

if there is so much to look forward to, so much ahead of me, then where is there the need to look back at all? why the wishful thinking? it's not worth it. and i won't let it get the better of me. I WON'T!

if you see it in your mind, you're going to hold it in your hand.

and i see a life. a successful, hard earned one. which i have dreamt of and worked for. the realization of a dream more precious to me than anything else. and nothing, no circumstances, shall detract me. i'm gonna have it all, and on my terms. i'll make it happen. and i'l keep working till i get there. but i will..and wild horses won't stop me.

Wish List 2011

MY WISH LIST FOR THE NEW YEAR


1. complete my CA course, get my degree.

2. lose weight, get in shape (yessss!)

3. brush up my driving and navigation skills.

4. finally take up photography, try new things with the camera, get a decent editing software and play around with it till i figure it out.

5. meditate...build up on concentration and focus.

6. keep confusion and chaos at a minimum.

7. unclutter my mind, and my surroundings. think ideas and words through before expressing them out loud.

8. take up sketching again.

9. join a language course

10. start working

12. try and give shape to the ideas that come up in my head and build on them, instead of just thinking about them and never doing anything about them. (yes, i know this one sounds pretty vague. but well...)

13. remove the word 'try' from my vocab, and actually DO things that need to be done...CHUCK the laziness and procrastination away... get off my ass and actually do things that need to be done..

14. brush up my culinary skills... and in a variety of things at that, so that, by the end of the year am able to prepare a decent meal, all on my own.

15. actually do all these things on my wish and not to forget about any of them!

Losing My Religion

Oh, Life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper
Of every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

a zen proverb..

"Things appear as we are and not as they are"

K... this is the way

restless. quite. agitated. that too. brief sentences seem better. somehow uh...crisper? feels like a zillion years, where it's just been one. detached. yeah, quite. like in everything else maybe? pinches sometimes, but mostly it's ok. when does it pinch? well...when there isn't anyone to listen. to lend support. to cheer on. to say they care 'a lotta lot'.. those 'wakey wakey' and 'nighty night' messages... the first thoughts in the morning and the last before going to bed every night. those secrets. that complete confidence.
"K... you're good! you don't even know how good"
"K...nothing holds a candle to what we share..."
"K...you're the one bright spark in my mundane life"...
"K...I'm committed. I'm getting married. Can you believe it?"
yes...K believes it. every bloody time she does. she's a believer afterall... a hopeless one at that. she doesn't know any better. she treasures and trusts. she hopes and she believes. she's disappointed and she's broken. every time.
tears...they have dried up. 
words...they've become a mere echo. 
memories...some are hazy, some shining with a neon sign.
rants, they are unbecoming. 
scenes, quite coarse.
time, an anesthetic.
silence, a dignified answer.
indifference, salvation.
one year...one year...and still... not one who comes close...
and most thought the distance...literal and figurative...would work magic.
it has worked, to a great extent. but it's still just a bandage wrapped over a raw wound.
so difficult to explain...so difficult to talk about. the ones who know it all don't understand. the others, well, they simply don't care. why should they? who does anymore, atleast for her?

K..this is the way...this is the way... learn :)

3

Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.

And he answered:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit the very wood that was hollow with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.


Some of you say, 'Joy is greater than sorrow,' and others say, 'Nay, sorrow is the greater.'

But i say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.


Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weight his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

la di la...

i'm happy. quite inexplicably so. have been like this for a couple of days now. why? no idea. bu this scares me. whenever i AM like this, it usually results in a bit of an anticlimax! ah well..just gotta keep reminding myself to prioritise! :)
quite a few things to look forward to actually...meeting a really old friend, meeting some new people, meeting up with some of my favorite people!
books...so many i've stacked up! movies..! music..! markets! gym! CLASSES!
bwahaha!

And there we go again!

D: what do you expect, when you absolutely INSIST on pricking an old wound?

O: ummm...i don't know. i just felt like it. wanted to see. but yes, i saw more than i wished to, and read more between the lines than i cared to. it pinched, yes.. but you know me! i'd do the same thing again... and again..and..

D: sadistic you are..

O: ehhh... it'll be alright. I'll be alright. am i not always?

D: still... you're sadistic. and plain lame. and foolish. and you wonder why am i always exasperated with you?!

GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!

got to get back to reading, got to get back to reading. got to get in sync with the world...update my GA! yeesh lord...i've soo let go of myself! :|

dayummm! i've been so wrapped up in wallowing about what a sad life i have, i have completely cut myself off! i feel like this ostracized sad not so little thing. bleeeehhh!!

ok ok... things to do:

1) get hold of the newspaper, update myself with whats happening

2) subscribe to my journals

3) write on things which interest me again, and NOT only on soppy things

4) update my music and listen to some new stuff

5) clean up the clutter all around me

6) clean up the clutter in my head!

7) up my financial markets IQ...man, i soo wanna know everything about them!

8) get on track with my course

9) catch up and keep up with atleast 2 people everyday

10) finally put up my 25 before 25 to do list on my blog

11) read all those unread books

12) watch atleast 1 movie every night

13) keep away from things which clutter my mind and confuse me

14) keep my moroseness quotient in check... spread cheer baby!

15) when i say, 'que sera sera', actually BELIEVE in it!

that's it for now...am off!

another post coming soon, at the end of the day, to check the progress. tadaa! :)

2

Then a hermit, who visited the city once a year, came forth and said, Speak to us of Pleasure.

And he answered, saying:
Pleasure is a freedom song,
But it is not freedom.
It is the blossoming of your desires,
But it is not the fruit.
It is a depth calling unto a height,
But it is not the deep nor the high.
It is the caged taking wing,
But it is not space encompassed.

Ay, in very truth, pleasure is a freedom song.

And I fain would have you sing it with fullness of heart; yet I would not have you lose your hearts in the singing.


Some of your youth seek pleasure as if it were all, and they are judged and rebuked.
I would not judge them nor rebuke them. I would have them seek.

For they shall find pleasure, but not her alone;

Seven are her sisters, and the least of them is more beautiful than pleasure.

Have you not heard of the man who was digging in the earth for roots and found a treasure?


And some of your elders remember pleasures with regret like wrongs committed in drunkenness.

But regret is the beclouding of the mind and not its chastisement.

They should remember their pleasures with gratitude, as they would the harvest of a summer.

Yet if it comforts them to regret, let them be comforted.


And then there are among you those who are neither young to seek nor old to remember;

And in their fear of seeking and remembering they shun all pleasures, lest they neglect the spirit or offend against it.

But even in their foregoing is their pleasure.

And thus they too find a treasure though they dig for roots with quivering hands.

But tell me, who is he that can offend the spirit?

Shall the nightingale offend the stillness of the night, or the firefly the stars?

And shall your flame or your smoke burden the wind?

Think you the spirit is a still pool which you can trouble with a staff?


Oftentimes in denying yourself pleasure you do but store the desire in the recesses of your being.

Who knows but that which seems omitted today, waits for tomorrow?

Even your body knows its heritage and its rightful need and will not be deceived.

And your body is the harp of your soul,

And it is yours to bring forth sweet music from it or confused sounds.


And now you ask in your heart, 'How shall we distinguish that which is good in pleasure from that which is not good?'

Go to your fields and your gardens, and you shall learn that it is the pleasure of the bee to gather honey of the flower,

But it is also the pleasure of the flower to yield its honey to the bee.

For to the bee a flower is a fountain of life.

And to the flower a bee is a messenger of love.

And to both, bee and flower, the giving and the receiving of pleasure is a need and an ecstasy.

People Are Crazy And Times Are Strange

I’ve been walking forty miles of bad road
If the Bible is right, the world will explode
I’ve been trying to get as far away from myself as I can
Some things are too hot to touch
The human mind can only stand so much
You can’t win with a losing hand

People are crazy and times are strange
I’m locked in tight, I’m out of range
I used to care, but things have changed

I hurt easy, I just don’t show it
You can hurt someone and not even know it
The next sixty seconds could be like an eternity
Gonna get low down, gonna fly high
All the truth in the world adds up to one big lie

Mr. Jinx and Miss Lucy, they jumped in the lake
I’m not that eager to make a mistake

People are crazy and times are strange
I’m locked in tight, I’m out of range
I used to care, but things have changed

so finally, indifference is sinking in. just another mile to go, and we'l be there! :-)

1

...Then said Almitra, Speak to us of Love,

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you, follow him, 

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him.

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure.

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed.

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, 'God is in my heart,' but rather,'I am in the heart of God.'

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love.

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstacy;

To return home at evetide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

i want my rhett. sigh. :'(

OF THE SUN AND CLOUDS...

was on the terrace... spaced out for a bit, looking at the sky...the sun, the clouds.. when i first looked, the sun was hidden behind the clouds, hardly visible to the eye. then, just as i was looking, started emerging bit by bit. concentrating, i tried noticing the 'movements'...but no show. it was just...there. hidden, emerging, but still there, just the same.

ofcourse it was the clouds moving, covering it. but the romantic, no logic state that my brain was in, it didn't strike me immediately. when it struck me, i couldn't help laughing at myself. those first few classes of science, of EVS. genius! duh!

and then another random thought came to my mind...isn't it how we are, how life is? a game of hide and seek...what we wish for, that source of all motivation..it's right there, our 'sun'. always. it;s just that we don't look for it the right way..let ourselves get distracted by the 'clouds'... we're so busy figuring out the blanket we forget what it was that we were looking for, our 'sun'.. to us, it's our sun that's dodging us, avoiding us, slipping out of our hands, leaving us bewildered. whereas it's always right there, where it was when aimed for it. just the clouds got thicker and blocked our view. how we do refuse to look at things straight, yeah? i do...all the time. yet, when the realization comes in, it never fails to amaze me...

hmmm...funny how i've never noticed this. or rather, noticed it but never paid attention to it. or likelier still, never been jobless enough?
hell, deepak chopra and robin sharma would be proud of me right now... heh.

Passing Thoughts..

[ok, these are random thoughts at different points of time, which i simply noted down in my cell phone over the last few months, never having enough time to blog about..]

September 15, 2010
the winner takes it all..
the losers compelled to applaud..
the spectators watch..
and the curtains fall.

September 24, 2010
the price you have to pay when you're not ready...could cost you your dream. :|

October 3, 2010
when i want what i want as badly as i want, then WHY is it so hard to work for it? is it because i'm not as convinced about it as i tell myself i am? but aren't these confusions and deliberations present in everything we take up? think of?
why is it so damn hard to make that effort?! is it because i'm scared that i might not succeed? that it would still elude me? that it isn't/ wasn't worth it? that it wasn't meant to be? then WHY am i even thinking about it, so much? analyzing, over analyzing, then deliberating, over deliberating, running towards it, running away from it, by turns...

November 7, 2010
you know, you sometimes absolutely refuse to pay attention to things, thinking it's a lot of effort, and think you don't like it... well, tomorrow is the D-Day, and today's when i am paying attention to all this stuff. and i'm liking it! i wish i'd put in more effort.. i could've so aced this! it's not too brain damaging, too difficult.. it's just interesting and challenging.. and i dont even have the time now to undo my stupid mistakes. but this is a promise i'm making to myself... irrespective of the result, i'm never EVER gonna do anything half heartedly. i'm gonna give everything i take up, the best shot that i'm capable of giving. what's the use of living with regrets? who does it help? hell, don't do it if you don't feel inclined to do it! don't take it up and make a joke of it! that's plain dumb and stupid, not to mention a complete waste of time and resources.. i've been dumb, but i'm not gonna be like that anymore. i don't know how wel am gonna do tomorrow, but am gonna give it my best shot. :)

Living on a Prayer...

hmm. i think i should stop trying. really. why even bother? why put yourself in line again and again and again? i should simply accept it. i don't belong. neither here, nor there. for some i am way too aggressive, for others way too submissive. some think i am too rigid and opinionated, others feel i am way too indecisive. never a happy medium am i able to strike. never.

and you know what? it doesn't even matter. because after a while, it stops mattering. those people stop mattering that much. that inclination to attract them, that wish to be more acceptable to them dies. just goes away. and you are like, "you know what? fuck it. i don't give a flying fuck as to what you want. besides, you're hardly capable of giving me what I want. why should i bother?"

what would i really like? hmmm...now that's a tricky one. i want someone who is as curious about me as i am about him. someone as interested in me, everything about me, as i am in him. someone who looks beyond that approachable exterior so easily accessible by everone. someone who wishes to know every single detail about me, is annoyingly curious about everything...what makes me tick, what makes me smile, laugh out loud, cry, think...everything. someone who wants to know me as well as he knows himself. who is an extension of me. someone who knows what i feel, think, believe, want just as well as i do. someone for whom my feelings, emotions, wants, needs, preferences...everything, is as important as his own. someone who knows me inside out, WANTS to know me inside out. someone i can trust blindly. someone stronger than me, better than me. someone i can trust enough, look up to. someone who knows my worst, knows exactly how to hurt me. someone i trust enough to show my weakest side to. someone who has the power to completely destroy me, bring me down, yet would never use it against me, no matter where we are, what are status is. someone assertive, who asserts his right over me, without suffocating me. someone whose proximity doesn't make me run away from him. someone who doesn't bore me. someone i wish to open up to.

and someone, who gives me all this too. allows me an 'all access' permit with respect to himself. to whom i mean as much as he means to me. who feels the same way about me.

i want him to be my complimentary opposite. yin to my yang.

too idealistic? i think so...

have i ever met someone who comes close? no...
impossible? maybe...

should i learn to settle for less? i don't know...

CAUGHT MY ATTENTION...

-A bird in the sky does not sing because it wants to win a music competition.. It sings because it has discovered a freedom song inside its own heart.

(Debashis Chatterjee)

-We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone... Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.

(Orson Welles)

- When you find yourself stressed, ask yourself one question: Will this matter five years from now? 

If yes, then do something about the situation. If no, then let it go.

(Catherine Pulsifer)

-The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.

 (Maureen Dowd)

-I cannot give you the formula for success but I can give you the formula for failure, which is: try to please everybody.

(Herbert Bayard Swope)

- When you are walking on the right path, you get hints from above or somewhere. It is a mystery!

(PLS)

[picked from this page, Perfect Life spot]

FREE BIRD

If I leave here tomorrow 
Would you still remember me? 
For I must be travelling on, now, 
'Cause there's too many places I've got to see. 
But, if I stayed here with you, girl, 
Things just couldn't be the same. 
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now, 
And this bird you can not change. 
Lord knows, I can't change. 

Bye, bye, its been a sweet love. 
Though this feeling I can't change. 
But please don't take it badly, 
'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame. 
But, if I stayed here with you girl, 
Things just couldn't be the same. 
Cause I'm as free as a bird now, 
And this bird you'll never change. 
And this bird you can not change. 
Lord knows, I can't change. 
Lord help me, I can't change. 

DON'T QUIT

( came across this poem when chips were down. a gift from someone who has believed in it for ages. the person is a distant memory more or less, but the poem sticks on. author- i have no idea about. nor, apparently, does the web have a clue. hope you like it.. )

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

- Author unknown

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

I am disgusted, to the core. of all the articles, editorials, news reports and whatever else that i've been seeing all around. it seems people have suddenly woken up to the knowledge of upcoming Commonwealth Games. everyone suddenly seems to be of the opinion that we shouldn't be hosting the Games in the first place. what bull!

where were these intellectual geniuses when Delhi was putting in the bid ages ago? when we won the bid the impact of the expenditure on our 'poor developing economy', 'dwindeling resources', 'malnourished kids' was not the foremost thought on their minds! i can bet quite a few of them gave interviews, wrote articles and fought over tv space, gushing about what a proud moment it was for India.

the country won the bid quite a few years ago. but it's just now that they have woken up to the impact and the uselessness of it all. delhi has been in a pitiable state for the longest time now. every corner you go to, every street you drive through, some construction work is going on. roads are dug up, every second route diverted, trafffic in a chaos, metro schedules and functioning abysmal, pathetic powercuts, water shortage, what not. to top it, not only does our CM, lady dikshit turn down the offer of companies to lower the tariffs, the govt even levies additional taxes for the CWG. all these, no matter how painful and annoying, had been defended by most average delhiites for a long time. so much so, my cynicism was almost gone. but now, after years, seems most of the people in power or with the power are losing this optimism, doing their best to ensure that others follow suit.
'is it all worth the expenditure?', 'can we afford all this?', 'shouldn't the funds by delegated somewhere more useful instead?', 'people should boycott the Games if they know what's good for them' -some of the oft repeated sentiments these days. common people being tired of the difficulties they face, complaining about them is understandable. people worried about losing face due to the lax attitude of authorities, and moaning about the pathetic speed of work is justified. cursing in the crazy traffic jams and chaos is ok. taxpayers coming out in arms over misuse of their money is TOTALLY ok.
BUT... a former cabinet minister of the presently ruling government declaring publicly that he hopes the Games fail is NOT ok! people forgetting these Games all these years, overlooking the lax preparations, ignoring the blatant misuse and embezzlement of funds, staying quite all this while is loathesome. newspapers and TV channels doing exclusives on new stories everyday to further trash these Games at this last minute is downright careless and questionable. the governments (both central and state) forgetting about it all this while, uncontrolled epidemics, the doubts arising in the minds of the international community are abhorable!
as if the world doubting our ability to host CWG wasn't enough, now even we are looking down upon ourselves, booing what we've been working for all these years.

there was plenty of time to speak your mind. but none of you did. not till this minute. probably would not have made shrewd business sense, huh? but for once put your popcorn patriotism, your pseudo concerns for the damned non issues under scanner. if you can't be bothered to go buy a ticket, don't. just stop maligning the whole thing at this last hour over concerns which are general and in no way related merely to these games.

I am with the girls. He is with the guys. Both enjoying a drink. The setting is the occasional bonding session with the various Mathur generations gathered at one spot. He's with some of my cousins and cousins-in-law. Having an animated discussion on politics, sports, economy, markets, work, movies, books. I am with with my cousins and cousins-in-law too. Talking about our work, families, good natured gossip, joking about our mothers, trading old secrets, listening to their discussion on kids. I happen to glance his way, just as he looks towards me. We share a look...he lightheartedly rolls his eyes at my cousins. I give a mock frown. He winks, i smile. We look away. About 2 minutes later i feel a hand on my waiste.."Can i borrow her for a minute?" We decide to get away for a while. Walk around in the other direction, arms around each other.

Hmmmmmm...

A cosy scene indeed. Just gotta find the guy. Heh.

THE KEEPER OF NIGHT

I stare at the moon, awestruck, mesmerized.
So much it has witnessed through its life.
Centuries of lores, tales untold,
So many secrets under its fold.
The reasons for the slights, the causes to their pains,
A wish to foresee the future, how to make stupendous gains.
The trechery of a friend, The unfaithfulness of a lover.
Yet it shines every night, bright as ever.
A confidante to the lonely, a silent observer.
A keeper of secrets, the lone faithful preserver.
Never too judgemental, never too harsh.
Arms wide open to every traveler across the marsh.
So much to give, so less asked for in return.
Yet, the oft repeated query,
"why does the moon bear so many scars?"

AN ALMOST MADE UP POEM

I see you drinking at a fountain with tiny blue hands, no, your hands are not tiny they are small, and the fountain is in France where you wrote me that last letter and I answered and never heard from you again. you used to write insane poems about ANGELS AND GOD, all in upper case, and you knew famous artists and most of them were your lovers, and I wrote back, it’ all right, go ahead, enter their lives, I’ not jealous because we’ never met. we got close once in New Orleans, one half block, but never met, never touched. so you went with the famous and wrote about the famous, and, of course, what you found out is that the famous are worried about their fame –– not the beautiful young girl in bed with them, who gives them that, and then awakens in the morning to write upper case poems about ANGELS AND GOD. we know God is dead, they’ told us, but listening to you I wasn’ sure. maybe it was the upper case. you were one of the best female poets and I told the publishers, editors, “ her, print her, she’ mad but she’ magic. there’ no lie in her fire.” I loved you like a man loves a woman he never touches, only writes to, keeps little photographs of. I would have loved you more if I had sat in a small room rolling a cigarette and listened to you piss in the bathroom, but that didn’ happen. your letters got sadder. your lovers betrayed you. kid, I wrote back, all lovers betray. it didn’ help. you said you had a crying bench and it was by a bridge and the bridge was over a river and you sat on the crying bench every night and wept for the lovers who had hurt and forgotten you. I wrote back but never heard again. a friend wrote me of your suicide 3 or 4 months after it happened. if I had met you I would probably have been unfair to you or you to me. it was best like this. -Charles Bukowski

AS THE CHAPTER COMES TO AN END...

Ugh. Feels like there's a brick lying inside me...like there's something being suppressed, waiting to explode. It's pinching. I wanna crawl in that direction...simply put it all right. Assure and be assured. Be told that everything is ok. Nothing has changed, nor is it going to change. But i won't...simply because i know this cycle would go on. I would never be able to get out of it. And i want so much more than what is on offer. How can i put aside what i want and feel, and pretend to be satisfied with a fraction of it because only that is on offer? If i refuse even that, the pain my refusal causes takes everything away completely...

There's a sort of relief too...at finally putting all of it to an end. But this sinking feeling, this sense of loss just won't go. Why couldn't it all be simple to understand, easy to sort out? i wish i could be like those who can look at everything in a detached sort of way..no pain, no complications.

There's this crazy need, this impulse, this wish to be with someone...someone who would help put all this at rest.

Human emotions...and human love for everything complex. Or more like...human love for making everything complex. heh